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Thread: My girlfriend doesn't want to have sex anymore...

  1. #1
    jakjak1220
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    My girlfriend doesn't want to have sex anymore...

    Ok, this might be a long post but please bear with me because I REALLY need your help.

    I have been dating my current girlfriend for over two years. For the first year and and a half or so we would have sex nearly every day and things were great. We went through a rough patch where she felt that I was not meeting her needs emotionally and only wanted sex which we reconciled. For the fall semester of 2009, we were at different colleges but are now attending the same university. For the past 6 months or so, she has lost a large amount of her sex drive. It used to be that when I would come on to her, she would reciprocate, but now she usually does not want to have sex. She says she loves me more than ever but I cant help but feel that something is wrong. The only times that we have sex (once a week if I am lucky) is when she decides, basically. I know that both people should want to have sex when it happens, but I dont feel like it is fair. I have tried to just not come on to her for days on end, but nothing changes. She takes a lot of medication for ADD, depression, anxiety, and birth control, but nothing has changed in relation to her medication since we have been together.

    I am still deeply in love with her, and she says she is with me, but I need more sex. I need to be able to express my love for her in more than just conversation and spending time together. She acknowledges that her sex drive is lower and it really bothers her, but does not know what to do.

    I don't want this to ruin our relationship, and I feel like a jerk by getting so upset and frustrated about the lack of intimacy, but I need more. I am 20 and she is 19.

    SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!

  2. #2
    DN

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    I think you should tell her, without anger or being aggressive in any way, that her lack of interest is a problem that needs to be addressed and that she should be honest about the reason for it and that if she has a medical or psychological issue that needs addressing or the two of you need to see someone together then that should be done as soon as possible.

  3. #3
    jakjak1220
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    Unhappy

    Quote Originally Posted by DN [Register to see the link]
    I think you should tell her, without anger or being aggressive in any way, that her lack of interest is a problem that needs to be addressed and that she should be honest about the reason for it and that if she has a medical or psychological issue that needs addressing or the two of you need to see someone together then that should be done as soon as possible.
    I have talked to her about it, a few times as a matter of fact. She just says that it will get better, but it sucks for me.

  4. #4
    DN

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    Well, since it isn't better then tell her that something needs to be done along the lines I suggessted.

  5. #5
    Ivory_Tower

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    I'm willing to be that she senses you aren't fully committed to her and she doesn't want to "put out" anymore.

    Just a guess.

  6. #6
    Day_Walker
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    If you are at the end of your rope then you have the choice of remaining in a relationship where you only get sex once a week or you move on. You're 20 years old, you may get called a name or two but if the sex has already been cut off then something is really wrong and you should leave.

  7. #7
    Cognitive_Canine
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    Quote Originally Posted by jakjak1220 [Register to see the link]
    I have talked to her about it, a few times as a matter of fact. She just says that it will get better, but it sucks for me.
    That's not talking. That;'s you raising a discussion and her dismissing it.


    "It will get better"

    "Well, yes, how will it get better?"

    "It just will"

    "But what are you actually doing to make it better? What do you need me to do to make it better. It hasn't gotten better and you've been telling me it'll get better for quite a while"

    Do not settle for her "It will get better". She needs to change birth controls, talk to her doctors about her meds and side effects, and make a plan. And she needs to include you to what exactly that plan is.

  8. #8
    mandyc
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    Maybe it is stress too. I know that when I'm in school my drive seems to be lower. I also seem to be lazy about it, like I won't want to do it at first but if he keeps going and keeps trying to turn me on then I will get into the mood and be ready.

    Woman sometimes require more "work" to get turned on. So give her sensual massages, kiss her neck and ears, help her to get into the mood instead of just grabbing at her. Have you tried being romantic, like lighting candles and such? It could be a lack of intimacy she is feeling.

  9. #9
    jakjak1220
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    These are a lot of great responses, thanks a lot everybody. I'll try talking to her again. I have tried to be romantic, thats teh kinda guy I am. I dont like to just get in and out so to speak. I enjoy being romantic and sensual just as much as the sex itself. I just want things to be back they way they are and I THINK she does too.

  10. #10
    catwalk
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    Exclamation

    Quote Originally Posted by jakjak1220 [Register to see the link]
    She takes a lot of medication for ADD, depression, anxiety, and birth control, but nothing has changed in relation to her medication since we have been together.
    I'm sorry but until you factor out medical reasons for sure, you shouldn't be trying to fix her if she's not broken!

    Hormonal birth control is a funny thing..... you never know how your body is going to react to it (usually badly but women just deal with the side effects). Libido loss is VERY common, and can happen any time. Also AD's usually come with sexual side effects as well.

    My guess? When you were first together she fought against what all the chemicals were telling her to do (not want/have sex), but after two years she's given in and is doing what her brain says is what she wants.

    She will need to talk to a doctor and explain that her sex drive loss is now negatively impacting her relationship and she wants to do something to improve this problem. She will need to be adamant and pushy, as doctors usually don't really care if a woman has sex problems (men can just take a pill!).

    You will need to have patience and decide if you can stay with her if she can't change. And 'talking to her' won't do anything if she can't help how she's feeling and doesn't feel like there's anything wrong.

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