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Thread: Dating 7 years and still not married...

  1. #1
    Nic15
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    Dating 7 years and still not married...

    Okay, so my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 7 years and I am going crazy trying to understand why he hasn't asked me to marry him yet. We are both 24 years old and have been living together for a little over a year. I am worried that I am going to pressure him into marrying me because I nag him all the time, but it is so hard not too. He is really my soul-mate and I am really excited to get married and have a family with him....I LITERALLY can't wait!!!! He says he wants to and is going to marry me, but I dont understand why he doesn't just ask me then.

    He tells me is is gonna ask me soon, but then never does (he has been saying it for at least 2 years). His older brother just recently got engaged in October to his gf of three years, which has made this whole situation even more difficult. He had mentioned to me that he was going to ask me last summer and was kicking himself in the ass because now his brother was getting engaged. I asked him "why didnt you?" All he could say was "I dont know." Then, he said he was gonna wait to ask me to marry him until after their wedding. I was upset because I dont see why we need to wait for that. I have been waiting years for him to be ready for marriage and now that he is ready, I still have to wait?????

    Whatever happened to asking someone to marrying you when you realize they are the one???

    We have talked about this many times and now he says he is going to ask me this summer instead and not wait until their wedding, but why tell me that? Why not ask me now if you know you want to marry me? Why wait? Better yet, why would you want to wait to ask if you know its something we both want????

    I dont know what to do or what to say to him. I dont want to pressure him into asking me and I am afraid that is what I am doing. I just dont get why he is waiting and what exactly he is waiting for. I just cant seem to stop thinking about this whole thing, especially when his brother's fiancé wont shut up about her wedding planning. Her whole wedding was planned in 2 months!!!

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  2. #2
    sherryberrypie
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    I know exactly how you feel! We're going on four years and have been talking about marriage since the very beginning. I'm sick of talking about it and hearing about how it will happen when we're done school, when we have more money, etc... My boyfriend just wants to do things right, and he feels that we can't do it right when we're just finishing up with school, have student loan debt, etc... but it's still frustrating to me, especially when he talks about how much he wants to get married too. I wish so much that men still asked women to marry them when they know they want it, not just when all conditions are "right". It's taking the magic away out of starting a life together, especially if you've been living together for a long time already.

    The only advice I can give you is to be patient with him, but talk to him and explain that you don't feel secure when year after year he says he will, and then nothing happens. Ask why exactly he has set this timeline for himself when you've already been together for several years.

  3. #3
    erase this face
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    Have you discussed with him your reasons for wanting to get married? Does he even want to get married, or do you think his 'planned' proposals are due to your influence? Is he looking forward to it at all? Has he expounded upon his reasons for wanting to?

  4. #4
    FathomFear
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    24 is still quite young and I wouldn't blame anyone for wanting to wait. You also haven't lived together for that long either.

    I would focus less on the act of marriage and more on his feelings in regards to whether he's ready. He says he's ready but obviously isn't. Perhaps he doesn't feel comfortable revealing the reasons why he's not ready.

  5. #5
    annie24
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    welcome to enotalone

    He tells me is is gonna ask me soon, but then never does
    from what you describe, it sounds like he is going to, but you need to stop pestering him. What would you rather have? him come home and throw a ring at you like "here's your damned ring!" (A former poster on eNotalone actually said that happened to her after nagging her 'commitment phobic' boyfriend to marry her). Or, he might plan some really romantic way to propose as a total surprise. A woman I know woke up one morning and her boyfriend planned a surprise romantic trip to Rome, asked her boss for time off, etc.... and he proposed by the Trevi fountain! if that's not romantic, I don't know what is!

    I think you should set some internal deadline for yourself. I don't know - like maybe 1 year from now, or when you are 26, or whatever feels right. Don't tell him your deadline. Just stop asking, stop nagging, stop pressuring. Just be nice and pleasant. If he doesn't propose by then, then you can have a conversation with him saying that you love him, but are worried that the relationship doesn't seem to be progressing to marriage, and marriage is something you want, but if he doesn't, then it's best to break up.

    Even though you've been together for 7 years, I've noticed that many men don't like to get married in their early or mid-20s and would rather wait a bit longer. If you were 37, dating your bf for 7 years, i would be a lot more worried. If he says he will soon, I would back off and let him plan his surprise. Let's face it - women run the show when it comes to the wedding, and the proposal is the only time when the man gets to do the planning.

    good luck!!

  6. #6
    _Asti_
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    He has reasons why he hasn't done it.

    I battled this with my relationship for a bit.
    Together 6 years, and his only real reason he could give was needing the money for the ring..but all the while was spending money on his hobbies [cars and motorcycles...]

    I knew there was a deeper issue, and it came through. And we worked through each issue.
    And you know what? He's been saving for a ring. The money is there, now its just a matter of the right moment. It's in his hands, and I trust that yes he does want to marry me, and its a good feeling when he's the one who's ready to do it. On his own. He feels ready to move onto the next step. And thats what you need to wait for.

    There's a reason why your guy hasn't done it yet. It may just be flat out not ready, even though yes this is something he wants to do..something is stopping him from doing so. Only he can really solve this problem.

    It is a hard thing, especially when they talk about it, they tell you they want to do it, but don't.

    There isn't much you can do, but accept the fact that he truly isn't ready. There is certainly a bigger issue here..he seems to just be giving you lines to buy time.

    Keep in mind that yes, you have been together for 7 years..but also realize that for some guys, getitng married at 24 can be a scary thing. My guy is almost 29,..and is finally comfortable 100% with marriage and moving onto that next step.

  7. #7
    FathomFear
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    Quote Originally Posted by sherryberrypie [Register to see the link]
    I wish so much that men still asked women to marry them when they know they want it, not just when all conditions are "right". It's taking the magic away out of starting a life together, especially if you've been living together for a long time already.
    Or perhaps one of the reasons that divorce rates are sky high is becausepeople don't wait for the right conditions?

    Also, I just have to say that if marriage is particularly important for someone then I don't think it's a good idea to indefinitely wait around for the other person to ask. In this situation I would shirk tradition and just propose, regardless of your gender.

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    _Asti_
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    Quote Originally Posted by FathomFear [Register to see the link]
    Or perhaps one of the reasons that divorce rates are sky high is becausepeople don't wait for the right conditions?

    Also, I just have to say that if marriage is particularly important for someone then I don't think it's a good idea to indefinitely wait around for the other person to ask. In this situation I would shirk tradition and just propose, regardless of your gender.
    My guy had brought this up, and said he was suprised that I hadn't proposed to him yet.
    But my conclusion? He knows I am ready. I knew he wasn't because he hadn't done it. What does the girl proposing solve? The guy still isn't ready. He accepts the proposal, gets married out of obligation? Have some resentment there. Or he turns her down.

  9. #9
    annie24
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    PS - The book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray has a really good "script" for the woman who is ready to get married and the man is dragging his heels. I would get the book and read that chapter.

  10. #10
    JusticeLaw9
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    If you two have been together for seven years and of those seven years living together for one year, then I believe you have every right to wonder. The variable is the fact that you two are living together already, so what is this hold up if you've already been doing the grown up thing for a year? What's the wait? Maybe you should set a time table and if things don't happen by then, make a decision and up to pulling the plug if need be.

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