greywolf Posted January 17, 2010 Share Posted January 17, 2010 People say that to me a lot. It hurts a little bit. Why couldn't they be happy for me when I was with a girl? =/ Link to comment
BenDZ Posted January 17, 2010 Share Posted January 17, 2010 if "they" means your friends, maybe "they" shouldnt be your friends if they cant be happy for you. i guess they just want to see the "normal" b/g relationship Link to comment
greywolf Posted January 17, 2010 Author Share Posted January 17, 2010 God it's like I could be a total jerk and they wouldn't even care cuz he's a guy. It's ridiculous. I have had to stop talking to some friends because of this. I just posted this because it happened again right now. I replied to my friend, "You couldn't be happy for me if it was a girl?" And he said, "That's not what I meant. I would be happy for your happiness in that case, but not agree with the circumstance. That said, I wouldn't be a jerk about it because it's your decision and life to live. That's why all I could say before was that I'd rather see you with a guy. I care T, I really do. Sometimes though I won't agree with some decisions, but it will never mean that I think any less of you." This isn't that bad. I've had worse, but it is still some form of non-acceptance of who I am. Who I date is my decision, but it's not exactly my decision that I'm attracted to women too. Link to comment
BenDZ Posted January 17, 2010 Share Posted January 17, 2010 you have to make YOU happy. if youre happy with whomever youre with, then AWESOME!! your friends need to be happy that you're happy. Link to comment
civilservant Posted January 17, 2010 Share Posted January 17, 2010 Grey, I think your friend gave you a very resonable and balanced answer there. If you expect him to respect your choices, then you must also respect the fact that he dosent 'like' homosexual relationships, and that he's entitled to that opinion. It'd be exacly the same if you supported different political parties. Ultimatly you have to decide if his opinion (which he said, wouldn't interfere with your friendship) is such that you can't be friends with him. Link to comment
greywolf Posted January 17, 2010 Author Share Posted January 17, 2010 Grey, I think your friend gave you a very resonable and balanced answer there. If you expect him to respect your choices, then you must also respect the fact that he dosent 'like' homosexual relationships, and that he's entitled to that opinion. It'd be exacly the same if you supported different political parties. Ultimatly you have to decide if his opinion (which he said, wouldn't interfere with your friendship) is such that you can't be friends with him. I do agree with you. Of all the people that had a problem with it, he gave me the best answer. It's easier for me to be friends with him now, since I'm no longer with a girl. But when I was, it was hard. Relationships are hard enough without having to feel like half of your friends would be happy if the relationship ended. I do respect that he doesn't like homosexual relationships, but it just annoys me when people tell me that they wish I would be with a guy because they care about me. It has nothing to do with them caring about me, and everything to do with how I've done something that is out of their comfort level. Link to comment
In the Dark Posted January 17, 2010 Share Posted January 17, 2010 Ohhh people will have a problem with same sex relationships and you know that. It's just not normal still. It's just like men who like to wear pink. They are out there but it's just not the done thing..... Once society gets over their narrow mindedness same sex relationships will be accepted. If you look back a decade you will notice even swearing on TV was a no no. So we are getting there....it's just going to take time. Link to comment
denise_14 Posted January 17, 2010 Share Posted January 17, 2010 I think its just a matter of opinion. It does not mean that if he doesn't agree with your relationships 100%, it follows that he cannot be relied on to re other matters of your life. It just so happened that it's a sensitive issue because it's a matter of the heart. "I'm glad you're wearing pink, not yellow"... Now this won't be much of a big deal right? I suggest just think of it that way. Maybe you can just forget about your discussion with him and keep your cool. You know you're a wonderful person. ^_^ Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 17, 2010 Share Posted January 17, 2010 This isn't that bad. I've had worse, but it is still some form of non-acceptance of who I am. Who I date is my decision, but it's not exactly my decision that I'm attracted to women too. It's true. Some people won't be ready or able to accept a part of you. Some people still don't accept that it's not a choice! But if you think about it Grey, whether you were totally straight or not, you'd encounter people like this - to do with who you are dating, or your choices in life in varying degrees. Unconditional and full acceptance is a precious thing, and pretty hard to come by. Sorry you are feeling badly. I hope the good outweighs the bad in terms of your friends, family and their acceptance and love...the older I get, the more I tend to value when people try out of caring even if they can't or aren't ready to accept it all the way, you got to or else it's too easy to focus on the bad, but yeah, it still does hurt to feel lack of acceptance for anyone. tc. Link to comment
Unknown1607307972 Posted January 17, 2010 Share Posted January 17, 2010 People say that to me a lot. It hurts a little bit. Why couldn't they be happy for me when I was with a girl? =/ I agree. A good friend would be just as happy for you no matter what. If a female friend of mine started dating a girl then I'd treat it just the same as if they were dating a guy. Link to comment
DN Posted January 17, 2010 Share Posted January 17, 2010 You could tell them that your boyfriend is like Eddie Izzard - he's a lesbian trapped in a man's body!! - that'll really mess with their heads. But perhaps you can find it within you to forgive them, especially the friend you posted about, because of their ignorance about homosexuality. I don't mean ignorant in a bad way but in a neutral way as in - they just don't understand it on an emotional and sexual level. They cannot share those feelings and so it becomes difficult for them to accept that homosexuals feel the same emotions, have the same sexual desires as heterosexuals and act and react in the same way - except for members of the same sex instead of the opposite sex. So, despite not being overtly prejudiced and often being quite tolerant in many ways they still feel uncomfortable and that somehow there must be something wrong. So when a family member of friend comes out they are concerned for that person - they just don't 'get' it. Now you are bi-sexual and even some homosexuals don't 'get' that. So any friends and family who see you are now with a boy think that all is well with your world now - and that you will now be happy because you are 'normal'. So perhaps you can forgive them because they just don't know better. Link to comment
greywolf Posted January 17, 2010 Author Share Posted January 17, 2010 You could tell them that your boyfriend is like Eddie Izzard - he's a lesbian trapped in a man's body!! - that'll really mess with their heads. There would actually be a little bit of truth to that lol. But perhaps you can find it within you to forgive them, especially the friend you posted about, because of their ignorance about homosexuality. I don't mean ignorant in a bad way but in a neutral way as in - they just don't understand it on an emotional and sexual level. They cannot share those feelings and so it becomes difficult for them to accept that homosexuals feel the same emotions, have the same sexual desires as heterosexuals and act and react in the same way - except for members of the same sex instead of the opposite sex. So, despite not being overtly prejudiced and often being quite tolerant in many ways they still feel uncomfortable and that somehow there must be something wrong. So when a family member of friend comes out they are concerned for that person - they just don't 'get' it. Now you are bi-sexual and even some homosexuals don't 'get' that. So any friends and family who see you are now with a boy think that all is well with your world now - and that you will now be happy because you are 'normal'. So perhaps you can forgive them because they just don't know better. Thank you, DN. This makes a lot of sense. Link to comment
FathomFear Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Ultimatly you have to decide if his opinion (which he said, wouldn't interfere with your friendship) is such that you can't be friends with him. I think this is what it comes down to. There are many people out there in the world. Some of them believe very stupid things, and it's within their right to do that. IMO, if it causes you any level of distress I would be tempted to surround yourself with like-minded people. Again, there are many people out there in the world, which means that with some effort you could likely find yourself a group of friends who completely accept you for who you are. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 I guess I see more of a problem with the question than with the answer. If YOU are happy with a guy instead of a girl, then why would anyone's agreement with your choice cause you upset? If you don't have clarity, how can you expect others to adopt it for you? If you DO have clarity, then what, exactly, is the problem with anyone else's lack of endorsement of a choice you voluntarily left behind? If your friends were all with women and voted happily for your choice of a woman over a man, would that be equally as sad? Link to comment
jengh Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Sigh, this makes me sad. I don't really have anything else to contribute that hasn't already been said, but people's closemindedness/narrowmindednes/whatever you want to call it bugs me. Link to comment
FathomFear Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 I guess I see more of a problem with the question than with the answer. If YOU are happy with a guy instead of a girl, then why would anyone's agreement with your choice cause you upset? I think it's because people generally want to feel that their friends and family support them. You don't want to feel that they are holding back or quietly disapproving of an important part of your life. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 I think it's because people generally want to feel that their friends and family support them. You don't want to feel that they are holding back or quietly disapproving of an important part of your life. I can understand that, but they aren't expressing disapproval, they're expressing approval. Actually, I guess you're right--if I introduced a new lover and people said, "Thank ghaaad, this one is single..." after I'd suffered my share of torture from messing with married people in the past, I probably wouldn't appreciate anyone pointing that out. SOLD on the rudeness of the comment. Link to comment
FathomFear Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 SOLD on the rudeness of the comment. It's hard to put into words in many ways. For example, I know people in my personal life who "quietly disapprove" of my homosexuality. They are mostly friendly, articulate, etc, and don't go out of their way to make their feelings known to me. Sort of like the situation the OP described. However, I've got to say that just knowing that these people don't approve of a relationship (or even your existence?) is kind of frustrating. And when given the choice I much rather surround myself with people who accept me. Psychologically it's easier to deal with. It's not sitting in the back of my mind, knowing that these people are likely holding back and not revealing what they really think about me. Link to comment
greywolf Posted January 18, 2010 Author Share Posted January 18, 2010 I guess I see more of a problem with the question than with the answer. If YOU are happy with a guy instead of a girl, then why would anyone's agreement with your choice cause you upset? If you don't have clarity, how can you expect others to adopt it for you? If you DO have clarity, then what, exactly, is the problem with anyone else's lack of endorsement of a choice you voluntarily left behind? If your friends were all with women and voted happily for your choice of a woman over a man, would that be equally as sad? Because it's more than just disapproval of my relationship, it's part of who I am. Just because I'm with a guy now doesn't mean I'm a different person. I'm still the same person that I was when I was with a girl. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 [...] Just because I'm with a guy now doesn't mean I'm a different person. I'm still the same person that I was when I was with a girl. That's pretty stable; I'm not even the same person I was yesterday... Link to comment
chiefoptimizer Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 Would it be ok if I said "Oh, I'm glad he's white." or "Oh, I'm glad he's christian." or "Oh, I'm glad he's muslim.", or "Oh, I'm glad he's black." or "Oh I'm glad he's chinese."? If not, then how come it's ok to say "Oh, I'm glad it's with a man."? Link to comment
DN Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I didn't say it was OK - merely tried to explain why it is people might say that, Link to comment
chiefoptimizer Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I didn't say it was OK - merely tried to explain why it is people might say that, Sorry DN, I didn't actually mean to single you out, now I realise I did, sorry! I'm more revolted by the general idea, which many others here have expressed. Link to comment
lukeb Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 You don't have any control over other people's opinions and beliefs, but you do have control over how you let it affect you. Link to comment
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