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help getting a depressed ex back... advice please?


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It's long I know, I tried to keep it as short as possible... but here's the story...

 

So, we broke up a month ago from today. It was random and I didn't see it coming at all. We went on a week's break then when we got back together he told me "I need a longer break, but more as a breakup." I knew he was going through so much and didn't want to make things harder for him so I accepted it and asked if we had a future together, and he kept saying "I want to say yes, but idk right now." I got some answers for the breakup that night, but most of them felt like excuses... my family, something that happened in July. He told me he wasn't breaking up with me because he didn't love me, or because I've changed, he just needed time to sort things out. I even got him to say at the end of the night that we weren't over... He said we’d stay exclusive (not see other people, kiss, etc. for a couple months, but if we don’t get back together by then it was up in the air) and he said that he still sleeps with my teddy… All info he told me, I didn’t ask for.

 

Now when he said he needed time, he really does. He's only 21 and has no direction is his life. His parents are divorced and his mother can't see past her own problems to help him. (He's not going to school next semester because his mom hurt her knee really badly and she's too stubborn to get it fix.. so he has to take care of the house) There's been times were he's paid the mortgage on the house for her and he barely had money for school to begin with. He's a full time EMT so he can have health insurance because guess what wonderful news he found out this summer, he has TWO herniated discs in his back. Since I'd say June, he's been in constant pain and it's only getting worse. I've seen him literally FALL to the ground because his back was in so much pain. Because of this he has no idea what he wants to do with his future, because he figured he'd be an EMT or do something what would involve working with his hands... Also, his friends aren't there for him at all... All they want to do is "party."

 

So I decided the best thing to do was giving him his space... I did no contact for the whole month... He could text me about once a week with something silly like "oh the numa numa guy was on NCIS" or "Mr. Shu from glee's on a show I'm watching." I would always respond, but never try to push the conversation.

Then Thursday I get a text from him asking if we can get together soon and talk. We planned a day and i thought that would be the end of the convo. An hour later he sends me a text that says "I know this doesn't mean much but I've missed you, I've missed us. I kno it hasnt show and im sry we havent really talked since." I got super excited and thought it meant he wanted to come back.

 

So yesterday we met up at a diner by our campus, we talked for about 2 hours and had a great time... His eyes looked so tired and sad and when I would ask about him he would kind of brush off the answers, but he was constantly asking about me and how I was doing and kept saying "as long as you’re okay." He told me he basically has been working, playing video games, and working on his house for the past couple weeks. He barely spends time at the Squad, (that was his baby, his life), and really only sees one group of his friends, but they’ve only hung out a handful of times. He said he’d gotten a lot of stress out of his life, but it seems like he’s taken the good stress out (responsibilities) and has held on to the extra stress (everything he’s been dealing with.).

 

So we head outside and he walks me to my car and we had our third embrace/hug of the day and when I let go he took my hands in his... after a minute I took them away and asked if I could ask him about his text message... He said what about it? I asked what it meant... He said it was because he missed me, we sent 2 years together, he couldn't just forget me...

 

Then I told him I couldn't be friends with him, that if he didn't want to come back I needed to move on with my life... He got very emotional but said if that's what I need to do then do it...

 

I then told him I had other expectations for today because I still had hope for us, then he said he still has hope for us too.. Then I got extremely confused because I couldn't understand how he could have hope for us, but couldn't be with me...

 

So I asked him why he left and why he couldn't come back. He told me that he was so afraid of hurting me... That he felt different and has for a couple months now... he feels bitter, unmotivated, and not worthwhile. Also that he didn't want to get me caught up between him and his "demons."

I asked him if he thought he was turning into that bitter person. And he answered saying “I hope not…” I told him that he's not that bitter person he's afraid he's becoming and that's just his lower mind trying to bring him down… Also that I wouldn't become in-between him and his demons and that I just wanted to be his cheerleader on the sidelines...

 

I told him I just want to be there to help him through this and asked if he had anyone helping him through this. He looked like he was about to cry and shook his head no. He said one of the reasons why he texted me the other night was because he was in so much pain because of his back and he knew I had always been there when he needed someone to talk to and he missed me.

 

He also said he was scared that the stress from our relationship if it came back would make him worse, and I looked at him and said “no, that relationship’s dead.” I think I kind of took him aback, because I think he was expecting me to be the mess I was when we broke up begging for him to come back, but I did a lot of soul searching over this month and found a strength inside of me I did not know I had. This whole conversation I kept a straight face and didn’t cry, of course I showed compassion in my eyes, but I wanted him to see I was strong enough for both of us. Anyway, I told him that if we were to try again, it would be with a clean slate, the past was the past, I’m not the same person I was a month ago, I’m a stronger improved version of myself.

 

I told him I still cared about him, but I couldn’t continue like this… I cared about him so much, but I can’t wait around anymore… Then he started to tear a little. I told him that even though I can’t be his friend right now that I would always be here for him if he needed me and that I was always a phone call away. I also told him that when he gets through this and wanted to come back, that I can’t promise I’ll be there, but don’t let that stops him. He hugged me and got really upset and said all choked up “if you have to move on, then do it…” He actually had to wipe a tear away and he never cries in public places. I realized how much that was hurting him so I said I told him it’s not like it’s going to happen overnight and that it’ll take me a while to get over him.

 

He told me if he figures things out, hopefully sooner than later, he’d give me a call. I told him to call me regardless if it’s sooner or later because it might not be too late. We left with a bitter sweet hug and him telling me to go live my life… I could see how upset this all made him… I drove away and he stayed in the parking lot. I kept looking to see if he pulled out of the parking lot, but I never saw his car. I felt really bad and wanted to make sure he was okay so I sent him a text and it said, “I hope you can sort through all this and find the happiness you deserve. We are intrepid, we carry on.” Three hours later he sent me a response saying “me too.” Realizing I said “hope” I sent him another text “I lied.. I just don’t hope, I know you can get through this. You’re a trooper, just don’t give up.”

 

My heart and my head keep telling me he’ll be back, but now I just have to find a balance of letting him know I’m still here and not being held back. I think I’m going to just send him little things over the next couple weeks… Funny videos, something on TV that I thought he’d like, then in 2 or 3 weeks open up the friendship again, because he really needs someone right now and I’m truly scared for him. I think it scares me more than the face that I could lose him.

 

All of our mutual friends are convinced that once he gets through this we’ll have a future together; the main problem is how long is it going to take him to recover? And is he going to lose himself due to crippling back pain. When we met up yesterday the man I fell in love with was still there, but he was sad and scared… I know he can come back, and I really feel he needs my help in doing so. He’s admitted he needs me and he’s just scared to bring me down…

 

I’m so torn because NC would be a perfect solution if he wasn’t dealing with depression, plus we’ve already been in NC for almost a month. I think he needs to know that I’m not giving up on him, which he probably expects because he feels like nothing, but I don’t want to drive him away. All the sites I read about depression it says it’s important that the person knows your still there and you still love them, even if they’re pushing you away, because this is when they need it the most. If you could have seen the sadness in his eyes, and how he was shaking when he held me, it was the most heartbreaking experience of his life. I just wish I could help him get over this so he won’t be in pain anymore and he can be happy and not feel the need to push the things he cares about the most away…

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WOW

 

this is almost the exact same thing I'm going through, I've been doing NC. She texts me and has been asking if I'm ok I haven't responded this is going on five days now. I don't want to just be friends with her because I know that i will get hurt. She said she didn't want me to be friends with her in the hopes of a recon. However I also know that she is depressed and that I shouldn't leave her when she needs someone the most. She told me the same things that she just needs sometime to get things together in her life. That she feels numb inside and didn't have any emotions for anything.

 

I feel that he may become dependent on you as an emotional crutch, he may begin to like someone else because its easy and they can stay distant from them and still be emotionally close to you. Its easy for a person who is depressed to find solace with someone that they don't have to connect with, someone that doesn't remind them of much, someone that they don't have to invest in. And you will be left holding the bag, at least that's what I'm afraid may happen if I try to stay friends with them. Or you may break through for many, many different reasons.

 

If you decide to be friends be ready to be completely and utterly broken, be ready to have your world shattered. If you can accept that, then limited contact and no contact and then friendship is the only way I would go, of course like I said it could shatter you.

 

If you care about the person so much then you should be willing to go to hell and back, you should be willing to look past your happiness in the hopes of something better tomorrow. There is some truth to the saying that love is friendship set on fire.

 

You need to figure out if you would do that.

 

that's my two cents anyway

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It completely sucks =/

I just know that I don't want him to think I'm giving up on him because that would be one of the worst things right now. I think LC might work but right now I'm not sure.

 

I didn't know he was this bad until I saw him Tuesday and, wow, like I said it was scary.

 

As much as I would love to be his friend, I don't know if i can... I really do want to be though, because I know it's what he needs right now, but I need to work on myself first.

 

I think it's good that he's already starting to miss me and want to see me, so maybe now that he know's I can't just wait around it'll help him try to overcome this.

 

I'm sorry about you and your ex and I really hope things work out for both of us. I don't want to cut him out, but I can't hold on so tight...

 

Maybe just random emails about things that I think he might like might help.. You know like silly Cat Youtube videos.

 

I doubt he'd find someone else right now. He's told me the last thing he needs right now is another relationship, plus he promised me that there wont be any other girls in the picture, at least not in the first couple months.

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There is a divide between your relationship and any others he may have, with you he has an emotional support system that he can depend on. With another he can be carefree and just enjoy the now. I feel like my Ex will do that, but thats me and it may not be your situation.

 

I think the right thing to do is stick it out and be there for him, be friends with him.

 

We dont have friends in common and any avice gleaned from any of my friends comes from what I have told them. so thats pretty useless.

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  • 2 years later...

Hi,

 

Thanks so much for sharing this story. My 27 yo depressed bf of 5 years broke up with me in a similar fashion. We got engaged a couple of months after we started doing long-distance (the LD was only supposed to be for only 7 months), then, just a few months later, he wants nothing to do with me. It's been utterly devastating.

 

We've been doing NC for a couple of months now (I've reached out a few times, only to get rejected), but now he's back in the same town as me and wants to get his stuff out of my apartment. I'm nervous about seeing him again. I've been casually seeing somebody else (I know my ex hasn't been seeing anyone), and it's just not the same. My ex is the only one I think about, but him constantly rejecting me and being moody/non-communicative is eating away at me. He is not the person I once knew.

 

I know that this thread is from 2010, but does anyone know how this turned out? Did the OP and her ex get back together? I'd be curious to find out, as I'm not really sure how to act when I see him again (I want to get back together with my ex, but with his depression, I don't know if that's a good idea or not). Thanks!

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I have been experiencing the same thing. My boyfriend of seven months just recently left me about two or three weeks ago, because he's unhappy with himself.

 

We too have had a similar amount of short-contact incidents. He would randomly text or email me to create small talk about things he knew I could relate to. I have just now invoked NC, and it's been a week. I haven't heard hide nor hair of him and feel the same, where I'd like to believe that I'll have a future with him, but have found balance in keeping myself busy and working.

 

Some of his friends had contacted me asking about the break up, and told me that the way he was acting is bizarre and unlike him. This worries me, not because he's being distant, but because of the depression he's going through. I'd told him even superman needs a hero sometimes, and he said maybe he should start asking for help. He's had a very not-so-fun past, and a semi-difficult life, I let him know I'd be here for him no matter what though.

 

Now, here I am enlisting for the Air Force. Mainly because I've decided this is probably a lost cause, and even though I do not wish to give up on him, I feel it best to let things go the course they're meant to, whatever they are. In the midst of all of this, I've found God again, and have begun to pray often. For him. For his family. For his friends. For his happiness.

 

It's a very very hard situation to go through, and I've no clue how to handle it. All I've been doing is trying to keep my chin up.

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  • 4 years later...

I see this is an old post, so who knows if those people are even on here anymore.

 

If you feel you can be there for your ex and are not still hurting over the break up, then I personally don't see a problem with being there for them. If you are still hurting over it, then I'd say you gotta back off for your own good. You come first.

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  • 2 years later...

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