Why Doesn't My Husband Show Affection Anymore?

I have been married to my husband for 6 years and with him for 10. When we first met, we were inseparable. We were happy emotionally and physically. We made love every day at least once. After about 2 years, we started having a few arguments. We were living apart and at the time I thought it was the distance that was putting a strain on our relationship. After we got married, we moved to CA bc he got a job out there. I was unemployed and looking for work. We started fight more frequently. I thought it was because I was unhappy with my employment situation and because I was lonely while he was at work and because he was unhappy at work. He said it would be different once I started law school. It was because we hardly saw each other. Having sex became really stressful. I was becoming increasingly depressed and losing my sex drive. Sex became unenjoyable because I was so stressed about it being uninterested and it made him stressed and feel bad because he didn't make me happy. I was then diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovaries) which explained my low libido. I started taking medication for it and my symptoms improved somewhat. My libido went back to normal but we still have intimacy issues.

We now have sex once a month, if I initiate. I put on weight over the years, about 20 lbs after the first year apart, another 10 the next year, and so on until I reached my current weight 185 lbs, 5'6", size 14 with most of my weight on my chest and stomach. I have asked my husband why he isn't interested in making love with me that often and he said it was because he wasn't attracted to me as much anymore because of my weight and because of how I made him feel when I didn't enjoy sex with him earlier in our marriage. We are at the point where we fight all the time, usually about how I feel bad about the way he reacts to me. He doesn't ever seem to be excited about spending time with me-he acts like it is a chore for him even though he says he wants to be with me. He doesn't make time for me. He doesn't show me affection except to kiss me goodbye in the morning and goodnight before we go to bed. I know he loves me and cares for me. But I feel like he loves me the way you love a non-wife family member.

I've wondered if he is having an affair or if he is gay but I don't think he is. He doesn't seem to be interested in sex at all, he doesn't watch porn and I doubt he masturbates. I think he is just really depressed and I think it is because he is unhappy with me. I know I am emotional and hypersensitive and maybe he just can't handle me anymore. But I can't handle his emotional neglect anymore either. He doesn't seem interested in my life. He wants me to lose weight (as do I) but doesn't offer any help or support even though I have asked him to and told him I need his help, at least to get me started. He doesn't give me support in other ways either-for example, I graduated from lawschool last year and graduation was on a Friday. He forgot and didn't bother to inquire when graduation was until I made a big deal about it. He never once told me that he was proud of me or even congratulations. He didn't give me a card, or flowers, or even plan to take me out to dinner. He didn't do anything. It was just an ordinary day to him. I know this makes me sound high maintenance but I only say this because he used to do nice things like get me cards, flowers, and/or take me out places.

Because I have felt so lonely for so long, because he is so withdrawn from me, because I get no support or affection from him, and because he doesn't seem to make an effort to work with me to fix the problem, I feel like the right thing to do is to end the marriage and give us both a chance at happiness with other people. That is why I have left and am living with a friend for about a month and a half. I am studying for an exam and can't be around him because we fight too often. So I told him I need to leave because I need to study and because I need time away from him. I wrote him a letter explaining everything I felt, which he already knows because I have told him many many times before. The problem is that I want to be with him. I miss him but when I am with him all we do is fight and we are both unhappy. I want things to work out between us but I am afraid that we just don't belong with each other and it will never work out.

I am interested in hearing other people's perspective on our situation (particularly men)-is it really the weight and bad sexual experiences that is breaking up our marriage? Will separating for a short amount of time hurt the marriage even more? Any men out there been in this situation on my husband's side? Is it unfair for me to ask for more affection and support?

Maybe the reality is that you two just don't belong together. Based on your post, it seems like the two of you are just night and day. But that's not me encouraging you to stick a fork in things. Have you tried therapy at all; maybe a 3rd party can intercept and help you two get things back on track, could be worth a shot. You posted about a lot of the negatives, is there anything good that he does? If so, are those things strong enough to support your marriage? There are a lot of unanswered questions that perhaps therapy can resolve. But as I read on I saw that you got out and it looks like that probably was the better thing to do right now. If you haven't already considered divorce, I would try to see if things are salvageable and see where you can go from there.

yeah probably all the weight u put on , and bad sexual experiences....sounds shallow but men are visual

How did he respond to the letter you wrote him? If he was indifferent then I'd say that you are probably not going to be able to fix this. If he was really upset that you left for that long, you may have more hope.

Remember, you can't fix it alone - he has to WANT to be there to work on things with you.

Congrats on graduating law school by the way - that's a huge accomplishment!

I have a question. Did you work at all through law school or was your husband supporting the both of you this whole time?

I have a question. Did you work at all through law school or was your husband supporting the both of you this whole time?

Sex is almost never the problem, but a symptom of something deeper. You guys need to talk and explore whether your marriage is worth salvaging. You've been away a month -- does he even give any indications that he misses you ?

maalox

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We all want to feel loved and appreciated.

I have asked my husband why he isn't interested in making love with me that often and he said it was because he wasn't attracted to me as much anymore because of my weight and because of how I made him feel when I didn't enjoy sex with him earlier in our marriage. We are at the point where we fight all the time, usually about how I feel bad about the way he reacts to me. He doesn't ever seem to be excited about spending time with me-he acts like it is a chore for him even though he says he wants to be with me. He doesn't make time for me. He doesn't show me affection except to kiss me goodbye in the morning and goodnight before we go to bed.

Let me ask you this: do you still feel attractive and comfortable with your body? Do you like yourself and the person you are?

What I am driving at: if you are not happy about yourself, you cannot expect your partner to do all the validation for you, since that is seriously draining and might kill off any kind of affection.

Your whole post sounds to me as if you expect your partner to be 100% responsible for your well being, while you are taking a somewhat passive approach to it.

Once you feel happier in your own skin (regardless of your weight) you will less likely pick fights, you will seem more attractive and more enticing to be around and I am sure you will find the motivation to drop some weight if that is something that you want to do.

Am I the only one thinking "what an ahole" for telling you that hes not attracted because of your weight. If your happy with yourself then he should be to.

I would be shocked if I graduated college (esp. law school) and my husband didnt show any kind of support. Does he know how much work that is. Maybe hes jealous?

Am I the only one thinking "what an ahole" for telling you that hes not attracted because of your weight. If your happy with yourself then he should be to.

 

I would be shocked if I graduated college (esp. law school) and my husband didnt show any kind of support. Does he know how much work that is. Maybe hes jealous?

I don't agree with this. If she's happy... then she's happy. You don't get a lobotomy just because you get married. And he's not an ahole. He was honest. Not all honesty is happy fun kittens and rainbows.

I don't agree with this. If she's happy... then she's happy. You don't get a lobotomy just because you get married. And he's not an ahole. He was honest. Not all honesty is happy fun kittens and rainbows.

But the OP is putting all of the effort in and not getting anything in return. If she has to initiate sex and tell her husband to attend her LAW school graduation it DOES sound like he's had a lobotomy.

The notion of jealousy/envy also crossed my mind.

I think you should consider therapy.

I'm not a skinny little thing, but my bf loves me and finds me very sexy. We make love at least twice a week and he compliments my body often. The trick is for you to love your body. I think I'm sexy and that feeling is contagious! Now, many men will ignore you, it's a guy thing. They don't KNOW they are doing this, it's just how they are. Once they have you, they put you on the back burner, which makes women feel lonely, which causes us to eat, which puts on weight, etc.....

I think you need a new guy, one who makes you feel special just the way you are.

I don't agree with this. If she's happy... then she's happy. You don't get a lobotomy just because you get married. And he's not an ahole. He was honest. Not all honesty is happy fun kittens and rainbows.

I honestly think when you marry someone you are marrying the person not the body that they are in. I dont think its fair for men to down woman because we put on weight, we have your children, we breast feed and there are tons of other things that we dont have control over.

Me as a woman Im not attracted to bald men and now that my husband is going bald, I would never say anything like that to him. I would never disrespect him like that, because he is the man that I married no matter what.

I also agree that is doesnt have to be rainbows and sunshine but I dont think you have to put someone down to announce your feelings either.