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LAYAAN

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Went to school. My manuscript corrections are still going on. What an opportunity to exercise my patience muscle! I wonder a million times a day why I decided to get a PhD. I wish I could use that time and money to beautify myself and be a dumb, good looking girl instead. My life would be easier. Seriously, life is always easy for people who don't question it, for people who don't know why and how to question it.

I'm going to be sitting and praying my guts out to God that he provides all the wisdom and direction to make this paper acceptable and that this paper doesn't get rejected by the journal. I have no energy to fight anymore. I'm so tired.

 

Talked with my mom about my frustration and confusion about the marriage scenario.

What's the point? Really. She just doesn't get it. I told her that I'm not sure about kids. Her defence "Noone will take that rubbish. You will have to produce at least 1 kid. Don't even talk about this non-sense of not having a kid in arranged marriage market. People will call all of us psycho. It will be difficult to marry you off. Things are already rough. You will not get everything your way in marriage. Marriage is an adjustment. You will have to give up 3/4th and hope that the other person gives up 1/4th so you can stay together comfortably, I'm not saying happily."

Well, repeatedly I've been telling my mom that I've not yet felt the maternal pull. I don't really desire kids. I'm happy and I guess I'll be happy the way I'm. I hope that I'll use my time for cherishing my hobbies, community service, travelling, etc. I don't think that kids bring happiness. Its how you perceive happiness. All around myself, I see parents pushing kids to perform well at school. I see parents doing extra job to keep food on table. I don't want to be a part of that. I want to be able to do what I want to do in my life and not be responsible for another human being and to raise them well. Why doesn't she get it? I told her that a child will tie me down to a man and unless I want to have a child with that man, its not advisable to just go ahead and pump kids out because I have to have one. Come on. Someone please tell me that I or my mom doesn't make sense. Why doesn't she get it? My sis conceived 3 months into her marriage, pumped a kid out and now her husband doesn't want her. She said "I will not file for divorce because I already have kid with you. Where am I going to go now?" My own mother said to me "Had I not had you, I would have gotten divorced and would have freed myself from your father" and you still want me to have a kid? Why? Just to stay in marriage? What is the purpose of marriage? If you can't come home to someone, if you can't count on them, if you can't love them, if you can't live life the way you want with them, is marriage just to provide man what he is looking for? whether you agree with it or not? What's the use? Really. I feel a great deal of frustration and anxiety about my marriage. Even though I feel bad that I don't have a companion, I'm glad that I don't because I look around and see so many unhappy couples. My mom doesn't get me. What do I do? Where do I go? arghhhh! Its so frustrating! I just want to crawl into someone's arms and cry, but I don't even have that kinda person in my life.

 

I sometimes feel that I'll never find love, I'll never be in a happy relationship. I'm getting old and crusty. Why me? why me? why me? Why can't I have a normal life? Where do I go to cry? Does God listen to me when I cry? Whatever happened to that omnipresent blah blah $Hit.

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I talked with my bro and 2 good friends.

Cooked for the entire week, did all the dishes (very proud of myself), prayed before I went to bed.

Message for today - Just be thankful for whatever little bit you have in your life, things could have been much worse. Take what you have and keep looking ahead in life. Keep pushing yourself.

Don't bother with asking Qs like "Why others have it easier than I do?" Its futile. Noone knows what others are going through, but themselves. Yes, it seems like some people's lives are perfect, but they are not coming and telling you what challenges they are facing in their life. It just seems that their life is perfect. Reality may not be like that. So, count your blessings and keep pushing towards what you want to achieve.

At least until the end of Jan, what matters is completing internship, getting form A signed (turning in the proposal) and completing the subject collection. Nothing else matters. Don't give up hope!

Tomorrow is a new day!

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Don't you think you are old enough to have a different opinion than your mother and be ok with it? - Why is it so important that she understands. You know that she has very different background due to the culture when/ where she grew up. You have opportunities/ experiences that your mother never had a chance to go through. Of course your outlook on life will be different. Not that one is better than the other, but your lives are definitely already very different. Just agree to disagree. You have to learn to be emotionally independent from your parents. That doesn't mean you can't ask for their advice/ input, but don't let it get to you, if they don't see your point of view. How should they really be able to understand it?

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Yes, I'm old enough. true, but I have a problem. I have always tried to win my mom's approval and I have not received it most of the time.

With the kid issue, I'm not trying to win her approval. I'm only trying to prepare her because unfortunately we are looking for guys in the traditional arranged marriage market and when you search in that market for a guy (please excuse me for the way I write this stuff and the choice of words, I know it sounds bad) some ground rules apply. Because I don't talk about kids, some men have asked me on phone "Do you really desire kids or not?" When I answered that Q honestly some men were shocked, some gasped, some hung up on me and called my mom immediately and she yelled back at me. "Why did you ruin it for yourself?" I said "I can't lie. I have to be myself. I am confused about the kid issue and I won't get into marriage wanting to have a baby." As you can see, my problems are unique to myself. I want marriage but I'm not sure about kids. This attitude does not fly in arranged marriage market. People not only call me psycho for saying this, but they wonder if I'm biologically, genetically, etc. a woman. Its funny when I look at their face, the doubts, the pity, that they show me.

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Why is your mom's approval so important to you? - What I am trying to get at is what emotional need you are trying to meet. Maybe once you identify what it is, maybe there is a way to get it through other means/ a different person. - You have tried for so many years to get your mom's approval, but never gotten it. Why do you think this will suddenly change if your mother (as it sounds like) is not very likely to change? You can't change her, but you can change how you react (emotionally) to her.

 

About the kids: it's totally acceptable that you might decide not to have kids (some friends of mine have made that same decision). However once again you are putting yourself in a very difficult situation. I know it's hard to be between 2 cultures, but do you necessarily have to make it more difficult for yourself?

 

You know your mother will not be happy if you decide not to have kids. Is the arranged marriage a way for you to compromise with her, or do you really want to go that route for your own reasons? If you do it for your mother - you might as well not do it, if you upset her already about the 'no kids' you might as well bite the bullet and admit that even the arranged marriage path might not be the right thing for you.

 

If you do it for your own reasons, the question arises why you want to marry in the first place? - Of course there are couples that are married and have no kids, but the trend (at least in the West) is not to get married if you don't want children anyway, i.e. the number of guys who might be good candidates for you will be significantly reduced.

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Correct, Penelope.

I was going to say this in my previous post. The trend in the west, that I've seen, is 'those who don't want kids, mostly also don't want marriage'.

The reason why I want marriage is because I would feel used up if I stay with a man outside the marriage title. I would feel like a prostitute (not saying those who do it is bad, to each their own). I would be more comfortable performing a wife's role under the title of marriage. Unfortunately it is a legal relationship. Even if it wasn't, I would still want to get married. To be honest, I am revisiting my belief system about marriage and asking myself what exactly does marriage achieve for me if I'm not sure about kids?

Yes, my mother, she really has been the only parent I have ever known. I think the reason why I want to win her approval is because I trust that the woman is wise. Her marriage wasn't a success (though my parents never divorced) because it was mostly a mismatch and their own personality problems as well. Whenever my mom told me not to do something and I've gone ahead and done that anyways, I've always landed into trouble. That is how I realized that by listening to her advise, I'd save myself from a ton of grief later.

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I had 8 hours of pure brain labor today. Surprising, my prof. says "You are stretching your brain muscle, its being created. Not to worry about feeling like your brain is being fried." Sure!

I appreciate all this opportunity to learn. Hopefully, our paper will get out there soon and our work will be recognized.

I felt numb for a few min after hearing that one of the students in the grad program is fighting deep depression due to his mom passing away. I have a habit of complaining about little things here and there. Really, now when I come to think of it, I have nothing to complain about. I am so thankful that my parents are still going strong.

Especially my recent accident and few days after my accident has made me more thankful and put a lot of things in perspective. Things could have taken whatever turn. I could lose my memory, lose a limb or two, die instantly due to that car hitting me hard. Guess, it didn't hit me hard enough .

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I was talking to a man through arranged marriage process for almost a year, or 1.5 yrs. He wouldn't come to see me, called me ocassionally, gave a whole bunch of excuses, reasons, this that. I was naive, bought into all the excuses. I distinctly remember he was divorced then. I remember he told me initially that he is a very genuine person. He said "I love kids, I'll do something for charity for kids in my life later on." I was really attracted to that. He didn't stand up to any of his words. He bragged about his house, his Lexus. wow...

I saw his profile posted on a new dating website today. His profile says "never married". Who knows what the man is upto? I might have just dodged a bullet. What kinda people are left in today's world man... I might as well stay single than to be with someone like this man.

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I hope that I set some realistic goals for this year. Last year I had so many goals that I ended up achieving none of 'em.

 

What do I really wish for myself in this year?

1) Drive within the speed limit and not get a speeding ticket

2) Be patient, seriously, be patient with myself, my friends, my parents, and strangers.

3) Let go of the anger and resentment towards the men who mistreated me (or atleast I feel that way) in arranged marriage market.

4) Not be hard on myself, be kind to myself. Not indulge anymore into self-sabotaging behavior.

5) Eat sugary foods only on weekends

6) Live one day at-a-time

7) Learn to trust God more, learn to work a little harder, and learn to turn the rest over to God. Learn to worry less about what I have no control over.

8) Don't show my emotions to the rest of the world. Don't talk negatively, don't talk about my fears to the outside world, because when I talk, they judge me and say that I am too anxious that I am a negative person which is not true. I believe in working hard, but I also consider the issues that might arise in future and I like to be cautious. I don't know why people would think that is so bad.

9) Not be an impulsive shopper. Really stick to the list of items that I need and save the rest of my money.

10) Compare myself less to others. Understand that I made some decisions in my life. I chose to complete my pharmacy internship instead of choosing to date like my classmates did. So now that I'm done with my internship and studying for boards, my friends are getting engaged, moving in with their bfs, getting married, etc. What I invested my time into has brought me fruit. What they invested their time into, has brought them fruit. Noone told me to start my internship while I'm still in the PhD program. It was entirely my choice. I knew what I would be facing during this time. There is no point blaming anyone else that I don't have a steady bf at this point. I had very little time to put into that area of life.

11) Be more goal oriented, give myself deadlines and stick to 'em. Achieve little little goals and then reward myself.

 

I guess I'll stop here. Anything I achieve in addition to this should be a bonus.

 

I hope I can achieve a littlebit on this list and make it a habit. I hope that it will make me feel better about myself and that I will also become a better person.

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I hope that I set some realistic goals for this year. Last year I had so many goals that I ended up achieving none of 'em.

 

What do I really wish for myself in this year?

1) Drive within the speed limit and not get a speeding ticket

2) Be patient, seriously, be patient with myself, my friends, my parents, and strangers.

3) Let go of the anger and resentment towards the men who mistreated me (or atleast I feel that way) in arranged marriage market.

4) Not be hard on myself, be kind to myself. Not indulge anymore into self-sabotaging behavior.

5) Eat sugary foods only on weekends

6) Live one day at-a-time

7) Learn to trust God more, learn to work a little harder, and learn to turn the rest over to God. Learn to worry less about what I have no control over.

8) Don't show my emotions to the rest of the world. Don't talk negatively, don't talk about my fears to the outside world, because when I talk, they judge me and say that I am too anxious that I am a negative person which is not true. I believe in working hard, but I also consider the issues that might arise in future and I like to be cautious. I don't know why people would think that is so bad.

9) Not be an impulsive shopper. Really stick to the list of items that I need and save the rest of my money.

10) Compare myself less to others. Understand that I made some decisions in my life. I chose to complete my pharmacy internship instead of choosing to date like my classmates did. So now that I'm done with my internship and studying for boards, my friends are getting engaged, moving in with their bfs, getting married, etc. What I invested my time into has brought me fruit. What they invested their time into, has brought them fruit. Noone told me to start my internship while I'm still in the PhD program. It was entirely my choice. I knew what I would be facing during this time. There is no point blaming anyone else that I don't have a steady bf at this point. I had very little time to put into that area of life.

11) Be more goal oriented, give myself deadlines and stick to 'em. Achieve little little goals and then reward myself.

 

I guess I'll stop here. Anything I achieve in addition to this should be a bonus.

 

I hope I can achieve a littlebit on this list and make it a habit. I hope that it will make me feel better about myself and that I will also become a better person.

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"I'm not trying to rain on your dreams, but I am assuming what you really want is a HAPPY marriage, not just a marriage.

 

A lot of misery is borne from people getting so caught up in the idea of being married, that they forget to ensure that they are marrying the right person. She clearly isn't for you, and if you are so inclined to believe, she and her ex could very likely be building marriage full of all sorts of drama and heartache...which isn't what you want anyway, so why the chagrin. Let 'em have each other, as my Grandma used to say "It'd be a shame to ruin two couples"

 

Now I'm doing it. Assuming to know what their marriage is like. The point is, you can no more assume their marriage is all love, sex and sunshine any more than you can assume it's misery, games & deceit...So why the jealousy?

 

When you do find someone who is worth spending the rest of your life with, you will be able to savour it only if you have first learned to be happy with yourself. So focus on building the best life you can for yourself while you wait for her and you to find each other. Don't waste your time seething with negative energy for someone who has the appearance of what you think you want.

 

I don't mean to criticize you, I mean to suggest a different perspective. Instead of looking around for "why them and not me", focus on building a life for yourself so that when someone special comes along, they are able to ADD to your already fulfilling life, not COMPLETE it.

 

Take care"

 

FarthestEdge

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I purchased a blender to make smoothies from fresh/frozen fruit yesterday and I just made my 1st smoothie. I put all fruits: 1 apple, 1 orange, 3 kiwis, 2 peaches, 1 scoop of protein powder, 1/4th cup of soy milk and I'm so excited that contents are all mushed up and I didn't have to do a thing. Now I don't have to buy canned juices. I can get juice AND fiber. Its a big for me.

I hope to continue using this blender for making more healthy smoothies. Ye! I'm really excited!

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"I never gave more than two chances for unreliability (obviously there were some emergency type exceptions) especially if the apology was nonexistent or lame. And if I heard "I'm not sure I want a relationship" I listened closely, usually assumed it meant "with you" at the end of that sentence even if it was general (it usually is a polite way of saying "with you") and moved on. That way I didn't have to put up with mixed signals - I simply moved on.

 

I never just wanted a guy who was just "hopelessly into me" - I wanted to see that in his actions towards me and to see that it could lead to a stable, solid relationship. So I didn't care whether he "seemed" hopelessly into me - if he wasn't reliable about calling, making plans, and respecting my time, if he wasn't a good listener and concerned about my well being, if he didn't share his specific goals for the future - marriage, career, family, etc. then it didn't matter how "hopeless" he was about me - we weren't going to be compatible because all the things I listed above are behaviors I did and describe the way I treated my SO or potential SO.

 

Without a list or some guidelines I see many women wasting their time on men who are sweet, charming, gaze into their eyes, but they never know when they're going to hear from him or see him, plans are often tentative, he is often "busy" and he forgets that she has an important interview, or meeting at work, or that it's her parents' anniversary that she's spent weeks planning a party for. Is she really going to tell herself that in her gut she knows that "he's hopelessly into me" when she can't reach him on his cell, landline or workphone when she's in early labor?"

 

Batya33

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have been feeling restless since last week or so.

I talked to the pharmacy manager yesterday and got the issue of my internship taken care of. Came home and thanked God for how awesome the pharmacy manager is. Felt much better after getting that thing taken care of.

I talked to a guy in terms of marriage proposal yesterday. He seems decent. The conversation went well. After hanging up the phone my mind started wrestling with me about the green card issue.

I have been here for my education since last 5 years now. When I first came here, honestyly, I came with an intention of completing my PhD and I thought then I'll decide if I want to stay or go somewhere else. During all this time, I saw immigrant men and women around me running after ABCDs or whites for marriage. I didn't do it. The emotional suppleness/support that I have felt in my own culture and my own people, I couldn't find it in White culture (I have nothing against anyone, just my observation and experience). I even tried to date a white guy, felt the same thing. I didn't feel emotionally connected to him. I didn't feel that I could call him and talk to him and I'd be okay after talking to him. 5 years have passed by and I feel like a loser for not snagging a citizen. I felt like the biggest loser after an Indian girl came here in 1st year and got married to a white guy within 10 months of dating him. It was the talk of the entire graduate school. Who cares if she made the right decision or not? Who cares if the marriage stays put or not? What happened to those marriages where people practiced extra caution to make sure that they were marrying the right person for the right reason, and the marriage still fell apart... Even if her marriage falls apart, she will at least get a green card out of this arrangement. She is still young and can go after another man then. I would say, a smart decision. Did she care that the whole school talked badly about her? No. Did she care that his family didn't agree for him to marry her? No. Or that he couldn't marry with her in front of his family so they had to go to Las Vegas and get married? No. At the end she got what she wanted and thats what matters. People talk about you no matter what. Their talking good about you doesn't get you through your life's problems anyways.

I feel like an idiot. A complete total idiot, loser. Why didn't I hook a guy? Why do I have this requirement that I'm not going to sleep with a man until I'm comfortable? The girl was sleeping with this man and she lured him back into the relationship with sex, may be I could do that too. Why didn't I try? Why did I keep myself busy with a hard lab, raising my GPA, going to an idiotic program like PhD (that most Indian men made fun of) and if this wasn't enough, I also started my pharmacy license journey. Why? What did it achieve me really? Sometimes I feel that I'm not sure about what my idea of happiness is. I tend to do what feels right to me and then miss out on something and then cry that I don't have something that others have. I don't know why I'm like this. I dread going back to India, but I'm still not willing to get married to anyone. I think that its not the right reason to marry a man and if thats the only reason, marriage may not even stay put for 3 years.

I came home from the pharmacy late last night. Sat in front of my God and just wept. Why is there no peace of mind about the decisions I have taken in my life? Why is there no sense of calmness? Why do I want what others have? Why am I not confident in my decisions? I don't know. I do know that I wish my life would be different, but I have fears. I called my mom. She says "Don't run after a green card. Look for a man that you can live with on a day-to-day basis and live happily. Where you live doesn't matter. If you and your husband are in-tune, you can face life's challenges together and you will still be together and happy in that. What is the use of marrying someone with a hope of getting a greencard and you can't even talk to the guy?" Makes sense, but is it a practical advice? I dont' know anymore. I have tried raising this issue to God. He appears silent as usual. Wish I were a saint to hear what God is trying to tell me. I think having God in this whole picture causes more confusion than help. You wonder about His Will and if he will cooperate with your plan. When you don't know anything about God or dont' acknowledge his presence, things are easier. Its what you believe you need to do, you get it done. When you know things are not working you look to improve your game. Hopefully that can achieve you some results. I don't know what's the point of having God in my life. I hope He answers this Q at least.

Well, its work-day, I got to go and work on my manuscript.

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2 leaves Kale

3-4 leaves green Collard

2 Snicker bar size frozen spinach (slightly thawed)

2 small apples

1 very ripe banana

1/4th cup orange juice (not needed, I just had some on hand)

1 scoop of protein powder

3 packets stevia natural sweetner

 

Blended all in my blender. Wonderful, looks green and I can't taste vegetables at all. That makes me happy. I hope to lose some weight in this new year with this smoothie. Yum Yum! Hurray!

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I have no clue what my ex wants from me. He has tried to reach me several times lately.

I have gone to the great length of explaining to the deans that I was dating this man and HE decided to move on and got married to someone else. He also has a child now. He has no business contacting me especially after I made it clear to him that I don't want to stay friends with him.

It was 3 am PST, the front desk worker didn't know what to do and transferred me the call. Now he knows that I still live in the dorm and if he calls the dorm front desk at an odd time, he can reach me. Well, he also knows my home phone no. now.

I will have to go through the trouble of being judged again when I plead the deans that my home phone no. be changed one more time. They may not agree. Its too much of a headache for them.

I'll have to contact the cell phone company and tell them to change my phone no.

good luck to me!

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I realized that the way they went, should not have caught me by surprise. I did talk to these men, but did I listen? Did I ask Qs? I don't think so. I talked too much for too long or too little and rushed to meet. So, the Qs that they asked were really not opposite to what they said in their profile or what they appeared to want when I talked with them on phone.

Case 1) Appeared okay, looked @ my pic and said, "you look great. So, how many relationships have you been in so far?" Who asks that Q? That should have been my cue to leave. Did I leave? Nope. Here are more of his comments.

Me "We can meet in Santa Barbara instead."

Him "No, no, you drive 4 hours, I drive 4 hours. SB is an hour extra drive for me."

Again, I should have left him alone at that point, but no.

When I finally tried to push meeting in SB, he still didn't listen and met in SM instead and complained right from the moment he got there until he left.

Again like all other Indian men that I met, asked me "Where can you get a job, How much is your monthly expenditure (who asks that Q to a woman on a 1st date?), Do you need to study ahead?" complained about the healthcare, complained about the way people around us looked, complained about the coffee and finally threw half of it in trash. Just was very very annoyed and restless.

Updated his profile on EH right away after meeting me and sent me an email. "Well, I didn't feel the chemistry. Good luck to you."

 

case 2) When I asked him what was he looking for in a girl, he said a working wife. Didn't say a word after that. Well, I should have asked for more clarification. I didn't. That is my fault. Acted very strange. Looked at my palm and said "oh, your mound of venus is huge." Who says that to make other person uncomfortable. Touched my cheeks, grabbed my waist and pulled me closer to him and said "you should just admit that this feels good."

Why on earth did I email him again? Nothing went anywhere because he complained that I didn't have a job. I should have known this response without asking.

 

case 3) We talked on phone just once. "Just because one doesn't have a PhD doesnt mean that they are not smart. They just chose not to go that route for some reason." Right, but why did he say this? I never asked him anything about that. I never said anything about my education more than the basic facts either.

I still went to meet him. I should not have. Very bad meeting experience.

Well, first of all he took me to a restaurant that was madly noisy and crowded. Finally we got a table. We couldn't talk in that noise. The waiter mixed up our food. He sent the rice back without asking me if I wanted to keep it. I had barely started eating, he said "I'm full." What was I supposed to do? Eat my food or not? Then the Qs started "Why is your accent Americanized? Did you learn to speak this way? I think I can speak better ... (my mother tongue) than you." "Why get a PhD? Whats the need?" When I stated my reasons calmly and said that I'm not materialistic, but I really want job satisfaction, he appeared surprised and said "Oh, you are not materialistic?" "Are you in recession-proof profession?" Who is in recession - proof profession now when fire-stations are closing down at some places in CA? Why ask such idiotic Qs? If you wanted someone in such professions, you should have prepared your own list and should only see girls in those professions.

The waiter again mixed up our desserts. He sent 'em back, "No I want what I ordered." Just get out man! Go some other place where you really can hold a decent conversation with the girl. He came accross as someone who had made up his mind that he was going to say no, but just didn't know how to say it, so kept saying whatever to kill time. I should have read this through his conversation on phone and should have chosen not to meet him, but I didn't and I really came home hurt by his Qs and behavior.

 

I really hope that I learn something from this and ask important Qs to men before I go to meet them. There is no point in meeting if the basic ideas are not matching.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I completed painting/filling in colors into 3 tiny suncatchers yesterday. Did my laundry and dishes. Didn't go to the pharmacy. Felt very very burned out. Didn't want to do anything with school/pharmacy.

I saw cars lined up by the dorm. Most girls have BFs. Look at me. My life sucks. I have noone. I'm just going to settle now. So, I don't end up being alone. There is no point in waiting for a decent man. They don't exist anymore. Right now also I don't feel like going to the pharmacy. I'm instead going to buy some glass painting colors and paint some dishes and glasses. When the rest of the world is celebrating the day with their loved ones, I'm all by myself. I want to be with a man so bad. I'm just tired of coming to an empty home everyday.

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I had a date on Saturday. This guy is divorced and kept talking about his ex. I agree that he is traumatized. He mentioned his 4 non-negotiable areas. I only listened. I wasn't intending to ask a whole lot of Qs anyways since it was the 1st time I met.

Something tells me that I should steer clear of divorced men. They inevitably carry it into their next relationship if they get into a serious relationship. My mom said the same thing "You will never know what the truth is. Its not legitimate request to talk to his ex. You will have to go with his word and you will always get only 1 side of the story." This guy is so cautious now that any little thing is ticking him off, I guess.

One thing is for sure. Marriage is tough. Deciding to get married to someone is tough. Pushing through that marriage is tough. I guess, I'm always put in a situation where I'm questioning myself "Why do I want to get married?" "What is it that I want from my marriage?" Its interesting how I really want to get married but can't find love. We all yearn for a companion but not all of us seem to get it. We question if marriage really is for us? We complain, we cry, but we still yearn. Isn't life interesting?

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There are a lot of things that play a role in making a marriage successful. Love is just a start, but by no means the only thing or sufficient. To figure out if you can make it work with a specific person can be quite daunting. That's where the love should come it, to motivate you to address all these things, because you know who you are doing it for.

 

So far you have always put emphasis on the marriage as a primary goal when meeting men. There is nothing wrong with only wanting to get involved with people where you see potentially a life long commitment.

 

However you have not been very successful nor happy with the outcome of your approach, why not try something different: why not look for love first, get to know the person and then decide if you could make a marriage work with this person.

 

By this I don't mean you should date around indiscriminately and get involved with guys if they don't have the intention to marry some day. But it's different to ask a man early on if they want to get married or if they can imagine marrying you, without knowing you well yet on a personal level.

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Thank you Penelope for reading my journal and for your input. I really appreciate it.

I am going to create a thread on this dilemma of mine. You have brought forth an interesting point that I should consider. I think its fears in my heart that don't allow me to lose sight of marriage.

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I was watching an online sermon podcast. Alright, so this guy says "You can ask God anything you desire, but as long as you ask within His Will, only that will be granted to you." Yes, right! as if I needed this guy to tell me this. How in the world do you know God's will? How do you know what to ask and what to not ask? I really think that having God in your life creates more problems. If my God doesn't want to give me somethign that I've been repeatedly asking him for why does he want me to continue asking? Why is God behaving like a fallen human being... this is so aggravating! I'm going to stop praying and stop listening to those idiotic sermons. No use. Just a total waste of my time. Where is God in all this anyways. Is he even there? Does he listen to my cry, does he care? So, this pastor says "The only way to find out is put your desires on the altar. If your prayer gets answered, you know God desires this for you. If not, he will give you the same thing later (when he feels you are ready) or something else (which he thinks is better than what your crappy choice). This does not help reduce my anxiety and worry about marriage partner at all.

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I feel like my life has been a total waste, a total failure. I talked to my mom yesterday. I feel sad that I'm not married. I have a desire to get married. That idiot man that I met day before yesterday, who was abused by his ex, even he turned me down. Why? I wonder if a dog would even sleep with me. Why do these men keep turning me down? I feel like my life is not worth living. I feel like committing suicide. I have nothing going on in my life. I'm tired of feeling this way. Why can't I get a man? I'm useless. I dont want to feel this way about my life anymore. I wonder should I just join EH back. I would feel less lonely then.

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I'm getting an appointment with a life between lives hypnotherapist to see if I can talk to my spirit guide and see if I can get answer to this Q "Am I going to get married in this freaking life?" I hope my spirit guide doesn't cheat and can answer this Q straight yes or no. If he says no, I think I'll become a prostitute or something.

Those of you who read this might think that I'm drunk or smoking weed, I'm not. I really am just tired of working and coming to an empty home. I'm a sincere, honest person. Every Indian man has turned me down saying "Oh, you are not an engineer or a doctor. Oh, you don't have a job today, I'm moving on." All men in the US just want to sleep and never commit to a woman and marry her. Both my exes are dogs. Useless! I hate my life. I want to die.

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