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I have been pined as a cheater :(


MarkD

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I have been with my GF for almost 2 years now. Her last relationship ended badly after her 8 year BF cheated on her with her best friend. We have been so happy and in love. Everything blew up...just around exam time. When I was single, I had a profile on a singles site. After I told my GF I loved her and knew that we were going to be together for the long run, I went to remove my profile. Like lots of those sites, they make it impossible to just delete the profile. I got annoyed and just set my profile to invisible. I removed all my pictures, and set it to not allow any incomming messages etc. I am not interested in anyone but her. Somehow, one of her friends told her she saw my profile on the site. I dont know how they saw it, but she saw it and it freaked her out. I tried to explain, but she said "I have been down this road before and I dont like where its going". To top it off, a few months ago we were on my facebook when some girl I hardly know sends me a messages saying "hey hun". So she is adding that to the situation that is just making it hard on me... These two events are labelling me as a cheater in her eyes.

 

I dont know what to do I obviously deleted the profile and the girl that sent me that message, but the damage has been done.

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It's not your fault she got cheated on by her ex. Unless that profile showed you were active, she needs to chill out. You already explained situations to her, and I don't think you need to bend over backwards to prove you didn't cheat on her, when the "evidence" she has isn't exactly compelling.

 

You don't need to explain yourself over and over again. You have already told her what the situation was. She needs to accept it and move on. If she can't, maybe she needs to work on herself a little before she tries to have another relationship.

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yes I did delete the profile now. I understand what everyone is saying. I just really love this girl. We have talked about marriage and children etc... At the same time I want to help her with her trust issues. I know if I went through what she did, I would have some deep scars. I dont want to give up on her

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yes I did delete the profile now. I understand what everyone is saying. I just really love this girl. We have talked about marriage and children etc... At the same time I want to help her with her trust issues. I know if I went through what she did, I would have some deep scars. I dont want to give up on her

 

Of course you don't. But you can't WILL her into being okay because you love her. She has to take the steps to healing herself and seeing the situation now as different than her previous one.

 

She has to do that, and nothing you do will do that for her.

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you can't help her with her trust issues... its up to her to help herself.

 

You can't alter your life because someone was cheated on - its her issue to resolve not yours.

 

It can become tiresome to constantly "prove" yourself and you shouldn't have to... YOU didn't do the cheating- someone else did...

 

on the other hand... i don't blame her for worrying- i dont think i would break up with the person but i would definitely back off a little until i was sure there was nothing going on- i.e. if they were disappearing, strange phone calls.... more strange facebook messages.. etc... if nothing else came up i would assume the person was telling the truth and continue forward with them- if things continued to NOT add up - i would run for the hills.

 

but YOU should not alter your life to "prove" yourself- please don't make that mistake these situations can get very hairy.

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yes I did delete the profile now. I understand what everyone is saying. I just really love this girl. We have talked about marriage and children etc... At the same time I want to help her with her trust issues. I know if I went through what she did, I would have some deep scars. I dont want to give up on her

 

Apparently most people do in their relatioships, doesnt seem to hold much weight when the * * * * hits the fan.

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I am starting to think that the internet can be a really bad thing for relationshipd sometimes.

 

I wouldnt expect her to trust me either if things constantly "poped up". Right up to the day before she saw the site, everything was great. There is/was so much love between us. It didnt help that this happened at the worst time possible. She was right in the middle of exams and she is studying to be a Dentist...also to mentin that we are doing long distance (4 hour drive) while she is in school...

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I am starting to think that the internet can be a really bad thing for relationshipd sometimes.

 

I wouldnt expect her to trust me either if things constantly "poped up". Right up to the day before she saw the site, everything was great. There is/was so much love between us. It didnt help that this happened at the worst time possible. She was right in the middle of exams and she is studying to be a Dentist...also to mentin that we are doing long distance (4 hour drive) while she is in school...

 

Curious how she found it and knew it was you if your pics and profile were hidden?

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she said one of her friends saw my profile...no idea how they linked it to me without pictures??? As for facebook...we were both on my laptop looking at pictures when the girl sent a message. She doesnt check my email or anything like that...

 

I think the long distance thing made it more of an issue since she said, "I dont know who you are chatting with while Im at school".

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she said one of her friends saw my profile...no idea how they linked it to me without pictures??? As for facebook...we were both on my laptop looking at pictures when the girl sent a message. She doesnt check my email or anything like that...

 

I think the long distance thing made it more of an issue since she said, "I dont know who you are chatting with while Im at school".

 

I don't buy it. I think she has access to your email.

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Something about this story sounds suspect. Even though, I think that your best line of defense, was the dating page itself. Typically, it will let users know when that person logged in last. That could have showed that you werent logging on.

 

If your gf wants to believe that you cheated then she is gonig to believe that, this previous experience has left a bad taste in her mouth. The fact that she doesnt trust you says something. This issues are only going to get worse and perhaps you should invest time in a girl that wont use her past experiences as a reason not to trust you.

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Just curious how it was much easier to delete your profile after she found out about it? You also have to put yourself in her shoes, what if one of your guy friends found an old profile that she had up, and when you approached her about it she said she had a hard time taking down because she couldnt figure it out? Or some stranger emailed her while you were on the laptop looking at pics with her? Was there anything done to show her that you didnt log into your online dating profile? You can tell when the last time someone logged on was, did you point this out to her to reasure her? Or do you still check it from time to time? I am not agreeing with you nor her but just letting you see from all points of view.

 

I am not saying anyone is right or wrong and when you are in a relationship you should trust whom you are with but you should also not keep a blind eye to things. I would be a bit weary if I found out that my bf still had a profile up because it wasnt easy to delete it and I am sure you would as well if she had one up. Now that it is deleted though you cant show her and logon dates either I belonged to a few a couple years back and I agree they are hard to delete but I made sure they were gone when I met my current bf and the ones I was on did have last logon dates so you wouldnt email somone that hadnt logged on in over a month/year or so.

 

If this is all a misunderstanding and just really horrible obstacles or what have you and you get through them hopefully it will make you guys stronger. There will always be issues in a relationship, if not these it will be others. If you love her and are willing to work through this then by all means go for it. I hardly thing this is worth breaking up the relationship over. You seem to really love her and said yourself that you dont blame her by the way things were just popping up. i would say work through this and see what happens. It could just be a minor speed bump.

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I am right there with you. I did put myself in her shoes and thats why I dont blame her for questioning me. I also dont feel that this is a relationship killer. I would love to work with her to gain that trust and move forward.

 

As far as being able to delete it now...I just took more time to figure out how to completely delete it. At the time, it felt like I was deleting it since everything (so I thought) was completely blocked. I really hope this is just an obstacle in our relationship that will make us stronger.

 

The problem is, at this point, she has stopped communication with me...I am not pressuring her to make any decisions at this point. I just made sure she understood where I was coming from, and if she wants to break it off with me because of this, there isnt much I can do.

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Oh no sorry she isnt talking to you. Maybe she just needs some time to go through it all in her head. Are you close with her friends where you can talk to them about it as well? How long has there been no communication? I hope she is able to come to you to talk about this and you guys can work it out. Keep us posted.

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we havnt spoken on the phone for a couple of weeks since it happened right at the start of her exams...she said she couldnt deal with us while she was in exams. She said she would finish her exams and then deal with us... her exams are done now, but she said she just doesnt have the energy to deal with this right now. I should also add that she lost her Mother and Sister just over a year ago, and she said she needed to be with her family right now... she hasnt completely closed the door, but I am not sitting here waiting for her call....Im trying to just stay positive and go day by day and hope our future works out. Im not sure how else to go at it.

 

Its just really hard on me not being able to be there for her...

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