"You're a let down"

Background before you read the situation: I am 20 years old, and have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. My father is a very religious man, who does not believe in premarital sex. My mother is very strict about grades.

About 5 days ago, my father found a pregnancy test of mine (not pregnant), but it showed him that I was sexually active with my boyfriend of two years. With my dad being very religious, he was crushed. And lectured me on how I was not brought up that way, and how I had disappointed and let him down tremendously.

I have yet to have a full conversation with him since the lecture, or for that matter, made a lot of eye contact.

About 4 days ago, my final exam/final grades came out for the semester. I got a D, three Cs, and an A. Very different from my usual all A's and B's. Its not that I did not study hard, or slacked off. They were just very hard classes, and I only missed the B's by one or two points.

This was unacceptable to my mother, and she has yet to really keep a full conversation with me, or if we do speak its all negative. How I am a disappointment and I am throwing my future away.

All of there comments (that still are happening) about how I am such a let down, and a disappointment to them, really is getting to me. How am I suppose to feel, as there only child, that I let them down, and it seems I can't really redeem myself.

The whole situation is draining, and I would really appreciate some outsiders outlook on the situation or advice. Thank you.

thats bad, my family is strick about sex, but grades, they don't really care. because if you can do it, you can do it, no one needs to push you to do it. you need to tell your parents/mom that they will be time ill fail or do somthing wrong. I AM NOT PEFECT LIKE YOU THINK. if thats what you want to tell them.

no one is perfect, so dont worry, and be happy.

Unfortunately, too many parents fire emotional arrows at their children in this manner. When your parents' respect and approval means a lot to you, they can really hurt. There's only one solution and many people have to learn this as they grow older: you've got to live for something greater than your parents. Your goals and purpose have to be your own and not those of anyone else. Get your self worth from your self, from your own progress towards the things you've set before yourself.

We can't make other people like us or approve of us, including our parents. Don't try to live your life for anyone else, not even them. They're imperfect people, just like you and I. This is the realization that we all have to make eventually.

you've got to live for something greater than your parents.

true, in many cases i have listened to my parents and the outcome i reached was better than what would have happened if i had not listened to them.

but i have carved my own path in many ways, and, while i have not defied them, i have definitely gone against the grain in many ways.

my brother and sister listen to my parents more than i do. they take my parents advice on a lot of matters, and heck they do better in school than i do... but here's what i have that they dont. i am an independent person with an independent mind. i make decisions for myself, and a lot of times, i just tune out all of that negativity that comes out from my parents. right now i have one of the best relationships out of all of my friends... and im not saying that as oh look at me. im just saying if you set your ambitions above what your parents had planned for you, then don't be ashamed of them.

have thick skin. be honest with yourself. if you know what a hard job youve done in school, there's no reason to be upset about it. you can't lose if you're honest with yourself. you know ten times better than them what blood sweat and tears have gone into that.

I'm in that situation now actually. My mom is particularly crushed to discover I'm not waiting until marriage, and although I've graduated and have a good job, she hates the fact that my views on sex does not match with hers.

My best advice is to let it be... I learned that I cannot change my mom's views nor can she change mine. I've accepted the differences and it's ultimately up to her to accept them as well.

I don't know. It makes me angry to read things like this. It's so WRONG to talk that way to one's child. It's just wrong on every level. It boggles my mind that parents, knowing what we (ought to by now) know, can continue to talk this way to their (relatively) young children. It's ridiculous.

I suspect that most of the advice you'll receive here will run along these general lines: "don't take it to heart, don't be negative in response, and don't waste time on futile arguments." It's a popular approach, and one that many sensible people will recommend. But it's not a course I could take - nor recommend. I'm not built that way. Heck, if these things were said to you in my presence, even not knowing you, I would stand up for you. I have a stiff neck, and some things grate to hard too ignore.

Rather than silence, my own response to "you're a let down" would be this: "I am equally disappointed that my own parent would speak to me this way." The choice need not be between rudeness or silence: it is entirely appropriate, to my mind, to calmly and firmly let it be known that you are no doormat. It's an attitude that has only ever had positive results in my own life.

People often live in so much fear of parental disapproval that they'll take staggering amounts of * * * * from them over the years. The sad truth is, it's not necessary AT ALL. Don't be rude, but don't sit there and take it either. Any person, parent or otherwise, who shuns you because you politely speak up for yourself, is a person you don't need in your life.

Good luck to you, whatever course you take.

My parents were never that obsessed with me being sexual, but they were with grades. When I was in grade school, I used to get whipped on my butt with a leather belt for each grade that was below a B. That included individual assignments, not just final grades.

I can understand where you are coming from. I'm an only child too.

What I had to do to get them to stop freaking out was write one of those "it could be worse" letters. After I got it in their head that I COULD be out there with three different kids from three different girls, addicted to drugs, broke and homeless, etc.. they calmed down a little bit.

It might be worth it to just talk to them and tell them that you respect their expectations for you, but that you are your own individual and they can't expect you to live your life like they want to. Just use the "it could be worse" logic.

Rather than silence, my own response to "you're a let down" would be this: "I am equally disappointed that my own parent would speak to me this way." The choice need not be between rudeness or silence: it is entirely appropriate, to my mind, to calmly and firmly let it be known that you are no doormat. It's an attitude that has only ever had positive results in my own life.

I'd say that's a more courageous choice, but in most cases it will be futile. Parents are often set in their ways and won't hear anything they don't want to hear. Mine were that way and I've known friends' parents that were that way.

To the OP, speak up if you like, but be aware that in most cases it will just invite more arrows.

My response would be:

"I'm sorry if I disappoint you, but I know how hard I worked, and I know what my values are, and what's important to me. So I'm not disappointed in myself."

You are 20- they don't have to coddle you like a six year old, and are entitled to speak their minds (however unfortunate their choice of words). BUT, at 20, it's time you start looking to yourself for your sense of worth. If you are ok with the choices you make and what you achieve, the rest is much less important.

If I were your mother, I would be concerned about an unwanted pregnancy and how that would affect your life, but I wouldn't be concerned about you not waiting until marriage for sex, and I'm fairly religious. Sex is from God and it is to be shared between men and women. Now your grades wouldn't fly at all with me. I worked my butt off to get high grades in college, and I was raising a child and working two jobs at the time. So, I accept no excuse from my son for bad grades and your parents shouldn't with you. If you work hard and study well, anyone can pass most classes with good grades, even the hard ones. Just study a bit harder and smarter. Sex is not the issue here, your grades are. They will follow you your entire life and Ds do not look good on transcripts.

Parents feel disappointed in us because they tried to provide the best for you and it wasn't good enough, so they think. I think that there is no excuse, unless you have an unaddressed vision problem, or test taking problems, to get D's and C's when you are also getting A's. It proves that you can do it, and your parents probably rightfully think you can do better if you apply yourself, and ask for help if you are stuck and get help. College isn't a cakewalk. The classes are going to get progressively harder so there may be times when you have to give your boyfriend a raincheck on plans in order to bust your butt. You should want to push yourself harder so you can get to the next step in school and your career.

Honestly, instead of saying "poor me", I would take the high road and interpret that your parents meant that they were disappointed in your behavior and performance, rather than you as a person.

I see a lot of people focusing on the mechanics of doing well in school, but that's not the problem. There's a core motivation issue for some people that is very difficult for others (without this issue) to understand. It's naturally assumed by most people that doing well in school is a good thing, that finding a job and a career is a good thing, and that all these such endeavors will lead to happiness.

But...

There are a few of us out there that can't see the happiness at the end of the tunnel like the rest of humanity can. We visualize ourselves graduating from college, finding a job, making money, and yet... still being miserable. For whatever reason, this is what we see at the end of the road. Maybe we saw how success made our parents miserable or maybe we're just wired differently. But telling us to just suck it up and do it will never do anything for us. What we need is different motivation and unfortunately money, a house, a family... it's not good enough for us. We need an abstract concept, a purpose, a higher calling in order to find any joy in the work we do.

You can compare all you want the lives of the guy making $15,000/yr and eating noodles and the guy making $150,000/yr with his apartment in Manhattan, but if we've seen how miserable the latter guy is, how his wife cheated on him and left him, how he's half-way suicidal, then exactly where does our motivation come from to pursue such a course? Why would we bust our butts to do well in school when we see how miserable some people are that were 4.0 Ivy League students?

I completely understand lack of motivation for the typical successes people go after. I only wish those people that chase after those successes could just for a moment understand why we don't see things their way. We can be motivated... it's possible... it just takes a different approach and a different sort of reasoning.