Dr. Horrible Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Hey guys, I just wanted to get a sense of how the community feels about this subject. I'm sure plenty of us on here have heard variations of "it's not you, it's me" and "I'm confused and need to find myself." I'm curious about your different experiences and if, in the end, you ever found out if it was the truth or just a bunch of bull. Link to comment
Theblueman123 Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Every time it was all BS. And even I have used that line before to get out of hurting her feelings. It's just one of those "let you down easy" lines. Link to comment
rigguy Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 I agree with Theblueman "let you down easy" and making an excuse to get away from guilt especially if replacement is already lined up. Link to comment
Mustachio Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 It may not necessarily be a lie... but the truth is that their feelings have changed. So even though it is you, they say that because they are being selfish and only thinking about themselves and their feelings. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 my ex told me that he "just needed to be by himself" and "didn't want to be with anyone else for a long time" and "needed to find out who he was" and "just wants to be alone" and "it's not you, it's me" 10 days later he was sleeping with another girl. i have heard from mutual friends that he's planning on moving accross the country with her. Link to comment
alli Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 I once told an ex "It's not you, it's me". But really, it was DEFINITELY him. He was just too much, and I still can't believe he needed me to spell it out for him. SO dense. No really, you would have to get to know him. But if you did, you wouldn't be able to speak with males, you wouldn't be able to have friends that happened to be male, your clothing would have to be pre-approved by him, and you would need to keep your phone on hand at all times because if you didn't answer, he would call you another 17 times in a row. And on and on... I don't care what he thought as long as I got out in the end! He can blame it on me all he wants. Link to comment
WomanWriter Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Ya, it's a lie. Mine said "People should become independently established before they settle down" and "I need to focus on getting myself healthy" and "I would marry you now if I could but I can't" and "I'll always love you, but don't have false hope." Now he's with another woman and it's serious. I asked him if he was leaving me for someone else and he said no at first. Then later he said "I don't want to hurt you." It's a lie. Who leaves a long time relationship to "find" themselves unless they don't love you? Link to comment
BriarRose Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 It means they met someone and want to see how things pan out before they dump you. Link to comment
AutumnBorn Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 my ex told me that he "just needed to be by himself" and "didn't want to be with anyone else for a long time" and "needed to find out who he was" and "just wants to be alone" and "it's not you, it's me" 10 days later he was sleeping with another girl. i have heard from mutual friends that he's planning on moving accross the country with her. Tough. Sorry to hear, but this just confirms my theory that it's always a lie when one hears that line. My ex tells me he's not ready for a relationship, doesn't want one, just wants to be alone. The sad part? He's been dating someone for six months. He hasn't gone out with anyone else since they met, but I believe him, for the first time in years. He doesn't have the emotional capacity to deal with a woman in love - and he said they were "emotionally out of balance". I see a heartbreak coming into some woman's future. She has no idea how manipulative and deceitful he can be. He just wants a f-buddy and she has no clue. He still has an ad running on OKCupid (they met through Match). He checked it yesterday (I sign in under deep cover once a week or so and always pop over to see when he last logged in). She's going to hear this line soon or he'll just be "too busy" to go out and she'll wonder how she's going to get her make-up bag and waxing kit out of his bathroom and when it's going to stop hurting. Link to comment
fearless31 Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 i think in most cases it's a cop out. however, i think in some cases it could be that the relationship was elevating to the next level - probably marriage or otherwise serious committment - and this person realized they weren't ready for that. a lot of the reasons people may not be ready are because they are not happy with themselves and as we know you can't be part of a relationship that is successful in the long run if you don't feel whole in yourself. so although i think in many cases this is just what people say to make themselves feel better and/or not put the pressure on the other person, as with anything i don't think you can completely generalize...though i do agree in many cases it's not true... Link to comment
Dr. Horrible Posted December 4, 2009 Author Share Posted December 4, 2009 Yeah, my ex told me that she wasn't happy enough with herself and needed to find and love herself more before she could truly be a good partner. Knowing her, and that the subject of her liking herself enough had popped up in the past, I'd like to believe she was telling me the truth. Knowing the wonderful person she is, or at least was, I can't help but hope it was the truth. Seeing all the posts about it being a cover, I wonder if I'm just being naive and stupid. Link to comment
WomanWriter Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Well, I know you WANT to believe her. My ex also expressed insecurities about himself in the relationship, so part of me sort of believed him too, to a certain extent. He really DID need to get himself together. I mean, he was in college for a BA degree for nine years and ended up dropping out and getting horrible grades before he did. He was living at home and working for minimum wage. So yeah...he did need to get his life together...but.... now I hear he is serious about another woman. As far as I know, he is still at his old job, still not done with school, and still with his parents.... So ya, he needed to get his life together...but how come he's with her then? See, I think it's not TOTALLY a lie...but there is usually more to the story. Link to comment
fearless31 Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 yeah i guess it depends on whether or not you see or hear of changes, but sometimes we don't know...for example, if someone says that they want to fix themself/find themself, etc and they make life changes such as taking up new activities or even better, going to therapy, then i think indeed it is the truth... but yes, usually, as with everything, there is more to the story. Link to comment
soheartbroken Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 Actually, I believe that they can truly mean "it's not you, it's me". What this can mean - and I've used this line - is that your reasons for leaving are vague, and the partner is pretty good all around, but for some reason your feelings changed. And the reasons usually aren't very good reasons, but nonetheless you just can't stay in the relationship. So the dumper blames himself/herself because the reasons are silly. Which means in reality, IT'S BOTH OF YOU. So really, the one ex that I broke up with WAS a good person, and another person would be perfectly happy with her. But not me I guess. This made no sense. Sorry. Hope someone can figure this out. Link to comment
Chickenjuice Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 Considering that you're 22, and your ex-girlfriend's age is within a few years of that, it's probably true. It may have been an excuse for her to break up with you, but, ultimately it is true for her, that something within her feels a need to leave you and find some other path. Link to comment
SayWhen Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 I think it is a complete cop-out because regardless of if whether or not the dumper is really feeling that way, they should still give a tangible reason for the break-up to give some closure to the dumpee...because there is ALWAYS more of a reason than "I need to find myself." My ex broke up with me on Wednesday and his excuse was "I just cannot give 100% and I hate myself in this relationship, and I just thought it would eventually feel right, but it doesn't and I need to get out of it." Keep in mind that this was pretty much a shock to me as he was telling me he loved me that morning and being all cuddly and sweet. Well, I am 99% sure that he has someone lined up who may just be a fu** buddy but he needed to get rid of me first. He is just trying to not take responsibility for the real reason our relationship ended. It doesn't make me hate him any more or less, but it does make me say "GOOD RIDDANCE!" Link to comment
alli Posted December 6, 2009 Share Posted December 6, 2009 So for everyone that has been dumped, do you prefer to hear a detailed reason? I kind of see it as "beating you while you're down". Obviously it is implied that the overall reason they are breaking up with you is because they don't want to be with you anymore. Do you really want a more detailed reason... that they aren't attracted to you anymore, that they cringe when you lean in to kiss them, that the thought of you makes their stomach turn & they want nothing more than for you to stay away from them? Granted, that is not how it is for everyone, but that's how I felt towards my ex at the end... he just kept pushing, and pushing, and pushing, until I said "no more". And then he's acts like he's so clueless as to why I didn't want to be around him anymore. He already knew I didn't want to be with him, did I really need to spell out how he was controlling & manipulative? It was like... no matter what I said, he acted like I was cheating him out of something in the breakup. His mom was all like "she needs to tell him to his face". Well, I DID. And he nearly broke my wrist when I did it trying to shove the ring back on my finger & twisting my wrist to get the phone out of my hand (I decided to let him have it rather than holding on & him keep twisting, but if I hadn't decided to let go of my phone, I'm sure he would've broken it). When other guys have broke up with me... granted I wasn't happy about it, but I didn't need them to sit down with me & give me a run-through as to why we aren't dating anymore. They just didn't want to date anymore. I guess it's easy for me to say though. Those were just short term, dating-ish. I've never been dumped in a LTR before. (knock on wood!) Link to comment
Dr. Horrible Posted December 6, 2009 Author Share Posted December 6, 2009 I guess I just feel like after over two years with a woman I loved more than anything else, I deserved better than "I need to be alone and find myself but I still love you so much." Especially if the real reason was that she found someone else, or maybe just fell out of love with me. Now I feel like I'm still holding onto that idea that she she didn't stop loving me and find myself always wondering what the real reason was for her leaving. Link to comment
alli Posted December 6, 2009 Share Posted December 6, 2009 I guess I just feel like after over two years with a woman I loved more than anything else, I deserved better than "I need to be alone and find myself but I still love you so much." Especially if the real reason was that she found someone else, or maybe just fell out of love with me. Now I feel like I'm still holding onto that idea that she she didn't stop loving me and find myself always wondering what the real reason was for her leaving. If it's out of the blue, yes. Seems like a lot of times you can see things that happened before the breakup & add it up. If she gave you reason to question her faithfulness or you had a funny feeling she was cheating, then she dumped you, then she probably was. If you have fights all the time, can't find a happy middle ground where you are both satisfied with the outcome, differences in views on how you handle money, saying things that really hurt each other as a person... then that sounds like reason enough to end things. If you had no clue & thought everything was going great & she blindsided you with this, yeah she really should have given you a better reason. But maybe she doesn't have one, other than she didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. Link to comment
curiocity Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 My ex said, I want to be alone, I always wanted to be alone. Then said, I am not good for you. So we went NC. Then she made contact and we started texting and she said, I thought you wouldn’t agree with me that I wasn’t good for you. Huh? Anyway, we broke up a month later for good and this time too she said, I am not good for you. She said she wanted to be alone. Then shortly after said, my friend is going to hook me up with some guys. Brutal I tell you. Link to comment
curiocity Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 I guess I just feel like after over two years with a woman I loved more than anything else, I deserved better than "I need to be alone and find myself but I still love you so much." Especially if the real reason was that she found someone else, or maybe just fell out of love with me. Now I feel like I'm still holding onto that idea that she she didn't stop loving me and find myself always wondering what the real reason was for her leaving. I feel the same way. My ex started dating a few weeks after and I now wonder whether she had met him while we were together. Link to comment
sypaman Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 Yeah count me in the ranks of being dumped on a lie too .... i was her rebound relationship coming out of her marriage ... after nearly a year together , She dumped me , over the telephone no less , as she told me she had always been with a man in her life since she's 16 , and just wanted time alone. Needless to say a month later she was with someone else. And i found out through her damn myspace page, which she invited me to, so we could " stay friends " .... I was totally devastated. We were particularly close. We'd known each other for almost 30 years , since she was 8. we had a romantic interlude right before she met her future husband , and when the marriage was over 12 years later, she turned to good ol comfortable me for comfort. She was the last girl in the world I would expect to treat me like such crap. It's taken almost a year to get over it , but as much as i felt like i was going insane with not having the answers , I've resigned myself to the fact I'll never have that closure. It is what it is. And really , those questions don't seem as important to that fact it all comes down to : she just didn't want to be with me anymore. didn't really love me , even though she said and acted like she did. Guess I'm gonna just gonna have to find someone who does Link to comment
fantom1399 Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 this thread exactly explains what happened to me. We were faithful to each other and I know she not that type of person that will go and find another guy to have sex with because she was rarely out to bars or with friends because she was always submerged in school work. for a week she felt sort of distant towards me but it wouldn't last for long. Then finally she broke things off and told me that she needed to keep herself happy and that she needs to find herself. I found out that she's going to the bars when her exams are done but I'm thinking that it's just a way to release some stress from school and she's just looking to have fun with friends. But I can't help to think that there is another guy in the picture. She also said that she didn't think about the future in the same way as I did. I don't understand how someone can just change things so quickly and drop everything we had together... Link to comment
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