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I'm desperate for a relationship! how do I not feel so awfully lonely???


Elsewhere

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Every night I go to bed and every morning I wake up are just little disasters, I can't stand it! Noone to say goodnight to and noone to wake up for. I know there are worse things in the world, but for me it's just been soo long since someone cared about me .

 

I'm not the type who is able to fall into a "whatever" relationship just to be with someone - I need passion and desire and can't settle for less although I'm starting to wish I could...

 

I can't understand guys, they act like they really like me and then never call... And I swear my desperation doesn't show, it's really easy for me to get a date, harder to get a date I like - and then to make the guy I like want more than a sex based relationship. Oh and then there are people who consider it just fine to say: "you don't have a bf? why?" (why???) or "how can I girl like you not have a bf?"

 

Any advice on how I can make this painful feeling go away? I'm normally a happy person but it just becomes overwhelming, I need someone to love so bad!!!

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See what I highlighted? Those are big reasons why you won't ever have a successful relationship. You're looking for someone to complete you. You should wake up for yourself, not someone else. You should do for yourself, not someone else. Until you're a whole person who is happy and independent, you will never, ever find a lasting love.

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See what I highlighted? Those are big reasons why you won't ever have a successful relationship. You're looking for someone to complete you. You should wake up for yourself, not someone else. You should do for yourself, not someone else. Until you're a whole person who is happy and independent, you will never, ever find a lasting love.

 

Can people REALLY tell if someone is desperate or not to find love, esp if they keep an even keel and keep that desperation out of their personality?

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Can people REALLY tell if someone is desperate or not to find love, esp if they keep an even keel and keep that desperation out of their personality?

 

People don't hide things nearly as well as they think. People have "tells" about everything. There's a difference between what you're aware you're hiding and what you're not aware you show.

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See what I highlighted? Those are big reasons why you won't ever have a successful relationship. You're looking for someone to complete you. You should wake up for yourself, not someone else. You should do for yourself, not someone else. Until you're a whole person who is happy and independent, you will never, ever find a lasting love.

 

For sure you're correct, but what to do about it. I am rather successful in all other departments but I do not feel whole, bc noone wants to love me - ok now that's sounds cheesy.

 

Can people REALLY tell if someone is desperate or not to find love, esp if they keep an even keel and keep that desperation out of their personality?

 

I think if you a "good faker" people can only see what you show them. I can "fake" very well, when I'm between people I don't really care, maybe that's why it's easy. It's when I'm by myself, that's when it hits me.

 

But hexamaeron is sort of right to, when your guard is down true emotions show.

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For sure you're correct, but what to do about it. I am rather successful in all other departments but I do not feel whole, bc noone wants to love me - ok now that's sounds cheesy.

 

 

 

I think if you a "good faker" people can only see what you show them. I can "fake" very well, when I'm between people I don't really care, maybe that's why it's easy. It's when I'm by myself, that's when it hits me.

 

But hexamaeron is sort of right to, when your guard is down true emotions show.

 

It's not cheezy. You're basically telling someone else that your personal self-worth is his responsibility. Because here you are, saying it, "I won't feel good until someone loves me"

 

Who would want that sort of pressure? It's no different than if you went up to a guy and said "I can't be happy unless you're in my life"

 

... How long do you think he'd be standing there before he left smoking rubber burn marks on the ground.

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So how to get rid of it?

 

Yea, actually when I hear codependence, I don't think it's a bad thing...

 

Let me see, how can I explain this... You are saying you REQUIRE someone else in your life so you yourself can be happy and complete. You are in effect telling some other person that it is now a responsibility of theirs to stick around so you can be a happy, full person.

 

Whereas, when people are independent and content, they get into relationships because they WANT them, not NEED them.

 

To wit, since you need a relationship, you're more likely to pick someone that is wrong for you since you're trying to fill an absolute need, like someone drowning gasping for any air you can find. Whereas, someone who doesn't NEED that... someone inhales and enjoys the natural, beautiful air for what it is.

 

Does that make sense?

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If you're not happy with yourself without a relationship, you're unlikely to be happy with yourself (long term) with one.

 

Yea that is true. It's just hard because the more you think about that the more you think about being in a relationship.

 

The trick is to stop thinking about it. If yourself being single for the rest of your life and you're fine with that, then you know you will be happy in a relationship and not be Dependant/needy.

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QUOTE: See what I highlighted? Those are big reasons why you won't ever have a successful relationship. You're looking for someone to complete you. You should wake up for yourself, not someone else. You should do for yourself, not someone else. Until you're a whole person who is happy and independent, you will never, ever find a lasting love.

 

 

I totally agree with this...U need to be happy with yourself before anything else. It does show if you have confidence that you can be on your own without needing to be with someone, people will notice that about you. Noone likes a relationship where the one person is dependant on the other for their happiness.

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I'm a guy and I have the same problem. Except no one says "how can you be single". I guess one look at me answers that question. Lots of girls will pay attention to me. Some will even flirt. But in the end none are ever really interested in dating or a relationship outside of friendship. It can be very confusing because some of them act like they are really attracted. They care about my feelings a lot more than they should. Some make sexual advances too. In the end though, when I do get interested and become willing to lower my guard and start to let them in I end up rejected. It's one of the most devastating things to my self esteem because it's not like they tell me they liked me or found me attractive. They often say nothing or try to tell me I misread everything. I end up feeling like I was toyed with and usually end up hating them.

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I am on the same boat as you Elsewhere. Sometimes I feel desperately needing to be with someone when I am alone. I read a lot about this and the issue is people like us have low-self esteem. No matter how good looking you are, you are just simply insecure. I tried to accecpt the fact that being single is okay but its just depressing even the thought of it.

 

It just gets tougher as you get older because people are harder to meet and people around your age are either taken or married. It just gets tougher and tougher.....

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I see what all of you are saying - but it is NATURAL for people to need love. It is one of basic needs like air and sleep. It's a psyhological fact. So I can be happy and confident like a clam but take air away and I'll die, take sleep away and I'll go crazy. And take love away and I'll feel unhappy...

It's not that I feel incomplete, I just feel lonely. It's an empty space that my own attitude cannot fill.

 

 

 

 

I can't believe a guy has this problem. Can't imagine all girls around you act like that, is there anything they have in common?

I mean I understand why guys do this to me: they are nice thinking maybe they can score - then they learn I'm only into relationship sex - and they bounce. But girls usually are not after fast sex so what's up?

 

 

 

Idk, I think my self esteem is just fine... and I know enough ppl with low self esteem who are in relationships...

 

And I have the same fear: everyone in my age range is pairing up... Can you believe I have no plans for New Years Eve just bc all my friends are going to a couple's balls or events... I had the same problem in summer when everyone was going away with their honeys and I had noone to go with. Even better 3 good friends of mine went to Hawaii together with their boyfriends and I couldn't go cause how would I fit in with 3 couples?

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To put another spin on the topic, relationships aren't always just about you. It doesn't matter if some girls get relationships when they have low self-esteem, or when they throw themselves at men, or when they have sex on the first date. You need to do what works to get a relationship.

 

And you seem to be getting advice from men, from women in relationships, from people who can help thelling you that you need to work on your independence. It's up to you to choose to work on that or not. But clearly your way isn't working, right?

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I think its normal to feel lonely at times whether you are in an intimate relationship or not. Some people are more emotionally hardy than others. Some feel their feelings more intensely than others. So I think its a stretch to say that someone is codependent, etc, just because they are feeling lonely and want an intimate relationship.

 

On a pragmatic level, though, we all have to learn to manage our feelings when we're adults. Even if they are very intense feelings, we need to learn ways to cope with them and not let them completely overtake us.

 

So, its OK to feel lonely and want a relationship. It doesn't mean there is anything inherently wrong with you. If you are not successful at finding a relationship, you should try to examine what factors are holding you back, and then change those. There are many, many different reasons that a person is not able to get into an intimate relationship. You need to identify which ones are true for you, and then once you know them, you can go about trying to change those.

 

Also, fill your life with activities and friends that you enjoy. Try to build as fulfilling a life as possible even if you do not have a partner. That way, when you do meet one, you will be even more attractive.

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And you seem to be getting advice from men, from women in relationships, from people who can help thelling you that you need to work on your independence. It's up to you to choose to work on that or not. But clearly your way isn't working, right?

 

Exacly it's not working! But I'm very independent, some friends say I'm too independent... must be something else

 

There are many, many different reasons that a person is not able to get into an intimate relationship. You need to identify which ones are true for you, and then once you know them, you can go about trying to change those.

 

Can you list some of the reasons? I was trying to find possible reasons for being constatntly single and can't think of any...

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Exacly it's not working! But I'm very independent, some friends say I'm too independent... must be something else

 

Can you list some of the reasons? I was trying to find possible reasons for being constatntly single and can't think of any...

 

If I were you, I would talk to both girl and guy friends about why they think you cannot get into an intimate relationship.

 

One other e-not-user did this and his friends were happy to tell him that he's really awkward and unfriendly towards strangers. He had no idea. Perhaps they can help you see things in you that you don't.

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Can you list some of the reasons? I was trying to find possible reasons for being constatntly single and can't think of any...

 

Here are a few:

 

- the person is not in any situations where they actually meet viable partners. For example, the person is 22 years old and works full-time with much older adults and then stays at home most evenings. This person has very few times in a day, week, or month that he/she is meeting peers in a social setting.

 

- the person is in situations/settings where he/she could meet partners (for example, the person attends a university and is on campus 5 days per week), but this person is shy and gives off non-verbal signals that indicate he/she is not receptive to talking to others. So even though he/she is surrounded by potential partners, he/she never gets to the point of actually having conversations with them

 

- the person is able to have conversations with potential partners, but these conversations never lead to further involvement, such as asking for a date or being asked for a date

 

- the person may go on a date but never gets asked for a second date

 

- the person goes on a few dates with someone, but it never progresses beyond that

 

- the person dates someone for a few months, but it never progresses past that

 

Basically, these are examples of places where a person gets "stuck" and it causes them to not get into fulfilling intimate relationships. You need to look at your own life objectively and see where you keep getting stuck at. As you can see in my list above, which is not exhaustive, there would be very different reasons why a person cannot get a second date versus why a person never even has a conversation with a potential partner.

 

A really good book to read about this is called link removed. He outlines a lot of what I wrote above and really can help you see how to get past what is holding you back. He is Christian, I believe, so there is a bit of a Christian slant to some of the book. I am not Christian, and found I was still able to learn a lot from his ideas.

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Thanx, these are some great advices!

 

If I were you, I would talk to both girl and guy friends about why they think you cannot get into an intimate relationship.

 

One other e-not-user did this and his friends were happy to tell him that he's really awkward and unfriendly towards strangers. He had no idea. Perhaps they can help you see things in you that you don't.

 

I usually talk to my friends about all my love failures and it's usually them asking me why why why? but I'll try to make them analyze me next time, they have to come up with some sort of ideas

 

Here are a few:

 

- the person is not in any situations where they actually meet viable partners. For example, the person is 22 years old and works full-time with much older adults and then stays at home most evenings. This person has very few times in a day, week, or month that he/she is meeting peers in a social setting.

 

- the person is in situations/settings where he/she could meet partners (for example, the person attends a university and is on campus 5 days per week), but this person is shy and gives off non-verbal signals that indicate he/she is not receptive to talking to others. So even though he/she is surrounded by potential partners, he/she never gets to the point of actually having conversations with them

 

- the person is able to have conversations with potential partners, but these conversations never lead to further involvement, such as asking for a date or being asked for a date

 

- the person may go on a date but never gets asked for a second date

 

- the person goes on a few dates with someone, but it never progresses beyond that

 

- the person dates someone for a few months, but it never progresses past that

 

Basically, these are examples of places where a person gets "stuck" and it causes them to not get into fulfilling intimate relationships. You need to look at your own life objectively and see where you keep getting stuck at. As you can see in my list above, which is not exhaustive, there would be very different reasons why a person cannot get a second date versus why a person never even has a conversation with a potential partner.

 

A really good book to read about this is called link removed. He outlines a lot of what I wrote above and really can help you see how to get past what is holding you back. He is Christian, I believe, so there is a bit of a Christian slant to some of the book. I am not Christian, and found I was still able to learn a lot from his ideas.

 

I must say a couple of these might be true in my case - like that I look unapproachable bc just when I like someone I get shy and shut down, act like I don't care

I'll definitely read the book, thanx!!!

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  • 1 month later...

I think that its easy to Say the thimgs that are supposed to be true, but its very rare that these things are true. We want to appear to have it together when in reality everyone is desperate in some degree on other. I know I am and I hate it. I hate not having control over that one thing

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