my bumpy journey-help me

Hello. I'm here to get help on getter better with dealing with some thoughts, emotions, and bahaviors of mine concerning this one relationship i have with this one man. i just might be crossing over the line to being really sick from it..or i have already crossed it and now i'm not healing properly......please help me.

I am back here after crying about my ex...again. [the same guy i have posted about in the past..] We have not been together for years now. I slept with him after i said i wouldn't..it felt so right and just so natural..and we spent more time together again and got close physically the next day. so many thoughts run through my head i cannot determine any more what is going on with me...

i opened my mouth to discuss i dont even know exactly what anymore..i just end up crying as he tells me he has his own life and I have my own and when i accept that...i dont remember exactly the rest...i believe the message he was telling me is to keep in mind before i say anything else that we aren't together....i went from smiles to a tearful breakdown in such a few seconds.

I was taken back and then to make it worse i went into a soapbox not even saying coherent sentences or things that made any sense put together. I was talking in a choppy way saying parts of thoughts here and there not really finishing any of them, stopping myself and then jumping to saying something else...and then taking things back and saying something else--

then i get myself to calm down and we're quiet he's not saying anything--he did say some comments in reaction to some things i said but i wasn't really listening to him--i just jumped right away to saying something in reaction to the few words i let him get out--i snapped into such a real weird episode...

now he won't talk to me. i really don't know what i want to talk about with him now with so much thoughts just zipping through my mind i can't even buckle any down to make sense of it.

what seems to be important to me right now from what i understand is what he now thinks of me.....i am being brutally honest and i think what im craving the most is to speak with him and make him understand me so he can see that the person inside is really not a horrible terrible person portrayed by my actions--something like that....

i'm almost like a child who craves for a parent to not scold me after doing something bad--because for some reason or another i can't take it....its like a cry to not punish me for being who i am--

Writing this--i'm feeling that i struggle more than i let on with accepting who i am...if i can't accept me how can any one else? how can i live like this?

When those closest to me get mad at me i get a little off--i just have this feeling of urgency inside of me to correct it and let them know its not like that..that i'm really not like that...i sort of panic. "correct it before it comes out that you are not perfect......"

After some time of depression, slowly emerges new life from my old one.

Hi mind..its nice getting to you these days. I see you like to wander much and get very excited about the bountless amount of senses all around you...Thank you god, jehovah, lord, higher powers, whoever i have to thank for your creations and for the power within me or that power that is just all around us..it can be quite incredible and can be quite be nothing at all....i will live it and just be.

Today it snowed in Houston, TX...insane in the membrane.

I still cannot help but wonder what it is he truly wants from me. you say u were not ignorin g me but i think u were..u answered when u sensed u would be getting laid by me...i don't mean to accuse but i just wantt o be honest...it was nice i can just spend time with u and how u noticed i was...but ....

i'm going to leave soon and i don't know for for some months and we won't see each other again....

i will miss you when i am gone...and scared you will be finding

i am wanting to

what am i doing? u don't even want to be with me...

i wont judge u if u do things differently from me...

but

i wonder is my mind just doing this...

i keep fighting my feelings for you but i cannot do this any longer...i cannot continue denying my feelings...

i have feelings of wanting to for u

do i just

i can't stop thinking abot u

what is this pain i feel coming from?

Do i sometimes simply reason too much rather than let me be in the moment? Oh gosh here i go again being vague not really even know what i'm talking about. i gotta go clean up the kitchen.

its been a year and a half since it happened--ever since then my mind has not been the same--it wasn't just the act itself but also the times soon after that really messed with me--

the behaviors: soon after, on the final month of the semester, i remember mostly just hiding out in my room, forcing myself to sleep for most of the day since all my thoughts when awake were dreary and miserable. if i couldn't sleep i smoked pot to escape and lessen the intensity of it all. i lost a lot of weight. i claim to be indepedent, so independent to a flaw, so independent to feel my pains and somehow see my self through--alone. but maybe i jus didn't feel close to those around me--they wouldn't have understood, i didn't understand what was happening. and maybe i had too much shame--shame for what happened and get this....shame for my pains i felt--y do i have to front that i'm so tough?

met up with SO and talked with him right after the incident--i did what i could--told him just the truth from my side--told him the basic things--maybe he was waiting for me to say more to convince more? idk but ultimately--on my bday night--i met with him to talk again and what i got from it was he didn't want me in his life anymore--that he rather cut me and his friend off--i couldn't believe it yet was accepting it just like that--i was tired--tired explaining myself--he didn't get it did he--he just talked about him--i understand he got wronged by two close people in his life--he was also a victim--and i felt silly just saying over n over that i don't remember it at all--that i didn't want it--i let him go on his soapbox to me--

i did what i do best and was being "understanding"...i cared about him and gave him what he wanted. that i would leave him alone..i didn't know what to do anymore.

so i went with my days pretending everything was okay. that time would heal all--and just let go.

i longed for the summer when i would go back home to my family--i never told them.

that summer was weird--i was doing new things--like organizing things around me like i never use to..little things--i would arrange the little things on my desk so they were all neat and straight--and i liked it cuz i was being neat. somehow i made thru that summer--i had summer classes to keep me busy--and my sister there to drop me off to my classes. i felt okay then.

soon the fall semester started----i was motivated for school...i could keep busy with classes and working part time--i thought i was fine--but what a mere lonely liveless experience it really was.......just goin to school--work--home--drink here and there (routine picked up from last years)--not reaching out to other human beings---not loving--not socializing--not living--i was the calmest i ever been in my life--expressless

then as the semester progressed, the stress increased--i credit my history of being a diligent student in my younger days to how i managed as far into the semester as i did--i had the skills--but skipped often--didn't interact as much--was more shy than ever in class--more nervous and anxious than ever in class--i was turning things in late--in the end of that semester--i did not turn in some last assignments--whenever it got rough emotionally i self medicated with alcohol or weed (alone)--i chopped my hair.

i anticipated failed some classes (i was only taking THREE classes at a big university) and again the world just stopped-- i went to a xmas party with the family and i was not present in the moment at times--then i found out my final grades. i passed--i still believe it was a miracle that THAT semester my profs would GIVE me the grade they gave me--

by this time i had already contacted my SO on his bday.

we were talking again.

then next semester happened. i only had a few classes yet they required more participation and my nervousness and anxiousness and self consciousness (paranoia) increased as my self worth and esteem decreased. i continued living that lonely life in that miserable apartment.

i skipped most of my classes--this time i ran out of luck. i failed my classes.

i cried home to my SO. who tried to make me feel better the only way he knew how--sex and weed.

told parents finally i failed my classes--they took it not that hard--i think by this time they knew though that i've been different...

summer was kinda rough, emotionally....

SO cuts me off again from his life through text message midsummer after he gets offended by something i say--i am extrememly pissed the fck off and let it be--not contact him..until...3 or so months later...

im at the bus station and i need to get picked up cuz i cant handle calling my parents to do it--i am crying on the pay phone...i stay at his place for 3 days--oh we end getting physical (its how he likes to make me feel 'bettter') until i snooped on his fone and found a text message i did not want to see--he finally tells me i need to go home and tell my 'rents i'm failing again on my classes and need to stop for the semester--that i'll be withdrawing...

had been staying at home after and sleeping the days away...eventually my moods gotten better and more able to face the days...but theres still something really wrong.

what do i expect to happen now that i am back at this mood? that i can get up--ive been managing my interactions wit people yet now what?

idea: tell him once and for all what i really feel (make it a short and sweet version). i need to let it all out this things inside of me that are wanting to come out....but first i need to work on filtering it so it can be understandable by others, not just me in my head the only one able to make sense of it.

and then tell him i am willing to continue our relationship being fwb as long as we are exclusive and when we do hang out i promise not to make it an oppurtunity to spill everything i have been keeping inside of me--but instead just enjoy his company, enjoy myself, and be in the moment in the present (not in my mind and the past or the future)--and tell him to plan on working to keep it positive--a kind of relationship were we are there to encourage and help each other--and give constructive criticism here and there to each other.

remember, he might completely reject the idea and he might decide for himself again that it would be best i take my leave--that to live our lives separately.

excited. my head start on what to tell him....wow i had so many thoughts last night, yesterday, today, the other morning of all this things i HAD to say to him, now where are they?? i am coming up with blank.

ok try again.

breathe.

my pains of how i did do him wrong then i feel bad and that i love him so realizing it after how bad i felt that it happened how all i can think about is his care now how some where i truly realized just ho wmuch i loved this guy and do how it has somehow grown even in space and in time it has grown how sorry i am that it happened to him how sorry i am that i dont open up yet run to him to spill all my pains out of nowhere and then act all cool the following days sorry how i must be confusing sorry for not being myself when around you sorry for saying one thing and doing another for being a hypocrite now and in the past sorry turning it around on you orry i shy away so often sorry i just stare n stay in my mind instead of being myself sorry for throwing myself to you

ive been thinking and thinking a lot of u but more about how YOU affect ME--so really those thoughts are about me not you---

that i use ecuses...that i am unthoughtful sometimes.

oh man that is some of what actually came out. WOW.

oh man i am tired now. dear lord please help me straighten out myself.

dear lord help me to start worrying less.............

sigh...

this is what i did instead of doing what i said above. note i completely forgot about even doing it......

i sent him a text message along the lines of.."ive been driving myself mad going back n forth...ive never been this happy in life before we got together...something about being passionate about each other or something..that i wanted him to come get me......"

and then i kept going with a "PS" (!!!!!)

"PS i know what i am doing now..something something..."

Needless to say he never came to pick me up.

how do i feel now? nothing. ive cried several times. just tears streaming down. bout this bout other things. so many thoughts just keep running through my mind about us triggered by anything that i see or hear--peoples comments, movies, quotes, images...i apply it us and almost always come to an sort of epiphany...sort of like this "ohhhh i see. whatever the thought was that must be why it was like this...i see now...then if i can just let him know this and whatever the idea i have that i could change about myself because of this "epiphany" things will be okay again...."

i'll be on my own mind somethines just thinking while cutting up vegetables and my grandma would be talking to me--and i just get irritated suddenly as i hear her outside of my mind and i am bothered by what she is telling me...--we're already interacting before i get into this episode...sometimes i just want to yell at her "stoppp i'm thinking right now. your ruuining my thoughts"

but i did snap out of it..it wasn't even important what i was thinkin about.

i wonder now if it is normal i brush her off that way? or my desire to but would catch myself and say it aint right...she's just asking a question..yeah she might get a little annoying asking me * * * * i don't know about like is this enough macaroni you think (idk ive never cooked what you are cooking, your guess is as good as mine) should i wash this? should i take this off here so we can have more space? should i do this do that....DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

you are not a child you are a woman who has lived for 65 years or so already and know what you are doing. why are you asking me these things? do u do it cuz i use to do it to you? would u do that?????

i've decided to record my moods throughout the day on a daily basis.

TODAY:

woke up to yelling mother at 7 in the morning. so i was angry. threw a lil fit yelling a lil and snapping at my grandma.

got really excited and felt really happy in the car as i saw the morning sky, bright blue with glowing clouds...

came home wrote on paper journal since my mind was clouded.

in control as i was talking with my dad about how to make chop suey--usually we can get frustrated with each other when talking bcuz ill come off as having attitude and he comes off as just real negative sometimes and we have a little bit of language barrier between us....but i was being extremely mindful and conscious and aware of my reactions and looked out for what i was saying and acting....

was real tired after the market and slept for about 3 hours.

cooked after that and was in a good mood getting ready to cook--somewhere at this time did the incident occurred with grandma (we also have a language barrier, we are not fluent in the other persons main language)--then got really anxious as i started to actually cook the dish so i changed the hip hop classics music playing on the cable to Soundscapes--was frantic trying to cook in time and getting ready for the party.

i had my real happy episodes during the party--particularly playing with my little niece--he kept getting so happy as i juggled two reflective shiny silver ball ornaments in front of him and it set me off into such a laughing extremely happy moment i've never felt before....or in a really really long time--i can't recall ever feeling that before...

came home. okay mood.

now i'm off to sleep which i look forward too because i love those moment right when you are about to fall asleep--i can feel myself falling freely into the darkness feeling so free and just one with everything as sleep takes me over. i love sleep. and food.

woke up around 130 pm. did not slpee until 6 am. was in a genral okay mood. i was so glad to be together with my sisters again and that finally as i had always wanted to do in the past, to help each other do some cleaning in the house together. i got into a fight with my older sister home for the holidays about something small. we had a small disagreement but i was getting angry because i got offended that she would talk about why we put away items she puts in display or how she wa just defending herself i dont know iven know anymore this sounds so silly.

i was happy with myself that i didn't fret so much aftewards--that i wa able to just let it go because its not important. i wasn't going to let me stop what i wa doing==finally we had a clean home.

i hung out with an old friend i havent seen about a in morethan a year. i was glad to see her. as i hung out with her in her family friends house, i was able to be in the momen...

later that night as we conversated over a pool game..i'mnot sure what to make of that converstaion.

did we understand each other? i toldshe told me to see a counselor about what happened last year. and i just listened as she talked about her current situation and tried notto be so quick to butt in with my opninions...my mind surely was running as she talked...like how i just couldn't understand how she stayed in an emotinally "abusive" unhalthy relationship and now trying to get out of it...but maybe i wonder now that it wasn't my job to understand all of it in tthat moment..but rahter should have just listened...

and maybe process it later? this girl aintn got iit right and perfect eithe with her personal decisons coming to relationships...

but shes good creatively. i guess so.

i do feel bad how i made her drive me home...it was a long drive15-20 mind ride at 1 am and she had to drive back.

it w dont drive so i guess i didn't understand so well...i learned my lesson GO HOME BEFORE ITS TOO LATE! esp if they are the ones who haev to drop you off!!!! you dumy.

we were okay eating and laughing. i was jus so glad i was fine being able to be myself and not being awkward...it feels good to just be real and not worry about what impression you are making on people at moments...

they have nice things...i wonder what kind of things i will have in my house in the future...i want nice things too but for a while now i hav been questioning so much about our consuming aways as a society and their impact on the larget world...our future..etc. i want to work trying to find ways to lessen our wastes and recycle...why get new things when when...we dont truly need them.

sometimes its true what we hav may represent our worths?? but then its not the most important when there is others who do not have * * * * at all. anyways..thats another topic.

later that night i say SO. he cried in my arms. i wonder what hurts him so and pray he makes it through. i wish there was something i could do mkae him feel better andi hope next time to try not to be so quick to state my opinions when i dont even really know what im tlakin about. he has his own awareness...maybe we just dont see eye to eye and maybe thats okay.

i do wonder how healthy it is...and if the only answer for me is to let him go.

is it cruel to just cut sone off completely in your life? because you worry they are not doing good for you? he's not beating me he's not putting me down he doesn't hurt me, intntianlly that is...but still how do i know we are going about this the right way?

what can i tell him?

DAY 3

woke up real late 5 pm!!!!! wow!!!! was hungry as hell. ate washed. cant stop thinkin about what was the meaning of last night with my friend and SO. how down he was like that...how i was messed up makin my friend drop me off so late instead of sleeping over mostly cuz i wanted to go home so i could call SO to come over. esp how we were just talkin about unhealthy relationships....and how "sorry" i was she went thru that and here i am with my own actions. we just agreed that there was a difference between knowing something and learning about...knowing something yet still doing it...until just one day we just have enough of it? does it always have to be until one day one even one whatever that we do know will just happen to make us change our bad ways? our bad habits?

i wonder what does people who have it "together" make of this. i wonder how wise people would say about this. i wonder how else deal with their bad habits with their unhealthy ways---do we just deal with the ones we deem most important--

we have such larget unhealthier ways yet i notice in some people some of the even smaller unhealthy ways--like not eating right not exercising not living an active lifestyle...if we can't handle those than how can we handle larger life issues?

-now at this moment i am feeling really heavy. im cramping physically but this is a nice distraction from it. i am feeling really heavy with some of what is wrong with me and others...

i wonder how come at times i'm real nice and helpful and at times i just am cruel in my eyes.

case example.

right now my grandma is boxing some things up she will send off soon and my sister who thought i was leaving to go watch a movie which i decided not to because i think journaling right now is more important has decided that she will go then instead since i'll be staying home with my grandma who she doesn't want to be alone. now i think i'm cruel because i am feeling like wanting to help my grandma...tho she didn't ask me i feel i still should but i'm not...or will i after i leave this.

jus earlier--i am not sure why but my older sister can really set me off into such an agitated mood--is it her or is it me? idk. we are older now and this should have been outgrown already. like just earlier as im here on the computer she tells me "i'm goin then to the movies because you can stay here with my grandma"

i dont know what i am suppose to feel after that comment..like dude go then why do u have to add the fact oh you are staying here with grandma--you are just going to the movies--grandma is a grown woman--its not like you are leaving me with a baby to go have some fun.

idk why but somtimes i can get in a bad mood around my "sisters"

oh man i feel like i am being so sellfish--they are all doing the school thing and i know that aint an easy feat and im here at home just feeling like * * * * not doing * * * * unlike them. but i gotta keep in mind tho that right now im planting seeds and sooner or later i will grow too...and grow healthy. and not wilting and dying...

how do those that are not healthy deal??

HOW??? IF I ONLY SEE THAT I CAN DEAL ONCE I AM SO CALLED "HEALTHY" THAN HOW WHAT IS THE STRENGTH IN THOSE THAT ARE CAPABLE AND ABLE TO LIVE UNHEALTHILY????? MEANING THOSE THAT ARE SUFFERING THROUGH LIFES HARD TIMES. THOSE THAT ARE SICK, THOSE THAT ARE POOR, THOSE WHO TAKE CARE OF WHO IS SICK OR POOR...HOW??? HOW EXACTLY??? HOW CAN PEOPLE LIVE--

I CANNOT BE CONTENT TO GET A REGULAR JOB AND DO IT EVERYDAY AND JUST FILL MY OTHER EXTRA TIMES WITH JUST THINGS "TO DO"

MAYBE I JUST IMAGINE I WOULD NOT LIKE WHO I WOULD BE SPENDING MY TIME WITH.

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO GET MY JOB AND * * * * IT IF I DONT DO THE EXACT SAME THING OTHERS ARE DOING. AND JUST DO ME. WHAT AM I MISSING.

I woke up this day extremely late (530pmish) after sleeping real late at 730am. I guess i was okay--my sisters and grandma was around. i feel good when i am around them--i get to be myself and feel real comfortable.

SO was on my mind again--after our conversation after seeing him so vulnerable i don't know what to think--i'm not sure what to make of it.

i'm glad he feels comfortable with me but...i guess i'm getting worried about what he will actually do about it...if he will. i just kept trying to think of what i can tell him to point him in a right direction. i want to be able to say something helpful when he comes to me like that. if i was living my life right maybe i coulda said something that better than what i did say. i'm really putting all these efforts--keep thinking about it--and then i get a call from him--he wants me to come over.

i do. we end up getting intimate its so nice just getting physical and touchy with another human being that way--i think its beautiful--and i enjoyed makin him feel good. he was being kind--we played games, ate, had a strange conversation--i'm not sure if we truly understood each other--we talked about people--he's set that the world is run on money, power, and greed. and i don't think he was getting my point that yes we have that in us but i don't think that is the ideal--meaning that it shouldn't be that way--i guess he couldn't see it being any other way--he dismissed my "happy" peaceful world i imagine we could be if that was what we concentrated on putting our efforts in instead of all the greed. he claims i can't really talk not knowing how it is that you have to do some shady things just to survive--i'll admit it aint easy--and maybe thats why we get frustrated on our own lives because we fight that inside of us. but we have to have this fight to reach our potential or something--but i look at my parents, elders--how do they measure how their life's have been--are they reaching their "potential?" what is their beliefs?

anyways--idk but i kinda don't like my SO sometimes--like is it cuz he's raining on my parade right now? but i don't even have it truly figured out. but he does respect me is kind to me and all..but i can imagine that he will disappoint--somehow--maybe because its inevitable with this line of thinking? but will he ever change his mind of thinking? last night he just admitted he has a lot of negative thinking--what was he talkin about when he said he's mentally beat??? it doesn't make him very attractive--yet he's able to tell me this? to admit it to me? and he said it helps when he talks about it--i just i guess i wish we had more elders in our lives to speak this things to instead--people we could talk to and will help--because talking about it does help but this is serious stuff--i should just recommend a counselor--well we don't so what are we goin to do about it? i need to stop fantasy-sing about an ideal world--"only if" situations and deal with it as is--figure it out from what i got--

he wants me to be his ear--someone he can express to and get physical with--and be able to do what he wants to do--freedom...is this what i want? i'll admit i am happy when with him. but why did it still get soooooo awkward when we said goodbye??? things were premature for both of us has that fact ruined the relationship? is it better i just get better, learn from this, and move on? from him from this?

am i asking the right questions?

i came home and that was more awkward--my whole family was together and i couldn't be myself..i guess its hard that i can't quite be open with them. is it unfair to them?

many thoughts running through my mind again--i want to clean up for my 'rents right now--i should be able to leave what is on my mind for now until later--my conclusion is i have to do what is right for me ultimately. i shoulda came home earlier as i wanted to and maybe not have gotten the baggie and came home as i did--it woulda been alright if everyone was doing their own thing when i came home but they weren't. and so what i'm doing ultimately wasn't right coming from what i felt that night--i always stated i didn't like it when they the girls looked at me like a "bad" seed. i could easily get down right now which i am fighting right now to feel bad for myself but i'll brush it off for now and do what i said i was going to do and see how i feel and things turn out after--i am feeling bad right now.

but i'll distract myself. for now. break down and cry later. is this normal i wonder.

edit:

how can one be so happy with another who seem to disagree about some basic philosophy in life? all i know is he wouldn't do me wrong--i do trust him to stay faithful--no no i don't. he broke up with me for a reason...being faithful isn't just about sustaining from being physical with another but also being faithful about the relationship--that it will last. him breaking up with me i can't help but feel he will just do again in the future--i have to let him know all this--that i can't put my heart into it because of these things like our differences and fear he will just dump me when he realizes again i'm not what he likes--and if this isn't going anywhere we have to separate for good--what we're doing is disrespectful to our past relationship..somethin like that....

Woke up bit early and toked--i ended up soaring and just being--forgetting the worldly things i hav to do like cleaning up my 'rents room and instead i captured images on the camera and sweeping leaves in the backyard--i can't explain the wonderful feeling i have when i was outside--watching the wind stir the trees, feeling my breeze against my skin...and when i was back inside the house (my sister kept talking and talking to me at this time) i was pulled to the kitchen after hearing loud banging--it was a bird slamming itself agains't the window. a brown bird with red beaks. stupid me wanted to capture it with the camera so i ran up and the instance i came back down it flew away...i felt real stupid i had a feeling it would go away....

it came back in the laundry window--i happen to be standing where i can view it directly on my path--i went to it and just stared at it...i felt some connection (hehe i did just watch Avatar)--feeling connected with nature.

but it was there.

napped. woke up cleaned up a little and prepared for sisters dinner bday party.

i was a little high--but it was real strange--there it was again that self-consciousness when around a group of people--strange enough it was strongest agains't the male visitors--like i felt like a woman at times, i feeling ashamed again--ashamed for my sexuality??? is that it--its as much as in everyone else but why do i have to hide it?? categorizing people and looking them as their roles--uncle (adults), aunts, helps me sorts...

it went away after a while as i relaxed and focused on what i was doing at the moment--it helps to keep busy at those situations...

but what about socializing? i need to get back on that..being able to talk to people and bring something out? why?

i realized that night that things just go--things are results from the past--growth of past seeds planted. something like that..and once that moment is there you can't do anything about it but go through it and work on somethin else the next day and so on and so on and so on..

yesterday i did go through feeling personally large after taking some what i think are great shots--for me. i felt a little bit on top of the world and proud of myself--for them...but they are not about me--its what nature lord has given me...and i thank you. what more can i say--oh man i'll admit i was feeling like the * * * * ...it felt good i am better.. i do have some skills..things from the past are all now a part of me..

slept real late last night. i toked before bed and felt like i was going to explose overnight from eating too much!

woke up today to a little massage. thx L. that definitely got me wakin up in a great mood. i even completed it with a nice shower. lets see what today i mean evening has for us--its 530pm now.

These days i make to be different from any other, it was Xmas time..we didn't place any decorations this year and was laid back as every other year but i made myself to be more present, unlike the past years where i think i would just do things to make me not bored and still sorta feel like i miss out..or something. times are just a changing maybe and i'm just feeling the losses of people around me yet see new faces through marriages joining us here...oh and little babies are being born and growing fast too now...this stage of my life is weird...it makes me think of my relationship with SO.

Day 6

Xmas eve. we spent it up north. again why do i feel strange around men sometimes? maybe i'm just being really awkward with my body being a little too self conscious being too aware and begin thinking of them reacting to my body..for some reason this goes through my head--quickly tho as i just shake it off and manage to say a friendly hello and greetings--hugs.

When it comes to some females i get real awkward too, reasons for this one being that i feel i'm not being "woman" enough--i don't do my nails, make-up, hair, clothes i don't rock these like i use to anymore. i feel bad for some reason next to someone real fixed up fine...its like a club--i'm not sure i want to join still though....

i was in an okay mood--honestly i was just quiet minding my own business..not really in a talkative mood to be honest. some of these people feel like strangers to me--some i haven't seen in a really long time.

maybe next time i should just take the time to talk to some of the ladies if anything more--put in more effort to get to know what they're up to, etc...become more friendly. am i wanting to make friends here? i'm not very good at maintaining friendships--i feel it would just be like a lot of sucking up...there i go thinking negative again. just open up is what i want to do.

got home pretty late with our other lola and put on some jammies with my sisters my mother bought--u can say they were our presents. she took our pictures--for some reason i wasn't feeling as jolly as them. its such a real weird experience for me when i catch up myself realizing i am interacting in this tight group--i guess i can sort of stand outside myself and can get out of touch with the group and lose interaction. i'm just thinking in my head what are we doing what am i doing and forget to be in the moment again...jus spend more time with the sisters a little longer into the night and tried all sleeping together..tried to sleep but for atleast 2 hours i jus could not knock out completely. i would lay there somewhat asleep but not fully. so i jus got up and did stuff until 9 am. yupp. toked some and fixed up a little sisters room. snapped some shots at the early sunrise sky. gathered prismacolors together and practiced using the colored pencils trying to imitate a colorful sunrise sky...blue, purple, and orange. then ate some food. i felt a little grand thinking i could draw something for the family for xmas gift in a day! needless to say i didn't manage.

fell asleep at 9 am.

DAY 7- xmas day.

woke up 5ish? late! everyone was home spent some time more with sis and father jus really doin nothin. jus hanging around the house. lolas were mostly together. went walking with them for a little bit outside 530ish pm. i remember feeling like i didn't want to--why do i counteract people's invitations? to go with them to talk to them etc..just to interact with them..i guess i get a little suspicious for some reason..of their real intentions. im gettin afraid of being a fool? but these people love me..only want good things for me--but i guess its cuz they don't really understand or know that they might unintentionally say things that'll rub me off the wrong way? whats wrong with me? i made myself go with them. no big deal.

called SO later that night greeting him a merry xmas--he said he thought of texting me but didn't cuz he didn't know if i would get it or not (i dont have a fone and have told him before not to text the cell phones i use cuz i dont get em since my sis locks it)..he did text everyone else his friends though he said. what an excuse? this are what i always meant i don't like sometimes but can see that i can come out as complaining over something small when i would bring it up--he didn't go all the way. didn't try to call the house...makes me wonder how come and makes me question him if he can do enough things all the way. he still puts me off...but then...day 9.

and i hate confronting..people. like whats the point? i think soo much in our situations. wayyy too damn much. i need to stop.

we tried seeing each other later that night but it was too late. he said he'd call me the next day to come over and watch a movie with him. played poker with sisters and father that night (well into past midnight). i could not sleep again later that night. i think i ended up eating and watching TV (law n order). i slept finally around 8 am in parents bed.

DAY 8

forced myself to get up around after 11 am because aunt and nephew came to visit. she was goin to take us shopping with her. i didn't want to be rude. i got ready. lookin kinda nappy cuz i didn't wash my bed hair. picked out a dress for me-with a nice silhouette. i'll admit its a little uncomfortably tight--and a bit fitting bringing out my womanly curves and fatty curves! lol oh man i kinda like it but think it looks nasty--nasty cuz i'm squeezing my fatty body into it i coulda picked a looser fitting dress to not exaggerate my body. anyways the shopping was okay nice of people to exchange gifts--

SO called back younger sisters cell trying to reach me after calling the house couples times earlier--okay so he can do that but not for a xmas greeting? guess he didn't want to make me special from all the rest of his 'friends' negative thinking again! but i jus use this as logic behind what i think--he just isn't into me. whatever. i can't deny i have feelings for him--i could jus feel it when i am with him. yet i am not ready yet to really do anything about them too.....

i get home eat real quick got ready real quick for him to pick me up. we hang out watch the movie ate xmas treats from their neighbors. opened my present from him--aww man i didn't even get people any presents LAMEEEEE! he put the fire on. we toked several times. he showed me the cats in the backyard and the story of the cats. hehe. i felt real warm and comfortable around him...safe. nice. but somewhat awkward. for one he's thinking "oh i'm getting some" so am i somewhat i'll admit..and its like we're jus waitin for the other to make a move--ahhh. i go up to him to thank him for the gift and its pretty much over the minute i come to touch him...needless to say we got intimate again. i'll admit i couldn't truly be myself--i'll freak. i'll catch myself. i thought i would get emotional but i didn't.

we watched a little after and played dominoes after. his parents came home finally and i got to greet them happy holidays. wow i wonder what they think of me, chick (ex-girlfriend) stayin with their son alone so late in the night...like what am i doing. i dont know.

just trying to be me..just trying being..

get home sister curious aunty left. everyone watching tele again--Korea saga drama comedy movies.

DAY 9

Woke up real late again--toked. later that night everyone watchin movies again--i try. clean up here and there. toke. toke. wander. thinking and thinkin a lot of SO--but catching myself and shaking myself off it.

DAY 10

Woke up late after sleeping late--again. must have been close to 5pm. grandma making fun of me--can't get enough of sleep. danced a little in robe. toked. ate slowly. making sure i'm drinking enough. tried sleeping earlier at midnight--managed for couple hours. woken up by everyone else being awake still. got up around 245ish. saw dad get up in other room from sleeping on the couch there. he goes down i go down he tries to tell me to massage him but i ignore him (rude i know) and just concentrate on eating something. then i get on here and now its 5 am. damn time goes doesn't it. now im gonna go toke. i'm feeling okay lately mainly because i'm ignoring everything again and shutting off--it does wonders to my anxieties and worries. i keep having this feeling of "dread" somewhere inside me--of something horrible going to happen..i guessing its the fact i'm going to be off on my own again? and have to fend for myself and find people i want to surround myself with when i would get lonely up there. i wish it was just done for me. i'm not sure exactly what this dread is--i'll make it an assignment to figure it out soon. real soon so i can do start thinking about what i can do about it....

**

Lately, i keep loggin into his site without him knowing and reading those exchanges he had with some broad when we weren't talking. i dont even know if they still are through fone anymore..i care but i can't even know what is this * * * * i'm living why put myself thru this? how can i live with myself pretending. i told him about maytag man who hit on me and now wants to chill and talk to me. SO asked about our "date" and i pretty much blew it off didn't even tell him we didn't end up going on our date. maytag has been calling though--i haven't been calling back. i liked him as a distraction from SO. but is it really fair for this dude if it is like that? well i just gotta tell maytag dude what is the deal. and i keep thinking about SO and sometimes i catch myself gettin real caught up--and i'm snapping myself out of it tho-just sayin STOP. its just really confusing and i think sometimes maybe i'm better without the emotional confusion--but DAMN i'll admit i cannot resist the physical aspect--we have some chemistry i've never had with anyone else before. i wonder what he thinks--yea i worry what kind of message i'm giving him doing this.......i'm being somewhat irresponsible.

just letting us both get what we want regardless of consequences--endless thinking of him--endless worrying of what kind of message i'm giving him and if its truly healthy for either of us--i blame it on nature.

Woke up after 2pm i believe. Still late.

I've been in an okay mood. My mother disappeared to go gamble since its that time again to pay for some bills. I cooked dinner tonight.

I was being a complete * * * * * last night. Around 3-4am my mother wanted me to help her cook before she went to work. I refused and just let her and grandma do all the work. I refused because i was bothered--from doing * * * * . Instead i toked. I didn't want to help because i kept thinking its ridiculous to just show up the night before after being out so long and just tell me that i'm goin to help you at 3 in the morning to cook for your coworkers. Yup that was what i thought.

Not proud of it. I'm really hatin on everything right now and i hate that. I don't know what to do anymore. Besides i just need to keep going..now im teary. Its frustrating and hard right now..it seems little things just take so much effort--like interacting with people. Its an effort to want to go out there and see people, talk to people, do things with people, to take a shower, to get up from bed, to go to bed..i'm still crying. WHere is this coming from--i'm frustrated my life has become nothing now??

Woke up around 1pm--this early cuz my father woke me up by being annoying--making loud repetitive annoying noises. Not sure what i did after that but eventually went back to sleep. Woke up and decided i needed to get paper for my smokes. Rolled up a good one and wanted to sit and just meditate. But was interrupted by my neighbor who came to bother--she had her suspicious of my high state and it bugged me out. She called me crazy cuz i was acting funny and it my state i kinda thought it might true there for a second. What if i am crazy? Thats why ive been so funny lately. My little sister even asks why i don't fix myself up anymore. My excuse is that all that time i put into making myself "pretty" actually at times make me feel bad about myself--i really need to learn how to truly love and take care of myself. But what that does actually mean? I just want to be myself regardless of how i really look--but i can't deny i am human and do care about myself.

I wonder if my depressions are over things i cannot help--like the fact that i am only human and so i will have human worldly desires that i cannot really help but have those feelings. What am i talking about i jus keep going back and forth with myself--no wonder why i feel like hell sometimes.

Today i've been really irritable for some reason--i'm gettin pissed off at all this people around me for no real reason. i feel bothered. like i just want to be left alone. i'm givin attitude to people. but i find i can calm myself--by jus letting go and just doing whatever the task is in front of me--take it little by little.

I'm sure part of what bothers me is...my own unproductivity.

Do i go back to school and finish my bachelors--i only have two more classes and a semester field practicuum left to do, one more year. Sounds easy yet my problem lies in my self confidence as a student--it has taken some beatings recently and now i'm unsure of myself...Right when i think about it i feel a deep dread inside of me--of having to face all these bright students again--how will i do compared to them? will i know what i need to do? will it be enough to just complete the work? will i be able to live with myself having all those worries again if i can do the school work or not? can i live again with the worries of doing good enough in school and also maintaining a life outside of school?

was it right to think that i should not worry about anything else but school? i placed a lot of meaning into what i'm learning but got real frustrated i didn't know what was going on--what everyone was talking about. Things did go over my head--maybe once i go back i can use this site to help me succeed in school. Ask questions here when i am afraid to ask someone in real life--fellow students, professors, etc...questions i feel too stupid to ask. i mean i know some are stupid questions--like is it even necessary to ask. i would get hurt if my question gets brushed off--i'd shut off immediately after feeling embarrassed. My old way of coping which use to be numbing doesn't help because i just close off instead of think more my way out of it so i won't feel bad--i accept it was stupid and then accept that i must be stupid--thinking continues then i start to feel bad about mysef for being stupid and i end up having an awful experience....

When instead maybe i could come more a bit prepared for class so this doesn't happen...and if it does laugh it off, shake it off, try again..don't let one question measure who i am as a person.

One thing i've come to realize is there is a confidence i have in loving people. Part of what i'm afraid of this philosophy is giving my love to the wrong people...why do i continue to just contradict myself?

My older sis has gone away back to school, so has neighbor L, and younger sister is back in her routine with school also. My parents continue to go to work and my grandma continues her days here doing what she can find to do--and i'm here still having no solid sense of what i have planned my future--still see it as a black state, gloom.

Is it i'm just completely bored with life? Suburban living in America near a city but with no car or public transportation sucks. I'm stuck to finding something to do in a home surrounded by exactly similar homes--nothing engaging, intriguing, exciting is happening around me. There's only chores, helping others to make it easier on their lives (ie help in cooking breakfast, preparing lunches, preparing and cooking dinner, cleaning up), well seems more like my grandmas job and i help when i feel like it, socializing with neighbors, watching TV, getting on the internet, talking walks in the park....

When i really examine some of my days, there's actually more activitiess than i thought, which is a good thing--so its not really the problem. Theres still just that empty feeling over all these activities i do--being myself is feeling just...blah.

I do just continue to make myself do some things..

Saw SO last night and the night before...we stay intimate--i've really managed to see him as he is--and have managed to stop myself from overthinking--just when i start to think to myself of the future-of how it can be--i'll admit sometimes its negative and i stop myself because it only drives me to more worries--what do i want from this? just the close human connection i have with him....

I need to find a better way to deal with how i overwhelm myself sometimes.

I like sleeping with him...makes me feel peaceful. But i question if i'm for real. I question do i just want it to be that way and so i see that way or if its for real. I have come a long way from when i use to be so much more needy of those small moments of affection from him--and would break when he would leave feeling those are the last times...i couldn't figure out exactly what it is that i needed. i'll admit sometimes i don't take the time to figure things out--to come to a decision..my mind gets real cloudy of what the possibilities of what it is that i do feel. i wonder just how in touch i am with myself--how can anyone be so out of touch with themselves to not be able to just feel one thing--so i may know what to do with myself--maybe i'm just too anxious.

but i'm learning to learn more about it, about myself, and what helps...like just telling myself to let it go, to not worry, to just STOP!, and breathe...

what is it that i want? i want to just do things--do something meaningful. invest on progress. grow. i don't want to rely on fleeting happiness anymore. i want to accept the mundane things of life and have no problems with it anymore. maybe i should just get myself busy and so not have time to worry anymore--but i am afraid i will further separate myself from things that i love. my family. but i'm getting older and need to start building up my own life. right now its as if i'm making up for old times i have missed. i just want to sustain a good relationship with them, but i'll admit i just don't know how...i am selfish and sometimes don't want to share myself with others. and satisfy my need to show my love for people around me through products instead of me...

what am i really talking about? is it enough to just spend time together? here and there....to just be present?

i get so much stimulation--more worries when i am with them--when certain things come up--i get caught up worrying and distressing myself...and find myself not at joy after spending these moments together.

and when with people i just find myself often being able to put up with the experience by thinking of its ending. usually only when its big groups of more than two people--maybe i'm being selfish with their attention.

SO and i talked on the phone the other night--how we both woke up so late from the night before--he ended up stayin till the next mornin because i couldn't sneak him out--he told his mother he fell asleep at my house. i also felt bad he didn't make it to an appointment--i hope he made it up today.

and i promise i thought he asked me if i wanted to watch the alabama v. texas fight with him the next day--i remember being quite happy and saying yess as if i was just waitin for him to ask.

the next day comes and no calls--i called him three times when it was close to game time. he finally answered and said he was watchin the game. i asked him if everything was okay...he asked why i was asking..

as i was realizing i just made a mistake, i got real emotional--i reacted like my feelings got hurt as i realized he never did ask me--my voice was starting to crack as i told him "oh i just thought u asked me to watch the game ...with you" "no i don't think i did.." i'm holding back tears..."oh okay" "hey i'll call u after the game.." by this time i'm really trying to hold my voice and tears together saying "no no its okay"

I hang up and let it out--i start really crying. I let myself cry and then thought i was being silly...i'm overreacting its okay if he didn't ask me to watch the game. no big deal! ( i did imagine i'd be watchin it like how we watched a game together once in the past with his family--they cooked and everything)

that was funny--but i felt it real strong--WOW.

i still have some ways till i can chill--now i don't know what to say to him. i'm embarrassed.

I felt yesterday was a good day--moodwise. I'm not sure what it was but the main difference from the other days was that i was awake during the day and doing things--i was awake since early morning, it was still dark. Morning came and i decided to enjoy the day...to adjust my attitude. If that was it it worked...

Now on the SO...

I acted funny yesterday--i haven't talked to him since the next day after the Alabama v. Texas game. I missed his call after the game, although i was acting funny then too and tellin "no no its okay", like he didn't have to call. I don't know why he did. But i got embarrassed....(Thursday)

Next day i call him. I really don't know why--being embarrassed and all the night before--maybe to be like "u called yesterday..." and go from there...He called back but i had to run to the bathroom. heh. I call back no answer. (Friday)

Next day, Saturday, no hear from him...i don't mind but i can't lie and feel i have to say something about the other day cuz whatever this is...this relationship..our relationship has always been kept together because we've always been honest with each other--i just want things to be transparent to ease my worries.

Then i question myself--there is no "US" what am i talking about---this isn't anything but just two single people having physical fun together with really no strings attached. The previous statement was meant for something that was in the past...things i shoulda been thinking more about when we WERE together.

Right now at the present--from my side is this: I want more. I want to work on having a possible future together...obstacles and all. Its a lot more meaningful to me to have a strong bond with the opposite sex, him..its a good thing for me. I only hope its the same with him. But how can i ask for that when I, personally, don't even have a stable future ahead of me...i possibly will be going out of town again. Is that fair for him? I'm asking for it yet i'm off going away. Am i being sellfish that i just want to know if he would or not to flatter myself?? I'm use to thinking in such negative ways--even about myself...

i'm fighting this--to get out of my own head and live the way God, Lord above, Jehovah, meant for me to live---i'm sure it wasn't to be bashing myself, others around me, and living covering up messes, messes that are not even that bad, messes that others would not even have second thoughts about, messes others would laugh about, messes that really don't mean anything, messes that i simply could say oops i made a mistake and move on from...not busy myself being jealous, enjoy this, MY life, poor and all, hard and all, and to make the best of it..to just continue forward--fearlessly about what the may the future bring--good or bad.

To just try to enjoy this bumpy ride

Maybe along the way do something great. I hope.

Back to SO..

Back to that icky situation--i'll confess i don't know what i'm getting myself into--no matter how good my intentions are in participating i'm quite still aware of the fact that this whole thing isn't as great as i imagine it to be--the problem is i don't know. in due time in the future will i really find out. with more experiences and age i'll probably be able to look back and have a better answer.

GOSH I STILL HAVE AN URGE TO JUST TALK TO HIM! ITS JUST TENSION BUILDING UP. I thought writing here would help me get off it.

i just have to tell him i'm leaving in a week to go to another country and live there for a couple of months. i wonder how he'll take it. i wonder what will happen in that time. i wonder how it'll be when i come back.

I told him i was leaving...all i got was a "its what you wanted right" "i gotta go"

I was crushed part of me feel like i'm hurting him for leaving and that i will miss him terribly while i'm gone...and what seems to be worse for me is not knowing what will happen after i'm gone. It'll be four months.

Then i call him over that night--we got physical. No real talk.

While we were doing it, my mind wasn't at the right place--i was thinking real paranoid thoughts, for one like my family was secretly recording the event and would show it to flks in the country so then they'll prostitute me. And another thought was of an old close friends mother--

???? i jus shook off the thoughts and concentrated on the moment--they went away quickly as they came...i guess it was effect of the toke too.

I know i have some real personal issues that i have to work out first before i can even think of being in a relationship--with anyone...but i know its unrealistic to completely cut off people in my life--i guess i just mean real meaningful fullfilling relationships.

This journey for this ain't easy--to not be so selfish...to be honest everythings just real hard to do lately--for a while now.

Its now Aug. 2011.

My trip was suppose to last four months. Ends up being 18 months.

We sent some "friendly" emails the first 3 months. I just don't email after he doesn't respond after my last email.

Then i get into some real deep trouble...4 months into my trip.

And i get a message from my sister that he's asking about me and to tell me that he loves me..

I never contact him...till after my sister passes the message.

I'm touched so i called...we stay in touch eventually it gets less and less...

I feel like i'm a drag..so i get discouraged from trying to stay in touch with him.

And tell him to call me too when he can, since i've been the one calling.

But we both have a hard time getting in contact...

I could try harder but feel he doesn't so i don't push that extra mile and effort.

Doing this i think:

I am pretty negative..for some reason or another...

And start to really think that we are not meant for each other...there's passion..but we are both so immature and afraid. or somethin

Now i've been back for some time now and have not contacted him.

I don't want to contact anyone really...i just want to start over. The trouble i was in, during that time, has made me now distrustful of old "friends"...who are really the good people in my life? who can i trust...

no one but GOD...this thought poppin in my thought reminds me we are human. that i should let people still in my life...to trust them

BUT HOW DO I DEAL WITH IT WHEN THEY RUIN THAT TRUST...

Is there a difference with truly forgiving and just saying its okay to avoid problems? Forgiving and forgetting? What does forgive suppose to do...and forgetting is like acting like it never happened...?

Is there a difference between the two....

Ive learned to forgive is to not let the pain hurt you anymore...so simple...yet our fears of future pains just make me grip on to the pains and not let go..

at least i'm familiar with this pain...

Yet i must forgive as i seek to be forgiven...its all good.

I JUST HONESTLY DON'T KNOW IF SO IS ANY GOOD FOR ME. AND I THINK I'M NOT ABLE TO MAKE THAT DECISION.

WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER BECAUSE WE ARE BOTH STILL DEPENDENT MOSTLY ON OUR PARENTS.

AND I DON'T WANT TO CREATE ANY MORE PROBLEMS.

GOODNESS, IF ANY YOUNGINS READING THIS DO NOT SLEEP WITH SOMEONE, DO NOT TAKE SUCH A DEEP STEP, UNTIL YOU ARE BOTH MATURE BEING SOCIALLY, FINANCIALLY, EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY READY.

I want to run but my hearts weighed down.

I want to take the plunge but my reasons hold me back.

Its going to be a disaster.

But i want it...and for this reason i'm avoiding it. I need to want it as something good, not cuz its fire.

My instincts are ruling on this one. Goodbye SO. For now..

I've thought of seeing him. Just to give a formal goodbye in person out of respect for what we had....BUT i'm not mature enough to keep my end, to actually not see him. I'll probably end up sleeping with him. Period. And i do not want that...(**update--after reading this sentence right now over i've changed my mind and think that i can stay in control...its like cutting myself everytime i gave in, and i've come to really appreciate my value as a human being created by God, and thinking that gives me courage.)

Have you ever done things that were against what you have been taught? repeatedly....even after shame...after shame?

I saw old photos of me and was impressed. I looked good..sexy. My body is very...um..humble..but i do have a pretty face. Back in the days when i made myself up, i looked pretty good, at least in the pictures i saw. (now i'm over weight, don't wear make up, don't do any girly maintenance, don't do my eyebrows, and still have not done anything about the hairs on my armpit, i think its hilarious thinking of how people would get squemish about em)

And honestly i look fine. I guess i just use to have an image...and would feel shame people seeing me away from that. These past years i have fallen off the earth.

I"m so ashamed of myself.

But i am now proud to say that a new spirit resides in me...

Even though so far, i am still living at home, overweight, broke, recovering from a minor injury that made an important body part immobile, not in college anymore, am a "drop out", wow, never would have imagined, no car in a place where i NEED it to get anywhere, and in a place where the weather and quality of location, suburbia, does not permit walking anywhere...all those speeding giant metallic cars would just give me anxiety about being crushed and i fear for my lungs health to walk on the sidewalks inhaling all that constant traffic's pollution waste... i imagine..its just so hot outside 100+ degrees outside everyday...seeing parents go work their ass off everyday for 12 hours, seeing they can't keep up with the house in some needed repairs, seeing all their mess have piled up i imagine from being too tired from work to clean up, their occasional going out to gamble..seeing they have become overweight..and eating things the doctor told them not to..and i still look up to them flaws n all...

We all have problems, i can't sit here worrying about them as I hope they don't do with me...but to just be a positive, helpful, useful, encouraging, caring person...ie i won't stop telling her to stop eating what she shouldn't be eating..until she does.

I know in time with much patience, prayers for guidance, faith, and hope in the future, in this lifetime or another, things will get better. Life has its cycles. There's greater things beyond our individual worlds.

In the meantime i just really got to worry about me...more..

Its a tough situation to find myself here...how am i going to graduate? Can i face the university again where so much had happened? Can i get a loan? Will the loneliness there overcome me again? Am i forgetting something?

Well i'm going to take my time, but i will finish what i started.

And i only and truly hope for the best for SO. I have a feeling that one day i will see him and will talk to him...

I'm not sleeping with dudes anymore until THE dude. And i've come to accept sex as normal that everyone knows about it and does it or will do it, adults i'm talking about, but the difference this time now is i've really just know realize how to appreciate its value. Its not chocolate which you can really have whenever you want...I've realized how i have slept with a number of people, most except four were one night stands that was my choice to not see them afterwards..i mean sheesshh how could i have done anything being that busy...being secretive, hiding it, and dealing with all that negative vibe that comes with doing things that are really against who we are as people..and doing it over and over..i might as well taken a blade and you know...hurt myself

We're all slow on something...and i've jus realized that now. i can deal with life without having to resort to sex to get satisfaction out of life...

eff now its on food instead

But thanks ENA cuz i've thought about it and realize i can apply to food what makes me stay away from sex and drugs--appreciate my life to not let these things ruin me...lately ive just been abusing food. To be honest its so much harder than the other things because its more readily available so now i will write about my current bump in the road on my journey in life--letting food have power over me.

If i'm going to be sad then i need to be sad and deal with it WITHOUT involving food. And if i'm bored then let me be bored WITHOUT involving food. Thats what i want. I KNOW BETTER AND NEED TO PRACTICE IT. This is just old now.

yup i'm sad

but i need not be. so i see this as an oppurtunity to strengthen my self control. good luck everyone you deserve the best, let it be.

A bumpy journey....i guess all of our life rides get bumpy, but we all aim for the straight way. In my world, most of the bumps are brushed under the rug of secrecy, forgotten, unshared, now probably unintentionally, because in my world everyone seems to be too busy working- for that money.

America-the land of opportunity and long hours at work to gain more and more stuffs--materials just left inside a house, as fill, and maybe will be used one day...but all these made worth it by the happiness money brings to family left behind back home in the country.

And what about us generation in this new country--so humbled by our family's past yet want to burst with power and energy--but confined by an unseen wall to hold back and suffer. But happiness comes when we see the smiles of our parents face, their proud tough selves having a diamond amid their own sufferings. a parents love, love so tough and strong, amid a tough world, thank God for the gentleness rich in the private times inside our homes.

An update:

I still have not seen or heard from SO, and I haven't tried...All i got from him since i've been back was a text to my sister asking about me, and she replied that i'm doing good and that i am really religious now. She was half joking and expected him to reply, but he never did....

Honestly, I feel bad that I haven't contacted him since i've been bad, but I hold back from doing anything about it because...i'm not really sure. Thoughts of the negative aspects of our relationship seem to override the positives and it keeps me back. Like it's not worth it? I don't know, its confusing to me because our time together meant so much to me...and slowly its value was dying away as we did not put the effort in stimulating it anymore..and we threw in the fact that we would just get physical and hold back emotionally seemed to have expediated the process of decay...not i guess it just smells like death...the relationship...

Which is fine, things happen, so why revisit the past....but i do think that maybe out of all that "death and decay" can something else be salvaged? A new kind of relationship between us fertilized with our past chemistry? Is it possible? I do wonder...

But i hold back, i guess to protect myself from any possible hurt...etc...this can't be all that good, because it also held me back during our past relationship from becoming truly intimate as spirits connecting, our souls intwining...

So maybe because he's just the wrong guy....so it is there's is something wrong inside of me possibly holding me back from this inevitable connection i must make with another human being where officially i am connected to the world, am no longer a "child" acceptedly disconnected from the world and thus in dependence of what it gives me to grow, and living in my own lil world willingly, OR...he's just the wrong person because it shouldn't be this hard to connect with another person...

The difference between us is mountainous, climbing over it would consume us...it would be great to overcome great obstacles but ofcourse the other must want it as badly to climb willingly and joyfully alongside you...

Does the ceremony of marriage, saying the I do, signify this triumph, and signal you're shedding of your old egotistical childish dependent self...and beginning of incorporation to the wider world..first becoming two, then a family of more than two, and finally, the rest of your journey of becoming a permanent incorporation of this world, of this earth, through our decay and eventual fertilizing of this world with our decomposition, the ultimate joining of self and world...

OKAY!

Our joys are innate, and readily available is our happiness.

I admit i am not happy all the time--i experience times of anger, meanness, agitation, sadness, exhaustion, etc...

but a healthy heart keep lets us just to be--as who we are...

At those times we LOSE, rely on our inner resilience, have confidence of our Maker's perfect work on us and around us.

Currently, i'm being a live-in nanny during the week, not taking the pay because its the least I can do to help them out when they need it now for the time they helped me out when i was in trouble. It's not that bad, its just 6 month quiet, happy, baby and me during the day.

And i'm in the process of registering for classes next semester. I am going back!

Its exciting- along again, building up a new kind of life there living mostly as a student again. This time the path i'm taking on this familiar journey will truly be different!! Before I did as i pleased, stayed safe, holding back, protected from potential public "embarrassments," staying ignorant, etc..to taking risks, and challenges!!

Oh man i will have to chronicle anticipated hilarious personal experiences...it will be hilarious i promise because i am an idiot.

For ex, here's a dialogue between me and a friend during a break in English class my senior yr in high school:

ME: Hey girl, you have any Chapsticks i can borrow?

FRIEND: Starrrr, there's no 's' on the word...

ME: OHHH! [with a serious face i said..] So its Chapticks!!?

FRIEND: What!? No i mean its singular! Chapstick!

What i think of intellectually, cognitively about sex.

A powerful tool in building up the intimacy and power of a relationship between a man and women, marriage, meant to become a family..the one you will spend the rest of your life with the most...

Its power to make it sacared the sharing of intimacy, the sex, gets depleted when sex is done outside of the partnership...including doing it with yourself...

It value minimizes when repeatedly taken out of context...not just during a relationship but even before it...(premarital sex, etc)

It is serious--but the kind of seriousness where great intensity comes out of the experience, intensifying the joy and pleasure of the shared experience--

And its about each other--not making oneself feel good.

And it is can be a hilarious, the subject can be pretty funny..

And its not my world anymore!!!

I feel good to be freed from it--the constantly sexualizing things and people around me..and feeling the "need" for it...and doing it every time the oppurtunity presents itself. No more and how glad am i to say i am much happier now.

And i confess i still think about him...its cuz i do things relating to him...

Its hard when things around the house just remind me of him...

But the key is to be consistent...and believe and trust in yourself..

When I find myself thinking of him..i'll just smile and move on...smile for that i survived that crazy experience in tact!!! It took a while but i feel more whole now.

It only took years but you gotta keep the faith and hope.

Yeah i got questions still...but tell myself i may never get any real answers..from him...I truly believe that he never truly loved me, and for what are his personal reasons to choose not to go all the way i may never know..i probably will never know.

All i can do is respect his choice and opinions...and deal with it if its different from mine by moving on.

i know i haven't contacted him at all since i've been back--and he hasn't either....

its stressful to really think about it and it shouldn't be...

BUT TELL ME WHY I FEEL LIKES ITS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. To go and see him, to just come face to face...for growth and understanding...and to not just avoid him to avoid complications--

Then i just realize, i was thinking it would be responsible to stay away from him and to see him to just tell him that i will not be seeing him anymore or talking to him anymore like before....and then i think he's irresponsible, maybe thats why he never properly broke up with me because he thought it might have to hard to deal with my heartache and just hard to deal with it FOR HIM PERSONALLY and so he never PROPERLY did it--and just wanted to still be around so he could still get free easy ass from me and half ass the emotional part of the relationship...

Well I don't have to be responsible about anything, because this is what he wants all along ...i assume....guess....

OH GOODNESS. Conclusion: He is an AHOLE, self proclaimed, won't even deny it, and I just don't have time...life is too short...and we need to grow and expand beyond--!

Thats it.

My attitude towards all this has been that it's all good...he goes lives his life I go live mine. I admit he comes to mind pretty often but I shake it off early...before it dwells and something inside of me begins to crave for some of the intimate times or recall those moments that made me smile... Its okay. I'm glad for the memories but when I think of the future, I fear the pattern of trying to come close together only to find ourselves float away from that goal sooner than later again will just repeat itself. It's exhausting to go through. After you're apart again you're left to wonder what just happened. I guess it makes sense when we live quite a distance from each other and do not socialize in the same circle of people... And we try to maintain that we are just friends...who sometimes end up on each other on our times alone... That kind of setting, I'm not surprised at times I just feel used. I know my worth and this is not respecting its value. Maybe a lot of it has to do also that I don't have my loved ones blessing on this relationship, and so I feel like i'm doing something wrong. And when I try to just act like its okay we don't need their blessing because we are just "friends..". Two people just hanging out together, no big deal... But i'm lying to myself because I cannot seem to shake off my own suspicion of myself that I do harbor intentions that go beyond being just friends, platonic friendship, that i see and talk to him to see if he may be that one? And it doesn't make any sense if himself, the other part of this whole relationship, does not have this intention and sees this as only a platonic thing... Now i think that its possible he does, and with a bonus he might get lucky (!), and still care about me, because he is not at a good place with him "self"...he lacks this confidence and is unhappy about something...i dont know...does he? his life's circumstances? idk. Guys if you are not at the best place, at least keep your confidence in yourself. And you can't fool yourself in having this genuine virtue but gotta earn it through hard work of living a life with integrity and dignity. I know it our times, us "young adults" could be misguided in life and just be directed by success and goals in attaining material successes, and some of us sensitive ones out there who can't ignore the harshness, greys, and blues of our situations only amplify our struggle to maintain in the head as we try to climb up the ladder of success, seeing we don't have the best chances or whatever....can easily be brought down to feelings of unworthiness and that we don't really matter... BUT there is always light at the end of the tunnel..Thank heavens. Something I have learned in my time away in a "cave" for over a year...is that there is light. and we have FREEDOM freely given by God. Think about it. We have freedom to choose...we have human rights..and many things already that no body can ever take away... That's all we need to build a life that we want... I remember someone in history said something about freedom that its not freedom from constraints we need to seek....cuz we will always be constraint by something! But realize that creativity comes not from creating something because we can do whatever we want, but true creativity and ingenuity comes from "creating something within restraints..." Do what you can with what you got. And enjoy life. You never know what will happen!! PS Mr. S wrote me a letter. I have not responded and don't know if i will.....what is there to say... He basically feels bad for being so out of touch and explained he's been busy.. Okay...i see you aint got no time for me! =/ Makes me real happy to hear that.... I just can't help but think that if someone really loves something, anything, they make time for it... Or is this just now his time? Am i in the wrong for being a little angry...like where does he come from with all this and now?

Something just hit me while reading my past entries on this journal...about our different line of thinking...

For us to be anything, to be in any kind of relationship, for us to step up another level on our connection, for me to be able to truly open up and not hold back...is I need him to be honest.

That's basically it. He admits he does "shady" things to survive....It's hard for me to believe that he needs to do those things. From what I've seen in his life he is an ABLE man, young,strong, smart, has a home (though with parents its still a home!), food to eat, etc...basics he has...and according to Maslows hierarchy of needs..he has the basic needs which shouldn't block him from reaching his potential...i just think he's just miserable and accepts his fate as what he sees as negative...instead of appreciating all that he does have...he takes his life for granted! He doesn't step out of his comfort zone as much as he thinks he does...

I need him to stop doing shady things...sure you don't have the best car, best clothes, best jewelry, etc...but those are not even important when it comes to LIFE LIFE...best things in life are free! Those deep, fulfilling, satisfying experiences life as to offer...which can only be found when you put yourself OUT THERE...no worries...just be responsible for your life and be accountable for your actions and you'll be surprised how your self esteem grows, and you will be out of your damn misery!!

I've been in misery and it sucks! I only made it through by my family and friends love and patience....i never really opened up to them, maybe that extended my gloom, but their presence around me did good for me...they were sensitive with me at those times...well most likely they felt they had to walk on egg shells around me cuz i could blow up any minute then....throw a temper tantrum...say what i had to say...throw some heavy emotional * * * * on them...

No one really did anything consciously, they were just there...and that was all i truly needed in the long run....to help..and to get locked up..and be seperated from everyone for over a year did the trick to....i was just use to being in my own world in my own mind for such a long time...i didn't know how to deal with other people anymore....but when i was forced to stay in a room with 40+ people everyday and night....part of me was released...ironic thats where i gained freedom....

You know i wish to share this in the future...but my familys culture gets real caught up in SHAME that I get caught up with it...

I know i cannot forget the experience and wow....just realize i wish to motivate other hopefully...tell someone things i learned...with other kids who are caught up in their own worlds....but i think what is the point...would i have listened then if someone tried telling this things? I mean would i understand the concepts and ideas? Would i be mature enough to get it....it took something like what i went through and time to get it....but everyday is a learning experience...i'm still learning...

I mean how can i really help anyone! I still can't help myself in other aspects of my life! For one...i have gained so much weight since i've been back!!! I was slim coming back here 6 months ago...now i think i way like 160lbs for my 5'3 petite frame thats bad!!

My excuse is there's something in american food....yeah given its large portion will do it...and its abundance! I am shocked every time i see a picture of my body! So was my sister when she came into town last month after not seeing me for months....its shocking...but something is kinda happy about the fact that i'm not as miserable about it! Okay maybe i'm lying to myself....

But in ways i like it because it will keep boys away from me and make it easier to avoid temptations...i mean the cute boys that i couldn't resist before...ah man self control is a challenge but its attainable and quite noble...and real respectable...i see that now...BUT Yepp i love fun and i give in to temptations easily...i admit it..looking at my past...but people change! I use to think who cares, but now realize that I care..who i am cares, and who i am is the world, who i am is God (?)..and so bigger things do care...my little view through my eyes don't hide it..because the world does stare back at me and see me.....

I mean it works, i stay away from boys now, but i see it's taking away from something else...like my own self esteem and image of body is negative...which will just pollute my whole being...sure i can keep my integrity but lose pride on my natural self worth because i'm dumping all these waste on it...(extra calories of food on my body that it doesn't need!)

So its not the best solution..but its funny..that that is my excuse that its okay....

Its funny cuz we try to deal with things....and i'm being loco about it, twisting it....i know i'm not being serious...humor surely helps me get through life...cuz it is serious but nothings really THAT serious in life..except LIFE itself. But i admit I don't want to deal with it because it will be hard and will push me to change..............

I'm being lazy...shame shame on me...

ah fck...i know its been there in the back of my head for a long time now...

looks like i'm gonna take on this challenge of losing weight seriously now...it shouldn't be too hard really, this other part of me says.....i can rationalize that i just need to change a little thing about my lifestyle and keep with it..stay consistent isn't so hard...other part of me is afraid of the emotions and thinking I will have to put into it, pulling in the will power, and how draining it all sounds, and i almost want to excuse it because it will get on the way of my school work i'll start doing (im going back to school after two years off!!! eeekk! im excited!) and i don't need extra hardships....

But then a part of me says that what it needs for it to happen, a lifestyle change, is to NOT think about it...just do what is logical, saying enough is enough, and thats it! No more thinking about it...no more trying to justify eating ice cream or more extra plates for an emotional stimulation...enjoy every bite i take should be enough to experience the joy of eating, and stop when its finished, no more thinking about it and thats it! Thats all....stop the obsession..its all in the mind at that point. I've acquired the skill of just saying NO in my head and thats it....and naturally i should lose weight...i'll start working out..i do enjoy running..just my poor bunions suffer from it =/...at least I'll walk an hour everyday! And eat minimum....and right.

OKAY!

Um look out, i'll make two new journals..i'll need it! One on the whole losing weight deal...and getting fit...and will generally become a journal on food....cuz there is such a variety out there its wonderful...and the other on my experience of going back to the university next week! Oh lord help me be with me...its going to be a different experience! I'm 25 years old now...and i will be living in a dorm! For some reason I think it'll be hilarious....not sure really sure why yet....i guess i'm a little embarrased already by it??!! But in a sense, i have nothing to be ashamed about trying to get my edumacation on!

I'm trying!

I've lasted this first week of school, i've kept up for the most part with my readings. I've done more than I had the first time around in college...and eating well too. But i've just gone to the store accross the street and bought me a big bag of hot cheetos, microvable noodles, and a lunchable! i rationalized in my head that it would be my last day to eat met (lunchable), proccessed food, and junk food!

But who am i fooling! If i couldn't resist now how can I tomorrow!!??

Why do i do good, then go and do something bad to pull down all the good i've done?

Make myself feel more horrible..make things worse? This is self-destruct mode!

But at least i see it happening now...i know that that is what is happening NOW and I can deal with it NOW...than later, when i'm asking myself what happened.

It's happening now, and i need to stop now.

I'm gonna tell myself I deserve all that i'll be working for. It won't be perfection, and must face any outcome that may come, but HOPE still for the best...thats all I can do! and work hard! It'll be rewarding to work hard now and enjoy the transformation that will follow...

I'll be smarter! And can be more useful and helpful...I don't want this to turn out as a selfish thing, or a status attaining goal kinda thing...i just want to be myself and let God take care of me, and take what will come...push myself, but be aware all at the same time, be in the moment...not so busy and caught up in getting through something but just do it and be in it......

All this food will be the last, i giving myself this one..but pushing tomorrow. I'll practice making the best choice, and not go against that voice inside of me...not push it aside, but at least be able to rationalize it and it makes sense!

Basically, no more NONSENSE!

Oh i will need help with it...its gonna be a struggle...how will i deal with it?