I feel so sick. All of my organs are mixed in my body right now, stomach in my throat and my heart in my stomach. I have that hole-in-the-heart, nauseous feeling that something just isn't right.
I don't feel like he's cheating. Again. Yet. That's not what it is. But I do feel like he's lost interest in loving me.
Last night we were out with some friends when Oprah came on the TV (news about her show ending in '11). My husband was joking around with our friends and said to me, "Oh Ash you should become a lesbian and marry Oprah - then divorce her and become an insta-millionaire and then remarry me! .... Or! You could tell everyone you're a virgin and sell your virginity on the Bunny Ranch!" He always jokes about this. It hurts. It's disrespectful to say that to your wife and embarrassing too in front of our friends. And then he says he wants Megan Fox.. Which is ok, it's whatever, but I'm insecure right now so of course it makes me feel like crap when normally I wouldn't care. I feel so nasty, and dirty.
For the past couple of days I've had a terrible nasty gut feeling in my stomach. I told him about this feeling and he says, "I don't know why, we're fine." And then gives me a weird look like I've gone crazy. I had to run into Wal-Mart last night to grab some stuff for the baby after we left the bar with our friends. I ran in by myself at 2am, and came out of Wal-Mart just goofing off and laughing at myself. I wore heels last night and decided to take them off once I got out of Wal-Mart and then ran and hopped on the cart. When I got to the car, Jeff was like, "Umm.. what are you doing? Why are you RUNNING?" I laughed and said, "I don't know, it's 2am and no one is around really to witness me be a complete idiot. We have a baby, I don't get to act immature very often....... Plus I got my exercise for the day!" Haha! He kind of glared at me and said, "Running a hundred yards isn't the exercise you need."
I wanted to say, "What the hell? What's your deal?" Probably over-analyzing the situation, but it hurt my feelings. He just makes me feel so insecure.. Fat, ugly, everything. He used to tell me how beautiful I was and would be sweet and open doors for me, walk with me and hold my hand. I dressed up last night and the only thing he could say was, "Oh. Where'd you get that jacket?" Of course he doesn't open doors for me anymore, and instead of walking in together as a couple he is footsteps ahead of me.
Maybe I'm just being dramatic. But I've felt this way for a while and it's only getting worse. I love him, but I hate feeling like a POS to him. I feel like I'm getting depressed again. I just want to cry and sleep. But I can't do either, I have to hold it together for my daughter.