How do I explain to my boyfriend that he's hurting me?

Lately, I've been feeling a bit unimportant...

I think... I'm so mixed up, so I'm not sure if my feelings are justified or if it's the long distance making me needy.

I have tended to pick things apart in our relationship and he HATES that. So, I've been really good lately about not doing that. But lately, I've been feeling like he doesn't seem that excited to talk to me during the day. I'm not sure if he's taking me for granted or what's going on?

When I go home to see him, he's great. In person, it is so nice to be with him. But when I go back to the city, I feel disconnected.

I've felt this way for a couple weeks, but since I sometimes seem to overanalyze things, I've kept it to myself. But two weeks have passed and I still feel this way.

I'm still second guessing it, though, not sure if it's worth bringing up.

I was so close just a few min ago.

We were on skype. He was playing Call of Duty. Is it too much to ask that I have his full attention? I mean, I know that our days are not that interesting or exciting but I feel like he hardly asks me about my day and when he did today, he was looking at his game the whole time so I didn't feel like he really cared to hear it anyway.

We were on skype for about 40 minutes and it was quiet probably half the time becuse he was playing and I get frustrated trying to make conversation to someone who I feel would rather be playing a game.

I just don't want him to think I'm overanalyzing so I want to go about telling him in the best way. I don't want him to feel that I am attacking him.

What do I say? And should I wait til Saturday when I see him in person? Or is on the phone okay? I don't know how long I can wait before I start getting really emotional about it.

Basically I just want a little more...

or am I out of line? It could just be my own insecurities causing this so maybe it's not fair to make him change for that reason.

And like I said, when I go see him on the weekends, I never feel this way. It's just when we're apart (which is a majority of the time)

Agh, or maybe I'm overreacting?

Why not speak to him about this?

My bf and I are in a long distance relationship therefore, we only see each other on the weekends. However, we still talk on the phone all throughout the day. If I'm surfing the web or playing a game while he's talking to me (rude, I know), he would never hesitate to let me know about it. The same applies to him when he's watching tv while talking to me. We'll let each other know that we'll call back later.

If there is something that is bothering you, then you have to let him know, especially if you stated that you've been feeling the same way for the past 2 weeks.

How often do you speak to each other?

Bring it up.

I'm all for communication, its an issue, its bothering you, you need to address it.

Address it the next time you're together in person. Mention the fact that its sooo great when you are together during the weekends, but during the week you feel a disconnect, that you aren't important, that..whatever.

Why not speak to him about this?

 

My bf and I are in a long distance relationship therefore, we only see each other on the weekends. However, we still talk on the phone all throughout the day. If I'm surfing the web or playing a game while he's talking to me (rude, I know), he would never hesitate to let me know about it. The same applies to him when he's watching tv while talking to me. We'll let each other know that we'll call back later.

 

If there is something that is bothering you, then you have to let him know, especially if you stated that you've been feeling the same way for the past 2 weeks.

 

How often do you speak to each other?

Well, every day, throughout the day, but it seems to have lessened... if he's working during the day, we seem to talk more. But if he's got a day off, he is doing his own thing and I dont hear from him as much. He's been quieter than usual lately? I think he's bored with his life at the moment (hasn't been workng much) so maybe he just doesn't have anything to say?

I'm just so scared to bring it up. He hates confrontation. I would be more comfortable doing it in person, but I don't know if I can wait 4 days or if I want the one night I get with him to be about me being upset..

and what if it's all in my head? because of the distance, sometimes I feel I am more needy.

Bring it up.

I'm all for communication, its an issue, its bothering you, you need to address it.

Address it the next time you're together in person. Mention the fact that its sooo great when you are together during the weekends, but during the week you feel a disconnect, that you aren't important, that..whatever.

That's what I was planning to do

But thats four days and I'm so emotional about it right now

I can't imagne that I wouldn't cry when I see him if it stays this way

Would addressing it now be productive?

If he's doing it now, then maybe address it.

The only problem, if he doesn't like confrontation it may backfire.

Thats why sometimes doing it when you're not emotional, when its not occurring, and doing it when the two of you are neutral in emotion, or happy and together, that you can bring it up and DISCUSS it, not accuse him.

Having a health productive conversation about an issue is much better than a heated discussing where he feels accused and gets upset and turns it around on you.

Its all in how you bring it up and talk through it. Its being able to just talk about it, and not have to get all worked up about small issues [and to me, this is small..and simpe convesation of "I just am not feeling the connection during the week..." is all we would do, talk, find a solution, move on...] but its all in how you decide to bring this issue up.

I'm really emotional right now.

but I feel like if I wait, I will just erupt when I see him next.

Maybe I could try calming down and then call him? Or is over the phone a terrible idea?

Has phone conversations in the past been succseful when bringing up an issue?

I'm just picturing you calling him up, trying to be calm, and then freaking out saying "You don't pay enough attention to me..." and have it come out all wrong and making you look really insecure and just not being productive.

What do you plan on addressing?

The feel of disconnect during the week? Don't make it about him. Make it about the situation. The try and provide solutions, what would make you feel connected? Have you thought of that? Provide a solution, or give him something to work with.

Don't go in with intentions of "You need to call me more, stop doing this, stop doing that...you need to do this more.." type of mentality.

Express your frustration about the disconecct in general, and how can the TWO OF YOU make sure the connection remains during the week.

Maybe you should be PROactive...and get a life OUTSIDE of him, when you aren't together....ie, have a girls night out.Leave your phone at home and just worry about YOU. Maybe he will be the one to bring it up instead. It sounds to me like you're relying on HIM to much for your fullfillment. So go out.Have some fun....get out of your own head, so you don't obsess about this so much.

Maybe you should be PROactive...and get a life OUTSIDE of him, when you aren't together....ie, have a girls night out.Leave your phone at home and just worry about YOU. Maybe he will be the one to bring it up instead. It sounds to me like you're relying on HIM to much for your fullfillment. So go out.Have some fun....get out of your own head, so you don't obsess about this so much.

I don't know necessarily if that is the situation, or solution.

I was in the OP's position.

Basically had just a weekend relationship for quite some time.

Despite school, work, hobbies, volunteering, a social life, the disconnect was felt at times. And it was through communication and finding a middle ground that we were both comfortable with, that we resolved it. Making ourselves busier wasn't the solution. It was making more of an effort in the relationship that did.

Even if I wanted to, it's not in my character to call him out on stuff and blame him by saying you always do this, that, etc.

I won't get angry and accuse, I'll cry. And I knowhow much he doesn't like to hearme cry.

I was planning on saying something like this.

I would bring something up that's light an funny in the beginning and then sort of non chalantly go into what's upsetting me

"Hey, I just wanted to mention something to you that has been on my mind for a couple weeks but I wanted to make sure I wasn't over analyzing like I usually do..

you know, it's really great when I come home, I feel awesome with you

and I love it

but for some reason, probably the distance, when I come back to the city I feel sort of disconnected.

I feel like we don't text as often as we used to or talk as much and its making the distance harder for me. Im not blaming you at all, but its something Ive noticed and has been bothering me a bit."

something along those lines.. does that sound okay?

I'd like to metion today with skype, but I don't want to be accusing.

I've felt like this one other time, well a little different.. it was about him doing sweet littlethings that I missed and I told him over text and he apologized and started again, so that was good.

but since then he's seen that I am overanalytical and he has said that I analyze our relationship too muc so I think he might not be as easy on me.

on the other hand, with what I plan to say to him, I don't see how he could get angry with me?

Maybe you should be PROactive...and get a life OUTSIDE of him, when you aren't together....ie, have a girls night out.Leave your phone at home and just worry about YOU. Maybe he will be the one to bring it up instead. It sounds to me like you're relying on HIM to much for your fullfillment. So go out.Have some fun....get out of your own head, so you don't obsess about this so much.

I do feel like I rely on him more than he does me sometimes

but I do go to school full time

and I have other things to do

I just feel disconnected and it's not my style to just leave it to him. It should be equal.

I don't know necessarily if that is the situation, or solution.

 

I was in the OP's position.

Basically had just a weekend relationship for quite some time.

Despite school, work, hobbies, volunteering, a social life, the disconnect was felt at times. And it was through communication and finding a middle ground that we were both comfortable with, that we resolved it. Making ourselves busier wasn't the solution. It was making more of an effort in the relationship that did.

Yeah but if she's walking on eggsshells because HE might get upset...that's an issue. I don't think bringing it up is going to solve the issue. She has said

she's aready brought it to his attention and he hates it. Doing the same things over and over and expecting different results never works. This is why I say try something different. If she is doing more outside the relationship

it will likely give them MORE to talk about when they DO talk. And he very well MAY be the one who moves closer beacuse of this. if he has a problem with it...then I think he just may not be the right person for her. JMO

Yeah but if she's walking on eggsshells because HE might get upset...that's an issue. I don't think bringing it up is going to solve the issue. She has said

she's aready brought it to his attention and he hates it. Doing the same things over and over and expecting different results never works. This is why I say try something different. If she is doing more outside the relationship

it will likely give them MORE to talk about when they DO talk. And he very well MAY be the one who moves closer beacuse of this. if he has a problem with it...then I think he just may not be the right person for her. JMO

I haven't brought this situation to his attention. But I know him and he doesn't like to talk about stuff/issues. Which is not good, but it's how he is.

and like, I'm so mixed up..

he just sent me a wink on facebook chat

so how I could I say he does these things? he will be confused.

bah, I wonder if it's just me?

You're too convenient for him. If you're talking all day long, isn't it time for both of you to have a little space, to get other things done?

Why not talk every other day, or talk every day but only for a short time? You have to start living again, instead of centering your entire life around him.

If you're feeling disconnected, you're feeling disconnected.

Its just not working for you during the week. He needs to know.

If you feel ignored when he sits there and plays video games, well then don't sit there and listen to dead air.

Make the time PRODUCTIVE.

Find a solution. Have one great conversation a day, not pointless ones continously.

What would make you feel connected to him during the week? If its an extra text, a good solid 15 minute conversation with his full attention..thats peanuts..any guy who cares would be happy to make you feel connected..

Its truly a small issue, it is and so very easily resolvable. He just needs to know.

Just let him know you feel disconnected during the week, plain and simple. Leave it at that. Don't say I'm not blaming you, because he's going to think "Shes blaming me..."

Its a situation problem, the distance. Make it about the situation, not him. Don't point the finger, but saying ITS NOT YOUR FAULT..will make him think it is.

Just state you hate the time apart, that you feel disconnected and let it go from there.

This doesn't need to be a huge deal.

You feel this off and on..you will be fine one month, worse the next, it will fluctuate, but its about communicating and bringing it up to get you through. Its an LDR, communication is important. It takes MORE work to keep these going, you need to be creative and put more effort.

Its not suprising you feel this way, and you shouldn't be all worried about how he will react. The fact is you feel this way, and it can be easily fixed. The way he reacts will say alot...will he try and make it better, or tell you you're crazy and needy...shows how he respects you and your feelings.

You're too convenient for him. If you're talking all day long, isn't it time for both of you to have a little space, to get other things done?

 

Why not talk every other day, or talk every day but only for a short time? You have to start living again, instead of centering your entire life around him.

We don't talk all day long, just at random points during the day.

You are probably right. I wake up in themorning looking forward to talking to him, check my phone during the day to see if he's texted.

And now that it's lessened, it's caught me in a panic.

I think in my head I have this idea that we will start drifting and eventualy end things if we don't keep a lot of contact (because the relationship is long distance)

am I overdoing it? how will we keep a strong bond if we don't communicate during the day?

This is my first serious relationship, his third. Maybe that has somethin to do with our levels of contact?

We don't talk all day long, just at random points during the day.

 

You are probably right. I wake up in themorning looking forward to talking to him, check my phone during the day to see if he's texted.

 

And now that it's lessened, it's caught me in a panic.

I think in my head I have this idea that we will start drifting and eventualy end things if we don't keep a lot of contact (because the relationship is long distance)

am I overdoing it? how will we keep a strong bond if we don't communicate during the day?

 

This is my first serious relationship, his third. Maybe that has somethin to do with our levels of contact?

There's alot to be said about

Alot of contact vs. Meaningful contact.

Alot of contact can become boring, too much work, feel like a chore and actually do the opposite of what you want.

When it feels like work, its no longer fun.

Set some boundaries and expectations.

If its one good chat a night, then you know that and look forward to that chat at the end of the day, just you and him, no video games, no distractions.

Change your expectations, and change the way you communicate with him.

Okay, I won't say "I don't blame you" or "it's not your fault" I can see what you mean bout that.

We do have a good 15 min conversation at least once a day. And we text randomly. Should that be sufficient? I don't really know what the normal amount to talk to your SO during the day is. I could be completely overreating? I'm new at this, haha. I guess just having him ask me more about my day and not seem tobe in a rush to go play Call of Duty orwatch a movie would be nice. Just some genuine interest like he used to have.

There's alot to be said about

 

Alot of contact vs. Meaningful contact.

 

Alot of contact can become boring, too much work, feel like a chore and actually do the opposite of what you want.

When it feels like work, its no longer fun.

 

Set some boundaries and expectations.

If its one good chat a night, then you know that and look forward to that chat at the end of the day, just you and him, no video games, no distractions.

 

Change your expectations, and change the way you communicate with him.

I think you've said what I needed to hear.

I'm just so used to having contact with him constantly, but none of it was really meaningful. By the end of the day, after stupid little texts here and here we had nothing to even say by our nighttime phone call.

I think you are very right about what you're saying here.

Maybe I'll try doing that and see how I feel.

I just have this stupid idea in my head that since we are long distance we need to communicate twice as much for it to work. :S

Which can't be right when what you're saying makes so much sense.

I agree, limit your communication to once a day, with full attention on each other. At the beginning of a relationship, meaningless little texts might seem like fun, but very soon one can get bored about it (I wouldn't want my bf to ask me every 2 hours how I am or what I have been doing in the past 2 hours).

I've been in an LDR and experienced that sometimes less communication made it easier than too frequent. If we talked too frequently it just seemed to be harder to cope with being apart, while with infrequent communication we really had to say something meaningful to each other