Desperate

Hello everyone. I am so thankful to come accross this forum.

I have been with my husband over 4 years, married for 2. We have no children. I have always known that my husband had some sort of anger issues, but never knew the extent of them. He has a mild form of cerebral palsy which affects his walking and coordination. I feel he is angry over having the disability and being hindered from gaining his full potential at school. For whatever reasons he was sent to a special boarding school where he was treated like a delinquent. He hated being there and to this day loathes the thought of not having been able to learn how he should have. He is a bright man, but his anger gets the better of him.

Since we moved in together, things have been tough but manageble. We've had various stresses such as me getting laid off work and financial worries. That was over a year ago, I have now been employed over a year and things seem to be going okay in my opinion. We have some debt (accumulated from me being unemployed and our wedding) that needs paying off, but the husband seems to be stressing over it far too much, hence his anger. He attempted getting a loan to cover the credit cards but was turned down. He blew up this morning over it and shouted at me. He always takes his anger out on me. Most of the time he is snappy. He doesn't have any patience and always shouts, even at our cats. He has never laid a finger on me or anyone else, I believe he won't. He hasn't been violent towards me.

After this morning's blow up I ended up getting upset and telling him we're done and not to bother coming back. He stormed off to work. I went downstairs after he'd gone to find he had threw his wedding ring on the floor. This set me off and I couldn't stop crying. I love the man so, so much. I have no idea what to do. I told him we're finished because I feel like giving up. I feel I have done everything I can. I am at my wits end.

I have suggested anger management, hobbies, etc. He won't have any of it. Before I met him he had anger management, but didn't continue it. When I suggest he takes up hobbies he just says, "I can't afford to do anything". This isn't true at all, he makes it out like we're poor and soon to be ruined when we are not. We're paying off the debt and our bills.

The man seems to be so negative about himself and his life. I feel him marrying me has made him worse. I feel I am putting too much pressure on him and I take the blame for getting us into debt. I don't know what to do. I am desperate to make this marriage work, if it can.

Well first and foremost no one deserves to be yelled at.

No matter how much you love this man you need to make a list of things that are unacceptable to you... being yelled at should be at the top.

Make it clear that you do love him but you will not sacrifice your feeling of safety for loving him.

Take the steps that he will realize it is serious - I would suggest a temporary separation. Perhaps even a few nights away with visiting family would be best.

Of course it stung when you saw the ring on the floor but keep in mind it stung him when you said it was over. Words said in anger HURT. But, with that in mind you have a decision to make... stay with a man who can't control his anger or let him realize that without change you won't continue to partake in this.

It will be hard to hold your ground but I would implore you to do so... if he is unwilling to work on this then you are better off not with him.

Hugs

In situations like these, I always suggest this:

Talk about the problem when it isn't a problem. Make a mental note to sit down with him when you are both calm and address the issue appropriately. Let him know how you feel and how you think his anger problem is affecting your relationship.

When you're both calm and it's not an argument in the middle of an argument, then he'll be much more open to listening to you and realizing that his anger is affecting you in the long-term.

Just be able to stay calm, even if he reacts embarrassedly, sourly...whatever. It's hard to have your faults pointed out for you.