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Thread: What to do when you feel taken for granted?

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    Platinum Member -Sanguine-'s Avatar
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    What to do when you feel taken for granted?

    Lately, I have been feeling a bit unappreciated and taken for granted...
    I am very sweet to my boyfriend, always complimenting him and telling him how much I care.
    He used to do this stuff and I know by his actions that he still cares, but he doesn't really speak it anymore.

    I'm sure it's normal that some guys don't express how they feel, but how do I get past this when I am the opposite. I would like to avoid bringing this up with him because we've had issues where I worry too much and he thinks I take it out on the relationship which is probably true.

    So I want to solve this myself. He also has said I love you, but he says it every once in a while and I don't understand why? It just confuses me.

    I guess all I want to know is
    it's normal for guys to not always express that they miss us
    or things like that even though they do?
    and it's possible that I'm just more expressive than he is. In the beginning, he did it a lot more, but now that he has me for nine months, maybe he thinks he doesn't have to try as hard?

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    Platinum Member Jd1983's Avatar
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    I don't think it's really based on guys in general, I think it's more based on individual.

    It could be possible that you are more expressive than he is, but some guys tend to stop doing those thing after the "honeymoon stage" is over.

    This is where good communication comes to play. Let him know how you feel and see if he's willing to change.

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    Platinum Member -Sanguine-'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jd1118
    I don't think it's really based on guys in general, I think it's more based on individual.

    It could be possible that you are more expressive than he is, but some guys tend to stop doing those thing after the "honeymoon stage" is over.

    This is where good communication comes to play. Let him know how you feel and see if he's willing to change.
    Is it normal that I'm not over the honeymoon stage and he possibly is?
    Cause like I said, he still treats me very well, just doesn't express it as much.


    I have mentioned things casually in conversation, but I say it in a jokey way so things stay light. I hope he catches on.

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    Bronze Member celiaroae100's Avatar
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    try toning down your compliments and saying things less and see what happens. it might change the dynamic. I do think its pretty normal though. actions are more important IMO anyway. Research "Languages of love" I think it might help x

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  6. 11-11-2009, 07:59 PM

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    Platinum Member Jd1983's Avatar
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    It's completely normal that you're not over the honeymoon stage. It's different for everyone. I've been with my bf for a year and a half and we are still in the honeymoon stage. Sometimes you have to work on it.

    You have to let him know how you feel rather than hoping that he will eventually catch on.

    My bf is very attentive with everything, but he wasn't as romantic as I'd like him to be. I recently had a talk with him asking why he wasn't as romantic (i.e. surprising me with things, planning dates etc). He was somewhat confused because early on in the relationship, he brought me a bouquet of flowers and a stuffed animal. I told him it was a sweet gesture but I don't really care for them. So he took it as a cue that I'm just not into those things. He told me he never planned things because he wanted me to choose whatever I wanted to do because that's what makes me happy. He told me he was a romantic person, but he just didn't think that I'd like it so he never did them. It was a misunderstanding on both sides, but if I had kept quiet nothing would have changed. I guess I was at fault because I never addressed this issue earlier, but there's always a time for change.

    You have to be the same way. If there is something that is bothering you, you have to let your bf know rather than dropping subtle hints and hoping he'll finally catch on. Trust me it'll save a lot more time in the long haul.

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    Platinum Member WomanWriter's Avatar
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    Well, your situation may be different, but I will share mine to see if it helps.

    My ex stopped saying "I love you" towards the end of our relationship. He was still doing things for me like driving me to work, etc., but I noticed that he wouldn't bring it up anymore. I was always saying it first.

    What I did was ask him why he doesn't say it anymore. He said because he didn't need to. He said I should already know and if I want him to say it more, he wonders if I don't trust him. I said I just liked to hear it, as he liked me to have sex with him. It's just a comfort.

    He didn't change, so I stopped saying it as much, but I felt resentful. When I did say "I love you," it seemed like he forced saying it back, so I just gave him space.

    Well one ominous day, he tells me "Listen, I don't know why you doubt me, but I will always love you!" He just said it out of the blue. Then he started talking about how he hated his life and wanted to quit his job and school (which he did eventially) and move accross the country. I asked what that meant about our impending marriage. He said he wanted to find himself. That was it. He left me. That was 10 months ago.

    I'm not saying your bf doesn't love you anymore, but since he did used to say it before, it's probably not a good sign.

    Instead of talking to him, like I did to my ex, why not just stop saying it and try to find ways to show him instead?

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    Platinum Member -Sanguine-'s Avatar
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    I assume that my boyfriend feels he doesn't need to say stuff because I should know that he misses me, etc. but it is a nice comfort.

    I should clarify that he has said I love you, just lately for the first time, but he doesn't say it consistently(never has); he will say it once every week or not even that often. And when he does, it will be random. If I had my way, I would say it everynight or just randomly throughout the day, but apparently he doesn't operate that way? There's more complications behind that, but for now I just miss him doing the little sweet, romantic stuff.

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    I want to ask you something that I hope doesn't make you feel uncomfortable and if it offends you in any way please accept my apologies and disregard it. I know you mentioned a while ago that you had sex with him for the first time. Did he use to be more attentive before that?

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    Originally Posted by Bella20
    I want to ask you something that I hope doesn't make you feel uncomfortable and if it offends you in any way please accept my apologies and disregard it. I know you mentioned a while ago that you had sex with him for the first time. Did he use to be more attentive before that?
    No, I don't think so. I haven't noticed that since then he has been less attentive. I had asked him even before that to do little things, so he started again.. and now I think I need to remind him again, I suppose.

    Not offensive, it's a valid question, but I know he was never with me for that reason.

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    Originally Posted by -D-
    No, I don't think so. I haven't noticed that since then he has been less attentive. I had asked him even before that to do little things, so he started again.. and now I think I need to remind him again, I suppose.

    Not offensive, it's a valid question, but I know he was never with me for that reason.
    No, not at all, I wasn't saying that he was with you for that reason, but I know that guys tend to become less attentive once the relationship becomes physical, because that's their way of expressing feelings. Then again, this is not all guys.

    I mean... If he is a nice, respectful person who treats you with love and loves you well, I wouldn't worry too much about the little things. Sure, they are nice and all, but what you really want to focus on is developing a respectful, loving bond with the other person. It may not be in his nature to do these things, and I wouldn't have a fight over it. Just gently maybe remind him that you do enjoy the occasional little love thing

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