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Thread: Just found out my BF is in to men and tranny - PLEASE HELP!!!

  1. #1
    Member muffinhead's Avatar
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    Just found out my BF is in to men and tranny - PLEASE HELP!!!

    I've been with my boyfriend for 14 months. We are very serious, we live together and talk about spending our lives together. Today, hence the reason I just signed up for this site, my world came crashing down. After all the lies he's told me about about gay/tranny porn and same sex encounters, today I FINALLY got the truth out him - He admitted to not just fantasizing about sex with men, but to having sex with (he can't even recall how many) men. As I'm typing, I'm still in shock and don't really know what to do next? There are so many questions I have about all this. So many questions I need him to answer, that I deserve to have him answer. Now, sitting here at home alone, my mind is racing and I don't know what to do next? My heart is broken. I feel cheated. He broke my spirit today and has left me feeling inadequate as a woman and as a person.

    There's so much more I want to say but the tears are getting in the way.

    If ANYONE out there has gone through something like this or has any advise AT ALL, I'm begging .. please help me! Thank you in advance for your help, folks.

    Lord, help me get through this!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member top bloke's Avatar
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    Firstly I am very sorry that this has happened to you. Secondly you are not inadequate as a aperson at all. He was the liar..he was doing that behaviour.
    How can you live a life with him if he could not come clean about his preferences? He is a liar and its time to kick him out.

  3. #3
    Gold Member norsewoman's Avatar
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    I haven't gone through this, but just wanted to say this is not your fault. He lied, big time. I'm assuming you will be ending the relationship.

    I know this isn't what you want to hear right now, but you should get in to see the Doctor and have STD testing, including HIV. Your bf may have exposed you to some very nasty viruses.

    I'm very sorry and I hope you can hang in there...

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    Platinum Member Timebandit's Avatar
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    Misread post.

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  6. #5
    I can't say that I've ever been in your position, but I am very very sorry, and I know you must be distraught.

    I know that it must be hard to grasp the "omg, he has slept with other men!" shock, but just try to look past that for now. The big issue here is that he was lying and being deceitful all this time. I suggest that you don't attack him with questions and accusations, because it'll just make him put his wall back up as a defense.

    For the sake of argument, let's just go ahead and say that he's bisexual. Is that the worst thing in the world? Absolutely not. Not even close. But the lies....that's a really big deal. He has been hiding a huge part of himself from you. That's the big issue here. This is what you need to talk to him about. Approach him once you're calm and collected, and have a calm sit-down discussion with him. Ask him why he hid it from you, if he has had any other sexual encounters while y'all have been together, if he had safe sex with these men, etc. Also, you may want to consider getting tested for STD's, just for some peace of mind.

    He needs to know that he can open up to you without being attacked. So try to stay as calm as possible. Like I said, I know it's going to be difficult to get past the idea of your boyfriend sleeping with another man, but you cannot go into the discussion with this in your head. You need to focus on the trust that has been broken, and what to do next.

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    I don't think I would approach him at all. I'd leave, cut off all contact completely, and move on with your life. This is a toxic deceptive person that cares nothing about you - you can't care about someone and put their health at risk like he did to you.

  8. #7
    Member muffinhead's Avatar
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    Thank you all SOOOOO much for your words of encouragement. I agree, if I want to get answers from him and get him to completely open up, I need to be very strategic with how I approach. If I'm gentle and loving towards him, show him I'm not judging but rather looking to help and understand, perhaps that will make him feel comfortable to open up. Again, this literally just happened a few hours ago so I'm not sure what next steps are, or what the future hold for us? I haven't even had time to process this shocking blow, let alone decide if this is the end of our relationship. First thing I need is to get him to open up and tell me EVERYTHING. I need to know if he's gay, bi, confused or just horny for anything? Once I have a better feel for what I'm dealing with and I've had time to process it all, then I can start thinking about what's best for me.

    As much as I hate to even think about the possibility he could have given me some STD, you're all right, my health needs to take priority right now. My God, I can't believe that on top of all this pain I now have to deal with this, too!

    I lost my smile and my heart hurts - WHY is this happening to me ... WHY, Lord!?!?

    Again, thanks so much for writing me back. All day I've felt so scared and alone, your messages mean a lot and have truly helped. I've wanted to pick up the phone and call friends/family today, however, I know it wouldn't be right to involve them. So, having this message board as some sort of resource is the ONLY thing keeping my head up at this point.

    THANK YOU!!!!!!!

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    I'm so sorry for you that you are going through this right now, it must be awful, such a shock.

    I bet it feels like a whole new world has opened up to you, a very scary one.

    Has he been sleeping with these other people behind your back then whilst in the relationship with you, or was it before you? If so, then that is very bad and it can well be looked at like any other adulterous behaviour, which is very hard to forgive in itself, but to find out its other men must be so shocking.

    I guess finding out your man is attracted to both men and women makes it very hard to trust them, even more than a heterosexual man I would have thought.

    Main thing is now, is to get over the shock and don't blame yourself or feel worthless. You were not to know and there are hundreds of women out there who have been through the same thing. I hope someone contacts you on here, as I have definitely seen some people writing about the same issue on enotalone, even one girl walked in on her dad dressing up and was very upset.

    It doesn't need to spell the end of your relationship, but it depends on the level of deceit that took place.

    Try and stay calm and talk to him and hopefully he can be honest and you can get past this.

    Best of luck xxx

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    One thing I find weird...

    Threads where women talk about their bf's cheating on them with another woman, the unanimous response is "dump him". Yet this guy has cheated with multiple men and most people are saying it might be able to be worked out?

    Excuse my ignorance, but wth?

  11. #10
    I want to start out by saying that I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. My heart goes out to you. My step-daughter had the same thing happen to her with her ex-husband. After a few years of marriage and a two year old son, she found out her husband was seeing me. It has been almost four years since this came out in the open and they are divorced but have been able to maintain a level of friendship.

    Please do get yourself checked out with a doctor and I wish you the best.

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