Just found out my BF is in to men and tranny - PLEASE HELP!!!

[muffinhead]

I reread all your posts on this thread today, as this subject is on my mind a lot lately. The situation I'm in is very difficult, as I'm sure you can all understand. I appreciate your honesty, as hard as it is to read.


A few things I wanted to add ...


My boyfriend started experimenting with drugs like ecstasy about 10 years ago. It was at that time that he started to have this attraction to t-girls. Over the years, yes, he has been intimate with them, but never had a desire to date them or become romantically involved, it's strictly a bi fetish thing. He truly believes that doing ecstasy brought out this sexual openness he'd never been exposed to before. Thought I should share that. This is something he mentioned to me.


Also, To be fair, I should be honest about something else as well. I, too, have fantasized about being with someone of the same sex. Yes, I have had a few experiences, about 4 or so. For me, the thought of a woman pleasuring me orally, or me her, is a major turn on. I often wondered why I felt this way because I have NO INTEREST in dating women, not in the least bit. But, for whatever reason, I am really aroused by the thought of it? Again, I am not interested in falling in love with a woman though! You know, as a woman, I can tell anyone this and it's usually received with a positive response. For men, as in my bf's case, it's usually the opposite, folks seem to automatically think you're gay or whatever - why is that? I wonder if my situation is the same as bf's, that he feels the exact same way about t-girls that I feel about women? Does anyone else see the double standard here?


On a side note ....


I almost wonder if I know too much now? Are some things better left unsaid? Is it better to keep some things from your partner? I've always been someone that believes in 100% honesty, but I don't know anymore? Before I knew all this, I was fine. Now, because I know, I walk around constantly thinking about it. I get visuals and picture him with these t-girls and I'll burst into tears. Then, after a good cry, I'll be fine. I'm so up and down, it's killing me. What do you think, is not knowing sometimes better?


Again, thanks for tellin' it like it is. It's tough to read, however, I do appreciate it.


Best to you all!

[muffinhead]

Muffinhead - I really really feel for you in this, and I hope that you will take care of yourself first and get through this difficult time. I agree with the previous posters that the deception is probably the most unforgiving part. This kind of deception takes so many forms, but it's always so shocking to discover that someone you've gotten close to and trusted in hasn't been honest to you. I really feel for you, and I hope that we can give you some advice and encouragement to get you through this.




We don't know that he was having sex with men DURING their relationship. That wasn't specified in the initial post, so I think most of the posters so far have assumed that he's been doing this prior to their relationship.

He has not cheated on me - This was something that happened before we were together.

[Regeta]

I don't think I would approach him at all. I'd leave, cut off all contact completely, and move on with your life. This is a toxic deceptive person that cares nothing about you - you can't care about someone and put their health at risk like he did to you.

This is right.

This guy is toxic to your life, and the sooner you end it with him, the better.

My advise is to get all the information out of him that you need, and once you've gotten as many of your questions answered as you could, end it.

Cut him off once and for all, and never look back.

This monster will only continue to destroy your life, cause you endless pain, and prevent you from having a happier future.

[muffinhead]

As much as I'd prefer that he wasn't attracted to these "t-girls" .. I do love him, truly. Walking away from someone you love is probably one of the hardest things a person can do. In a world where no one seems to be loyal anymore, it's almost discouraged to stick it out in tough times. I call it the trade-up era. I'm the complete opposite of this. I really believe EVERYONE has something - something they're ashamed of, some deep-dark secret they'll never tell a soul. This is his deep-dark secret and I love him regardless. Isn't that truly love? Yes, keeping this from me initially was WRONG, I agree. However, who tells a new lover EVERYTHING about their past from day one? A person needs to earn that right, would you agree? Again, in no way am I making excuses for him! I'm not weak and insecure, I really love this person. I love the good AND bad, .. I love him unconditionally. I don't feel he's a monster.

I SINCERELY appreciate all the feedback, even if it's a bit hurtful to read. True, most the time, other folks can see things we can't when we're blinded by love. I value your opinion and feedback. In general, what you say makes TONS of sense. It's case by case though, right? My intuition is very strong and I DO NOT believe that he's a monster or that he'll destroy my life. I truly feel blessed to know this person. He's battling some serious demons and it's my pleasure to be here for him. I plan to stand by his side, regardless of this fetish he has. How could I gather information then turn around and leave him? He's suffering enough already, I couldn't do that to him. Through good times and bad, right? Easy to say and SO HARD to follow-through with!

Again, the feedback is great and in NO WAY is it offensive. Hurtful at times, yes, that's okay though. That's what this forum is here for, right? I'm seeking to understand, to get a feel for how other folks would handle this, etc.

[penelope13]

In theory this sounds very noble. But you should make sure that you love/ respect yourself as much as you respect him. Do not get swepped up in this 'savior' fantasy and make him an innocent victim of his desires.

Everyone has the right to his/ her own fetishes. There is nothing wrong with this. And as you said of course you are not putting out everything in the open at the beginning of a relationship.

What you have to figure out is if he is able to give up this side of him in order to be with you. Essentially we all have to make this choice regardless of our sexual preferences if we are willing to forsake all others in order for our one and only partner. In this context it doesn't matter if he is straight or bi. He just has to be willing not to live those fantasies if you are looking for a monogamous relationship.

[lady00]

He has not cheated on me - This was something that happened before we were together.

Well, if this is truly the case, then it's a lot harder to simply walk away. While lying is a big deal, I think there is a gray area when it comes to lying about sexual history. Many people simply do not ask about their partner's sexual history (except to ask about STD testing) because of the possibility of finding out information that would upset them. It sounds like he may have lied because he was afraid of getting this reaction. That isn't an excuse for lying, but at the same time, I don't know if I'd throw in in the same category as any other lie...it's a lie he shouldn't have told, but there is an argument to be made that he shouldn't have been put in a position where he had to explain or give an account of his sexual history.

A person is capable of being faithful even if they have had an attraction to people of a different gender or to people who are transgender. Just as a person who is 100% straight is capable of cheating.

[lavenderdove]

>>I DO NOT believe that he's a monster or that he'll destroy my life

You're missing the point here. Of course he's not a monster. He's a person who wants to have sex with trannies.

Your problem isn't that he's a monster, but that most people eventually accept their own sexuality fully and truly, and homosexuals do usually come out of the closet, many in their 40s. Once they decide within themselves that it is not a 'demon' they are fighting but their true self, and that there is nothing wrong with being a homosexual, they dump their wives like a hot rock and embrace the lifestyle.

So he may be the most lovely person in the world, and he is not a monster at all, but he is a homosexual who is turned on by trannies (or even potentially a homosexual tranny himself), and once he really accepts this is not a monstrous thing, he may flee the marriage into a loving relationship with a tranny.

So don't miss that point. That is the normal progression with most homosexuals, where they fight it for a long time, even marry, but eventually come out totally by their 40s, leaving their wife behind.

[Survictor]

I am so, so sorry that you are hurting so much and I do understand how betrayed you feel especially as you were planning a future with this man. I really believe that if you chose to remain with him, you would always have a feeling of quiet terror that he would sleep with a man or woman come to that, who did have HIV/AIDS; such is his selfishness.

I think that by telling you, he was warning you that he is unreliable and if I were you, I would take my advice and end this relationship. There is a man out there who wants to offer you friendship, loyalty, love, committment but it isn't your current b/f.

Please do move on because to stay with him will mean future heartache and always, always, that quiet, nagging terror.................

xxxxxxx

[lady00]

How do we know he is a homosexual? I got the impression that he is something akin to bisexual (not sure what the right word is here).

[incognito26]

i there,

Well….. I came accross your post and honestly I too am/was I suppose confused as to why "straight" men like Trannies ( a male turning female that still has the male penis). And i had to kill my confusion by "passing" for one. .yup, you heard right I did pass for one, how? I'll tell you. This is my 100% true story.. . This is where I will begin; I always knew of "bisexual" "Straight" only liking vagina, and "gay" to describe men who like either male or female sexually, or simply like vagina, or men-penis. Before I continue, please who ever reads this, I sure hope that I do not disrespect or offend anyone on here with the words that I choose to use. A little bit about me; I am an educated individual that minored in psychology and has always had a fascination on how we as humans think or define our sexual orientation or sexual identity from our childhood, adolescence to adulthood, or how we as humans think so differently about life, sex, gender, gender identity etc. . What I know from studying pyschology and from reading on TGS is that of course they were born MALE and most TGS go through their life associating themselves as Female ( mentally), and nothing but. Growing older most TGS from what I understand either grow older with anger issues, become or continue to be bitter in life because god gave them a body that resembles a male or to be more specific god gave them a PENIS…. Which most TGS from what I hear find repulsive and of course don’t feel complete as a women. OKAY!!! I get that,, I really doo.. this being said,,,,,and before I go on any further did I mention I am a handsome gay male? I am 5'7, fit, smooth skin, and 26 yrs of age with little muscle not bulky but toned. Sorry had to through in the handsome part there and I will explain why I say this a little bit further ahead. So yes, I am 26 yrs old man and I am attracted to men and men only and have been “gay” or “out” for almost 6 yrs now. Through my life I've had many encounters with men, some defined themselves as “straight” but still slept with me , some even defined themselves “bisexual” and some simply “gay”. You name it, I’ve had it. I’ve even been in threesomes where I was with two "straight" people male and female, and the male in the threesome touched me sexually and me him, but I never touched the female sexually. Because I came to terms at the age of twenty that I was fooling myself in believing that I liked girls. Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you that part of my teen yrs. I dated girls and even lost my virginity to a girl and even had sex with girls up until I met a very handsome boy that changed that for me. Okay, moving on, so basically I’ve been with a lot of men of course i always played safe during the encounters.

Now, knowing my background.. where is the part where I too am/was confused with “straight” men that sleep with TGS with a penis? Well, today is March 24, 2010 and last year around September 2009 I met a boy on an online site- which is mostly a sex oriented site. This boy, with G.F, met me and he told me he did not like men, but liked to suck on the penis and liked to have anal sex- basically a "straight" man that liked to f me in the ass but he did not want to kiss me at all, and all he wanted was a blow job and wanted to * * * * me in the ass because his GF did not know how to SUCK a good Penis and he liked anal sex, which he mentioned that his GF did not like so therefore he found men to do that with..… I was like, okay, whatever you're hot let’s meet and we did, and had GREAT sex…. Well, this is where I learned after having sex with this man that he too slept with TGS’.. he said “ I am sorry I do not kiss, I am totally “straight” and like girls a lot and TGS or (Trannies as I know them)… and those are the only girls I kiss… Then I was like,, wait a second,,, hold up.. I thought,, uh, hello a tranny was a man and is a man cuz of his penis, but simply puts on girls clothes and lets’ his hair long and puts implants ( at times) … I was like, what really? Okay, so I let it go.. then he told me he was dating a TG and he had no desire to date a male like me but only have sex with me.… I then was even more confused! To the max! Because I see these TGs’ at gay clubs that I go to and I see how they hang out with us gay boys in those clubs. And never in straight clubs. So here I am thinking how can a straight male like trannies and date trannies and not call him/her a male or call himself "straight" when by what i know from my "straight" male friends is that they only like vagina and feel repulsed by the mention of penis or seeing one, yet alone touch one. ? I don’t get it and didn't get him how he thought. . SO… I did research… well,, guess what I did? Yup, I dressed up as a girl, became a cross dresser.. I got a hot mini skirt, panties, and everything that resembled a girl, you name it I got it, and even a wig, which stayed put on really good.. Very expensive wig that looked like real hair. Well, I got these clothes because my intentions were to post an ad on a web-site where men post or look for trannies… So I did, just that.. I posted on a tranny site and said I was a male going through the change and that I was looking for a man to have some fun with and I took some pictures of myself ( dressed) and posted them online and OMG, within minutes of posting I must have got like 100 plus emails from men wanting to meet me. Some, made comments to my real pictures, like; wow u have such a hot ass and hot body, can I cum suck ur penis, you are so hot girl what’s ur name baby? Etc.. .. they thought I was a “girl” in their mind I was that a MTF. Anyway, I decided to meet one super hot, hot, hot male model that I thought well why not, come over and I will dress just like in the pictures.. he never asked if I was a tranny or a CD to him he was looking for sex with someone that resembled a “girl” and as long as this "girl" had a penis it was okay to meet and have a sexual encounter with... I was nervous as heck talking to him, shaking even, as it were going to be my first time with a male. I gave him my address and I said what do I have to lose right? If he is not convinced I’m a "girl"then he will get the hell out of my place or once he knew I was a male with a penis they he couldn't be straight and he either beat me or get the hell out of my place because he was "straight" and to know that i was a man with a penis then he would have felt disgusted. Oh, he even asked me while texting me, and while driving to my place if I was “passable” hell I did not know what that meant… So I said, sure… lol… anyway this boy shows up and he looked and me and said “GIRL you are so hot, OMG” those eyes, and that skin, flawless.. At this point I was in shock, this super hot, hot, hot “straight male” was kissing me, jerking me, sucking me, eating my butt out as if I were a REAL girl… and I told myself there is no way he actually thinks that I am, no WAY…. Well he did! And we were having amazing sex and even finished with us both cuming… when he left my place I was left so confused,, I said, W.T.F,, Did this really happen? This hot “straight man” really, he did think I was a tranny? A "Girl"??? he sucked me off and he had sex with me knowing my penis was there!!!! I was like no way he is "straight" what straight man sucks on penis.. come on!! Get out.!!! No way… so then I decide to post again two days after.. and again all the replies to me each and every man said they were "straight", this time I posted a sexy picture of my legs with hot female clothes and again,, , 100 plus emails came through like water running through the facet, I couldn’t even reply to them all they were so many.. MY god.. I kept saying to myself there is no way these men are “straight” can’t be, they must be in denial , bisexual, come on,, no way “straight” so here I was answering to these men,,, and even meeting these men, and each time I did I took that opportunity to pick their heads.. I found out a few things,, most told me that the only way they would suck a penis is if I looked like a “girl” but I said; girls don’t have a penis,, so ur “bi” most kept saying “NO” they don’t like men, so I told them I was a man and that I simple dressed up and put on fake boobs, they didn't care that I was a man and as long as I looked like a "girl" they enjoyed sucking a penis.. WOW... Anyway the longer i picked their mind this was my discovery; out of 20 men I met as a "tranny" or "c.d" this with, all super hot, may I ad… most of them had G.F, some were married, and all were “straight” some told me they were unhappy in their marriage, some had no father figure, some suffered from depression, some were hoarders, some were simply confused about their sexuality and the list goes on with my findings. I since stopped "passing" as a girl. The craziest thing though, and in my findings, were that only 2 men felt anger when I told them I was a man, they didn’t want to hear that and left my house after angry for telling them that… .. To them I was “Samantha” ( my made up "girl" name and not “Carlos” they would not call me by my boy name.. at all.. out of those 20 men, they would keep coming back for more sex- BJ’s , anal sex, and I would always dress up for them each time we had sex- And i would continue to pick their head/mind even more by asking more questions. I kept finding new things each time. Most told me they would never date or go out with trannies and all they were to them was a fetish, a sex toy, a play object, something taboo , again, the most popular word they used was "A FETISH" which i found to be very rude… I asked if I was a fetish being a man that dressed as a girl and they said YES.. .. but from those 20 men , six of them were single and the rest married and or had G.Fs. They were lonely, they had failed marriages, having problems in their marriage or their family structure was unstable was what i gathered ever further. From those six men, which were super hot, model looks, all 6 of them would text me, call me, each time they got horny, and each time they were more curious than the first time.. It came to the point where they were not tops anymore they were the receiver ( bottom ) and I was the giver ( top) during anal sex.. we kissed, talked, hung out and even had amazing conversations during or after sex. Maybe they were lonely? I don't know. So,, here I am dressing up as a girl for these 20 men,,, I could have been able to sleep with more though, but I stopped, these men would suck my penis as a “girl” and even treated me as a "girl" during sex. They called me “baby” ,, “ sweetie” etc… we connected to say the least. So here goes the final twist, ready? From all these men that would come back to me for more sex, I slowly “revealed” my true self to them as “Carlos” a boy who likes boys …. Guess what? They all stayed and wanted to date me now AS A BOY!!!! They had no problem being with me sexually and treating me the same as "samantha" ( my girl name) we still had good sex but kinky sex,,,i would wear panties now, or simply girl clothing …. Anyway, out of those six men that I now was seeing as a BOY I ended up dated one boy who at the time I was seeing as a "girl" broke up with his G.F and now we are a couple. Now,, you tell me, could these men be suppressing their feelings sexually for men in regards to sex? I think so. My current boyfriend that was one of those 20 men that liked trannys told me several times that he slept with trannies, TG's/TS because he didn’t want to admit that he liked men and that being with a “female” with a penis it didn’t make him that "GAY" Bcuz to him sucking on a penis that looked like a girl wasn't being gay it was being with a "girl" To conclude, in my FIRST hand research as being or passing for a “tranny” . , or "C.D" these men had no problem being with me as a boy or girl either. Bottom line, these men enjoyed the penis more than they did the vagina, they were all in this for the penis, and as long as I had some fem clothing that was okay... as long as they did not find me as a "boy" they were okay with being with me sexually. Bottom line from those 20 men I only connected fully mentally and sexually with one he met me as a"girl" and then eventually as a "boy" and he liked me either way. He could have been the bisexual or one of those bisexual men, but yet again, he told me at the time that he was "straight" and that he didn't find men or masculinity attractive at all. Now, here we are this boy that i met as a "girl" is now with me and we are dating exclusively,,, maybe he was really "gay" or "bi" and he was suppressing his true feelings by calling himself "straight" ? I don't know, the point is that we are dating now as two men.
Anyway, sorry this is a long reply, but this is me telling you my true 100% story and my findings to my curious question if these men were "straight" who slept with TGs - I am a gay male who too was confused about these "straight" men that sleep with trannies and I had find out by "passing" as one and even talking fem and walking fem!?? ( Because honestly I am not Fem, in fact very masculine ) And my conclusion to this outcome is the above. These men after several encounters, sexual, they even had sex with me as a boy and they didn't care either way anymore. Crazy huh? With this conclusion I leave this forum...Sincerly, me, Carlos a 26 yr old gay male that is now in love and in relationship with a very good looking man that use to sleep with trannies. Sorry for this long reply, hope that any words that I used here doesn't offend anyone. I did not mean too at all. This is my first hand research to this Quetion above and my findings, and my outcome. Also, i am sorry for some typos or even the way this answer goes all over the place. I am at work and I've been multi-tasking all at once.. I am sorry for the messy reply and structure. Hope you get my drift though. Sincerely, Carlos.