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Thread: Just found out my BF is in to men and tranny - PLEASE HELP!!!

  1. #11
    Silver Member thebluest's Avatar
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    Muffinhead - I really really feel for you in this, and I hope that you will take care of yourself first and get through this difficult time. I agree with the previous posters that the deception is probably the most unforgiving part. This kind of deception takes so many forms, but it's always so shocking to discover that someone you've gotten close to and trusted in hasn't been honest to you. I really feel for you, and I hope that we can give you some advice and encouragement to get you through this.


    Originally Posted by InBruges
    One thing I find weird...

    Threads where women talk about their bf's cheating on them with another woman, the unanimous response is "dump him". Yet this guy has cheated with multiple men and most people are saying it might be able to be worked out?

    Excuse my ignorance, but wth?
    We don't know that he was having sex with men DURING their relationship. That wasn't specified in the initial post, so I think most of the posters so far have assumed that he's been doing this prior to their relationship.

  2. #12
    Member muffinhead's Avatar
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    Thanks again for all your messages - I sincerely appreciate it!!

    Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. I had to take a long look at not only my relationship, but at myself, as well. I decided the best strategy was to be loving and understanding with my boyfriend. If he felt the love and warmth from me, I figured he'd be more likely to be honest with me. Also, I have to be real with myself about what I may have done to contribute to his inability to tell me about this. So, I took a deep breath and wrote him an email. I wanted him to read it and know he has my love and support, and that if he were honest with me, we could get through anything together. So, here's the email I sent him yesterday:



    "Before I begin, you should know that I've been struggling to fight back my tears all day. With that being said, please forgive me in advance if this email is all over the place. Don't focus so much on the scrambled up sentences, or misspelled words. Instead, I hope you can see and feel that this comes straight from the deepest, most pure place in my heart.

    Where should I begin? I guess the first thing I want you to know is that my heart goes out to you. I see that you're truly suffering and that you have been for some time now. I'm very sorry you've had to endure all this for so long. I need you to know (because perhaps I didn't show you enough before) that you have my unconditional support. Do you hear me? It was never my intention to make you feel any worse than you already feel. I'm sorry if I've contributed to your pain in any way.

    The only thing I want to do is be here for you, ... period! You're fighting some serious demons, babe, I see that now. As I sat here for hours thinking about all this, adding everything up, things became very clear to me. My eyes are suddenly open - I see now, and I'm sorry I didn't see it before, what I need to do. Part of loving someone (friend, family or significant other) means, as hard as it may be, often times we have to set our own feelings/pain aside and focus all our energy into helping the person we love. I feel that, as your partner & your friend, someone you tried to confide in, that I have failed you. Knowing that I let you down, that I didn't provide a safe place for you to turn to, absolutely kills me. The disappointment I feel is not just in you, but in my self as well.

    I thought a lot about you today. In fact, I thought about you all day. As much as I think I get a feel for what you're going through, I'm sure I'll never fully understand the depth of your pain. If you're shame/suffering is anything near what I can only imagine it to be, it's practically a miracle you've been able to hold your head up at all.

    So, with all the love I have to offer, I come to you with my arms and my heart wide open. Let me in, babe. Let me share this terrible, awful burden with you! In fact, if it were at all possible, I'd even take this entire burden from you and lay it all on my shoulders, ... that's how deep my love runs for you. Do you hear me? Do you understand that I WANT to share this pain with you? That I love you so much that I'm willing to go through this hell with you, and burn forever if that's what I have to do. That's true love and that's exactly what I signed up for. I'm not running away from you or from any of OUR problems. Instead, let us both face them head on and do what we should have been doing all along, ... Run straight into each other's arms and find that safe place we've both been desperately searching for.

    Signed with all the love imaginable"


    Now, in no way was I telling him that his dishonesty was okay. However, I did want him to know that he has someone he can count on. Sending him that email was the best thing I could have done. I'm very proud of myself for letting go of my own ego and finding the capacity to love him, even in the darkest of times. That act of love was what he needed to open up and be honest with me about EVERYTHING. When he got home, we sat on the couch and the flood gates opened, he held nothing back. I know it took an enormous amount of courage on his part and I'm very proud proud of him for taking that step. There's a lot of shame and confusion on his part, he doesn't understand why he has the desire to be with men. That shame and disgust he felt for himself is what led to the deceit.

    So here's the deal: Yes, he is sexually attracted to men and has been for about 10 years or so. It's not exactly men he's attratced to, it's men that look like woman, have breasts but still have their penis. The turn on for him is that it's a woman with a penis. He told me how many of those types of people he's been with, how he met them, where they'd meet, what they would do and when the last time this occurred. (there was no intercourse, it was mutual oral sex - no exchange of fluids and he was always very safe) I just sat there and listened to him, my heart open the time time. No judgement at all. Here's a man who has been living with this terrible secret for 10 years and it's destroyed his self esteem. He said it made him feel like he was a freak and a pervert. It broke my heart to watch him, this person I love dearly, sit there in so much pain like that.

    After we talked, he made it very clear that he has no interest in dating these types of men. It's not something he thinks about on a daily basis, it comes and goes at random. He said he does love me and doesn't want to lose me, however, he also understood that he was risking losing me after this all came out.

    I've given this a lot of thought. I have to be real with myself. No one is without fault. Everyone faces demons in their life. Why should I end our relationship just because he's been intimate with people of the same sex? If he were gay, that would be a deal breaker, no question about it, but he's not. He's simply someone who is turned on by kinky things, period. Now, there's still the issue of his deceit about all this. But I see why he wouldn't tell me. We've been together 14 months now and this is something you don't just tell anyone. Especially when it's something you aren't proud of, you know? You do have an obligation to your partner though, when the relationship becomes serious and there's a potential for a future together. This was our crossroads and took the opportunity to finally be honest, even though I could have turned on him and made him feel even worse. Instead, because he knew it was the right time to come clean, he did just that. In a way, him opening up to me and sharing this with me, brought us closer together. He got to really see how deeply I love and care for him and it bonded us. It's only when we're faced with challenges in life that we learn and grow as people. When you face things challenges in a relationship and you work to overcome them together, you grow as a couple. That's love. Love is so much more than just being with someone when times are good. It's about sticking together, especially when you face hard times. When you attack things together and have open communication, you really become one. That's exactly what happened with us last night. Our relationship shifted and this situation brought us closer.

    Truthfully, I didn't know how I'd feel if he did decide to tell me everything. There was the possibility that I would be repulsed by him. I wasn't though. That also showed me that my love for him is true, it's solid. I'm still very attracted to him and I'll do whatever it takes to help him. If he hadn't opened up and been honest with me last night, I was prepared to leave him. As much as I love him, I can't be with someone who dishonors me. As hard as it is to walk away from someone you love, I know I'm strong enough to do it if I have to.

    Moving forward, we have some work to do, of course. Also, because this is a fantasy he really enjoys, I'm okay with watching porn or playing in the bedroom. We've always been very playful with sex anyway and I have no doubt we can get creative with this as well. That does NOT mean I am open to inviting other people into our bedroom or that I'd let him go outside the relationship for sex. Now that I'm not kay with. I made that very clear to him last night. I did let him know that he doesn't need to be ashamed to explore this fantasy with me.

    I know many people would say I should leave and that I'm making a huge mistake. To those people I'd like to say, why? Where's the real loyalty in people these days? When you leave someone because there are problems, you're only trading up for a new set of problems when you start a new relationship. The way I see it, when you have a true connection with someone, you have to communicate and face those problems as a team. That's what separates a relationship that works and doesn't. It's all about finding someone you're ready to go through all the B.S. with.

    Again, thank you all for reaching out to me and sharing your words of encouragement. I love this site!

    Cheers!

  3. #13
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
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    Honey, please be careful here. Don't miss the forest for the trees. While you're basking in your togetherness here, don't forget that he has just confessed that he really, really likes penises, which you don't have!

    It has nothing to do with being a freak or a pervert, but his sexual attraction/orientation. Many people who are gay go thru a long period of feeling freakish and ashamed, during which they may well marry and produce children with a woman, but eventually they decide they're not freakish, or they don't care, and that their true self is gay or transvetite/gay or whatever. Then they leave their wife and family to pursue that lifestyle. It isn't just an orientation, but a whole way of life.

    I know many 'understanding' women who are divorced because they make that choice to try to 'rehabilitate' or 'accept' a gay man who is not happy with his own orientation, but who eventually makes peace with it and then bolts the marriage. So you may be fine for 10 or 15 or even 20 years, then get left in middle age when he decides life is short and whatever he wants sexually is OK so he's going to go out and get it.

    Approach this with EXTREME caution, because this isn't a garden variety problem like he needs to quit smoking, or he cheated once with a woman when he was drunk. This is a MAJOR sexual orientation issue, and i wouldn't even consider going forward with this relationship unless you both went to couples counseling to explore what is really going on here.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
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    Yes, he is sexually attracted to men and has been for about 10 years or so. It's not exactly men he's attratced to, it's men that look like woman, have breasts but still have their penis. The turn on for him is that it's a woman with a penis. He told me how many of those types of people he's been with, how he met them, where they'd meet, what they would do and when the last time this occurred. (there was no intercourse, it was mutual oral sex - no exchange of fluids and he was always very safe) I just sat there and listened to him, my heart open the time time. No judgement at all. Here's a man who has been living with this terrible secret for 10 years and it's destroyed his self esteem.
    Wow sweetie. Your update was most akin, I think, to a neatly typed wall of denial.

    I honestly don't think that there's anything to say because you say it here:
    Why should I end our relationship just because he's been intimate with people of the same sex? If he were gay, that would be a deal breaker, no question about it, but he's not. He's simply someone who is turned on by kinky things, period.
    You clearly are not ready to face the truth. When you are, this board will be here.

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  6. #15
    Silver Member trezeralietas's Avatar
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    I love your huge heart and open acceptance! It really is rare to find someone with your courage and love. You being willing to put your own ego aside to listen to him and let him finally come clean is really, really amazing. It takes a big person.

    However, I think I do have to agree with Ms Darcy and lavenderdove on some points. I honestly believe you are dealing with a man who has not completely come to terms with his own sexuality. I think there is a very strong possibility that he is gay, or at least bisexual. There is something about the penis that turns him on. Men have penises, therefore, it sounds like he is attracted to men, which means he is gay. Perhaps he likes pre-op transgendered guys because they look like women--which is still acceptable, but then they have the male part, which is what he is really attracted to. It's just safe because he hasn't come to terms with fully admitting attraction to men. Just plain, straight-up penis, no female parts, men.

    I could be completely off, but there are some alarms going off for me. Of course, you know exactly what he has said and not said, etc, so please take everything said here with a huge grain of salt.

    Just keep your eyes open, along with your heart. The best thing you can do is love him like you are. Sexuality is very complicated and not black and white like a lot of people seem to think. Many, many, many kudos to you for being such an amazingly giving and loving person. You are inspirational to me.

    Also: Your email was beautiful and exactly right. He is very, lucky to have you.
    Last edited by trezeralietas; 11-07-2009 at 12:45 AM. Reason: Adding another thought I forgot to mention

  7. #16
    Bronze Member monkeygirl12's Avatar
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    im not one to judge, but a man that sleeps with ONE man...is either gay or bi..no questions about it..there is not middle line of being kinky or liking different things...hes turned on by MEN...this puts a dent in your intimacy with him..are you sure you can be ok with sleeping with him knowing he might be thinkin of another man? if hes lookin at men porn or tranny porn that means thats what he likes the MOST, what he fantasizes about..not women...and you're a woman...big ego bruise..

    I know its important to be understanding, but DONT forget about YOU in the process.. I see you thinking about being understanding about his feelings and how HE feels.natural to do that as women, but its where we go wrong. To be honest its very hard to see a future with you guys in this situation..now that hes finally came out and told you his secret it could be his venue to openly do this now...are you going to be OK with him wanting to be with trannys? because he did it and hid it when you didnt know..what makes you think he is not gonna want to do it now?? if this is what he likes and hes obviously acted one it before...are you ready to be with a man who openly cheats or has relations with others?

    what about YOUR FEELINGS? how YOU feel? did he consider you? nope.


    something to think about.

    what I would do??

    with all the given facts and the CLEAR TRUTH ..I WOULD DUMP HIM but thats just ME.. hes into men so he could be gay or bi, hes lied

    just be careful hun!!! DONT SETTLE FOR LESS and please take care of YOU, LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYONE..i really dont think your doing much of that..its not your place to cure or help anyone but yourself at the end of the day he will still be attracted and will WANT to ENGAGE IN THE SEX hes BEEN engagin in..and you are still going to be in the same positon.

    take care
    Last edited by monkeygirl12; 11-07-2009 at 12:32 PM.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
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    ^^
    And I also agree with other posters that a man who likes to have sex with other men regardless of whether that other man is wearing a dress or a wig or whatever, is gay. That is the definition of gay, being attracted to men, and if the person has a penis, they're a man.

    If you are lucky he is bi- and not a cheater, but i really do think you need to very carefully evaluate whether he won't leave you in future if he meets a gay man he feels an overwhelming attraction for. It's not like he had a single encounter as an experimental teen, he's been feeling this way for 10 years!

    If you spend a lot of time building him up and telling him it is OK to have this attraction, then he may believe it himself and feel good enough to leave you to pursue a man. There are lots of pitfalls here and the danger is for you, not him. He wins either way, but if he decides to keep pursuing men, then you're the one who gets left behind or cheated on.

    I see you are 33 years old, and many times gay men will marry for around 10 years, have a couple kids, and carry on their liaisons with other men without telling their wives. Then they eventually meet a guy they fall in love with, and leave. I really suggest you talk to a counselor to understand what you're dealing with here, and the odds of this working out well for YOU. Most of these gay men feel bad that they realized they were living a lie by trying to be married and don't mean to hurt their wives, but eventually they are true to themselves and do leave, when one of their gay affairs turns into love rather than just sex.
    Last edited by lavenderdove; 11-07-2009 at 01:32 PM.

  9. #18
    Silver Member vivia12's Avatar
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    i'm sorry but if this brother is on the down Low i'd say No No No,why put up with this,even if its a woman would it be better,i dont think so,hell no!

  10. #19
    Member muffinhead's Avatar
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    Trez - Thank you for your kind words!

    I have a lot to process and think about, that's for sure. The days to come will unfold as they should I suppose.

  11. #20
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    First, and foremost, you need to get tested for STDs. So does he. Don't be in denial about that. Even if he wasn't doing this while he was with you. There is no way he could have had oral without fluid exchange unless a condom was on it the whole time. And don't believe him if he says it was. because even "just that one time" is enough. You CAN get STDs even if there is no ejaculation if there are sores, etc, - a sore in someone's mouth and a small cut on someone's privates could be enough for some STDs.

    I think it was fine with what you did and be there for him, but there is a difference between being supportive in a loving way and considering what you want in a life partner. You have to be honest with yourself. Maybe you can love him, but he might not be the one to spend your life with.

    As far as the sharing and opening up - there is a difference between being kinky and being bisexual, and there is also a difference in being someone who just likes the thrill of risk. If it were just kink, he would be satisfied with you putting a strap on once in awhile, or it might be able to be channeled into something else that was kinky. But from what you wrote I feel that it is more than just kinky. By finding these folks, it is not just like going up to the local watering hole and locking eyes with someone. There is some cloak and dagger involved. There are people who are transvestitite and transexuals who otherwise live pretty average lives - go to work, go home, don't sleep with anyone but their partner, all the stuff everyone else does - but the people he is meeting aren't those people. It takes a lot of secrecy and effort and deception.

    It may feel warm and fuzzy now, but honestly, if he needs a stress reliever down the road or, like someone who has a gambling addiction, he takes a risk when something is triggered - it won't even be what you do or are not doing but it could be random things....what is going to happen?

    I think he needs more help than you can give. Do not try to "fix things" or sort him out, he needs to do this on his own. I would be very clear with yourself that you aren't going to sleep with him right now. You are going to both get tested for STDs and you are going to take that space for you to both do some healing.

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