My BF is too friendly with his ex...or is it just jealousy?

Ok please bare with me because I need to vent and also get good advice so I need to tell the whole story.

This post is concerning the relationship my BF has with his 6yr old son's mother.

My BF and I are both in our 30's and he only has one child that stays 3 hrs away. I've always been told that I'm his first real relationship and that his son's mother is a friend that he's had for 10 yrs and that she was basically a one night stand but got pregnant. He wasn't looking to have a child but is blessed to have his one and only child...he simply adores him.

Anyway, while I was present he called her about 4-5 months into our relationship and told her that he was in a relationship. Then he goes on to say that he never told her that they will be together or lead her on in any way. He promised her that nothing will change and he will continue to help her. We now live together and that phone call was a year ago.

Well, a couple of months ago she caught the Greyhound and brought their son here for a week while staying at her sister's. He mentioned to me that she wanted to go to the museum with him and his son to get out. I told him that it wasn't his responsibility to get her out and about. He was saying how she can get free tickets or whatever. Well a couple of days later I brought it up again saying I wasn't cool with it. He said ok don't worry about she's won't go then and that's the end of it.

Well, about two days later I was over his house and picked up his digital camera expecting to only see the pics that we had taken with all the kids on our day out together. I come accross two pics of her and their son at the museum! I felt hurt, betrayed, and lied to. We got into it for the first time ever. I didn't tell him then about the pics. We argued because I told him I knew he was lying. I told him that he's too busy trying to reassure her that nothing has changed. I did confess about finding the pics about 3 weeks later after getting tired of hearing I was tripping.

We've only been living together for a month. But I get pissed off while he's sitting up on the phone talking to her 30 or 45 mins every couple of days.He said that with his son only being 6 that he only holds his attention for a couple of mins and that he really gets all the info about his son from her but don't really want to hear about the other things she talks about.

He pulled me to the side to discuss how I have to trust him and understand that he has to have a friendship with her. Which that I understand but I told him that I did trust him and he lied to me. He said how it was a rare thing for her to be in town so yes he took her to the movies. ....another slip up. I figured she went everywhere with them.

My whole thing is that it wouldn't be cool for him to be out with another female so why should she get a pass just because she's his son's mother. He told me how much he loves me and how he wants to be a good father figure for my kids and a better father to his son. He told me how he's here with me and if he wanted her they would be together. He travels to his hometown where she lives during the holidays to spend time with his son. I feel like they are like a little family together when I'm not around. I've never met her plus he took our pic down while she was here. (Wasn't living with me then). I just feel that I'm not coming first...after the kids of course.

Am I really being petty? Should I be concerned? Am I wrong to expect their relationship to change? He said that he understands that it has to but can I really trust that? He even told me that he wish there was someone that I could talk to about this so I can understand. I didn't want to talk to my family or friends about my relationship soooooooo here I am.

Thanks for all comments!

Hi 2nd! Welcome to eNA!

While I can see that you may be a bit uncomfortable about his relationship with another woman, I think it might be best to let this sleeping dog lie. I think it is very admirable that he is being such a good father to his son. I also think his son is very lucky to have two parents that get along with each other. Would you rather he hate her and show that when he sees her and his son? I bet not.

I am not trying to rub you the wrong way by saying this, but I think you are acting a little selfishly. He is right, if he wanted to be with the mother of his son, he would be. He has known her for a very long time and for you to ask him not to have any interaction or friendship with her is a little unfair. It is putting him in a bad position. Granted, him lying to you is unacceptable, but maybe he felt cornered and was trying to spare your feelings and an argument.

I really think you should try to relax and give him the benefit of the doubt. Can you sit him down and tell him you will try to accept the friendship with her, as long as you are included on what they do? Maybe you could meet her and become more of a part of your b/f and his son's life. Show her you aren't going anywhere and show her you are there for her son as well. Maybe you could even start a friendship with her??? Stranger things have happened! My Mom and Dad divorced many years ago, both remarried and now my Mom (who is now a widow) is very very good friends with my Dad and my step-mom. They put their pasts aside and opened their hearts to each other and it is great!

I hope you don't think I was putting you down, I was just giving you an 'outsiders' perspective.

Hope it helped!

God Bless

OK, I have read all of your post. I do remember you posting something about this a while ago, is that right?

I wouldnt be ok with this either. Mostly because he lied to you about going to the museum. How the hell did you manage to not let him know you had seen the pics straight away and left it for three weeks? I wouldn't have been able to.

I think he is correct in that he has to have some sort of relationship with her in order to get along for their son's sake, but not to take her out to the movies! That is like going on a date. How would he like it?

I think there will always be an amount of jealousy there, because I think its very hard for partners who have partners with kids to understand. I don't think I could be with someone who had children with someone else, but basically, lying to you and taking her out to the movies is just overstepping the mark.

If he is to spend time with her AND THEIR SON, then it should be done together, as in your be present aswell. He needs to arrange for you to meet with her also and get to know her on the same level as him. I don't see any need for him to take her out on her own without the son.

Thanks MCA1975...I'm new to the site so I didn't post this before. Their son was with them when they went to the movies. We had a family day together with my boys and his son and it was great...I just wasn't included in any of the other plans for the remainder of the week. As far as the pics I didn't want to appear as being a snoop even though I had a key to his apartment and the camera was right there on the pc desk.

Thanks again,

I just think that you need to be included in the plans in future, then I think it could work. You may even like each other. Maybe your man is worried about you meeting in case you don't get on. Would you feel better if you met each other...

Thank you so much TechResQ!

I agree with your comment and you didn't rub me the wrong way. Yes, I can be selfish at times I'll be the first one to admit that. But I just felt like he broke my trust and why would he go through so much to make sure SHE is comfortable? I do want them to have a decent friendship for the sake of their son but just feel that it will have to be a different one. She's not use to him being in a relationship. I shouldn't feel like an outsider in my own relationship. I will really try to let this go but I felt that if I did, it would just get worse. Like I said he's reassuring her that nothing's changed. I don't feel that he would be ok if I was running around here and there with my children's father if he told me he had a problem with it especially with someone that's emotionally attached.

Thanks again!

Very difficult situ, because more often than not the ex does still have emotional feelings...

I suppose this is what goes with the territory of this kind of thing..

But definitely ask about meeting her and being included.

My cousin has a son with another girl and he has a relationship. His girlfriend is very much involved with taking him out and picking up the little boy and it works quite well and she can be quite jealous at times, but he def doesnt chat to her on the phone for 30mins or go out alone with her.....

I don't like that, that he chats to her for that long.....

My ex did that with the mother of his ex and it turned out he was keeping her hanging and winding her up....

Yes, I would feel better if we met. You know it's one thing to hear of another person but another thing to actually see them. Yes, she's aware of me but like I said with him hiding our pic and spending a week taking her here and there then she might feel as I really don't matter much since nothing has changed.

I think I need to just focus on us and keep her out of the equation except when it comes to his son.

I just think that you need to be included in the plans in future, then I think it could work. You may even like each other. Maybe your man is worried about you meeting in case you don't get on. Would you feel better if you met each other...

I agree with you and you SHOULD be a part of his life in every aspect...you do live together! He should definitely be including you in what he does and he shouldn't ever lie to you.

I do believe he is probably afraid of how his friendship with her might come accross to you and in some aspects he probably feels like he needs to hide some of it to protect himself and you (not that he is cheating, but that he wants to avoid conflict...with EVERYONE). He honestly sounds like a pretty compassionate and kind guy. If so, you are lucky. ;-) And I hear ya on the jealousy issue...it has reared it's ugly head with me MANY times. Hang in there and really try to talk to him about it in a non-confrontational way. Just ask him to include you and introduce you to her. I'll bet he will actually breathe a sigh of relief! Hope so anyway.

Take care!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I have feel in love with this site already....so many years of bottled emotions could have been posted lol Thanks again seriously you helped a lot

Take care!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I have feel in love with this site already....so many years of bottled emotions could have been posted lol Thanks again seriously you helped a lot

Take care!

This site is awesome and has helped me SO many times. Great people, who care and want to help are here everyday. You take too!

Yes! Whats essential here is pure honesty and to be INVOLVED in it all, so you don't feel left out. Hopefully you can talk and put this accross and act on it. Good Luck, glad you feel better!

Hello,

Well I hate to disagree here with some of the ppl, but I say letting him go off with his ex as his pleases, and furthermore not tell you about it is ridiculous. I understand that it is important to put children first, but what sort of values is this child learning? That it is okay for daddy to be really close (if not romantically involved) with two women? How will that affect his life growing up, and the relationships that he has when he gets older? There needs to be a seperation here, that although she is the mother, and deserves that respect, family outings without your knowledge and not including you are wrong.

This sentence alone throws up huge alarm flags to me: "He travels to his hometown where she lives during the holidays to spend time with his son".

Why doesn't he invite you, and furthermore, does he stay at her house? How certain are you they do not sleep in the same bed? The fact that he leaves a lot of stuff out and purposely does not tell you, can mean he is trying to hide there is more to the relationship then there seems. It seems to me that this has happened a lot, and if you intend to stay with him, the line has to be drawn somewhere. If you don't mind me asking, do you think the son is old enough to recognize that "Daddy and Mommy are not together, and Daddy loves some one else?" While I agree with others here that it is good for parents who aren't together to have some sort of level of understanding, so they are able to communicate about the child's needs, your boyfriends over attentiveness to her is way out of hand.

"I feel like they are like a little family together when I'm not around. I've never met her plus he took our pic down while she was here. (Wasn't living with me then)."

This also tells me something is majorly wrong. He is purposely pushing you aside, and hiding you, and both her and him are likely using their son to keep their relationship going. You said they went to the movies when she was in town with their son, but how certain are you that the son even came? If these are only a few instances that you have caught him lying to you about it, chances are there are a lot more. I know us women are easily swayed by men who tell us "I only love you" and "We are just friends" but especially the fact he doesn't include you must be telling you something in the back of your head. And if anything, his reiteration that you need to "Trust him" and he repeatedly proves otherwise, should be your signal that you need to confront him about his behavior and that it needs to stop, or that you should find some one who would honor you and your relationship as what comes first, because you deserve it!

I currently have a boyfriend who has an ex-girlfriend and a 9 year old son. Before him and I met, they had some bizarre form of a friendship that consisted of something not unlike what you are describing. The ex was married, and even had another baby with her husband. She cheated on my bf from the moment they were together, got pregnant, had their son, and left for the man she was cheating with. (Her now husband). They got 50/50 joint physical/legal custody. My bf says that if he didn't change the locks, she would have been likely coming over from her husband's home on the weekends, and sleeping over with their son. My bf tried to have a friendship with her, for the sake of their son. But to her, it was like having two men. They would go to church on Sundays when he had custody, and her husband and baby would sit on one side, and my bf and their son on the other, with her happily in the middle. One happy messed up polygamist family.

My bf once told me, when his ex and his son lived with him while they were still together, she kept a picture of the man she cheated with in her home office. Then later on, when they were split up and she was married to her now husband, when my bf would come to exchange their son at her work, he noticed a picture of her and her husband turned towards the visitor seats for everyone to see, but she also had one of herself, him, and their son, that was turned towards her on the desk, just for her.

When my bf met me, that changed. Because first of all, I wouldn't put up with it. And the ex hated my guts for taking away her "fall-back guy". As time went on, I developed a good relationship with his son. He began to recognize that for each man, there is only one woman. That relationships aren't made up of "Mommy, Daddy, and Mommy's other man". And that his dad and I loved each other. And my bf and I worked hard to put boundaries in place for the ex, so that his son will not grow up, and do exactly what she did to his father - cheat on him for 5 years.

From my experience, him "just having a one night stand with her and winding up with a kid" is likely not the whole story. Even if it were true, ppl who have a one night stand with someone and end up with a child, rarely completely refrain from having a romantic/sexual relationship with that person even if it was "just that one time".

I'm sorry to be the only one here with this point of view, but sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. If he truly was "compassionate and understanding" and you were just "being selfish" then he would understand your concerns and do better about making sure that while he still kept a relationship with his son, it was completely separate from his relationship with his ex. And she would only be required communication if it were about the son's important life issues. If his son were a teen, and you all were to go out, perhaps that would not be as much of a problem. But the fact that she is unmarried and without a partner, and continues to maker her presence known under the guise of their son, and your bf refuses to include you with the three of them, can only mean it will likely get worse, not better. It is in fact 'convenient' that she lives 3 hours away, so that he can make it seem like he doesn't see her as often as he likely does.

At this stage in the game, I understand, as a woman, you are probably looking for stability, support, and a partner who you can trust and will listen to what you have to say. Someone who you may want to marry someday. That means it is important now that you find out if he is worthy of that, or if he would continue to lead his double life well after you both have tied the not. If he can't agree to have a relationship where he sees and spends time with his son without her present, then perhaps he has not moved on completely and is not ready to be in a monogamous relationship with someone else yet.

It is you that should be put first here, not her, no matter if they have a son or not. If every woman who had a child with a man was put first over any other woman in the man's life, there would be a lot of old unmarried men out there. The child is also first as well, in a different way, and if this relationship is serious and could lead to marriage, there should be more bonding with you, your bf and his son, without the ex, to reaffirm that the two of you together are just as important in the boy's life. And he may just grow up to be able to realize that, and perhaps be able to have normal relationships of his own someday. This bonding would show the son and the ex too, that you are an important part of your bf's life, and his son is an important part of your life.

I think you are exactly right in how you feel, and that even if it is hard, you have to make the right decision of what you want. Women often deserve and could do better way more than for what they often settle with. If your bf doesn't understand that you want a relationship with him and his son without her as the centerpiece, then he doesn't deserve someone as caring and understand as you.

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I started this post. I start here and read all the posts and then when I got to the last post by digital_girl I started crying. That's exactly how I feel today and wish I had paid more attention or kept reading it over and over until I got it. Now I'm sitting here a year later wondering was he even worth it and why am I settling? What made me think about the site and log in today is because my bf just called his father and was telling him that he won't be there (his hometown where his son and all his family live) for Thanksgiving but will be there for Christmas and for his son's birthday which is a couple of days after Christmas. I asked him last week about our holiday plans and he said of course he wants to be their for his birthday but it doesn't have to be all about him. See, of course he plans on going solo and catching the bus. We got into it before when he was talking about going back home and I said that I was going too. He starts talking about that he doesn't need a babysitter and how he wants to spend some time with his family and how I couldn't stay at his parents with him because we aren't married....you know some BS. I did finally meet the parents and his son's mother when we went to pick up his son for a week and take him back this summer. His son's mother shook my hand and said nice to meet you but had hate in her eyes. I'm not stupid I knew the reason why. Well, I actually had to make him introduce me to her. I told him when we were going to pick up his son that I had to meet her. We get there to pick him up and I was driving (he doesn't have a license, that's why he catches the bus) her and the son was waiting on the porch when we pulled up. A few minutes go by and then here he come putting the son in the car and then getting in. I was pissed! He just said that he will make sure I meet her when we come back. Why not then if he knew that was one of the biggest issues in our relationship. I didn't want to make a big deal about it in front of his son. So, I met her when we brought him back and even then we didn't know she was home because she said she was at the grocery store and he could drop him off because her sis was home. There's other things too like now he has a cell and we have had arguments about that too. Well, I use to work third shift and he worked 1st and the same place. We had been hoping and waiting for a 1st shift bid to open back up that I could win, which I did a couple of months ago. We were soooo happy because the graveyard shift was affecting my health and I hated not being home with my family. Well, anyway we had a few arguments about how he's not use to me being there and me interrupting his normal routine yada yada which I 'm sure was sitting up on the phone with her. I can say that I have felt that things have changed in their relationship but that might just be because he has a cell now so they probably still talk a lot and text or whatever....I dont' know. It's like I just need more! I should feel as secure about him as he feels about me. He knows that men are attracted to me and flirt with me or whatnot but knows I wouldn't cheat on him. He do stay in the house a lot but hell I do too. I don't think that he would sleep with her now but I'm thinking he has since we've been together and won't admit to it. It has to be something for her to be jealous of me if it they did really only have a true friendship. I told him that he always want to throw around the fact that I will be his wife and he see me as his wife now even though he hasn't proposed but I told him that he needs to hold me up on that pedestal now and treat me like one and put me first. I just feel like I sound like a broken record. It's been 2 1/2 years and I'm still begging to be first! I have been married before and it wasn't a very good one, it had a few highlights...well my children and a few good memories but that's it. He has never been married or even in a real long lasting relationship and I feel like I'm still schooling him on being a man. He tends to have some real selfish ways and trying to get him to see that is just frustrating and getting old. Sometimes, I feel alone even if he is sitting right next to me. I tell him about the things that piss me off and nothing changes. He is about to be 40 and I'm like what the f ..grow up already. I figure up all the bills and take care of the finances. We split the household bills but when he's short one week or need money through the week then he automatically depends on me to cover him. Yes, he makes the money back up by the end of the month but that's not it. He will come up short or borrow money because he do stupid stuff like using his debit card when he's not sure if the funds are available because no matter how many times I tell him he should keep track or at least look online to see his pending charges instead of getting the false balance on the phone and it results in overdraft fees. He will forget about the automatic monthly deductions for the same TWO bills taken out the same time every month and get overdraft fees so of course he looks to me to borrow the money from. I do all the cooking, he has cooked maybe 3 or 4 times and been living with me a year. He might wash a load of clothes a month except for the towels he will wash the ones out the bathroom. I wouldn't have a problem with that if we both didn't work the same amount of hours. I'm sure this is a lot of women complaint but still. I don't think he has a romantic bone in his body.Only cards or gifts on birthdays or Christmas. Just little things like bringing me back something even as small as a candy bar from the gas station or something ..damn. I use to ask him do you think of me at all? i dont' know maybe it's just me but when I go shopping or just make a quick stop it's something for me then something for him. I know I have said I don't know several times because I guess the bottom line is I just really don't know! This is long and kind of silly now that I keep typing but it's called venting and we all need to do this. I shouldn't post this but what the hell.

Thanks