Is what I did REALLY that bad?

My boyfriend has been having some trust issues with me lately. This seems absurd to me because I have never thought of cheating on him, or anything remotely like that. I’ve been trying to see things from his perspective and I can in some ways, but some ways I can’t.

Here’s what happened.

Part of it has to do with a crush I had on a guy in elementary school.. who I am still friends with today. This would not be an issue except that one drunken night in July, my bf, my school friend, and I were hanging out in a hotel room and my friend and I were just reminicing about how we USED to like eachother. I had like him from grade 4 to grade 8. That’s it. We were just talking about that and he mentioned he had liked me in grade eight too. I realize that it was an insensitive thing to bring up in front of my boyfriend, but I swear it really was innocent. And, I don’t justify it with the alcohol, but I wouldn’t have brought that up had I not been intoxicated... and I have apologized many times for this, for making him feel uncomfortable. I even took down this friends grad picture from my room because it bothered my bf.

Like I said, I am still friends with this person, so at parties I will talk to him. He has recently been having a hard time with a girl he likes, so I sat by him to ask what was wrong because he looked upset. (I would do this for any of my friends) Well, my bf claims that everytime we are in the same place I always rush over to him and that he has a problem with it. I said I would stop sitting by him. (I should not have to do this) but part of me thinks he’s just paranoid now because I used to like this guy. FIVE years ago..

The other part has to do with a guy friend I made this year at college. I told my bf after the first day of school that I made a friend. I said it’s a guy but you have nothing to worry about, etc. He didn’t say much. Then my roomate was talking about him excitedly. This looked really bad on my part. Sound silly, but she was really just excited for me because I had made a friend. My bf was wondering why she was so excited about him. Then, one other night, I forget how it even came up, but my bf found out that I eat lunch with my new friend. Apparently this was something I should have told him? I didn’t even think of it, honestly, and when he brought it up that I should have told him, I said I didn’t think he would be happy with it. And he wasn’t. I honestly know that I was innocent in the situation, we just eat together.. nothing more. The guy annoys me half the time and I have told my bf this. He always brings this up when he’s drunk, he gets so angry. Saying how I looked suspicious because I didn’t tell him I ate lunch with my friend, that I was witholding information from him. When really, it didn’t cross my mind. I made the mistake of saying that I knew he wouldn’t like it.

So now, I feel like talking about school is a touchy subject and I feel like even though he says he trusts me that he doesn’t. He always says he overreacts because we’ve only really talked about it when he’s drunk. He apologizes in the morning and said it still bugs him but not as much as he said.

So, today, the STUPIDEST thing happened.

It has to do with facebook and a game called Farmville. I won’t go in to details but basically he accused me of lying to him about something I said about the game and about my guy friend. It’s hard to explain, but it made me feel really angry.

Like why can’t he trust me? If he even knew my thoughts, he would know that I am completely innocent and want nothing more than to be with him. I loook at it from his perpective becuase I know he has been hurt in the past by a gf who continually denied cheating on him when he thought it was obvious that she was. I am not. I won’t ever. I don’t know how to get it accross anymore, but if he keeps being untrusting of me, I don’t think it will work.. I love him so much and this is really the only issue we have and it only began this month. We are doing long distance so I think that ups the insecurity.

Plus, this weekend I want to go party with my roomate and her friend (he’s a guy) and some of his friends and I will feel guilty the whole time! It’s not like my bf is compeltely innocent, so sometimes I feel as though there are double standards. I’ve never been hurt before so maybe it’s just not as obvious to me...

How can I help him trust me?

By no means do I think you should report on where your going all the time. But you should tell him if your going out with the guy friend. Even if you know he wont be happy with it, because otherwise you are witholding information and if he hears it from someone else etc, hes going to think 'Erm why didnt she tell me, whats she got to hide?'

Just dont hide anything from him.

You obviously are a flirt and love attention from guys.

How can I help him trust me?

At 18 do you really want to be bothered with all this? Seriously, I think at 18 the last thing you need in your life is another person to report to. I think you need some single time.

You obviously are a flirt and love attention from guys.

I'm really the farthest thing from that. But I don't know what else I can say to convince anyone.

By no means do I think you should report on where your going all the time. But you should tell him if your going out with the guy friend. Even if you know he wont be happy with it, because otherwise you are witholding information and if he hears it from someone else etc, hes going to think 'Erm why didnt she tell me, whats she got to hide?'

 

Just dont hide anything from him.

No I totally realize that an I will not hide anything from him. I don't hang out with my guy friend outside of school either.

At 18 do you really want to be bothered with all this? Seriously, I think at 18 the last thing you need in your life is another person to report to. I think you need some single time.

I love him. I don't want to not be with him. I just want this to work. Do I have to get rid of guy friends for that to happen?

Sounds like you are trying to convince yourself more than convince us. You are only 18 years old, and I take it your boyfriend is around the same age. If you ask me, I don't believe the relationship is going to last. Seeing this relationship thru to the end will only bring you more problems in the future.

No you shouldnt have too.

There shouldnt be restrictions on who you can hang out with and when. It is offensive and rude to you that he doesnt trust you when you've given him no reason. I'd ask him if he really thinks your the type of person/girl to cheat and if so why is he with you?

Don't talk to him when he's drunk.

Do I have to get rid of guy friends for that to happen?

No you don't. He is being insecure and needy. You are probably not going to change that. These sorts of people are usually like that for life.

So either accept it (no way I would waste my youth with someone like that) or end the relationship and enjoy what should be some of the best years of your life.

I know, I need to stop talking to him when he's been drinking.

All I want is a solution to the trust issue, not telling me my relationship won't last because at this point that's not where my head's at.

Like I said, ask him why he doesnt trust you and why he thinks you are like that

Also, you can have guy friends. Its not fair you can't. Just be honest about seeing them.

No you don't. He is being insecure and needy. You are probably not going to change that. These sorts of people are usually like that for life.

 

So either accept it (no way I would waste my youth with someone like that) or end the relationship and enjoy what should be some of the best years of your life.

I know,but perhaps what I did really was that bad and I deserve for him to be untrusting? I have apologized many times and am not sure what else to do.

I'm not breaking up with him over this, it's not an option.

You did nothing wrong

How would he feel if you said hes not allowed girl friends

He has went on a vacation and slept in the same bed as one of his good friends (please do not get into a debate about this)

I trust him, and I've used that as an example - like if the situation was reversed, would he like it.. an he said no.

But then again, I still feel guilty all the time at schoo if I talk to my friend. I've actualy cut down contact.

It sounds like you are trying to rationalize his reactions in order to convince yourself that he has a good reason to react the way that he does. Personally, I think he is overreacting.

Why do you put up with it?

Why dont you ask him why he doesnt trust you like 'You obviously dont think much of me if you think i'd cheat'

I love him. I don't want to not be with him. I just want this to work. Do I have to get rid of guy friends for that to happen?

No. Because when you get rid of the guy friends, it will be something else.

So either you put up or you ship out. You can't fix someone elses insecurities.

It sounds like you are trying to rationalize his reactions in order to convince yourself that he has a good reason to react the way that he does. Personally, I think he is overreacting.

I think I am. And I think inside I know he is overreacting, but then I feel so guilty for causing him discomfort.

Why do you put up with it?

 

Why dont you ask him why he doesnt trust you like 'You obviously dont think much of me if you think i'd cheat'

I love him. This just started, first fight after 8 months. I am going to ask him tonight. He's just so hard to talk abou with this stuff, he will change the subject

Dont let him. Make sure he knows its important to you. Dont attack him over it just ask him rationally and calmly what you have done that makes you untrustworthy.

Dont let him. Make sure he knows its important to you. Dont attack him over it just ask him rationally and calmly what you have done that makes you untrustworthy.

I will certainly try.

I love him.

And?

I love a tonne of things and people that are bad for me. I don't have to bleed over it.

He has went on a vacation and slept in the same bed as one of his good friends (please do not get into a debate about this)

 

I trust him, and I've used that as an example - like if the situation was reversed, would he like it.. an he said no.

 

But then again, I still feel guilty all the time at schoo if I talk to my friend. I've actualy cut down contact.

WHOA!, Now you started something. He has slept in the same bed with another female and here you are beating yourself up about eating lunch with another dude.

I have one question, WHERE THEY DO THAT AT?

I don't know what type of relationship this is, but like I said, it won't last. Why are you even listening/putting up with this bull? You are in college, you are supposed to be there to further your education and experience life as an adult. Not worrying about a controlling/drunk of a boyfriend.