..And he said we have a "spiritual connection"..

Hi everyone!

Well, here is my problem. I have been single for a few years and decided to try online dating again. So I joined Match. Well, one guy's profile I came accross sounded interesting, so I got in touch. I heard from him 3 weeks later. Apparently, he didn't check his messages.

This is when the story hits overdrive. The first time we spoke, we ended up talking for 4 and a half hours! Yes, I know it's a long time, but it seemed so natural, like I had known him for years. He lives in the States and I'm in Canada btw. A lot of what he was saying was checking boxes for me, and I felt we had a lot in common. I was surprised he could be single, since was good looking, had a good job and was nice. He seems to be the whole package..I really felt good after that conversation and the next day I had this weird excited feeling inside. I haven't felt that for a long time..to be excited about someone..so although it felt good, it was a little scary.

The next night we spoke for another 3.5 hours..but this is when the bomb broke..he told me that he was divorced and that he was married for 6 years! It's more the fact that he never said anything that bothered me..I don't like liars. And his profile said he had "never been married", so I took it at face value. He explained saying, he knows a lot of people and doesn't want everyone to know his business, because he is online with his picture. But that his friends and family know. The divorce just was finalized in April. Seriously, when he told me this, my heart dropped..I guess that first conversation was so good, I didn't think there could be anything else. Also, I don't know why anyone would lie online about being divorced..it's not such a bad thing. I'm an over 30 year old woman, and I could have easily lied about my age, but I didn't..because I don't want to lead anyone on.

But the next day, I was confused (I still am!)..I really feel some connection to him, and don't want to just throw it away because he never put Divorced on his profile..but I'm also scared I'm just ignoring the fact that he lied.

Now we have spoken about 2 times after that, and the conversations have been just as long. He tells me he has never felt this connection before, though he knows we don't know each other. And that the last time he had it was 10 years ago.

Another thing that bothers me is his dating history. He said since the divorce, he has dated but not really felt anything. That he has not been emotionally invested. He hasn't even thought about them throughout the day. I can't imagine dating someone and not even thinking about them once. Women have brought it up to him asking him "Why are you disconnected" but he just lies and tells them "No, I really like you"..when he doesn't. But he says he feels very different about me, that he places me in a different category and really wants to get to know me. He also told me last night that he feels we have a "Spiritual Connection"..that he cares about me, and it's not about looks or anything, because we are connecting through talking.

Today I woke up more confused..do you think this guy is a player? And was it a bad sign he lied on his profile? He also told me he lied about his income on his profile..he would put it as over $200 000, so that if women called asking about it..he could weed out the gold diggers.

I'm at the stage in my life where I really want someone to love, who I can trust (I've had my trust broken many times in the past)..He is someone who I definitely feel something with, but does that even mean anything or do you think everything I have said is screaming red flags?

I would appreciate your help..thank you.

It's a bad sign IMO and when they go on about this strong connection they are feeling, despite only knowing you two minutes.

Expect him to be declaring he loves you and you are the 'one' and very soon....

I personally wouldnt trust him.

He doesn't sound very trustworthy. Why would he put over 200,000 if he wanted to weed out the gold diggers..wouldn't that just encourage gold diggers. Also, why did so few people even know that he was married? He is full of it with his "spiritual connection" when he barely knows you. I would walk away from this guy..he sounds creepy.

It's not a great start....to be catching him out in falsehoods. And I would also be a bit leery about this very fast jump to a "spiritual connection".

I guess I can understand the "Never Married" thing and could overlook it. But I would remain pretty wary and go very very slowly.

I'm not liking the lies here, not one bit.

I can kind of understand him not wanting to say he was divorced on his profile, a lot of women would interpret "divorced" as meaning "has a metric ton of baggage." He did come clean about that in the second conversation though, and that's kind of cool.

To jump from "I really like you" to "We have a spiritual connection" so quickly though? That's possible, so maybe. But lying about is income too? AND that he never ever thought about other women when he was dating them? No way man. That's a lot of lies for 4 conversations, regardless how long they were.

Please do be cautious here ForYrEyesOnly. I'm an over 30 woman too, and like you, I've met someone a little over a month ago through chatting only. He's never lied though, he's never made himself out to be something he's not. This guy you've been talking to has lied 4 times over the course of 4 conversations. Big big red flags.

It's hard to say from outside of the situation, but...you should trust your instincts. Your story reminds me of a guy I dated. He told me that when he broke up with his past girlfriends, he just stopped contacting them, and he acted like he didn't know them. Of course, he said, he'd never do that to me. But, he did. He literally pretended he didn't know who I was when I called. I'm not saying it's the same thing, but he's basically telling you how he deals with women in relationships. It's really likely that you are no exception. I would feel very suspicious of his sincerity. Sorry.

Wow...thank you everyone for the quick replies..I really appreciate it!

It seems like everyone's consensus is to drop him. But if I didn't feel a connection with him I haven't felt with anyone else I would have done that already. You are right, that i don't know this guy..he's a stranger..but I'm holding onto the hope that he could be something more.

I also feel as a 34 year old, that I can't just throw away every potential I meet..time is definitely not on my side. I know it sounds pretty desperate..sheesh! But really, I don't want to be that overly picky person who ends up alone. Maybe I'm just scared.

We have talked a lot in the past week..averaging 3-4 hours per night. So I just assume that, that is how we have felt a connection..He has a lot in common..except for the way he acts with women in the past etc..I don't like that. Every relationship I have been in was because I wanted to be there.

I'm definitely going to be cautious, but I really appreciate everyone's advice..I will keep you posted..

When I meet a guy, I try to glean info and about his past relationships, how long they lasted, why they broke up, etc...

How they treated women in their past, is a good indicator of how they will treat you or end up treating you.

'time is definitley not on my side...

 

My God, you are ONLY 34....not 74!!!

Im 34, but I wouldnt settle for anything less, than what I feel I deserve....whether I end up alone for the rest of my days or not..lol

I smell a rat.

Never deny your gut feelings. Since he's already lied about his past, I would have a hard time believing anything he says.

This is not a good sign of what's to come, especially with someone you haven't even met in person yet.

Remember that past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour.

Ok the bolded parts combined reek of desperation. I dont mean to be a witch, but there it is. Frankly, if I can whiff it, so can he. He has lied now how many times and you haven't even met him yet? He isnt' honorable now because he is coming clean, it still means he is a liar. If he is going to lie about something as simple as his marriage status and financial status what else is he lying about?

Also something else you said bothers me. You said that talking with him you felt like you were checking off tick boxes? Maybe it's because this guy is a pro, he sees your honest stats, and is only telling you what he thinks you want to hear?

I get the mindset that you cant throw away every "potential". But the fact is, you gave him rope and he hung himself. He made himself a liar and then admitted it. This is not about you disregaring a good man, it's about protecting yourself from a dishonest one.

My best advice, get the heck out now. If you choose not to, at the VERY least, get a professional and detailed background check with a criminal record. It may cost you some money, but who knows what it could save you from.

All the best,

owb

I also feel as a 34 year old, that I can't just throw away every potential I meet..time is definitely not on my side. I know it sounds pretty desperate..sheesh! But really, I don't want to be that overly picky person who ends up alone. Maybe I'm just scared.

And this is what led me into my last relationship that started with a dating site, a man who declared, "I was so apathetic until you came along...I was ready to let my account expire...I normally would not have considered anyone that far away, but what you wrote surpassed anything I've read near or far."

Countless phone calls ranging from 4-14 hours (no, I'm not kidding) later, during which I felt everything from peaks of perfect alliance to jolts of uneasy, slightly queasy confusion and doubt about how the things he said didn't quite match, or left me feeling hurt in ways that I wondered were "justified"...and months later of in-person rollercoasters ridden hard for our mutually-felt "spiritual connection"...this relationship turned into a sham of broken trust and early red flags proven as coffin nails.

Of course, I know that sitting here saying, "this happened to me" doesn't make it more convincing that it would be happening for you, but I'm saying to you that I was presented with just a different shade of what you're painting here, and I see lots of tears and regret in your future.

One lie leads to another; one inconsistency becomes another; and pretty soon you know that there is a whole, thriving termite nest where you've only seen cracks in the wood.

I've learned one thing in my time. When you are asking yourself, "is this man a player?" he is. If you are asking, "is this man a liar?" he is. If you are asking, "is this not all it's cracked up to be?" -- it is. Once these questions arise, it's too late. I have seldom seen doubts and warning signs fail to deliver failure. In fact, they reliably do.

And the earlier you see them, the worse they are at their worst.

When something so central "seems" it "could" be bad, you've already seen the best it'll ever be.

All the things you've stated above as reasons to give this a chance are going to be your rationalizations that drown out your gut instincts here. This is your moment of reckoning, what you've said above. This is your higher wisdom -- and you do know in your heart why you're second-guessing your misgivings.

It's not so much about the "spiritual connection" as these fears of yours, the abstract fear of letting go of something when you are too involved in your agenda to see through the haze that's being painted.

A bit of biological clock-ticking, a bit of smooth-talking, my propensity to stubbornly give everyone the benefit of the doubt no matter what fishy signals they emitted, believing the best of people, and a lot of throwing around the words, "spiritual connection" got me exactly what I feared.

Anyone can bandy about a "spiritual connection" (and I do believe in them!) If there is one, a genuine one usually is revealed and talked about over much more time, even if sensed at first. There will be many men you can share on and on for 4 hours with. I hope you don't continue it with this one.

Wow, you sound like a real fun date! Lets spend out entire evening talking about my previous love life and why it failed. Yikes

 

To the OP. I'd be less worried about the married/divorced status. The real foul smell is coming from the "spiritual connection" line. Absolute rubbish.

Uhm, I dont recall saying I spent the entire evening talking about it......that is you ass-uming.

I said I tried to glean info....usually if this topic of conversation came up ya know....it's called 'getting to know you'......

Ok the bolded parts combined reek of desperation.

My very thoughts also....

It is a great shame that some women will ignore huge red flying flags and because they are frigtened to end up a lonely old spinster....

It's like saying I am willing to put up with any old crap from a man, so long as I have one....

Shocking, it really is....

And this is what led me into my last relationship that started with a dating site, a man who declared, "I was so apathetic until you came along...I was ready to let my account expire...I normally would not have considered anyone that far away, but what you wrote surpassed anything I've read near or far."

Countless phone calls ranging from 4-14 hours (no, I'm not kidding) later, during which I felt everything from peaks of perfect alliance to jolts of uneasy, slightly queasy confusion and doubt about how the things he said didn't quite match, or left me feeling hurt in ways that I wondered were "justified"...and months later of in-person rollercoasters ridden hard for our mutually-felt "spiritual connection"...this relationship turned into a sham of broken trust and early red flags proven as coffin nails.

Of course, I know that sitting here saying, "this happened to me" doesn't make it more convincing that it would be happening for you, but I'm saying to you that I was presented with just a different shade of what you're painting here, and I see lots of tears and regret in your future.

One lie leads to another; one inconsistency becomes another; and pretty soon you know that there is a whole, thriving termite nest where you've only seen cracks in the wood.

I've learned one thing in my time. When you are asking yourself, "is this man a player?" he is. If you are asking, "is this man a liar?" he is. If you are asking, "is this not all it's cracked up to be?" -- it is. Once these questions arise, it's too late. I have seldom seen doubts and warning signs fail to deliver failure. In fact, they reliably do.

And the earlier you see them, the worse they are at their worst.

When something so central "seems" it "could" be bad, you've already seen the best it'll ever be.

All the things you've stated above as reasons to give this a chance are going to be your rationalizations that drown out your gut instincts here. This is your moment of reckoning, what you've said above. This is your higher wisdom -- and you do know in your heart why you're second-guessing your misgivings.

It's not so much about the "spiritual connection" as these fears of yours, the abstract fear of letting go of something when you are too involved in your agenda to see through the haze that's being painted.

A bit of biological clock-ticking, a bit of smooth-talking, my propensity to stubbornly give everyone the benefit of the doubt no matter what fishy signals they emitted, believing the best of people, and a lot of throwing around the words, "spiritual connection" got me exactly what I feared.

Anyone can bandy about a "spiritual connection" (and I do believe in them!) If there is one, a genuine one usually is revealed and talked about over much more time, even if sensed at first. There will be many men you can share on and on for 4 hours with. I hope you don't continue it with this one.

This is good advice.

I got sucked into one of these online LDR thingos (that's all they are usually, "thingos", not "relationships"). The signs weren't nearly as bad as the ones you listed , and it still turned out to be a stinker!

Usually, when it starts with lies.....it will end with lies.

Wow..amazing post. So very true.

reading this just reinforces the fact that online dating sucks!

one to one, face to face, just cant beat it!

reading this just reinforces the fact that online dating sucks!

 

one to one, face to face, just cant beat it!

Online dating was simply supposed to be a way to meet people. There are plenty of low lives that you can meet at bars, at organized events, at church, etc. It is not the method of meeting that is the problem, it is the character of the person..and there are tons of emotional losers whether you meet them online or face to face. Many people lie about themselves even when you have met them by traditional methods.

I'd say I'd met more 'lowlifes' in real life, than I have online...

But indeed, there are lowlifes online also, who are easily enough spotted if you keep your wits about you and don't let their 'sweet talking' blindside you into overlooking the 'red flags'....

i bet he's married still.

Online dating was simply supposed to be a way to meet people. There are plenty of low lives that you can meet at bars, at organized events, at church, etc. It is not the method of meeting that is the problem, it is the character of the person..and there are tons of emotional losers whether you meet them online or face to face. Many people lie about themselves even when you have met them by traditional methods.

well if your savvy enough you can at least see for yourself, and as for emotional losers, doesnt ENA have some on here, am i an emotional loser? because my ex dumped me???? thanks! its in my opinion that online dating sucks! point blank.

Thank you everyone for your insights again. I really appreciate all the comments!

Badhabits - Such a great reply..it seems you have been in my situation. Thank you so for your advice, and to everyone else as well.

I may seem desperate in what I have said but I don't feel that's where I'm coming from. I'm not 21, that's the truth..and it gets only harder for women to find someone decent as time goes on. Plus, I do want to have kids one day (my biological clock is screaming!) But for men, they can be whatever age and find women younger. In the "real world" I get dates etc all the time, the only reason I went online was to increase the scope of people I would meet, and also since many of my friends have had good experiences. Also the people I have met locally, haven't been the greatest matches.

Yes, I agree this guy wasn't forth coming, but I'm trying to make the right decision, because I have clicked with him to an extent. Maybe it will be totally different in person, but I have tried to get to know him to see if we have enough in common or not. I am looking at things without my rose colored glasses now..thanks to you all..

Update

He actually called me last night..and after reading all your comments, I was more than a little weary. But I picked up and we spoke. We actually talked a lot about his divorce and past relationships and he didn't back down regardless of the questions I would ask him.

Apparently, he got married at 22 and the girl was 21..so I'm sure that immaturity didn't help. But he said he didn't believe in divorce, so he really tried for the 6 years he was in it. He has been single for 2 years now (it took a while for the divorce to finalize) and the relationships he has been in were shallow, as he wasn't ready for a deep relationship and said he hadn't met anyone who he really wanted to take that risk with.

There were a lot of money issues between them, which kind of bothered me, but I listened and am taking what he said with a grain of salt (ok, more like bucket of salt!, but you don't blame me for being suspicious after his non disclosure).

I agree now it was strange about the "spiritual connection"..I haven't had anyone say that before, so it was a little shocking to hear that so early. I feel we have some chemistry..maybe that's a better way to put it.

I'm not jumping into this blindfolded, but am taking it a day at a time. But I will keep you all aware of any more issues I need help on..Thank you all again so much!

Re: my last post...

Correction

It was TiredofVampires who wrote that brilliant reply..thank you!