3 yrs in..

I don't know if I'm spinning my heals here in this relationship. I keep going over our past and our ups and downs trying to make sense of things.

It seems like something is always stopping us from moving on together. He wont commit to me. Yes we are in a relationship. Have been for three yrs. Actually been engaged to him, I asked and that went bad..as he didn't want anyone to know. ?? So i took the ring back.. From then on its on again off again type of stuff going on. He knows I want more and he tells me things like what our future could be like after he is done school in another two yrs...I'm in school too but for one yr. I don't think that has any bearing on making a solid commitment to one another.. I'm scared that I'm going to put in all this time with him and have him walk on me again like he has in the past. I know I hear myself here and I just can imagine what your thinking.

I'm not 20yrs old anymore...I'm in my early forties and so is he. I thought he was the one but not so sure anymore. My gut is tugging at me in the worst way and talking to him doesn't seem to remedy any of my concerns.

I have just seen him so easily walk out on me in the past and I dont trust him anymore when it comes to that. If he doesn't get 100% his way he walks out on us but then comes back again. We still dont live together... sigh this is not what I wanted. A part time live in boyfriend. I wanted more.

Maybe I'm not the one for him. You think if I was he would not be afraid to make a solid commitment to our future..

After three years you should be expecting the next step. As you said it isnt like you are early twenties and are rushing things, your in a grown up relationship.

Have you told him that you want to go to the next step and how much it is affecting you he wont?

I have told him but nothing seems to change.

Have you made it clear that for you things NEED to change because your not sure where it is heading or if there is even a future for you two because he isnt acting like he sees one sounds like he is making excuses.

Hi there hun!

You know, I have always been suspicious of this man and his unwillingness to commit to you. There was something about the fact that he had never been married and never had any particularly long relationships.

Everything does seem to be on his terms here and you haven't moved forward because he refuses to move forward.

Is it still an issue about having more children at all??

Whatever, it seems clear he is not going to change by his refusal to discuss the issues here. And he is not giving you what you want.

3 years is a perfectly reasonable time to want to move to the next step so there is nothing wrong with you and everything wrong with him.

I really would have to seriously consider ending this relationship and not waste any more time because that is what I think you will be doing if you carry on as you are. On top of all of this, he has given you trust issues from when he ran out on you before - not good.

What more can you do if he refuses to discuss this and refuses to change?

Nice to hear from you again, by the way!

Mark

Actually been engaged to him, I asked and that went bad..as he didn't want anyone to know.

Why??? That is a big red flag

Mark, thanks for remembering... wow. I know this is crazy. I feel so insecure about everything all the time and it seems I'm at my breaking point.

The issue with kids was that he still wanted them but he said he would understand if I was not able to do that again, but I really dont think thats true. I'm not, I tell him I'm too tired and feel too old now to do this but again he keeps telling me I'm not old. I Have two kids(13&15yrsold) and he has one(10yrs). My hands are full along with working... I cant keep up as it is.

Mark its good to hear from you too.

BlueAfterGlow, I tried to tell him in so many ways and still I really get no assurance. He says I am needing a symbol too much. (I think as an engagement ring).

Metrogirl: It was silly.. I tried to put it on my facebook that we were engaged and he removed it on me. As of this day he still wont put on it he is in a relationship. I gave up.

As of this day he still wont put on it he is in a relationship.

That is a BAD sign. It's just facebook, but what has he got to hide after three years??

I think you're only going to disappoint yourself even more if you pursue this further.

I have a feeling too. My gut is telling me so. Its just a matter of time..I think.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

You answered all of your own concerns in your first post.

When will you gather the strength to leave?

What more can you do if he refuses to discuss this and refuses to change?

On top of the content (i.e. won't put status on FaceB, etc.) the above is really the crux of it.

After 3 years, it is very much time to begin to gather the inner resources needed to let this relationship go. And I am very sorry for the great pain that this might likely initially cause you. Though hard to see now, there is a more suited romantic match for you, one that will carry more the energy of romantic peace, compatibility and contentment.

Though you may always feel sorry that it didn't work out (which is a dif. thing altogether than feeling sorry about splitting up) you will feel extremely glad that you moved on.... And you can move on with integrity in knowing that you gave it ample time, patience, and tried your very best.... In the end, when he wasn't responding, you needed to take care of you & respect your own spirit......

I've been away for awhile trying to regroup.

I still have to talk to him and tell him how I'm feeling and its time to part.. its just very hard and I am finding it hard to muster up the strength to do so.

I know I have to now, its best for the both of us..

Thank you all for putting the time in to reply.

I tried the other day to start the conversation off but he lead it on another direction and I couldnt go on with it. So now here I am trying again to get it out in the open.

Its just hard.

Update:

Sad to say but I knew it was coming. We broke up this week. Maybe for the best I know but it still hurts like hell. Think I will move this conversation over to the healing after a breakup section, because I know i need the help to keep going and stay strong.

Thanks to all that took the time to post to me here.

It meant alot.

Brahma

Oh hun - sorry you are hurting.

I applaud you for having the strength to do something about that unsatisfactory relationship. That is key here - you KNOW this is the right path.

Keep your head up doll, we are all here to support you.

Mark

((((((((( hugs ))))))))) to you Mark. You have been here for me for so long. Your a very special person.