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i'm not depressed, i just dont like living or life at all


peebo

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i dont have depression or any kind of mental disorder, and i'm not crazy or irrational. i've been looking around the internet for opinions about suicide and too many are saying that if you want to kill yourself then you must be sick, which just isn't the case for me.

 

i don't know where i'm going with this or why i'm writing it. i guess i'm just wondering if anyone else relates or gets what i'm saying..

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Hmmm I have met someone like you...

 

For this person it was actually because they were extremely spiritual, but they didn't know it yet.

 

They were disinterested in the human plane and in a hurry to go to somewhere more evolved and enlightened.

 

This person got in touch with that side of themsleves, and found a way to integrate it into THIS life. And they became much happier.

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I hate life it's so * * * * ing boring and stupid and pointless. I'm so * * * * ing angry and miserable and i feel like my soul is on fire. There's absolutely nothing that interests me in life i have no idea what i want or who i am. I'm desperate to know the truth but i have no idea what it is and it leaves me confused and disoriented. I wish i had the guts to torture and kill my enemy's but i'm too much of a coward. I'm 21 and i feel like i'm * * * * ing 80 and all i do is lay around waiting to die.

 

This guy seems depressed.

 

Don't worry, I'm not.

 

But I can definitely relate. I'm not religious at all, so I don't think it's morally wrong to commit suicide. Often I don't feel that the pain and disappointment in life is worth the trouble of living it, and as a relatively privileged person I would give up my place if I could to somebody who really wanted it. But I'm only seventeen, and while my curiosity or joy in life isn't necessarily enough to keep me going, I wouldn't commit suicide because I wouldn't want to put my family and friends through that. So I keep going, and trying to make life better, and find the little moments of happiness when I can, in friends, or in music.

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I once felt this way and realized that if life ain't worth living for ... it sure was not worth dying for. So I decided to say dog gone it all and just live. I've had many, many good times since. I continue to live this way ... accepting the bad stuff and valuing the good stuff. But life is hard. My life is very hard lately. I am quite tired. I have dreams.

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Hmmm I have met someone like you...

 

For this person it was actually because they were extremely spiritual, but they didn't know it yet.

 

They were disinterested in the human plane and in a hurry to go to somewhere more evolved and enlightened.

 

This person got in touch with that side of themsleves, and found a way to integrate it into THIS life. And they became much happier.

 

Maybe I am. I'm sort of at a crisis with spirituality right now, since I'm not even sure if I believe the term means anything to begin with.

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Spirituality is not identical with religion or vice versa.

 

Ultimately it is an awareness that everything, and everyone, is connected. Science actually verifies this on many levels (think quantum mechanics).

 

Extend this thought a little further: if everything is connected, existence and the world does not have a beginning or an end. Certainly, we die; but death is just a part of life.

 

I am a buddhist, but whatever works for people, works for them.

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  • 10 months later...

Been randomly putting phrases into Google for over a year about how I feel. this is the first response/thread I've felt came close to describing how I feel. I can't really claim to be depressed. Though I feel crap a lot of the time. Not the "crap, I need to exercise more/drink less/get to bed earlier/wish I didnt feel alone" feeling. More like "This is just crap".

 

I'm 41. got great kids. Wife is supportive but its more of a functional relationship than a soulmate one. I have a decent job but the recession has left us owing craploads of money and my wife lost her job.

I've read all the Tony Robbins/Eckhadt Tolle/Wayne Dyer etc... stuff over the years. It kinda worked for a while but it just doesn't hit me anymore. Create goals ? Why bother ? Think positive ? Why bother.

Another 30/40 years of this. Gimme a break. No thanks.

 

I'm very much at the point like the guy in "Its a wonderful life". If I died now, the mortgage would be paid off. We're so morgaged-up-to-the-hilt that its almost as much as I'll make if I work for the rest of my life.

 

Only thing holding me back is - I know I'm a good dad and the kids would actually miss me.

 

Yup. Thats the only thing. Well, my mum and dad are old, but alive and it would really hurt them too.

I know I havn't earned the right to moan. And moaning is actually as pointless and repeating affirmations in the mirror.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

the response above re: Spirituality was good. But its not me. After (loosely) sticking to the Catholic side of things to date, I'm beginning to think Richard Dawkins has a point (i.e. God = A human invwention).

 

Anyone got any suggestions ?

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It sounds to me like you are having a bit of an existential crisis. Most of us do at one point or another in our lives.

 

I went through mine a few years ago, but I came out of it more enlightened than ever. I don't know if what I am saying makes any sense to you, but it seems that most creative-thinking people end up having a major crisis at some point in their lives. Remember that the way you feel now, may not be the way you feel tomorrow morning. Feelings and emotions pass over time. If you are depressed, it means that your brain is producing too much of, or too little of a certain chemical (dopamine, seratonin..etc)

 

Some of the greatest paintings and literature comes out of these experiences in our lives. (a la Dante's Inferno, Franz Kafka's writings, Edvard Munch's 'the scream')

 

...Think about it

 

-Leftright

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  • 2 weeks later...

i get what your saying peebo.

 

I have depressive moods from time to time, but im far from mentally ill. Just cant really find the will to try and live life. I dont wish that i was dead, just think it may have been better if i hadnt been born. Or if something like an accident or some such would should happen to remove my choice in the matter

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  • 1 month later...

Just a few questions for you peebo if I may;

 

Do you have ultra vivid dreams/visions, some of which could be deemed lucid?

 

Do you having a feeling of dread as though you have just lost a loved one, not so much in death more like the end of a serious and long lasting relationship (around the stomach area)?

 

Do you occasionally have uncontrollable outbursts of frustration built up from the feeling of emptiness inside, leaving you feeling regretful?

 

The reason I ask these questions is because I have and continue to experience them all and more on a range of different levels. Some of my reasons for feeling this way have been expressed well by forum member 'badhabits'. I have no solid reason as to why I feel the same way you describe. I'm often complimented on being handsome, smart, cute, funny and sexy; all the things any person could wish to hear to make them feel good about themselves. It seems the more compliments I get the less convincing they become and the more they make me needlessly self-diagnose everything I do.

 

We're all in this together and I thank the people behind this forum making it possible for us to have a voice.

 

Love and Light to all.

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  • 4 weeks later...
Been randomly putting phrases into Google

 

Hey, just like me. I didn't expect that there are more lone "chatters with Google" like I am. Judging by the number of people with 1 post who've posted in this topic, there are some, though.

 

I Googled myself into here by "I'm not depressed". I like the ambiguity of this phrase...

 

Yes, I also understand the first post, I guess.

 

I'm not really sad with my life, but... The problem is, happiness and sadness aren't the exact criteria by which I want to determine the quality of my life. Happiness happens, but... it isn't a reason to necessarily continue living (as opposed to committing suicide). I mean, I acknowledge that I can be happy in my life, and believe that life is meaningful, but it'll still be only that, an impression. In reality, happiness is still only an illusion.

 

It's like music. Listening to music causes my brain to feel pleasure, but I wouldn't say that I *like* it. I actually dislike it, because brains are hard-wired to accept it as something pleasurable. I want life to be meaningful not because my emotions or instincts *tell me* that it is meaningful, but because I find its meaning by myself. So, if I were in love or interested in something, it will still be my instincts that will make me carry on living. And that's just... too easy to be satisfied with.

 

What a chaotic post. Really.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Peebo, I don't feel depressed either. Its more like annoyed and tired... of going through the same crap everyday for I-don't-know-what reason. Life as a whole has become a mundane chore.

 

Huckle, we have similar circumstances and age. One difference is I cant get along with my step son at all. My wife's family and her X's family spoil him so he hates my rules and disrespects me constantly. I get really angry with him so I blow up once in a while, get ashamed at myself then go back to supporting my family. I pay our debts and deal with all the little annoyances that come with life so some day I can retire and afford the outrageous hospital bills to keep me alive even longer?

 

Badhabits, I started describing myself as spiritual a long time ago. No I don't want to commit suicide but it would be nice to shed this wet sweater of a body and get the heck on with it. A connection of the now and later might help. I've no clue how to do so.

 

Cymax, yes to all but lucid dreams.

 

My life has a few fun moments but I don't feel joy. I've always felt purpose and that is whats kept me going. On the other end, I feel exasperation and anger at times too. Most of the time I am either busy or feel alone.

 

I drive 55 miles through Boston traffic to go to work. So I spend about 65 hours a week driving/working. I come home to disrespectful children and an apartment that is in complete disarray all the time. My wife falls asleep in the living room every night watching TV shows I don't like. I sort of watch with her until she passes out then I get back on the computer and read stuff or play sci-fi or fantasy games.

 

Wash, rinse, repeat.

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My dear sir, your denial of depression does not qualify as an official diagnosis. You have made statements which reflect feelings of hopelessness and despair. Your circumstances have you in dire straits. The stress alone can trigger negative biochemical reactions, and YES, in this society, if you want to end your life, you are irrational. Unless you're suffering from a terminal disease or on life support, wanting to die is irrational. Please seek help. I'm sure your family would appreciate efforts in that direction more so than your absence in their lives and the mortgage being paid off.

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  • 4 months later...

For the OP and anyone else with feelings like this, I've been there.

 

I was diagnosed with dysthymia and episodic major depressive episodes when I was 20. The second one isn't really important here, its that first diagnosis.

 

Growing up I had a friend who was major bipolar depressed. Treatments weren't working, he was unable to engage in the world, spending hours at a time sitting on a chair unable to move or speak to people. It was horrible to watch, and it also gave me a very skewed view on depression.

 

Depression is not simply people who are unable to get out of bed or who can't function in society. The hardest thing I ever admitted to myself was that I might be depressed. I couldn't say "I am depressed" because I didn't want to take anything away from people suffering from "real" depression. In retrospect that was insanely stupid.

 

No one thinks there is something wrong with them, especially when they are young. Everyone is their normal self, even if it means they feel alone and hate the world. People who haven't suffered from a real episode of depression, be it chronic, medical, spiritual, or situational, will tell you to cheer up, look on the bright side, join a team, take up a hobby, try to think of the good things you have, or the other frankly idiotic advice you can give to someone suffering. Talk to someone. That is all I will tell you to do. Talk talk talk talk talk. That is the most important and should always be the first step if you want to see improvements. If you have no one to talk to, see a doctor. If you don't have a family doctor, go to a walk in clinic or even the hospital.

 

Depression doesn't mean you are screwed up or weird. It isn't something you should hide from. There is no stigma to avoid. Everyone is depressed at some point. It is only when it persists and we can't get out of those moods that we need some external help. Reach out. Please. Thinking about death and even suicide is something everyone does. There is nothing wrong with that. But if you are taking steps towards suicide, or you can't stop thinking about death, suicide, how alone you are, how different you are, how you can't connect to anyone, how unimportant everything is, etc, then talk to someone.

 

I still suffer from dysthymia, which is chronic low moods/energy with some other crap attached to it (sleep problems, tendency to withdraw, etc). It is pretty common and if you don't recognize and try to treat it in yourself it has a great chance of leading to depression and other serious mental illnesses. I will not say what you or anyone else has, there is an entire field devoted to helping people with mental issues/disorders. Again, having a mild mental disorder that you treat is far better than telling yourself you are "normal" or "ok". Maybe your normal is not everyone else's normal. Maybe you can change your normal. It is also better to have a doctor tell you that you don't qualify for mild depression than never know at all. Seek help if you don't like your life.

 

Please please seek help if you constantly feel outside of society or don't want to live. Those are warning signs. Even if its a guidance Councillor, a parent, or your family doctor. Especially your family doctor.You are who you are but if you don't enjoy life then do something to change it. Action is the hardest step in battling mental issues like depression. Wait for a day when you feel like making a change, and hold on to that feeling and see someone. If you do that you have far more courage than those who struggle alone.

 

 

I signed up for this site to post this because the wording of the original thread was exactly how I felt when I was 17-19. I'm better at controlling those negative emotions now but I still need help from those around me, and so do you. I will say again. Just because you don't suffer from major depression does not mean you do not have a mild or moderate form of depression, dysthymia, or several other mood disorders. If you don't want to take medication, don't take it. If you don't believe in depression or think doctors slap it on everyone who walks through the door, firstly your wrong, but secondly take the steps that they suggest that doesn't compromise your views and tell them have you feel about depression. There is no help without discussion. For one final time I urge you to talk to your family doctor, parent or a trusted friend (if you are older). Life should and can be easier than how it is now. I really hope you find a way to feel better.

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I think I may have gone through a period where I've felt this kind of despair. I still go through it from time to time. Periods where I really hope that a freak accident would just kill me off. I don't want to kill myself, and I am not actively seeking death. I guess if I died today, I wouldn't mind too much. But then there are things in life that I still want to do and feel the need to accomplish. These are things that keep me here. There are people that I don't want to hurt too, and they keep me here.

 

I don't really enjoy living or life itself though. Sure there are some really awesome moments but there so many things that make me feel like crap on a daily basis that it's hard to stay happy for long. It all seems too annoying to live with sometimes. Oftentimes I find myself living in or escaping to a dream world, and I get so dissatisfied with the way things are going in my life. Yet I feel powerless to change it. My life will never be as perfect as the dreams. I think most people are full of crap too. Sometimes I think it's too hard. On those days, I do whatever it takes to get me to perk up again, usually I choose not to do anything that I am supposed to do. Yeah, and sometimes I feel like I am stuck in a life that I've been forced to live with but want nothing to do with. I guess that's partly my fault though... for not working harder at making my life the best that it can be. But sometimes I just can't be stuffed, I am happy where I am. It's the other people that aren't. I think maybe I was too spoiled as a child and this has me a little disillusioned with life. I'm not supposed to get what I want 24/7? What is this. LOL. Making this seemingly useless post has made me realise something really important. Really cathartic. Thanks, OP.

 

I believe there are lessons that I need to learn by being on this earth though, and I will never understand what they are until after I've learnt it. It's like we don't have the capacity to understand until we have lived every single day of our lives. Then, on our deathbed, we will reach some kind of understanding. We will be enlightened. Until then, I keep on living. Trudging along as we all do.

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  • 1 year later...

Uh, sorry sorry for this being such a late notice, a three year break between this post actually. On that, I'm not sure if you will see this reply or not, but I am going to continue on ahead anyways. I do not think you are depressed in the least, also I am not sure if you have this solved so I will speak my thoughts. To this day, yes I am younger than you, possibly more naive. I have not lived a long life yet, but it seems as though I do not want to. Using the internet to look for options seemed like something to do, not because I knew I'd find the answers, but because I wanted to see other thoughts. Most of them cracked and said humorous things. My opinion, is that suicide does not solve anything. Yes, if that one person is suffering it may end everything for them, but then the people they left behind are missing them. For me, I wouldn't really care if my friends or anyone missed me, but it is hard to think of leaving the ones you love. I've thought about suicide a lot, every night, but I do not have the courage to do it. I'm not really worried about the method, whether I have to endure pain or not, but I'm rather conflicted with divine punishment. I'm not really too hard on religion by means, but I do have faith in my God. I always wonder what I should do as a career in my future. I have my obsessions and fetishes, but working a normal job seemed too boring. Living the "American Dream," it seems too horrible. Such a life, I wonder if they're really bored. Ah, sorry, I got off track, but suicide seems like an easy option, neh? Just to get out of this dull life. Sometimes, I wonder if we're just here to entertain God, oh, but then I thought to myself, where's our entertainment? It is easy to take a life, despite what people say about having to go through mental options. "Should I really do this?" "What will become of me?" "Is this really it?" In this life, people tend to become bored and unsatisfied with their daily life. "How would it feel to take a life?" A question I ask myself everyday. Once again, the divine punishment wanders into my thoughts. Personally, I think being a psychopath would be fun. To be able to create a scene like a drunk man wouldn't care. It just seems like, "what is this?" Oh, life sure is a handful. This sure is getting quite long though, and If you're looking for an answer, sorry dear, I have non. Others suggest getting into something spiritually, or religiously or maybe indulging in something that will take your mind away for a little bit. Sometimes it's good to embrace the good and bad options. Mm, if you will, would you mind telling me your thoughts on life? I would love to hear them, aha, despite you may or may not reading this. I wouldn't be surprized if you didn't. ^_^

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My dear sir, your denial of depression does not qualify as an official diagnosis. You have made statements which reflect feelings of hopelessness and despair. Your circumstances have you in dire straits. The stress alone can trigger negative biochemical reactions, and YES, in this society, if you want to end your life, you are irrational. Unless you're suffering from a terminal disease or on life support, wanting to die is irrational. Please seek help. I'm sure your family would appreciate efforts in that direction more so than your absence in their lives and the mortgage being paid off.

 

I completely agree with above. Just thinking about want to end your life is irrational. Some people really born with that sensitivity, some people are insensitive but they're strong. Sensitive people will think too much and be hurt easily, thus will want to give up on life more.

 

I'm sensitive and when I felt lonely, I used to think about "what if I died?" Would people finally miss me? Regretted that they ignored and rejected me? But then I realized, yes, they would mourn for me, for weeks, my parents maybe the most despair take them months or years, but eventually they will move on, life moves on. That's natural.

 

What about me? I wouldn't matter anymore, I've gone! What happened after life? I was definitely going to hell...forever. Just thinking about that, really scared me...I don't want to be punished and tormented...forever. I'd rather live my life, no matter how hard it is, no matter how painful it is, no matter how lonely I am, it's not going to be forever. Just like after stormy rain, the sky is always clearer, the air is fresher and there's rainbow! That's life is, like a wheel, sometimes you're on the top, sometimes you're on the bottom, but eventually you will be on the top again.

 

Happiness is the decision you make everyday when you wake up every morning. Are you going to let anyone annoy you? make you upset? make you angry? No one has the right to control you but yourself.

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  • 3 weeks later...
i dont have depression or any kind of mental disorder, and i'm not crazy or irrational. i've been looking around the internet for opinions about suicide and too many are saying that if you want to kill yourself then you must be sick, which just isn't the case for me.

 

i don't know where i'm going with this or why i'm writing it. i guess i'm just wondering if anyone else relates or gets what i'm saying..

 

 

I'm exactly the same, im perfectly fine in life but all the time theres this little voice thats telling me to think about it, as much as i try and force it out it doesnt work, i dont see why everybody tells people not to commit suicide because it is their choice and if someone does not want to live they shouldent have to, mostly the reason why i think about suicide is the simple fact that i want to know what happens when you die, but then again i dont want to put my mum through the pain because she has nobody apart from me i have not told anybody how i feel about this because im scared of what they would think.

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  • 2 years later...

I actually know what you are saying. This thread is a few years old so I hope you see this. I've never met anyone else like this. Everyday I think about wanting to kill myself but I'm not depressed nor have I been diagnosed with a mental Illness but the desire to end my life is as real as any depressed. Persons sadness. I guess the only reason I stick around is my actual fear of dying. I love my family for what its worth I guess but I don't feel the need for me to be around for them to be happy. I don't know if that makes sense. I don't feel connected to anybody here and sort of just live in my own head. I don't know man. I made an acount on this site just now to reply to you. Maybe one day I'll just ing wig myself. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week life will be different. This world is so big with so many ppl its hard to believe any Any of us are significant. Peace

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  • 1 month later...

it's been years since you guys posted and here am i reading your posts, most of which are all too relatable and also very insightful.

Most of you say you're not depressed or anything. i thought so too, i thought that was just the way i was but years passed and after thorough evaluation major depressive disorder turned out to be just the start of my issues.

i hope you guys have found some kind of help and support through the years.

anyway, i'm not going to kill myself or anything, i'm just reading this because i'm having a relapse and i used to think i wouldn't kill myself so as not to put mum through the pain of it but now she's dying and i catch myself thinking as soon as she's free of the earthly vessel i'll also be free to follow her. I won't do it but that the thoughts are occurring is troublesome enough i think.

I am medicated and monitored by a professional and i promised myself i would give life my best shot no matter how bad it gets. it'll either work or it won't and it'll destroy me and it'll be over anyway. nothing to lose.

I do wonder how people feel years after feeling so down. Has it gotten better? It gets better for me, some periods in life are okay. But I relapse time and again and I probably will for life so I'm just trying to get used to the fact I'll never be a happy go lucky but if I accept the fluctuations in mood with less drama they'll probably pass sooner and more smoothly.

Anyways, take care folks, hope you're all doing better nowadays.

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  • 2 years later...

It's very early in the morning which might explain why I happened to come across this thread in the first place. I know I'm late to the discussion but I would like to add some of my own experiences in hopes that it might help answer some questions for other readers in the future.

 

I am 20 years old, almost 21 and what I've noticed is that I'll amuse myself with the thought of dying. NOT SUICIDE mind you, only the thought of being dead. I don't really care how I die, it could be anything from cancer to a car accident; as long as I'm dead I'm fine. The thoughts that follow usually sound like this:

"But my family would be pretty upset if I died"

"I don't want to hurt others with my death, if only there was a way to just die without anyone knowing or caring"

"I guess I'll just wait to die a natural death..."

The most interesting part about my experience is that these thoughts can happen at any given time. I can be in a very elated mood and still have thoughts about wanting my life to end. It just sounds so much more appealing to me than living out the rest of my life. It's just such a drag to continue living the rest of my natural life, I don't need to be conscious through it, I don't want to deal with the struggles or even the "good times".

 

 

Most of the major points on as to why peebo or someone in a similar position would want to end their life, has already been covered by the people before me, however, there is one thing I did not see posted. (This comes from my own opinions/experiences. Might not apply to all people) A big reason as to why I would rather be dead is because I know how my life is going to turn out. I know the luck I posses, I know where my place in line is in comparison to the rest of the human race. I know my life will have struggles that even money and friends can't prevent. I know in life, when it feels like you've hit rock bottom and you know is going to continue to get worse and you feel like life isn't worth living. You WILL get through it whether you ask to or not. I can honestly say that I don't ask to get through it anymore, it's not fun, it's bland. There's no point in feeling sad in tough times because it's just a matter of time before things start to look up again but at the same time there is no reason to be happy either. & that is just the pattern of life especially for an average joe like myself. I mean what's the best thing that could happen to me? I could meet the love of my life. Meh, I could care less. I could win the lottery and never work a day in my life again. Meh, I would still rather earn my money myself.

 

On top of this, I don't want to grow to be old, I don't want kids either, I don't want a relationship with anyone nor do I want to do a "friends with benefits" type of deal.

I can say I'm pretty content with who I am as a person and I accept that everyone else has the right to live their lives the way they want to but I don't see myself fitting in with the whole of society and I have no interest in begging for societies validation so that I can feel "normal".

 

It's really hard to put all these thoughts into words let alone a thread post. I hope this message wasn't too incoherent and I hope it helps others understand their own issues. I am also very tired.

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