#3

Today is not a great day. I just feel drained and empty. I miss home so much.. I miss everyone, friends, family, and my boyfriend. I just want time to pass and to get on with life.

Everyone says college is supposed to be the best time of my life, but it's not. I want to move on to bigger things.

I just want to cry tonight.

I'm driving myself crazy.

Yesterday, the guy my boyfriend really doesn't like (he's friends with me at school and he's caused some issues, even though I have no feelings for him whatsoever and I never have) replied to a post I made on facebook.

I immediately panicked. I was so scared my boyfriend would see it and it would cause a fight. So I removed the post I made, which in turn deleted the post he made. Right after, I saw that my boyfriend was online. What if he saw the post and then noticed that it was gone??

Wow, I am going nuts. If he did see it and did see that I deleted it, he will think I am hiding things from him - this is what he thought last time. Which is does look bad, but really I was avoiding a fight - like I was last time - and that only caused a fight. Right after I did it, I regretted it. I should have just left it. he can know that I have friends that are guys and he would be happier I think than if I hid it.

Why am I crazy and messing up like this?

and now I feel like he's mad at me but I think I'm just paranoid. I don't know.

but then part of me thinks - hes on vacation, he's not gonna bring up something that bothers him. but then he will be holding it in and it will come up later.

The worrier inside of me doesn't want to let it go because I'm afraid it will come up again and I want to be prepared. I am so ridiculous. He just doesn't seem very friendly towards me today and last night I said love you and he said you too. I am reading WAAAAY too much into this. He is on vacation, he doesn't want to talk to me all the time and that's completely understandable. GAH. I am so stupid sometimes.

Things don't happen for a reason. They just don't.

I really don't have strong opinions about many things, but this topic, I do.

For example:

I worked at a movie store for three years. I met my boyfriend there because he rented movies a lot. That's like me saying... There's a reason I got that job, it was so I could meet you!

That's nonsense. If I had gotten a job somewhere else, I could have met someone different.

To me, saying that there's a reason behind everything is like saying that fate exists.

If fate exists, then I should only have met my boyfriend at the movie store. Any other guy could have come in and I could have fallen in love with him. That's not fate. Or reason. That's just life.

I think it's like religion. People want something to believe in. When something bad happens, people want to blame it on something or put a reason behind it..

My dad was an alcoholic. Oh, well that must have happened for a reason. I HAVE learned things because of him, but say he hadn't been an alcoholic. I would have learned something else from that.

I mean, I think that things just happen. And you can put your own reason behind them. I think it would be more accurate if we exchanged the word reason for "lesson".

I just can sit around and think that things happen for a reason. I don't know if I believe in God so maybe that's related. Things just happen and I find it easier to live thinking that way. Like, why did I get rear ended in the city? Because you did. Not because you were supposed to learn to drive or something stupid like that.

I mean, if there's a reason behind everything,then esssentially we are all connected. Because your reason might interfere with someone elses that connects you.

It's so hard to explain. But I just believe it.

Today he called me and said

"I miss you and even though I don't like to say it, I love you"

he said he wasn't being a good boyfriend and had an epiphany

he said he didn't reinforce his feelings enough

he made me feel lots better, even though I wasn't feeling down it was just nice to hear

I knew he had been more distant and I'm glad he finally realized it too

I think this is because yesterday, our morning text was very short and when I told him to have a good day, he never replied. 12 hours later I got a text saying he "remembered when he had a sexy gf who texted him all day."

I purposely didn't text him all day because I thought he could text me first cause usually it was me. I think that caught him off guard. I told him I figured he was busy if he didn't answer so that's why I never texted. Then he was more affectionate last night and today and then he calls and tells me he loves me and had an epiphany..

so yeah

I want to spend Christmas with him...

I know he wants to work and get his hours, but it would just be so nice

I won't say anything to him cause he has the right to do whatever he wants and I know he needs the money.

Just sucks cause I haven't seen him since November 29th; I miss him so bad..

hopefully he will come back for New Years..

note to self: look up book on co-dependency..