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I slapped my girlfriend across the face, and now I've lost her.


omgheat

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My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years(in January.) We've always gotten along great, we've both made various sacrifices during our relationship. She is 22, and I am 25. About 6 months in to our relationship she lost her license, and also her best friend of many years. So for two and a half years I was basically her chauffeur, taking her everywhere she needed to go. And since she lost her best friend, and did not really have anyone else she was friends with at that point. I made sacrifices to keep her spirits high, and spend as much time with her as possible so she would not be alone. So not only was i being her boyfriend, but I was being her bestfriend as well, giving up time with my friends to be with her. Which I was completely ok with because I love her unbelievably much.

 

Well earlier this year she started to become friends with girls that she worked with who are also her age. Being 22 and never really going out to bars with friends and enjoying herself, she started going out with them occasionally. On acouple of occassions I went with her and her friends. I saw no ill intent on her part, they would usually just sit at a table in the corner of the bars and talk. More times than not though it has only been the girls, and she says this because she feels like I'm the 4th wheel when they go out, but if her friends boyfriend is there I am welcome to come along also.

 

Well I come from a family where my dad was an abusive alcoholic towards my mother. My mom and my sister both raised with not alot from my dad. Both of them are very over-emotional and make alot out of things that really aren't there, and always think on the negative side of things. Unfortunately, some of these traits have worn off on me, and I am a very emotional person, and I get very jealous when it comes to my girlfriend talking to other guys. I try to control it, but it puts an uneasy feeling in my gut(my dad cheated on my mom with them same woman for 4 years.) So now that she has her lisence back, shes been taking her car downtown, and drinking too much so that her vehicle had to remain downtown and I had go and pick her up whenever she was ready to come home. Well her vehicle is registered, and insured in my name so if anything were to happen to it while it was down there it would be my responsibility. This bothered me and I expressed my displeasure with the situation, but she just blew it off and said that it was her car and she can do what she wants with it.

 

She is very independent, very pig-headed, she has been all her life according to her family. When she has an opinion, thats that, and there is no getting your point accross to her. It drives me crazy, sometimes more than others, but we always move past it. Well 3 weeks ago, I was very sick with a sinus infection, I missed two days of work and was stuck in bed all day. I had to go to work on Saturday at 8 a.m. And she decided to go out and drink too much, so I got a text message saying she needed me to pick her up. She wouldn't tell me a time, and kept saying soon and that she was having a good time and didn't want to come home yet. Well we decided on midnight, so when I got downtown the parking lot was full so I drove around and texted her that when she got there to text me so I could pull in. Well 15 minutes later, I get a text message saying that her friend Kiara was going to bring her home when they were ready. I was mad, she knew it, I went home and went to bed, and she didn't get home until 3:30. She apologized profusely the next day, so I let it go. Well the following Sunday, her and her co-workers went to dinner for one of their birthdays, I was still sick so I did not attend. Well I get a message from her saying that shes had too many margaritas, and I'll have to pick her up. So once again her car is being left somewhere instead of being home. So I tell her just let me know what time, and as time goes by I get a message that shes going to go to a bar with 2 of the girls, and that I should come. Well I declined, and I finally went and picked her up at midnight.

 

I was not happy, she was unbelievably intoxicated, stumbling around. When we got home, this was my first mistake, I got into a fight with her while she was drunk, instead of waiting until she was sober to express my feelings about the whole situation happening. Well it got to the point that she started laughing at me when I expressed my feelings. I felt like she was belittling my feelings, and instead of walking away and letting her sober up. I lightly smacked her cheek with my left hand. As soon as I did it, I felt horrible, it was like a ton of bricks dropped into my stomach. She broke down and started crying, and I kept apologizing. I have never hit a girl before, I think it is very wrong, and never should be done under any circumstance. I don't know what happened to me. But I knew as soon as I did it, it was the biggest mistake of my life and I was going to regret it.

 

Well after that night things seemed to be fine, she came home on Weds and made us dinner. I said I didn't want any at first, but she said that she wanted to do something nice for me. So we had a good night, we went to a hockey game on Saturday. And then she left for Boston for three days, for training for work. She got home late Tuesday, so we didn't really get to see each other for a long time. Well Wednesday, she was off, she went to her grandparents with her mom to watch her grandpa for the day. When I got home from work she wasn't home, but when she did get home she acted very cold to me. She said she was going over to her friends house, before she left I pushed the issue. I was scared, well she broke up with me. Told me that she tried to work through it, but she can't stop thinking about it. She told me she weighed all the good times we had against what I did, but still could not get over it.

 

I broke down, I begged and pleaded. She told me she was feeling very uncomfortable, and that she was not scared that I might go into the bedroom and kill her during her sleep. I think shes over reacting. But I don't think what I did in slapping her is in no way justified. When I slapped her I didn't even make her face red. I would never cause any physical pain to her. It was just to get her attention, to say "hey I'm talking here." I tried everything for 5 days to get her back, bought her flowers, candy, wrote her tons of notes, and letters. All to no avail. We have to live together for 4 more months. Were in a lease until February, so I have been sleeping on the couch. Well Monday of this week, I bought her a bottle of wine, had a nice hot bubble bath ready for her, wrote her a note that I just wanted to her relax and to not even think about me and that I wouldn't bother her. Well that went down the drain cause she didn't get home until midnight, when she got out of work at ten. So I told her what I had done when she got home, and she told me I needed to stop doing everything that I was doing. And if I didn't she was going to go spend the rest of the week at her sisters, and then figure out where to go from there.

 

At that point I stepped back and looked at the situation, and we ended up talking until 3 a.m. that night, and we expressed all of the problems that we had with each other in the relationship. I've come to the conclusion, that we have 4 months to live together, and that the only thing that will work at this point is time and space. Shes been hanging out with her friends alot, and I've been moping around, but been trying to keep myself occupied with my friends and family. Wednesday she went to Conneticut to an aquarium with her friends and the next day showed me all the pictures and told me about everything there. We watched our favorite t.v. show together on Tuesday, and when we are at home together we've been talking alot. I told her what I thought about the time and space, and that maybe we can work things out. I asked her if she thought we could be together again. She said, "not right now, but who knows what happens in the future." And she told me that she still loves me, but thinks that if I did it once, I'll do it again. I told her I'd go to anger management and jealousy therapy, she told me I don't need it.

 

I am heart broken, I am hanging on to hope that we can work things together, but she keeps telling me that I have to move on, and that I'll be ok. I feel like I have a hurricane in my stomach, I can't keep food down, I keep getting sick. I cry myself to sleep every night, and I just wish I could go into our bedroom and hold her in my arms. I miss her incredibly even though shes only a room a way. This is the girl I want to spend my life with, and I know she is young and has a lot of growing up to do still. But I want to be there with her as she does it. I feel like she makes me a better person, and makes me want to succeed in life. I don't know what to do, I'm a mess. My heart starts pounding every time she gets home. I know what I did was wrong, and it's one of the two things a guy can do that is unforgivable. And I'm holding on to hope that she can find it in her heart to forgive me. I don't want to lose her. Her family knows(I told her mom, and apologized both to her father and mother.) Her mom has become a second mom to me, she told me that she doesn't condone my actions, but understands why I became so upset, and that shes been dealing with her stubborness her entire life. And she thanked me for being open and honest with her. My family knows, I think they all deserve to. I'm embarassed and ashamed of myself, but I will not hide what I did. I feel horrible. What can I do try to get her back? I don't want to seem desperate to her. Or do you guys think I don't deserve to be with her?

 

Sorry this was so long, I just wanted some different opinions, as I have read some of the threads you have on the bored. Thank you for listening.

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Well, the way I see it is that you are doing the right thing by apologizing to her, but maybe give her some space and let her clear her mind and think again. I feel like the more you go after her, the more scared she'll get and back off. The fact that her mother understands you is a big plus in my opinion. I don't think you don't deserve to be with her, we all make mistakes and you offered to get help to make sure you won't be doing the same mistake again. There's nothing else you can do to make the situation better, it's her that should realize that and I think time will help that.

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But I don't think what I did in slapping her is in no way justified. When I slapped her I didn't even make her face red. I would never cause any physical pain to her. It was just to get her attention, to say

That in no way makes it ok.

 

Fact is, you did hit her. And she doesn't want to be with someone who thinks that it is acceptable. If your GF knows about your abusive Dad, that is probably partly what she is thinking about right now. It hardly ever starts as an outright beating, abuse works up to that.

 

Her mom saying she understands doesn't make it right. It just makes her Mom sound weird and unsympathetic to her daughter - blaming her for it.

 

You have to work at moving on.

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"can you still be friends with her family if you want to?

they sound important to you. "

 

well her dad is verbally abusive towards her mom, as I lived with them for almost a year because I had no place to go I got to see up close and in person. And I think her dad being as verbally abusive towards her entire family has caused her to keep her emotions cut off alot of the time. her mom told me that shes hit her husband before, and that he has hit her back. her dad now wants to kill me, which I understand as any father should.

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That in no way makes it ok.

 

Fact is, you did hit her. And she doesn't want to be with someone who thinks that it is acceptable. If your GF knows about your abusive Dad, that is probably partly what she is thinking about right now. It hardly ever starts as an outright beating, abuse works up to that.

 

Her mom saying she understands doesn't make it right. It just makes her Mom sound weird and unsympathetic to her daughter - blaming her for it.

 

You have to work at moving on.

 

 

I didn't say that it was ok at all, I know it was wrong. Her mom was not saying that she understood that I hit her. She was saying that she understand why I got as frustrated as I did, and she supports her daughters decision no matter what it is 100%. I'm willing to get help.

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and ending the relationship with your gf, how does that go?

can you see it as a positive move.

threating violence is enough to make most people leave,how hard you hit is a different matter.

the threat is the issue,i think your relationship is over.

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and ending the relationship with your gf, how does that go?

can you see it as a positive move.

threating violence is enough to make most people leave,how hard you hit is a different matter.

the threat is the issue,i think your relationship is over.

 

For her to feel threatened to the point she thinks I'm going to kill her, I think thats overreacting. We've been together for almost 4 years. I have never thought about hitting her before, she has never been scared of me before. Do I know if I'll ever do it again? No, I never thought I could do it in the first place. That's why I'm willing to get counseling.

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going to counselling works if its to learn how to be a better you.

you have surprized yourself by hitting this lady,imagine how surprized she is.

she's grown up with abuse,she knows it gets worse,she knows not to listen to promises.

get counselling for you not for your relationship.

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trezz,

i have looked at her from her perspective, and i know she is in shock from it. it was a huge lapse of judgement, and like i said the biggest mistake of my life. obviously you are the kind of woman who thinks along the same lines as my girfriend. she has every right to be scared, and to be shocked by actions. i know i am not that type of person. i know that it will take a long time to be able to earn back her trust. i completely agree with you, its just very hard to cope with. and shes the most important thing to me in my life and i don't want to lose her for forever.

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i do feel for you,but seriously her whole life has taught her not to listen to what she will only see as excuses.

 

i can only suggest telling her you respect her wanting to end the relationship,that you want to go to counselling for you.

if she is important to you show her that you respect her.

trying to make her stay will only seem like emotional blackmail.

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trezz,

 

i told her that i was sorry for doing everything i could to keep her with me. i told her it was wrong of me, and that to her it probably felt like i was trying to justify what i did. i also told her that there is absolutely no excuse for my actions. and that i would respect her, and give her her time and space. right now that is the only thing that can help the situation, and if she finds it in her heart to forgive me, great. if not then hopefully we can stay friends, and i'll just have to move on and hurt for a long time.

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ok first of all... what in the god green earth were you thinking when you slapped her... a real man never slapps nor hits there women... I think that u seriously need to think about controling your anger... that is why you lost this women... u hit her and us women doesn't like that at all from a man... we just want to be loved , cared for, and wanted....

 

As far as the apologizing that was good, but now you got to learn how to regain her trust, love, respect, everything that you and her once had you have to gain back....

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ok first of all... what in the god green earth were you thinking when you slapped her... a real man never slapps nor hits there women... I think that u seriously need to think about controling your anger... that is why you lost this women... u hit her and us women doesn't like that at all from a man... we just want to be loved , cared for, and wanted....

 

As far as the apologizing that was good, but now you got to learn how to regain her trust, love, respect, everything that you and her once had you have to gain back....

 

princess... i have no idea what i was thinking, i knew as soon as i did it, that it was the biggest mistake of my life. like i told my friends, i became the person that i despise most. i think all guys who abuse, or cheat on their women are scum. so yes i think i am scum right now. i know that i am not that person, i know i should of walked away and cooled down. very rarely do i get angry, i don't know what came over me. i'm not going to come up with excuses, because there is none. all i know is this girl is special, i have enjoyed almost 4 years of my life with her, and that it has been the best years of my life. i don't think that she'll ever take me back, i don't blame her if she doesn't. i'm holding on to hope, and slowly falling away from me. i disrespected her, and now i feel like the lowest piece of trash in the world. i love her more than words can say. my heart weeps.

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she goes out maybe once a week for girls night. she has not driven her car intoxicated, she is responsible enough to know that she should not. she is 22, shes out having fun. we all have gone through that stage at some point during our lives. so maybe right now she needs her independence. i mean if we don't get back together in the next 4 months, then maybe our paths will cross again. everything happens for a reason. other than her going out and having a good time, we have not grown apart, we enjoy doing all the same things, we both have the same views on relationships, and the majority of the time we agree with each other. every relationship has there problems, and arguements. maybe we just need time apart so that she can be a young twenty two year old girl, and enjoy life to know what she truly wants.

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I think you should get some counselling to deal with the anger issues that resulted in violence - violence is never acceptable and you really do need to deal with that. Talking to someone about your family history is a necessary part of dealing with that issue so you can learn how to cope with it so you don't follow the pattern.

 

So deal with your violence. I think you already know this.

 

But there is another issue here that also needs addressing - assume for a moment that you had not slapped her accross the face but had contained your anger and gone to bed. Would you have still stayed with your girlfriend given her propensity to go out to bars and get drunk and incapable and then use you as a taxi service? Why were you doing that?

 

I suspect that you have deeper-seated issues that go beyond the use of violence - allowing yourself to be treated like that is also disturbing and it is likely that the two issues are inter-related.

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"But there is another issue here that also needs addressing - assume for a moment that you had not slapped her accross the face but had contained your anger and gone to bed. Would you have still stayed with your girlfriend given her propensity to go out to bars and get drunk and incapable and then use you as a taxi service? Why were you doing that?"

 

i know what she was doing was wrong, everytime she went out she wouldn't get completely wasted. but if she felt the least bit intoxicated that she shouldn't be behind the wheel of her car, she would either get a ride from myself or one of her friends(in her situation where she just got her license back, I would hope she would be smart enough not to do something to lose it again.) i'm not going to say no, i went out occasionally with them. and i would worry too much if i had said no, find your own way home. since she got her license back it had only happened probably 2 or 3 times. and yes it was becoming a problem and thats why i addressed. i just chose to do that at the wrong time, and i lost my self-control.

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She was being disrespectful to your wishes in the relationship and not taking you seriously, then she was not willling to compromise on what you both wanted--that was strike 2. From what you said it sounds like she wasn't truly ready for a LTR, she was still struggling with indedependance and she was beginning to learn that she could walk over you.

 

I do agree that you shouldn't of hit her, but she did deserve a figurative "slap in the face." And even though you barely touched her, and felt completely awful about it, she exploded the situation and "ended" your relationship based on that. Personally I think that she was planning on seeing what life was like without you, and she was starting to emotionally distance herself from you.

 

This may be controversial, but a man should be in control of the situation. She was being rude and disrespectful and she needed to understand that what she was doing was wrong. If you let a woman walk all over you (like she was) then she'll continue doing it until you step up. I would say the best thing to do now for you would be to ignore her for a while to see what life is really life without you, make her question her decision.

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thanks blue man, but do you think that if she wasn't ready for an LTR that she would of realized that before we were together for almost 4 years? shes done alot of growing up since we started dating. and i think she was ready for an LTR, she even said repeatedly i was the guy she wanted to spend her life with. she was sexually active at the age of 13, and had 11 partners before myself.

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What I find most disturbing is you trying to downplay the situation by saying you didn't even mark her or make her face red.

 

That's beyond the point. If you slapped her like that in anger, she may well have come to the conclusion that she doesn't want to see what happens next time you get angry.

 

If she had come here and said 'I was drunk, I behaved badly and my boyfriend slapped me, what should I do?' then there would be a wave of people telling her to get out of the relationship before you have a chance to do worse.

 

Perhaps you never would and maybe it really was a complete one-off. But - many abusive relationships can start from a woman not taking action when a man physically exerts himself against her, and when you let it go once, it gets harder to make a big deal the second time. If you can forgive once, you can forgive twice, right?

 

That may be what she has considered. It's certainly what I would have thought.

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