Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 6 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 53

Thread: Was your ex selfish?

  1. #1
    Leveller
    Bronze Member Leveller's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    UK
    Age
    43
    Posts
    281
    Gender
    Male

    Was your ex selfish?

    If so how do you get it accross to a selfish person that their actions are/were unacceptable?

    Although I have a PhD my ex managed to play on my feelings and manipulate me to the point where I didn't know whether I was coming or going. She knows I still love her, is seeing someone else, and wants to remain 'friends'.

  2. #2
    leda
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    101
    Gender
    Female
    I HATE it when they say they just want to be friends! I'm too angry to hear those words from my ex. It's another selfish thing that they need, so they can clear their conscience and sleep at night I think. The best thing you can do is cut your ex off for good. It will become clear to her that she is the one who screwed up.

  3. #3
    Crazyaboutdogs
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Canada
    Age
    53
    Posts
    25,673
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    21
    Quote Originally Posted by Leveller [Register to see the link]
    If so how do you get it accross to a selfish person that their actions are/were unacceptable?

    Although I have a PhD my ex managed to play on my feelings and manipulate me to the point where I didn't know whether I was coming or going. She knows I still love her, is seeing someone else, and wants to remain 'friends'.
    You tell them and then you walk away from them. Selfish people have thick skulls...you can tell them that their behaviour is horrible but they deny, deny, deny, twist blame around, create a storm in a teacup in order to deflect from their wrongdoing etc. Intelligence and success has no bearing on selfish people because these people themselves have PhDs in control and manipulation. They may be dumb as posts in everything else but their claim to fame and where they excel is in control, manipulation and often emotional abuse. They prey on people who love them and people who have integrity. Those people are an easy mark for them...kind of like a person with a wallet in his back pocket is an easy mark for a thief. Unscrupulous people take advantage of those with integrity and those with a warm heart, no matter how smart they are. What you can do, however, is refuse to be friends with your ex and shut her out of your life now that she has moved on to someone else. That would allow you to take back control over your life.

  4. #4
    itsallgrand
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    14,455
    Thanked
    1684
    My ex was selfish.

    Relief came when I finally realized, and let go of, wanting or trying to teach or to change his behavior in any way.

    So that meant accepting that I had to walk away. Not to get results from him. For myself; it was the only thing to do in order to stay true to myself.

    It's easy to get wrapped up in someone else to the point where it becomes difficult to see anymore what is them/their and what is your own.

    Follow your own inner voice and you will be just fine. I know it's cliche. It is so true though. Sometimes in order to hear it correctly; you need to move away from and not have to wrestle with the outside noise of someone else for a while. And sometimes once you've done that you realize their voice is totally incongruous with what you want in your life.

  5. #5
    Leveller
    Bronze Member Leveller's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    UK
    Age
    43
    Posts
    281
    Gender
    Male
    My god this is SO TRUE. I will say this though my ex is very clever but has dumbed herself down to fit in. Us not working/and not getting back together was down to her pretty much alone. The way she is doing in the current relationship is following the same pattern ours did. I did very little wrong, I loved her unconditionally. She is a selfish liar who is unhappy with her own life. She probably (almost certainly) wants both me and him in her life. She treats those close to her like crap and they put up with it. At some point in her life this will all come crashing down. The more I am away from her mind games and manipulation the more I see her for what and who she is (and where I have gone wrong). None of this means I don't care for her and love her but there are limits to the extent selfish behaviour will be tolerated.

    I have known many men and women put up with all sorts of crap over the years perhaps for fear of being alone or low self-esteem. This is not a recipe for happiness or for a balanced relationship.

  6. #6
    Leveller
    Bronze Member Leveller's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    UK
    Age
    43
    Posts
    281
    Gender
    Male
    Your right. In order to think clearly and prioritise yourself you must get rid of the outside (background) noise of the selfish ex. Otherwise they will take, take, take and give little or nothing in return with no personal cost to themsleves. My ex was always up front about her personality traits (lying, selfishness and potential for infidelity) but these were not issues that manifested themsleves until I stopped being myself and became a doormat after losing my job and having to move back to our village and live with my mother. I am much more of myself now.

  7. #7
    mad rabbits
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Posts
    955
    Thanked
    1
    The whole "actions count more than words" thing goes both ways - it applies to the dumper (who says all the right things but basically doesn't give a crap about you)...but it also applies to the dumpee.

    What I mean is if you tell someone they are selfish they can't hear you. Your continuing a relationship with them, on the other hand, validates their perception that their behaviour is acceptable, they aren't selfish, they are caring people...otherwise why would you hang around?

    When you walk away...then they hear you...actions speak louder than words.

  8. #8
    Leveller
    Bronze Member Leveller's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    UK
    Age
    43
    Posts
    281
    Gender
    Male
    Quote Originally Posted by badhabits [Register to see the link]
    The whole "actions count more than words" thing goes both ways - it applies to the dumper (who says all the right things but basically doesn't give a crap about you)...but it also applies to the dumpee.

    What I mean is if you tell someone they are selfish they can't hear you. Your continuing a relationship with them, on the other hand, validates their perception that their behaviour is acceptable, they aren't selfish, they are caring people...otherwise why would you hang around?

    When you walk away...then they hear you...actions speak louder than words.
    This is also true and I'm glad I've learned to walk away. I have a gut instinct that not only will she get back in touch but that she might also want to get back into my life. She has admitted I am the best looking person she has ever gone out with, still 'loves me as a person' and we still get on like a house on fire despite saying 'we're worlds apart'. Fool of a woman.

  9. #9
    mad rabbits
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Posts
    955
    Thanked
    1
    If she knows you mean business she'll stay away.

    Just block her entirely. Block her number and her emails - the lot.

    That says you mean business.

  10. #10
    Mustachio
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Age
    33
    Posts
    1,853
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    2
    I agree with everything that has been said before.

    People who are truly selfish will never learn! You cannot let them know because as was said, they will twist it around and call you selfish for trying to hurt them by calling them selfish.

    Quick story about my ex. She cheated on me, pulled me back in numerous times, didnt do very much to right her wrongs, then became extremely needy of me and my time to the point where I began to pull away from everyone else in my life. At one point I accused her of being selfish, the most admittance I got was her telling me that yes she was selfish in this relationship because of me, either because I was wrong for her or because I was not meeting her needs. Exactly, not meeting her selfish needs, and therefore somehow her selfishness was only caused by me, not her. Give me a break.

  11.  

Page 1 of 6 1234 ... LastLast
Top Threads
Why is he cheating on his girlfriend with his ex?
My husband and I had separated for a short time, my choice. I was having an emotional affair with this man for a few months prior to me leaving. I
Recently Married with an infant. Reconnected with love of life
Man where do I begin? First of all let me tell you I never thought I would be in this situation and I just don't know what's the right answer. I'm
First love coming around
Hey..I cant talk about this with friends or family as they love my current boyfriend..so do I..we have been together for 7 years..but my ex..my first
Ex needs help getting a ring
Okay to cut it short I was dating this guy for about 5 months until I ended it due to religious differences but we still liked each other. We remain
FWB with my EX?
Just recently I broke up with my boyfriend of ten months because I wasn't getting the treatment I deserve. In ten months he hadn't taken me out on a
Ex boyfriend showing up annanounced
Hi all, I'm new here and looking for some advice. I have been single for almost a year now after finding out my ex was messaging other women
Just wanting some advice about my ex-bf
Hi, I am just looking for some advice or even just wanting a place where I can vent my thoughts. My ex-bf broke up with me 4 days ago. I'm quite

Expert Advice
Featured Threads
my boyfriend mom is my boyfriends girlfriend, thats just the way it seem!
Ive known my boyfriend for years, but, we never dated UNTIL a year ago. And some things has start to bother me about him and his mom relationship
Disconnect
This might sound weird I never brought it up to anyone. Does anyone else feel a huge disconnect. What I mean I always feel like I'm just reading a
Wife thought I shaved body hair I never had, is she cheating
I had my shirt off this morning and my wife of 23 years asked why I shaved my shoulder hair. I have never had body hair from birth on shoulders
5 years together, no reason for splitting..
Hi, thanks for taking the time to read this. Um, so. My girlfriend of 5 years (i'm 25) split with me. And i'm torturing myself over not
How do you know when it's Love?
I've been dating a man since early November. I met him through mutual friends and we spent a lot of time being friends only before we started dating
Tired of being alone
I work two jobs and go to school, I only have one night a week where I am off before 10pm and on those days I'm off at 6:00. My life is crazy but
Playing the field - When do you stop talking with other people and go exclusive?
I'm about two months into the dating scene after getting out of a four year relationship. I've matched with a number of women on Tinder and Bumble
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •