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Thread: Having sex with husband after he cheated

  1. #1
    Ouzo
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    Having sex with husband after he cheated

    After being married for 22 years and in a pretty good (or so I thought) marriage, I found out that while I was away on a trip, my husband had a one night stand with a girl he met at a bar. She gave him her phone number and after he got home he called her and asked her over. I only found out because there was a used condom on the floor by his night table. The 2 things I feel most hurt about is that he actually went home without her and then called her to come over. That means he really thought about what he was doing and had time to back out but didn't. (of course his excuse was he was so drunk) The other thing I have a hard time with is when I told him he really must have thought about doing it if he went to get condoms he said she the condom. So I said, I guess that means you would have been willing to have unprotected sex with this stranger, and he didn't answer. I equate that with having no respect for me and my health.
    It's been 7 weeks and I am trying to get through this to reconcile my marriage. I don't know if I am over reacting about this being it was one time and he is trying really hard (going to counselling and reading all these books and constantly talking about how he is feeling). I am having a really hard time even after 7 weeks to even want to think about having sex with him again. He says he's really hurt by the fact that I can't show affection (hugging or kissing). I don't know what to do about that. After 7 weeks, would a normal person be ready for sex with their cheating spouse? I definitely do not feel normal, feel very insecure, and angry. And his pressure to show affection is not helping. He feels that if I can't show him affection and have it mean something to me, by now, I must not want to be with him anymore.

  2. #2
    d24
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    It's a lot to get over, putting a time limit is like me saying "how long is a piece of string"
    Though in your husband's place - he's done wrong, I (presume) he's grovelled, and seven weeks is a long time to wait for him. For any guy.

    No affection at all for 7 weeks? Imagine if you wanted a kiss but for seven weeks he backed away ---- naturally he's going to start thinking "she's never going to get over this" or like you said.,.. "you don't want to be with him anymore".

    Real question here is... do you?

  3. #3
    karvala
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    Tell him that the timetable isn't up to him, that you have to work through your feelings and that it will take as long as it will take. Emphasise that it isn't a punishment, and that you are doing your best to get past what he did, but it is going to take time, and he needs to be patient. The situation is of his making, so now he needs to learn to live with it for the time being.

    That's what you tell him. Meanwhile, you need to ask yourself seriously what's going on with you, and what you are capable of. It does take time to get over infidelity, and some people never manage it at all, but at the same time, giving him no affection of any sort for months at a time is placing a huge strain on a fragile relationship, and no matter how hard he tries (and you say he is trying hard), there is a very real limit to how much of that he is going to be able to take (you should not acknowledge this to him yet, however, because that will simply fuel his impatience). Are you in counselling yourself? If not, you should seriously consider going. The sooner you can make a conscious decision to get past the anger you feel towards him, and offer him the chance to actually make you feel better about what's happened and reconcile between you (forgive, in other words; you won't forget and that's fine), the better it will be for both of you. It's okay that you're not there yet, as long as you realise that the present condition is bad for the relationship and needs to be moved past as soon as possible.

  4. #4
    CatsMeeoow
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    Well I thought about what you wrote and while I have never personally been in your shoes I think it would take me many months or possibly a year to get over something like that if I ever did. My first thought is that I would definitely ask for space... either he move into another bedroom or move out so that I felt less pressure from him.

    I find sexual cheating to be a deal buster in my book but lots of marriages get through it and some become stronger... I just don't know that I'm the type of person who could sort through that severe sever in trust. I am sure you have questioned yourself on how you will feel - nervous or panicky if you have to leave him home alone again... I know I would and I just wouldn't want that on my shoulders.

    He is pushing you to show affection and be sexual because in his mind if you are then you have forgiven him and life can go on as before... the problem has been swept under the rug. What he refuses to acknowledge is that this one act will have consequences for the both of you for a long time to come.

    This is a very huge strain on a relationship... I wish you the best to sort through it.

  5. #5
    SamiJayne
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    He cheated on you.
    It shouldn't matter if it's taking you 7 weeks.. or even a year to get comfortable with him again.

    You take your time! He should feel worried.

    Yes going out isn't a problem...
    Taking a girls number IS a problem..
    Going home alone is a good thing...
    Ringing her up and inviting her over.. without thinking about protection.. or you..
    He then had sex with her..
    left evidence of it on the floor..
    and now after 7 weeks thinks its time to get over it?

    Plus.. Trust is a hard thing to get back. Are you ever going to be able to leave him alone again without worrying he's bringing home some other woman? sleeping with her in YOUR marriage bed.
    Your a better person than I am.

  6. #6
    Talus
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    If you hadn't found the condom would he have told you?...


    After doing such a horrible thing, do you really believe this is the first time? Maybe he was just more careful the other times.


    Do not feel bad. Take all the time you need. It's understandable if you can't get over this, then again it's understandable if it takes you upwards of a year... He created this problem, he shattered your trust and dis-respected you and your marriage in one of the worst ways. If he's really sorry, if he's really going to change then time is no issue. If he loves you he will wait as long as it takes and put in the hard yards.

  7. #7
    gsxr104
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    I know how you feel. I think he is pretty .... lucky you didn't leave him. I wouldn't ever be able to trust someone let alone be able to forget the deception that went on. I am really sorry about all of this. When someone is cheated on, they have the right to take as long as they well please to put things into perspective. And you have the right to file for "unreconcilable differences" if you so choose.

  8. 10-14-2009, 11:48 AM
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  9. #8
    Crazyaboutdogs
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    That means he really thought about what he was doing and had time to back out but didn't. (of course his excuse was he was so drunk) The other thing I have a hard time with is when I told him he really must have thought about doing it if he went to get condoms he said she the condom. So I said, I guess that means you would have been willing to have unprotected sex with this stranger, and he didn't answer.
    In what you wrote above, I don't see him REALLY taking responsibility and showing remorse for what he did. I am also highly suspcious that this was not his first indiscretion. Then he gets upset at you for not showing affection within 7 weeks...after you found out that he had sex with another woman in your own home, possibly in your own bed! I would feel repulsed enough not to want to kiss a partner who did that to me. It would take me a lot longer than 7 weeks to want to touch a man who did that to me.

  10. #9
    pumpkinmoon
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    He is the one who messed up. He should be grateful that he is even getting another chance. I think it's disgusting how he is moaning about the state of the relationship at the moment. If he wants to stay with you he should be prepared for things to move at your pace and not his.

  11. #10
    miami
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    Sorry to say this, but there is NO WAY this was the only time he's ever done this. Just not possible. The boldness and balls required to invite a strange woman over to have sex on your bed is WELL BEYOND the limits of a one night stand.

    You may simply never get over this- and that's ok. It is not your fault, and you should not feel pressured to "get over it." Broken trust is hard to recover, and many times it never is.

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