Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 27

Thread: Having sex with husband after he cheated

  1. #1
    Ouzo
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    3

    Having sex with husband after he cheated

    After being married for 22 years and in a pretty good (or so I thought) marriage, I found out that while I was away on a trip, my husband had a one night stand with a girl he met at a bar. She gave him her phone number and after he got home he called her and asked her over. I only found out because there was a used condom on the floor by his night table. The 2 things I feel most hurt about is that he actually went home without her and then called her to come over. That means he really thought about what he was doing and had time to back out but didn't. (of course his excuse was he was so drunk) The other thing I have a hard time with is when I told him he really must have thought about doing it if he went to get condoms he said she the condom. So I said, I guess that means you would have been willing to have unprotected sex with this stranger, and he didn't answer. I equate that with having no respect for me and my health.
    It's been 7 weeks and I am trying to get through this to reconcile my marriage. I don't know if I am over reacting about this being it was one time and he is trying really hard (going to counselling and reading all these books and constantly talking about how he is feeling). I am having a really hard time even after 7 weeks to even want to think about having sex with him again. He says he's really hurt by the fact that I can't show affection (hugging or kissing). I don't know what to do about that. After 7 weeks, would a normal person be ready for sex with their cheating spouse? I definitely do not feel normal, feel very insecure, and angry. And his pressure to show affection is not helping. He feels that if I can't show him affection and have it mean something to me, by now, I must not want to be with him anymore.


  2. #2
    d24
    Platinum Member d24's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    UK
    Age
    32
    Posts
    2,193
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    1
    It's a lot to get over, putting a time limit is like me saying "how long is a piece of string"
    Though in your husband's place - he's done wrong, I (presume) he's grovelled, and seven weeks is a long time to wait for him. For any guy.

    No affection at all for 7 weeks? Imagine if you wanted a kiss but for seven weeks he backed away ---- naturally he's going to start thinking "she's never going to get over this" or like you said.,.. "you don't want to be with him anymore".

    Real question here is... do you?

  3. #3
    karvala
    Platinum Member karvala's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    2,904
    Thanked
    5
    Tell him that the timetable isn't up to him, that you have to work through your feelings and that it will take as long as it will take. Emphasise that it isn't a punishment, and that you are doing your best to get past what he did, but it is going to take time, and he needs to be patient. The situation is of his making, so now he needs to learn to live with it for the time being.

    That's what you tell him. Meanwhile, you need to ask yourself seriously what's going on with you, and what you are capable of. It does take time to get over infidelity, and some people never manage it at all, but at the same time, giving him no affection of any sort for months at a time is placing a huge strain on a fragile relationship, and no matter how hard he tries (and you say he is trying hard), there is a very real limit to how much of that he is going to be able to take (you should not acknowledge this to him yet, however, because that will simply fuel his impatience). Are you in counselling yourself? If not, you should seriously consider going. The sooner you can make a conscious decision to get past the anger you feel towards him, and offer him the chance to actually make you feel better about what's happened and reconcile between you (forgive, in other words; you won't forget and that's fine), the better it will be for both of you. It's okay that you're not there yet, as long as you realise that the present condition is bad for the relationship and needs to be moved past as soon as possible.

  4. #4
    CatsMeeoow
    Platinum Member CatsMeeoow's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    In The Middle Of It All
    Age
    46
    Posts
    3,238
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    73
    Well I thought about what you wrote and while I have never personally been in your shoes I think it would take me many months or possibly a year to get over something like that if I ever did. My first thought is that I would definitely ask for space... either he move into another bedroom or move out so that I felt less pressure from him.

    I find sexual cheating to be a deal buster in my book but lots of marriages get through it and some become stronger... I just don't know that I'm the type of person who could sort through that severe sever in trust. I am sure you have questioned yourself on how you will feel - nervous or panicky if you have to leave him home alone again... I know I would and I just wouldn't want that on my shoulders.

    He is pushing you to show affection and be sexual because in his mind if you are then you have forgiven him and life can go on as before... the problem has been swept under the rug. What he refuses to acknowledge is that this one act will have consequences for the both of you for a long time to come.

    This is a very huge strain on a relationship... I wish you the best to sort through it.

  5. #5
    SamiJayne
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Posts
    819
    He cheated on you.
    It shouldn't matter if it's taking you 7 weeks.. or even a year to get comfortable with him again.

    You take your time! He should feel worried.

    Yes going out isn't a problem...
    Taking a girls number IS a problem..
    Going home alone is a good thing...
    Ringing her up and inviting her over.. without thinking about protection.. or you..
    He then had sex with her..
    left evidence of it on the floor..
    and now after 7 weeks thinks its time to get over it?

    Plus.. Trust is a hard thing to get back. Are you ever going to be able to leave him alone again without worrying he's bringing home some other woman? sleeping with her in YOUR marriage bed.
    Your a better person than I am.

  6. #6
    Talus
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Australia
    Age
    25
    Posts
    225
    Gender
    Male
    If you hadn't found the condom would he have told you?...


    After doing such a horrible thing, do you really believe this is the first time? Maybe he was just more careful the other times.


    Do not feel bad. Take all the time you need. It's understandable if you can't get over this, then again it's understandable if it takes you upwards of a year... He created this problem, he shattered your trust and dis-respected you and your marriage in one of the worst ways. If he's really sorry, if he's really going to change then time is no issue. If he loves you he will wait as long as it takes and put in the hard yards.

  7. #7
    gsxr104
    Platinum Member gsxr104's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Austin,Texas
    Posts
    956
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    1
    I know how you feel. I think he is pretty .... lucky you didn't leave him. I wouldn't ever be able to trust someone let alone be able to forget the deception that went on. I am really sorry about all of this. When someone is cheated on, they have the right to take as long as they well please to put things into perspective. And you have the right to file for "unreconcilable differences" if you so choose.

  8. 10-14-2009, 11:48 AM
    Reason
    troll

  9. #8
    Crazyaboutdogs
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Canada
    Age
    52
    Posts
    25,673
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    16
    That means he really thought about what he was doing and had time to back out but didn't. (of course his excuse was he was so drunk) The other thing I have a hard time with is when I told him he really must have thought about doing it if he went to get condoms he said she the condom. So I said, I guess that means you would have been willing to have unprotected sex with this stranger, and he didn't answer.
    In what you wrote above, I don't see him REALLY taking responsibility and showing remorse for what he did. I am also highly suspcious that this was not his first indiscretion. Then he gets upset at you for not showing affection within 7 weeks...after you found out that he had sex with another woman in your own home, possibly in your own bed! I would feel repulsed enough not to want to kiss a partner who did that to me. It would take me a lot longer than 7 weeks to want to touch a man who did that to me.

  10. #9
    pumpkinmoon
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    5,061
    Thanked
    1
    He is the one who messed up. He should be grateful that he is even getting another chance. I think it's disgusting how he is moaning about the state of the relationship at the moment. If he wants to stay with you he should be prepared for things to move at your pace and not his.

  11. #10
    miami
    Bronze Member miami's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Miami, Florida
    Age
    44
    Posts
    161
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry to say this, but there is NO WAY this was the only time he's ever done this. Just not possible. The boldness and balls required to invite a strange woman over to have sex on your bed is WELL BEYOND the limits of a one night stand.

    You may simply never get over this- and that's ok. It is not your fault, and you should not feel pressured to "get over it." Broken trust is hard to recover, and many times it never is.

  12.  

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Top Threads
He took advantage of my relationship - thoughts?
I am 20 and he is 24. We are work colleagues. I had a long distance boyfriend my age and we were going through very hard times and he knew this. I
Hole in my chest right now
I probably have bigger problems..I have a separate thread for it. I can't help it, I am having an emotional breakdown right now with nobody to talk
Am I as bad as I feel
Hey I'm new to this forum. I recently broke up with my gf of two years. The reason being that I developed feelings for someone else. We've been in a
very confused
I have been married almost 15 years. very soon after our wedding my husband diagnosed with clinical depression and later with bipolar disorder. since
webcams vs porn what is a step too far?
Id like to hear from other people ...... I honesty feel watching, interacting with, live women is overstepping a boundary and cheating. I dont feel
I'm lost
First of all, I don't want to upset anyone here who has been cheated on or who is dealing with an unfaithful spouse. I just didn't know where else to
Nee advice
Around 4 weeks ago, I was at Crossfit waiting for a class when a girl entered the gym. She asked me if I was waiting for the 7:30 class and I told
Featured Threads
Ugly pictures
We had a professional photographer come in at work. I used the photo and put it on my dating profile. But when my Roomie saw it,she said take it
Not being "too" available.
I posted a few days ago about the younger guy I've been dating for 6 months and how he doesn't want to use BG/GF labels. I got some great feedback
I am having difficulty accepting my boyfriends bisexuality for no reason
So here goes; the main reason why I got this account here is probably because I am so ashamed of myself and that because I am surrounded by either
relationship advice
hi... I'll start by saying i'm a guy, i just really needed a woman's point of view for this, so i hope you can help me! My mom is paying for my
Seeing ex tomorrow..so confused. Need advice!
Hi everyone. I'm really confused with my ex. Dated two years; he was very hurt by the breakup. He hasn't dated many people, and I was his first
Needing advice and/or support with ex girlfriend
Ok. Long story short... I ended up in a serious relationship with my best friend of 7 years. The last 3 years of which we were in a serious
I really need some advice and a outside opinion
I really don't know what to do ... My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year now she is no longer attracted to me but tells me she loves
Ask For Advice

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •