Ex can't look at me

Any advice or opinion would be appreciated!

My ex and I (together two years, broke up 1month ago, he left me) work together 5 days a week. At first I had a hard time with no contact (I'd break the cycle every 7 days/week like clockwork and talk to him at work about us). Well, I've been NC for a week again-- no plans of breaking it or anything.. but I'm curious..

Why can't he look at me? He seems to go out of his way to make sure he is never looking where I'm standing. For example, if he stands up to help someone he will make sure to look down and just at their computer and not remotely glance up if my desk is anywhere in sight. If I walk by, he doesn't flinch and stays glued to the computer monitor.

This is normally a person who looks as anyone walks by.. Is this a sign of his ultimate 'over me' ? My presence doesn't even make him flinch anymore.. I find that strange considering we spent every single day together for an entire two years.. Literally, work and home.

He probably feels guilty for breaking up, or he might be afraid of hurting you again.

You can't know for sure, but...I don't know that it's an "over you" thing so much as it is a "discomfort" thing. It could be that knows how you feel about him, and he's uncomfortable, and it's just plain awkward to make eye-contact. That would be my guess.

I work with my ex, too, and he and I interact regularly. Though it would hurt if he ignored me, sometimes I think it would be better for me if he did...it's pretty painful having him ask me what my weekend plans are (which I keep as vague as possible) when he is not a part of them (nor am I a part of his) and knowing that I have no idea what he is doing when he leaves work -- I'm not "in" his life in that way anymore, nor is he in mine, and that hurts.

I would say that the fact that he doesn't make eye contact or flinch when you walk past is a sign that he is not over you at all. If he normally looks around when someone walks past he must know it's you and he is avoiding interaction with you. I may be wrong, but I would have thought this is more of a self preservation thing than anything else. I would have thought it is his way of keeping NC. I am hopeless when it comes to being friends with an ex, even after years. It feels very odd that that person knows you so intimately and at one point knew everything about you. I usually deal with it by ignoring, which I know is not a nice way to treat someone but it's not something that I know how to deal with. Like I said I might be wrong but he's acting the same way I would, which does not justify it at all.

Well, last week (the last time I talked to him) he was telling me how he has no romantic feelings at all and he's already been sleeping with two different women.

I don't know if he buckled under commitment pressure or what, but wow that was a rude awakening! Even knowing he's slept around, do you still think the non-looking is not-over-me related? Also, he TOLD me flat out that he never thinks of me, ever, period. I'm not sure if that was a blatant lie or truth either.

Well, last week (the last time I talked to him) he was telling me how he has no romantic feelings at all and he's already been sleeping with two different women.

 

I don't know if he buckled under commitment pressure or what, but wow that was a rude awakening! Even knowing he's slept around, do you still think the non-looking is not-over-me related? Also, he TOLD me flat out that he never thinks of me, ever, period. I'm not sure if that was a blatant lie or truth either.

Well it seems very strange that he felt the need to tell you he was sleeping with other people already, that's if you can believe this. He might be telling you this to save face and make sure you don't know he's missing you. It's a horrible and inconsiderate thing to tell you either if it's true or not. If he is sleeping around it's probably to try and prove to himself that he is over you. I would still say that the fact he is not acknowledging you is because he's finding it hard to be around you (another indication he is not over you). If he says he never thinks of you, he is lying. I honestly believe that he is full of crap and just trying to make sure you don't see any of his emotions. He sounds like a moron but you must have seen something in him so he can't be completely devoid of emotions. If he was really over you he wouldn't feel the need to boast about his alleged conquests and rub them in your face.

I agree he just doesn't know what to do if you make eye contact, so he's avoiding it. I mean, give the circumstances it might be annoying to you if he gave you a huge smile every time you walked past, but he probably doesn't want to glare at you either...so he avoids the situation. He might also think that if he makes eye contact you'll try to talk to him, since I assume he doesn't know you're now practicing NC!

Well, last week (the last time I talked to him) he was telling me how he has no romantic feelings at all and he's already been sleeping with two different women.

 

I don't know if he buckled under commitment pressure or what, but wow that was a rude awakening! Even knowing he's slept around, do you still think the non-looking is not-over-me related? Also, he TOLD me flat out that he never thinks of me, ever, period. I'm not sure if that was a blatant lie or truth either.

Sounds a bit like an overcompensation to me.

Maybe he's trying to put you off thinking about him - if he knows that you still have feelings for him, by telling you that he's slept around and that he never thinks about you is an attempt to push you away.

I'd guess that he feels guilty and that he's trying to make you not want to talk to him.

Oh, and never thinking about you is a blatant lie.

I've missed even the worst ex-boyfriends sometimes, and I miss the good ones a lot more...he thinks about you.

It sounds to me, from what you've written, that what he's trying to do is not give you false hope, but in extreme ways - like not meeting your eye, and telling you about his new relationships, and telling you he never thinks about you.

It's an odd way to go about it, definitely.

Well, he did say at the beginning he doesn't want to give me false hope of rekindling.. but I am the only girl he's ever wanted to marry, the rest were all physical fun. He constantly said "I think there are better people out there for each of us." Also, he didn't blatantly tell me that he was with another, it went like this:

In one of my many failed emotionally charged convos:

Me: "I don't understand this turn around, did you cheat on me?"

Him: "No, but I've been with women after you."

Me: "How the hell did you get over me so fast? It was two years and you wanted to marry me."

Him: "I got really drunk the first two weeks, went out, partied, and slept with two different women"

Me: "Dating or sleeping?"

Him: "Sleeping."

So he wasn't flaunting, he was more answering. I'm just curious if there is a remote hope of him spinning around back to me.. But he did say "I dont want to give you false-hope, sometimes being an * * * * * * * is easier to make you hate me.. "

I asked once "How do you not give a * * * * ?" "I do give a * * * * , but I dont want to give a * * * * ."

And that sounds more like confusion...

NC is probably a good call - to get him to think things over and sort out what he means when he says things.

Although he didn't flaunt sleeping with other women, he still volunteered the information, and also admitted to trying to get you to hate him. He sounds very confused over what you want, and how to deal with it.

Because saying that he doesn't want to give you false hope, and then telling you that you're the only girl he's wanted to marry doesn't really fit together.

Also, on the last comment - he's not going to switch off caring. I read that more as he cares about how you feel and whether he's upsetting you, even if it'd be easier not to.

Give it time. Let him sort out his own feelings, because they sound pretty tangled at the moment.

And that sounds more like confusion...

NC is probably a good call - to get him to think things over and sort out what he means when he says things.

Although he didn't flaunt sleeping with other women, he still volunteered the information, and also admitted to trying to get you to hate him. He sounds very confused over what you want, and how to deal with it.

 

Because saying that he doesn't want to give you false hope, and then telling you that you're the only girl he's wanted to marry doesn't really fit together.

Also, on the last comment - he's not going to switch off caring. I read that more as he cares about how you feel and whether he's upsetting you, even if it'd be easier not to.

 

Give it time. Let him sort out his own feelings, because they sound pretty tangled at the moment.

They are tangled, his "friends" despise me and I think I'd have a fighting chance if that were the case. As for no contact, I have no choice but to do that for myself and in all honesty, I've come a long way and learned a lot during this month.. I also know that contacting him won't do any good, so I have no interest in doing so.

But, there is a party of me that wonders if my non-contact will trigger his longing.. especially when he's a dumper and he's been trying to pull no-contact. Does that make sense?

Wow, for half a second I thought I might have been reading a post of my own that I couldn't remember putting up! My situation is almost EXACTLY the same, the only difference being that we don't talk about or really overhear each other's past weekend or anything like that. My ex is also the type of person that would glance up regardless of who just walked by (really, who doesn't?) and it's often very obvious that she is trying as hard as she can to look the other way when we pass each other or happen to be looking in each other's direction. I have co-workers tell me that she does look in my direction quite often when I am not looking. I have struggled often with what this means. I talked to a mutual friend a couple of months ago about this and she said my ex mentioned this to her, too. Unfortunately, she didn't really expand on this and all she really said was that my ex 'mentioned' it and that my ex couldn't give her a reason why she thought she was doing this.

I, too, am just past the 4 month mark and would've thought that, were she truly over me, she would have the ability to meet my eyes by now or even offer the 'good morning/afternoon' that she would give to ANY other person that walked by her. Regardless of how hard I try to tell myself otherwise, I can't help but interpret this as 'she's still not over me'. We didn't have a messy breakup at all (not sure how yours compares) so I would think that by now she would at least be able to be cordial.

In the 2nd month following our breakup we would even send emails and chats back and forth at work -- just jokes and interesting websites; very light, casual and non-threatening -- but then we pass each other in the hall 2 minutes later it's like I don't even exist. I certainly don't get it, but if you ever figure out why this is happening in your situation PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pm me.

Browneyedgirl, I know exactly where you are coming from regarding not knowing what they are doing when they leave work. We often leave at the same time and it bugs me to NO END when she makes a right-hand turn out of the parking lot and not a left-hand turn to go home.

Hi, I could really use some advice as this is getting me really down and affecting my ability to concentrate at work.

I briefly dated a coworker who gradually slowed things down until it was only phone conversations; his rationale was he didn't think I could handle a sexual relationship with a coworker very well and he couldn't take that risk, even though I was the calmer one. I got fed up and said it was all BS so he said he's done and no contact.

At work, he gets me to notice him by smiling, saying hi, and with lots of eye contact but he slights me if I even start saying hello or something to break the ice. He just walks away or pretends he got a text. I'm really annoyed and hurt because we were so intimate with each other and now he's avoiding me as if I did something wrong, but he pumped and dumped me! How should I interpret his actions and should I not even look at him from now on? He knows I'm infatuated so it's hard for me to avoid looking at him and greeting him.

Thank you!!

Hey... i think he is absolutely not over you yet... He is using every ounce of energy to avoid you which means he is trying to gain apathy but cannot yet... he doesnt want to make eye contact with you because he is afraid you will see emotion in his eyes as he knows you know him so well and at this point he wants to deliberately show you he feels nothing but he is lying to himself and to you...also, its not your business what he does in his time so him telling you he is sleeping around is his way of trying to hurt you because somehow it validates him as being the main man.. i might be wrong, God alone knows why men act the way they do and why they play these stupid mind games... and why the hell we fall for it... But whatever his reason.. Dont run back to what broke you. He simply doesnt deserve you... and trust me, i know what you are feeling and we as women dwell on it for ever because we love them so deeply... let go. or it will make you sick. Stay strong!

This thread is 7 years old, and the OP has not returned in almost 7 years.

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