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Feeling Hurt


3LadyLuck3

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My boyfriend and I have been dating since the end of Jan. About a month or two after we had been dating, a girl claimed to be pregnant with his child. He told me that he had slept with her prior to our relationship. I was heartbroken but we continued to see each other. I thought that I could handle the situation. I have a 3 year old daughter already. Just the other day this girl had her baby, (we haven't had the paternity test done yet), but I am feeling SO much hurt. I really love my boyfriend but I don't know if I can deal with this situation. I know it's not the baby's fault. I'm scared that I may feel some resentment towards the baby. I feel so angry at my boyfriend. I'm considering leaving the state to live closer to family. I know it's isn't right to feel this way, but I can't help it. Is there anyone who has any advise about how to set aside my emotions and be more supportive. I'm just so hurt and honestly, envious of this girl.

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We need more info--- what is the relationship like between them? Is he keeping it limited to just about the baby or is there more going on?

 

Regardless, I think some insecurity about this is really normal!! You have to make the choice about if it is something you can accept. I think that if he is keeping the communication lines open with you, being transparent, and not rekindling anything with this chick, then you have to decide for yourself if you can accept and live with it.

 

I think it is particularly difficult because of the timing...

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I'm sorry you are going through this, I can imagine it must be very difficult for you.

 

Honestly though, this happened before you started dating him, so it isn't as though he betrayed you in any way. If this is his baby, he owes it to him or her to be involved in his or her life, and to support him or her, which means he will have an obligation to keep in contact with this girl for the rest of their lives.

 

There is no shame in knowing you are not OK with being with your boyfriend if you feel you cannot handle him having a child with this other woman, but you yourself have a child with someone else so it really isn't that different, is it? I think if it were me, and he took all the proper avenues to determine paternity, and if he stood up and took care of this child if it was his, I would have a tremendous amount of respect for him.

 

Good luck with what you decide.

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Thank you for the advise. I do agree with what you are saying. It's not much different from my own situation. That's why I'm so conflicted on why I'm having a hard time accepting the circumstances. I just needed to talk to someone with a nuetral perspective. Just having a hard time controlling my emotion.

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The situation is a bit different than LadyLuck's, as her child was "already in the picture" before the relationship started. But I agree that overall the situation is similar.

 

LadyLuck--to what extent is the father of your daughter involved with her raising/upbringing? If he's involved how does your boyfriend handle it? I would be tempted to think of it in those terms. Ultimately all parties involved need to do what is best for the children and need to lay other emotions to the side, even if it hurts.

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Thank you for the advise. I do agree with what you are saying. It's not much different from my own situation. That's why I'm so conflicted on why I'm having a hard time accepting the circumstances. I just needed to talk to someone with a nuetral perspective. Just having a hard time controlling my emotion.

 

What about the situation hurts you? Just the fact that he has a young baby with someone else? Sometimes just acknowledging and verbalizing your feelings (with him as well) can help you get past them.

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I want him to take care of his baby. He has a responsibility if the baby is his. I don't really know why I am so upset because all of my emotion is based on selfishness and jealousy. I can acknowledge that and I'm definitely not proud of it. Yes, it is the fact he's having a very young baby with someone else. The baby was just born this weekend. Maybe I will be able to put my feelings aside after some time passes? Maybe even learn to love the baby? I'm not even sure if the baby's mother will allow me to be apart of the baby's life. Maybe I'm upset because I just feel left out (there we go again with the whole selfish needs thing).

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I want him to take care of his baby. He has a responsibility if the baby is his. I don't really know why I am so upset because all of my emotion is based on selfishness and jealousy. I can acknowledge that and I'm definitely not proud of it. Yes' date=' it is the fact he's having a very young baby with someone else. The baby was just born this weekend. Maybe I will be able to put my feelings aside after some time passes? Maybe even learn to love the baby? I'm not even sure if the baby's mother will allow me to be apart of the baby's life. Maybe I'm upset because I just feel left out (there we go again with the whole selfish needs thing).[/quote']

 

Have you talked to your boyfriend about how you feel? What does he say? What are his thoughts about the baby?

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I want him to take care of his baby. He has a responsibility if the baby is his. I don't really know why I am so upset because all of my emotion is based on selfishness and jealousy. I can acknowledge that and I'm definitely not proud of it. Yes' date=' it is the fact he's having a very young baby with someone else. The baby was just born this weekend. Maybe I will be able to put my feelings aside after some time passes? Maybe even learn to love the baby? I'm not even sure if the baby's mother will allow me to be apart of the baby's life. Maybe I'm upset because I just feel left out (there we go again with the whole selfish needs thing).[/quote']

 

I think it is really important to not blame yourself for your feelings first and foremost. Your feelings are natural and there is no such thing as good or bad feelings. It is what you DO with your feelings where things can go wrong. Sit with your feelings and know that with time those feelings of jealousy and insecurity will fade. Your boyfriend has chosen to be with you. I think it's really important to keep the lines of communication open between you two.

 

Is there anything that your boyfriend can do to help you feel more secure?

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I guess that I haven't really talked to my boyfriend about these things. I'm afraid to talk about what's going on. He knows I'm upset, not sure if he understands why. I know that I will fall apart if I try to speak about how I'm feeling. I don't even know what his plans are if it's his. I don't think he really knows. I'm not really sure what he can do to make me feel secure. He keeps saying it won't change us, but I think it will. I've had a baby, I know that alone changes people.

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I guess that I haven't really talked to my boyfriend about these things. I'm afraid to talk about what's going on. He knows I'm upset' date=' not sure if he understands why. I know that I will fall apart if I try to speak about how I'm feeling. I don't even know what his plans are if it's his. I don't think he really knows. I'm not really sure what he can do to make me feel secure. He keeps saying it won't change us, but I think it will. I've had a baby, I know that alone changes people.[/quote']

 

I don't know your boyfriend but I suspect he will understand if you're upset on some level. I think if you sit down with him and give your feelings context, just like you did here, he will hear you out. If nothing else this situation has thrown a giant wrench into how you both saw your life playing out in the near future, so at the very least you should be sitting down and talking it out. I'm sure he has quite a few fears/anxieties/feelings which are on his mind as well, and it would be a good opportunity for him to vent those. Ideally you guys will try to support each other as much as possible.

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I don't know your boyfriend but I suspect he will understand if you're upset on some level. I think if you sit down with him and give your feelings context, just like you did here, he will hear you out. If nothing else this situation has thrown a giant wrench into how you both saw your life playing out in the near future, so at the very least you should be sitting down and talking it out. I'm sure he has quite a few fears/anxieties/feelings which are on his mind as well, and it would be a good opportunity for him to vent those. Ideally you guys will try to support each other as much as possible.

 

I agree with Fathom Fear. You need to find a way to talk it out with him, discover what his thoughts and feelings are also. I am sure he is freaking out too. This is an opportunity you have to create a stronger bond with your boyfriend- communication is the hardest part of relationships- and being vulnerable too. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable to him and express your insecurity, and then hear him out too. If you really try to come from a place where you are trying to create a stronger connection with him and support him as well, then I think it is a win-win situation.

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I agree with Fathom Fear. You need to find a way to talk it out with him, discover what his thoughts and feelings are also. I am sure he is freaking out too. This is an opportunity you have to create a stronger bond with your boyfriend- communication is the hardest part of relationships- and being vulnerable too. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable to him and express your insecurity, and then hear him out too. If you really try to come from a place where you are trying to create a stronger connection with him and support him as well, then I think it is a win-win situation.

Maybe I am just selfish and insecure. I don't think I can deal with this...at least right now. Thinking I might head home to my family, so that I can get my head together and just figure out how I feel. What I want to do. I want to be supportive but I cannot deal with this situation right now. He has an obligation to the baby if it's his, that should be his first concern. So, I feel like I need to step back and let him figure out what he needs to do. "Time will tell all"

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Maybe I am just selfish and insecure. I don't think I can deal with this...at least right now. Thinking I might head home to my family' date=' so that I can get my head together and just figure out how I feel. What I want to do. I want to be supportive but I cannot deal with this situation right now. He has an obligation to the baby if it's his, that should be his first concern. So, I feel like I need to step back and let him figure out what he needs to do. "Time will tell all"[/quote']

 

hmmm.... I just worry if you do this you might be throwing the relationship away.....

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  • 2 weeks later...

You are right I would've been throwing the relationship away. After I had some thought and time to cool off...I decided that I want to stay with my boyfriend because I love him. I know the relationship will work even though we may need to work at it. Plus the whole situation did make us closer. It even made my relationship with his family stronger.

 

Anyways, We just found out last friday that baby was not his. Now I feel like a big baby for being so upset. But at least I was able to write down my how I felt and hear what others thought about our situation. I want to thank everyone who left advice for me. You all really helped me very much. It felt so good to talk to others who were unbaised about what was going on. THANK YOU!!

 

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You are right I would've been throwing the relationship away. After I had some thought and time to cool off...I decided that I want to stay with my boyfriend because I love him. I know the relationship will work even though we may need to work at it. Plus the whole situation did make us closer. It even made my relationship with his family stronger.

 

Anyways, We just found out last friday that baby was not his. Now I feel like a big baby for being so upset. But at least I was able to write down my how I felt and hear what others thought about our situation. I want to thank everyone who left advice for me. You all really helped me very much. It felt so good to talk to others who were unbaised about what was going on. THANK YOU!!

 

 

Wow Lady Luck, it wasn't his baby!!!?? That's great news! Whew!!! Now you and your man can focus on your relationship, that's great. Don't feel like a big baby, there is no way you could have known what would happen, it wasn't an easy situation. Yah! I'm glad things are looking up!

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