I'm so exhausted. I don't know how to keep going...

I'm exhausted. Dating has destroyed my confidence, my pride, my self esteem, my beliefs, my faith in love... I'm so tired.

This year has been a disaster for me. A complete disaster.

I gave up on a relationship with the only guy who has ever loved me. I lost my boyfriend, my best friend. I had to see him start a relationship with someone else.

I lost myself for a few months. I thought I was going to die. Nothing else mattered.

Slowly, I started to live again. After some frustrating dates, I found a guy I liked.

It didn't work out. He didn't like me. Well, on that weekend I met J.

J was everything I've ever looked for in a man. Believing there was someone like J in this world was the reason I broke up with my ex in the first place.

I fell hard. Head over heels before even going on a second date. There was nothing I wanted more in life than J.

For the past month, work didn't matter, my friends didn't matter, my family, my plans, my studies... nothing mattered. All I wanted was J.

I've never wanted anything in this world like I've wanted J. I don't believe I'm ever going to find someone who felt so right for me. The most handsome, perfect guy I've ever met.

Today, my world came crashing. Yesterday I saw J with another girl. A girl whose the opposite of me. Carefree, an artist, haven't finished school... After a dramatic afternoon in which the girl e-mails my friend to ask about J and I - I realize the truth: J liked the artist. He was seeing both of us but he liked her. She didn't like him as much as I did. She told me she was just casually seeing him. When I told her I've only been with him for the past month she laughed at me and like an innocent child said: "really? you are a crazy girl. I'm single, I've been seeing a lot of guys!". She was a sweet girl. She told me he wanted her to commit to him last night. More laughter: "J, hey take it easy, hold the emotion, I don't want a relationship! I don't even know you that well!". She's so outgoing and happy and confident that she tells me they've been sleeping together, but she's not sure she's that into him, specially after realizing he had been lying to her. "Girl, the only reason I liked him was because he treated me like a princess, now that I realize he's just like all the other guys, I just want him to leave me alone... he's sending me a bunch of e-mails, you know, saying tacky things like this stupid american guys do".

While she's not even picking up the phone, I listen to everything J has to say to me. Every word. I accept every apology. He says he's phisically sick. I just wish I could hold him and make him feel better. He then starts speaking and my heart slowly starts breaking: "You know M, you are gorgeous, you are so special, I trust you as a person more than I trust anyonese in this city, but I just wasn't feeling it anymore. I was honestly seeing both of you, I thought I'd naturally chose one, and well things escalated with her and I just stopped clicking with you. It's just that you are too driven you know? This MBA/career type - I've gone out with girls like you and it doesn't work for me. I went to Wharton but I'm not like the guys there. I don't care if I don't make a million dollars, I just want to live my life. And you are so smart and so beautiful but when I noticed how driven you were, you are a type A, and you know, type A are great people, but it doesn't work for me".

He goes on about how he's glad he didn't start a relationship with the artist, because she's crazy and how at least he hopes I can be his friend because I'm SO special and I've handled things amazingly well. I know deep down he's probably chasing the artist right now and longing to be with her.

The artist e-mails me with details. He met her on the same day that he went out with me. He would go out with me on wednesday and saturdays and would see her on sunday and tuesday. He called me from Rio when he was away and some minutes later he'd call her. After he left the concert with me, she went to meet her.

She's so nice, funny and forgiving that it's impossible to hate her. Of course I see what he likes about her. She's just contagious. She's 100% brazilian, she doesn't give a damm about anything or anyone. She slept with her boss but who cares? She kissed random guys but who cares? She's happy on her own skin. While I'm almost crying at work my co-worker tells me about how the artist slept with an art director and ruined his marriage. Out of complete desperation, I tell that to J.

Why did I do this to this girl? She didn't say anything about me. Why did I try to sabotage her? In a really bizarre cross fire J blames my best friend for spreading the rumors. I write to the girl and put the blame on me. I TOLD J, my friend has nothing to do with it. I apologize and say that I as just hurt and I had no right to talk about her private life. She accepts my apologies and says she understands why I did that. She speaks and write with a passion, with a confidence that a few woman have.

I will never forget what J told me last wedneday when I slept over his house: "M, why do you want to be a marketing director or a CEO? There are other people who are interesting... people who have a passion. For photography for example, and makes a living of it". As I looked into my best friend eyes last night after we found J with the girl she whispered: "She's a photographer from my last agency".

What does it mean to be a Type A? Does it mean that I don't hookup with other people when I'm seeing someone else? Does it mean that I want to get an MBA from a top school and learn and have a successful career? Does it mean I don't have a passion for photography or for art?

As I type this I feel like I have lost myself. What am I going to do now? Being a type A is all I've known really. But there's so much more to me than that. Should I change? Should I start taking pictures? Should I find a passion?

I really don't know what I want. I knew what I wanted in 2008. I wanted to travel, I wanted to see the world, I wanted to get my MBA from Wharton or Harvard and be a top executive of an international company. I wanted to be single and to meet new people and enjoy my life.

I lost myself in 2009. All I've wanted in 2009 is a guy to fill the void of my insecurities. I've wanted my ex, I've wanted A and now I've wanted J like there was no tomorrow. I was rejected by the ex, I was rejected by A and I was crushed by J.

I have no strength or desire to get an MBA anymore. I don't see the point of becoming a hot shot executive. I'm not interested in my work and as applications deadlines arises, I haven't been able to open a book in almost 1 month. In 40 minutes my deadline for my blog for one of the final phases of the trainee program at Unilever expires. I haven't written a line. I don't have the strenght to.

I have no idea where I'm going, what I'm doing, or even who am I.

I don't understand what life is trying to tell me. I did NOT ask to meet someone like J. I did NOT ask for it. Why did "my dream" guy appears in my life, and I get to know him and really care about him, even if on my head, just to be crushed again.

Why does my dream guy says I have everything going for me but I was just too driven. Why does my dream guy tell me he didn't want me because I was too smart? too ambitious? too driven?

I'm so exhausted. I don't know how to keep going...

BG - There's a lot of information in your post BUT one thing is you should never give up on you. Your dream was your dream, why are you letting other people that you barely know second guess them?

Not everyone will be creative, artistic, into photography etc. Im certainly NOT. I am a type A personality also & ALOT like you. I also had many men tell me the same exact thing J told you & I second guessed myself because of it and thought "maybe I should do this or that instead" blah blah. In the long run, that was never me & never will be.

I know you said you aren't out there looking for these men to come along, but I think you need to take a break from the dating scene all together & focus on yourself. I'm also pretty sure I said that to you before lol but its true. Do what you want, dont let guys influence who you are. The ones that give you that line J did, aren't worth it. Believe me! There are many great men out there that will appreciate your go getter/career attitude.

oh and hurry up you have the blog to write!

Ac - thanks =] My post is really confusing I was just trying what I felt.

It's basically I was dating this guy I was in love with and found out he'd been dating another girl since the day we met, and he was deciding to stay with her, until I saw them together last night and this thing exploded.

Oh, I promise, I'm staying away from dating. At least for a few months. I cannot put myself out there again.

The thing is, he made me really doubt my desire/drive. Is that really what will make me happy? What do I want?

He made you doubt it because he wanted to be with the other girl cause she was the total opposite? Do you know how silly that sounds? How many times do guys/girls pick someone total opposite of what they were dating before? All the time. Doesn't mean we should change who we are.

What if the next guy dream guy you meet wants a career oriented woman? Sweetie - just be you. Do what you always wanted to do & dont let this break you. You lived thru a hard breakup with your ex, this should be a piece of cake. =)

Do you think there's chance J will ever reconsider and contact me?

Do you think there's chance J will ever reconsider and contact me?

Its possible & speaking from past experience with guys like J...that gave me that line they always came back BUT I never tried to purse them after the fact anyway. Usually when they did come back it was too little too late.

Here's the thing though, he was seeing some other girl & more interested in her - now if she gives him the boot after all this & he comes back to you...do you really want that?? Second best? I hope not.

You sound like a great/smart girl & changing just cause this guy said something would be hmmmm really not soo smart. Stay the determined, focused, career oriented woman you are & I guarantee you - you will find the right guy - that will LOVE everything thing about you.

Babe, you are beautiful, smart, and driven - what do you want with a loser like J? What is it about him that makes you say he was everything you wanted in a guy?

Hun, please do NOT give up your dreams for a guy. NO man is worth it. A man truly worth your time is one who will SUPPORT your dreams, not make you feel like your dreams are worthless. You are way, WAY too good for this guy, end of story.

honey - i think you are the whole package - brains, ambition, beauty. i think that your ambition is a plus. many guys want a driven, intelligent girl who knows how to do more than to spend their money and go to the spa. some guys want a pretty woman on their arm to take care of the house. everyone wants what they want.

J isn't your perfect man, because your perfect man would love your ambition and support your goals. guys who aren't your perfect man will put down your goals. my guess is that he felt threatened by you - because you are a go-getting and he isn't. i've had plenty of guys tell me that i cared too much about school or whatever. they felt threatened by what i've achieved.

forget him. your dream man is one that's going to be equally crazy about you and want you to realize your dreams.

i think you should stop talking to him and accepting your apologies. ok, j wants what he wants, if he wants to date this other woman, he can go ahead and do that, but he doesn't get to cry on your shoulder and waste your time.

ps - go finish that blog!!!!

I think this really isn't about type-A or career-drive or art or spontaneity, but rather about your own sense of self. It's better to be a janitor who loves his mop and takes pride in his work than it is to be a CEO who is unable to find any rhyme or reason to his life. The career isn't the point... it's the purpose you find in your own goals that matters.

I see two possibilities here: 1) You forgot who you were for a moment and why you set the career goals you had for your life. If that's the case, you should be able to think back and remember and get back on track. But if you can't then it could be because... 2) Life showed you that you've been on the wrong path all along and it's time to really find out what makes your heart come alive.

Only you can figure that out though. No one here is going to be able to tell you who you are.

Brazilgirl, I know this is a really crushing blow for you, but I'll say this..

Don't ever, EVER let a man make you feel badly for the way you are. Don't ever let a man destroy your goals and make you feel like they're not good enough. And perhaps most importantly, don't ever let a man define your self worth. No man will ever love you as you deserve to be loved unless you truly, deeply love yourself. There is no man who will be able to fill that void.

I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 21 years old, and once it happened, my mom said something to me that I'll never forget - "you didn't get him until you were ready." I went through so much as a kid and a teenager that I never had that sense of self-worth that is so, so necessary for a meaningful relationship. And despite the fact that my ex tried to beat it out of me, I've managed to bring it back and stronger than ever.

I think right now you need to work on healing from this setback, and working on loving yourself and realizing how completely worthy you are of someone else's love before you start to date again. You are so, so worth the love and attention of a man - but that's not going to happen, and go well, until you realize and completely understand how worth you are.

another thing - i have been in your shoes where the 'dream guy' broke my heart. after a few months, it suddenly seemed to me that he wasn't the perfect guy. i was seeing him through rose colored glasses and then could start to remember the less-than-perfect about him. maybe the way he was rude to the waitress, the time he forgot my birthday, the time he mocked me because he didn't understand my accent. that sort of stuff. blah!!!

i bet in a few weeks, you'll start seeing his moles and blemishes too. then the next time you see him around, he won't even look so handsome to you and you'll wonder what you saw in him!

Wow, it seems like J was talking to you about basically becoming the other artist girl. Trying to push photography on you so you could be this nice blend of you and this a-bit-too-free-spirited artist photo-girl.

I wouldn't have any desire to change a girl I was interested in, because she is what she is and that's what I am interested in - her. Not what she can become. Not what I can mold her into. How lame is that? I would just want her to be happy, doing whatever her passion is.

That doesn't sound like what J was doing with you. He can't be Dream Guy if he was doing those things. He might have been close, but no cigar.

Don't let this setback change who you are. You have sounded very driven to me - and that is a GOOD thing. Don't make it a negative because this Not-So-Dream-Guy thinks it's a negative. He's only thinking it's a negative because you aren't like this unattainable (and somewhat s!u+ty, I think) artist girl that he wanted to nail down, but couldn't.

You're better than that, and better than him. You deserve better, don't settle.

I agree with Timbone - if he wants to change you, it's not YOU he truly wants/loves. It is his own personal idea of 'the perfect girl'... and we know, there is NO such thing as the perfect guy/girl. We love people for who they are, warts and all, not for what we want them to be.

You need to show J that girls like you don't NEED a man to make you feel good about yourself, and that you only get ONE chance to be with a girl like you. He missed his chance, so too bad, J. Forget him and let him regret his mistake.

Awww, he really isn't worth it. I think everyone's given good advice already but anyone who wants to change who you are really aren't worth your time.

I spoke about my ex in my other thread who was seeing some other girl while I wasn't around. He did this. He put down the career I'm working towards. And probably a different situation entirely but there was one day I was meant to be going to a friends party but really wasn't well and couldn't go. He had a right go, said I'd regret it and was letting my friend down etc etc. I found myself sitting for hours making up excuses to him, telling him I WOULD see her the next week, would make it up to her then he didn't contact me for days! While I was sat around thinking he was right, I should change who I am blah blah. Not worth my time.

And I didn't think there'd be anyone else as good as him, he was the "perfect guy" but then I met my boyfriend who's the complete opposite of me career wise, I would hate to do what he does, he'd hate to do what I want to do but we support eachother, get excited about exams that we've passed. He said he wouldn't like to do what I want to do but still is supportive and has offered to help me out with revision, practicing etc.

Anyway, going off track. But I know it hurts now and you think you'll never meet someone like him again. But there are better men out there, ones who will care about you, like who you are and accept what you want to do with your life. Stick to your dreams, don't ever let anyone (especially someone like J) make you doubt yourself. You really do sound like a lovely person. You'll be happier than the other girl when you meet that right guy and feel settled whereas she'll probably still be seeing and sleeping with multiple men.

And about your blog and things, could that just be because right now you're feeling heartbroken and all your focus is going on that? Like you said, you probably haven't had much focus on much else lately other than J. Maybe focussing on your work for now, getting that back on track and leaving the dating for a while would be a good idea. And maybe when you start to feel a bit better about things you'll realise you don't really want to stop doing what you're doing and keeping that focus on yourself.

Did you get the blog done?

I hope you're ok!

I'm feeling a little better today. It's not going to be an easy road because I put this man on such a pedestal and worked SO hard to please him... it's tough.

I've just realized that what made him more "dreamy" than most guys I see is his looks and really, looks is the last thing that should matter since it fades. I thought he was perfect but after the way he played around with two girls, is he really that perfect?

After the way he let me go and all the things he told me last night, making me feel so worthless, is that really a dream guy?

The artist e-mailed me again this morning saying that "J is confused with himself and we all got involved and got hurt and that forgetting about this is the most intelligent thing to do".

I agree and I've deleted J's contacts off my phone and just want to try and keep going.

I didn't get the blog done in time but I'm going to e-mail them and ask for an extra day.

I hope to feel better soon.

Hey, you are a special girl, like someone said a total package. Hot personality, hot brains, and a very decent heart. You are the rare type! It rocks to be type A! Let J come back to you and then decide what you want to do with him..most of all, it rocks to be single and you have to take pride in it instead of wanting to cure it as if it were a disease. Be the most eligible bachelorette around and don't chase guys even if you like them..be happy and whole in yourself..

You know brazilgirl, I admire you. I grew up in an aspirational society. I grew up in a society where being a hot shot executive is the ideal thing to be. Not an artist or any such thing. If you have a big job with a high salary, you are the ideal man/woman in this society. I am in a similar field as yours but I didn't choose mine willingly. Unlike you. You had a dream and ambitions and you followed them with clarity. It doesn't matter what the dream was. BUt the fact is you were driven and you have almost achieved it. Trainee program at Unilever??? Wow. You have achieved far more than I have ever been able to achieve.

I admire you because you have dreams and don't let those dreams be belittled by somebody else. It doesn't matter if the dreams deal with music,photography or anything. It only matters if you have one or not.

Like everyone else said, don't let this one guy who feels threatened by your future success get in the way of your dreams. He is not your dream guy if he doesn't appreciate your hard working personality! Go with your heart, be who you are, and YOUR dream guy will love you for YOU, and not try to change you or convince you to be someone you aren't. Trust me, those guys are out there!

Life-is - Thanks sweety. Whenever I read your posts I feel like we have something in common.

I honestly do not think J will come back. He clearly told me we did have chemistry in the beggining, but when he got to know me and my drive he realized we didn't really "click" because he has dated girls like me, type A girls, and it's not what he wants. That maybe one day he'll end up marrying a type A girl but that now he just wants to meet people. He kept saying that I'd meet a great guy... There's nothing more hurtful/patronizing than the guy you are crazy about continuously telling you you'll find a great guy. I felt like such a complete idiot last night.

And you know what bothers me, my friends who know me know I'm a really funny, sweet, and can be laid back with a lot of things. It's like this guy judged me without even really knowing who I am. Yes, I do work from 9am-7pm, I do want to go back to school, I do have ambitions, but it's not what defines who I am. I've ALWAYS made time for my friends, boyfriend, hobbies, to come to ENA. haha. Seriously, I'm not this crazy type A girl who only cares about work/school. I'm really NOT just that you know?

I might not be artistic and free spirited and may be a little uptight when it comes to sex, but I'm not just that. And after everything this guy had done to me, I actually saw myself telling him "I'm not just a type A girl, that doesn't define me...". To which he replied: "I know you are much more complicated, complex, than that, I do really like you, but ultimately, I had to get out of the situation and I felt like things weren't going to work between us". How pathetic am I? I would have done everything to make this guy happy but you know, he didn't like me back. But you know, he felt like things would work with the artist, but he told me, "you know what's weird? I know nothing about this other girl. I don't trust her, I know nothing about her life, what to expect...and I trust you so much, I really trust you and when a relationship ends, it just sucks to lose a friend you know?".

What is wrong with people? Why don't we like those who genuinely care about us? Why is the mysterious, adventurous, unknown, always "better" and "clicks more" than the nice, sweet, trustworthy, type-A loser?

Y'know, B-girl, I actually held back from my post above. I was so going to post "I think one of the main reasons you're having a hard time with seeing this guy for what he is, is because he's probably really pretty. I bet that's the main reason you're hung up on him," but I didn't want to assume too much - and yet that thought turned out to be right.

There's pretty boy all over the place. Just good luck to you in finding one with a brain in his head and that treats you right. Then you'll have found your Dream Guy. You will. Don't fear.

What is wrong with people? Why don't we like those who genuinely care about us? Why is the mysterious, adventurous, unknown, always "better" and "clicks more" than the nice, sweet, trustworthy, type-A loser?

Nothing is wrong with people. People are attracted to what they're attracted to; there's no right or wrong. I tend to go for guys with dark hair instead of light hair, and guys who have college degrees, and that doesn't make me a bad person for not being attracted to someone who doesn't have those qualities.

Unfortunately, what happened here is that you got very attached very quickly to someone who did not have an interest in your "type." That doesn't make him a bad person. It doesn't make you a bad person for being what you are, and it doesn't even make you a bad person for becoming attached to him so quickly. It's just life, and unfortunately, it turned out that you were the one who got hurt.

Please don't take his rejection as a comment on your personality or your lifestyle. This was just not the guy for you.

I don't think J did nothing wrong at all. I mean, it did suck that he only told me all this when I literally caught him with someone else... but other than that everyone has their right not to like someone.

I just didn't like the way he talked about me, because it's not really who I am, and the fact he lied for so long and literally sneaked around with me and the artist. That wasn't the nicest thing to do, but in all honesty, he was single he could date whoever he liked.

I'm in the middle of making a BIG decision in my life. I want to go abroad next year. In my routine, my work, my life here, I haven't been able to concentrate. I haven't been happy with myself and I just feel like I need a change in scenery. I'm 22, I can go wherever I want and luckily my parents can support me, I feel like I should just leave you know? It is a little scary to drop my work, but you know, I think I could find a new job when I got back or I could do the trainee programs or even come back to my company - I get along with everyone really well here. I just feel like I REALLY need this.

I'm thinking of taking a finance/math post graduate course at a university in the US while I study to apply to my MBA.

What do you guys think? I have to talk to my dad about this, but I think he'd accept it. I just need to figure where I want to go, where I want to live and start looking at courses that start in January. It's scary to think of literally leaving, but I just really feel like this is what I need.

So I talked to my dad and I REALLY think I'm moving!! I'm going to study finance/business for 04 months (+04 months of internship) in the US, and after that program, I can apply to my MBA, or if I feel like I already got the study/experience, I'll come back to work!

Classes start on January 7 and although I do need test scores/essays, it's just one program, it's not going to be such a hassle to apply!

I'm so happy that I'm going to do this for me, you know? I'm just done thinking about guys and basing my life on guys! I really need a break from this rough year I had, I feel like I'm on auto-pilot half the time! My dad was REALLY supportive and thinks this is exactly what I should do (a short term intensive program) as opposed to an MBA (02 full years), since I'm still only 22!

I guess I finally have some concrete plans for my future that makes me excited. The school is in California =]!

hey bg - i think that the program sounds really great and i bet you will have a great time. it sounds perfect and will probably be a good distraction to get away from your recent boy dramas. go get those test scores!!!