Post here instead of contacting your ex!

I really hope we can have a conversation again, sometime soon.

I feel like we can be friends again, although admittedly I have these unresolved questions about what you do or could mean to me.

Thought this is funny:

Don’t cry bec it’s over, smile bec it happened and he didn’t get you pregnant.

On second thought, though, you’d probably kind of like that to happen on some level.

So you found out I left the country and took the opportunity to message me...even though you have your new boyfriend...! You know his exwife left him because he was a cheater and aggressive and even threw hot soup on her one time right?? You really scored there....! Hope it works out for you....

You always write using my pet name, smiley faces, kisses, wishing me well, saying how proud you are of me.....and then when I reply and ask how you are, you run off again....And once again you sucked me in...

I've always replied in kind, cheerful and upbeat, and then when you ignore that and run off I beat myself up for hiding the truth from you....or even replying at all...!! The fact that my close friends and family have had to watch me suffer for months and months and you get to run off scot free because I've never told you the truth, because of some damn ex back theories that reckon I shouldn't....

It's been so long...over 15 months now....and you're about to have left it too late....I've pretty much had it! One day I'll have the strength and fearlessness to tell you what I've really been through....that's if I ever hear from you again which I doubt...otherwise it just won't matter in the long run....

It's been a long, long road and I've always been confused why the hell we're not together, but you do what you gotta do....and so will I.

Take care of yourself and the kids x

*Note To Self* ~ Come back and read this post if you ever hear from her again!!

Today you broke up with me. We hadn't been dating long and I know you're new to the dating scene and don't know what you want. I pushed through and accepted how you felt because I just liked being with you because I like YOU. We butt heads a few times due to misunderstandings but we kept giving each other another chance. You'd cancel plans on me, change them around, show up late and on one occasion felt like you just omitted me entirely. I'd express my frustration and concern and you would say I stress you out when I do that. Your travel schedule is all over the map and unbeknownst to you I made sure my availability was wide open when you're around because I wanted to see you every chance I got. No matter what. Sometimes it felt like you didn't care. When we were apart it felt like you didn't care. But when we were alone the way you would look at me, touch me and talk to me made me believe you were more interested than you were leading on. My heart would skip a beat any time a message or video would pop up on my phone from you. I have terrible luck meeting people and for the first time in almost three years I met someone I really liked. I allowed myself to develop an attachment to you and despite everything it grew fast. Your actions speak louder than the words you would say to me, but then I would see you in person and my apprehension would melt away once again. You took me to a party last night where I knew no one and you would walk away and leave me alone, almost forgetting I was there. That hurt me. I called you out on it and today you broke up with me. You "like" me but dating me "stresses you out". Maybe it's for the best... Maybe we didn't get the shot we needed... You live mere blocks away from me and now I can't decide if I want to run into you or change my routes to avoid your part of town entirely. You want to still be friends but my heart tells me I wouldn't be able to handle it, but my head tells me that if we were friends I'd get to see you again. Today you broke up with me and my heart aches. I can't decide if I want you back or not. I miss you though. I really do. Maybe I'm focusing too much on the negatives of our time together, but there were good times too. I'll never forget a few weeks ago when you sat in my car staring at me and told me "I like seeing you sitting across from me smiling. Can I see you again? Do you want to see me again?" all while smiling the most handsome, cutest, most charming smile at me. I miss you and not 12 hours ago you left me. I feel responsible and confused. Why couldn't we have that chat in person? You always say you hate texting, yet you leave me through the privacy of your cell phone.

So close to my birthday. Will this be the first time since 2009 where you weren't a part of my birthday?

I do hope I hear from you, I really do. I'm afraid of being hurt and of what comes if we speak again, though..

I hope you're doing well.

I don’t know if you realized

You didn’t just break us

You broke the memories

You broke the future

You broke the family

You broke life

I wonder if you’re lonely

You didn’t just break us

You broke game nights

You broke the gym team

You broke the cabin trips

You broke our friends

I don’t know if you realized

She probably wasn’t worth it

All the broken glass

Was she?

I am in a much better headspace today than I was 3 weeks ago when I last posted here. When i think of how you beat my ass in your living room for deleting a couple of text messages out of your phone that i had sent you- when i think about the time you smashed my head into your headboard when we were arguing, when I think about you slamming my head into the roof of my car and about to draw your gun on me- when I think about you calling my 3 year old special needs child retarded- when I think about how badly you treated me and tortured me the last time you saw me back in July of last year- I realized that there isnt a woman alive that you could make me jealous of. Going to jail for punching your own blood sister- the way you told me proudly of how you beat your other ex girlfriends- the barbaric way you busted her eardrum and swole her face up- putting a loaded pistol in her mouth and all that--- what woman on the surface of this earth would ever miss you when the relationship is over? None of your exes ever reach out to you or desire to maintain contact after the breakup. None of them have a kind word to say about you. Perhaps you trauma bonded other women along the way. Theres no way you can love yourself and beat on your own blood family and the women you "claim" to love. And no, we didnt provoke you, get in your face or hit you first either.

Beating on women because they talk to you in a way you dont like or because they behave in a manner you dont approve of is nothing but abusive, selfish and controlling behavior. You are nothing more than an insecure f***boy who feels less than a man because his penis is small---and because lots of women have cheated on you because of it. Your self esteem is low and you really feel empty and hollow inside, devoid of emotion, except for anger and resentment, for the cards that life dealt you. Well you know what? We all have to play the cards that we were dealt and justifying abuse of any form in your mind makes you delusional.

I do miss what we had in the beginning. The bouquet of flowers you surprised me with, the hugs and kisses. The problem with you is that you are a narcissist and when a woman doesnt live up to your expectations of being perfect, you split them. You criticize demean, insult and destroy your partners self esteem slowly over time with your jealousy, false accusations of cheating, etc thinking they wont leave. A healthy man that TRULY values himself feels no need to gaslight, be manipulative, controlling or play mind games. You are emotionally immature just like I was at the time. In the end, I possessed a strength that you didnt know that I had, and i walked away from you abrubtly and never looked back. I had told you that you'd never see it coming, and that you would one day miss me. Not me, you just miss having someone to beat on, insult and abuse. Women aren't lining up to be abused by you like you think they are.

When I think of you, i just remember the hurt and brokenness that you amplified. I was already a wounded soul and you made it worse. I have taken time to fix my childhood wounds this time, because I dont ever want to attract another man like you. I will never let a man treat me the way you did, ever again. That being said, you were a love lesson. Mary J. Blige has a song called "love lesson" and it reminds me of our tumultuous relationship.

I am still healing and working on preparing myself to be a wife. I am learning to cook more. God has to fortify and refine me some more, and I have some more maturing to do. The men at the church where I go are real men. They take their dedication to the Lord seriously and they value themselves. They would never tolerate a woman like me in my current state. I have to come prepared for these men. They are honorable and respectful men, fathers and sons who dont even engage with immature women. Once I get to my place of maturity, I will attract these type of men naturally, and not broken little boys in men's bodies like you.

You trying to control me led to your downfall. Beating me continuously led to your arrest. The bond, lawyer fees, court cost and fines hurt you financially because you already lived beyond your means. You endured public humiliation when your mugshot appeared in the newspaper, and when the very colleague's you locked people up with when you worked at the jail- had to lead to you the same cells that you locked others up in. Word spread like wildfire to your former coworkers at the jail, your family, as well as our then coworkers at Security One. You were an ankle monitor for 6 months. As a result of the court case, you plunged into massive debt, foreclosure and then bankruptcy. All because you didnt like the way I talked to you. You had always said that other women wanted you- so why didnt you just leave me alone since you had so many other options? Because deep down inside, you know you're a failure. You are the worthless one. You had to much too lose over someone that was living with another man. And you tried to beat me into respecting you, but you only hurt yourself in the long run. You were free to leave at any time. You been beating and breaking womens spirit for the last 50 years, and when women who date you realize what you really are, they all leave you. Who wouldn't abandon a predator, who targets broken women to abuse? Who wouldn't abandon a monster like you, who actually enjoys the pain and torture that you inflict on others? Who enjoys playing mind games to deflect his own wrongdoing and avoid responsibility? Who stalks all of his current exes and keeps track of them, and wishes bad for them,all while being in a new relationship?

You went through all of that for a woman that you cant even speak to now. I wouldn't even acknowledge you if I saw you on public. Was it even worth it? Why would I speak to you when all you did was get revenge, all while we were together ? You've always been a vindictive, vengeful person- ALWAYS got to "get someone back" or "one up" someone for perceived wrongs. You've never taken responsibility for anything in your life, and that hasnt changed. I believe you'd kill me if you had a chance- after all, you said you have a bullet in your gun with two of your exes name on them, right? Exactly. I'm just so glad to get all of this off my chest. I wasnt perfect in the relationship, but I admit and accept my wrongs while you deflect, deny and gaslight. Good riddance! Ps. Your $3000 that you tried to manipulate me into giving you (when I'm a single mom with kids) is still at the bank.

It’s been over one month since we broke up. Less then a week since we stopped talking. You told me that you wanted to keep talking because it made the breakup easier for you. Because you liked talking to me and liked my company. But it wasn’t easier for me. Of course I didn’t want to lose you, but we both knew our relationship was toxic. I kept hoping you would ask for me back or try to work things out with me, the way I had so many times. But you didn’t. I kept hoping for some grand gesture of love and affectionate, which I never got throughout our relationship. But that never came either. And that’s when I realized, I needed to cut you out of my life to start healing.

I’m doing everything I can to rebuild my sense of self. I’ve been in longer relationships. And I’ve loved harder and more genuinely. But never has a relationship destroyed my self esteem the way that this one did. Never have I been with someone who withheld love and emotion from me for control. Never have I been with someone who can be so spiteful and cold, and yet claim to love me. You made me feel crazy at times. I didn’t know what was up and what was down anymore. I didn’t trust my own heart or head. You were so good at manipulating me, and the worst part is I don’t even know if you knew what you were doing.

You used to tell me I was beautiful and how amazing I was. That lasted about a month. You used to kiss me without me having to ask. That also lasted about a month. You completely withdrew from me. And all I could think was that it was because the more you got to know me, the less you wanted me. I blamed myself. Is that what you wanted? You made me feel unloved and unwanted. Constantly seeking your affection, and never getting it. You claim that sex is affection. You claim that I was the one who didn’t show you love. You only said this in the end when I told you I couldn’t do this to myself anymore. I told you this so many times during our relationship. You told me you were not the “romantic” type. And if that’s what I wanted I’d have to find someone else. And then in the end you blamed it all on me.

I had to end it, for myself. I felt ugly, rejected over and over, and so self loathing. Partly for staying and partly because of how you treated me. With such a lack of empathy.

Well now I’m in therapy, meditating, exercising , reading self help books, taking self help classes... hoping that one day I will be ok again. Hoping that I will repair the damage that’s been done to me in such a short time. But still missing you. And I don’t know why.

Ps. In the end, you realized that I didnt give a damn about your new job with MLGW. You never helped me financially to begin with, but seemed to believe that I came back because I "needed you" financially. I always worked two jobs- before, during and after you. I didnt care about you having a 4 bedroom house, 4 vehicles and a boat either. I came back and tolerated your abuse because I truly loved you back then. I left you alone and accomplished some major sh**, and did better than you. But I'm the loser?? Lol.

A real woman makes her own money- and at the end of the day, material things mean nothing . They are nice, but not a requirement. Superficial women will tolerate your beatings, jealousy and insecurities in order to live a certain way though. On another note, I dont see how Pam and Adrian tolerated you as long as they did. Two years was my limit and my threshold for the pain and torture. Ps. (Remember "epicurean"??)

Deep down, you know you are a monster. You run from your true self. That's why you pretend to be a man of values, character and morals. Yet you have been a side piece for several women who were in relationships or married even-- like the doctor's wife who was addicted to xanax that you slept with repeatedly. You are an opportunist and predator and you deep down, you know this. You let other people talk and you listen-- because you listen for their flaws, vulnerabilities and weaknesses - and you let them confide in you, because you know you will use this information against them later during devaluation, or to get the upper hand in an argument. Because you are always right. You are never at fault. You are perfect. You definitely taught me to talk less and listen more nowadays. I refuse to discuss my fears, vulnerabilities or prior relationships with men. At the first signs of an insecure, jealous man, I disappear. Never again. Thanks for that lesson too. My kids father was a very well endowed man, and he had a confidence and swag about himself that was unmatched. This is the real reason you hate yourself. You let this one thing make you feel less than a man--and no matter what we did, it was a bottomless pit that we could never fill. Only beating on us made you feel like a man. Size doesnt make you a man, the way you treat others and live your life does. I know some confident "small" men too- so this is your insecurity in your head.

I feel so much better having got these things off my chest. Its therapeutic. Now that tax season is here, it's time for me to reserve my summer vacations. I'll be distracted for quite a while and wont be online as much. Amen!!

To ___

It was so nice catching up with you, you haven't changed at all and I'm so glad we can be friends now :). I still see you as a great guy and I'm so happy you're achieving those dreams of yours.

To ___

Can't believe I passed you AGAIN last week. Dunno what is up with the creepily frequent run ins. Anyway, things are going great with life and I felt nothing. Hope you're well and good luck with things when you head overseas.

I hate this day. Yet still hoping you will make some sort of grand gesture to show me you still care. I know you won't. But I still hope that you will show up at my door with flowers. I know this is just a fantasy and your ego is way too important for you to every do something so thoughtful. I know you will never be the one to say you want me back, but I also know you are missing me. Probably not me per se, but just having someone there to call on your breaks or your drive from home. Missing someone to spend a lazy sunday with in bed. Missing the great sex we had. I know this because I miss all these things. And lets face it, our relationship was totally codependent. We had great chemistry yes, but we had nothing else. But when will I stop hoping that you will actually admit all this to me?

Today was supposed to be our wedding day! Sadly, i'm here posting to this forum to release some of the thoughts i have in my head. It's funny how it takes losing someone to realize (fully) just how valuable they are to you. I could kick myself! I wish I'd known just how much those words i said in the heat of the moment affected you. I certainly know now. S, I really do love you despite it all. However, I'm super proud of you for recognizing that this just would not have worked given our current state. You're truly a lovely and awesome woman.

I've been seeing a therapist who has been helping me unpack many of the issues i refused to see during our relationship. It helped me to see that our marriage would have never succeeded the way things were. It's Bittersweet really. On the one hand i'm grieving the lose of my best friend and the love of my life. On the other hand, so much has been revealed to me about who i really am! It's really ugly. You don't (didn't) deserve that. You deserve far better. I'm trusting the process and believing that i will come out of this a much better man.

If i'm being honest, i'm doing a lot of this for you. But, i know it's best i just do this for myself and hope that my next relationship (whether we reconnect or i meet someone new) is free of the deep rooted darkness that is inside me.

Thank You for loving me and showing me so much grace while we were together. I pray nothing but peace and joy over your life... Especially today.

You gave me hope baby girl. I hope you receive the best love that I wasn't capable of giving you. A piece of me is missing and I hope you can finally understand where I was going from. I hope one day we can sit down and laugh at how dumb we were. You great one fast. You are truly something special. M&M.

...

HULK[emoji172][ATTACH]11577[/ATTACH]

Coming from

Aaahhhh I should of posted here,

I saw a post you made that mentioned you probably acted pretty terrible to an ex or exes. I wonder if you were referring to me. Probably not. It doesn't really matter much. You also liked a family member of mine's post recently. That was weird. Yall weren't really friends and you and I aren't friends anymore. I am still searching for signs subconsciously. It's sad. It's been a year and I think about you every day still. It would've been easier had I never met you.

How are you, really?

I’ve heard you’re not so great.

I miss you.

I was wrong for how I treated you. You taught me a lesson I’ll never forget. I miss so much about the relationship we had. It doesn’t feel like 4 months. Feels like it was just yesterday I was with you.

In the end you are right and we weren’t good for each other. I need to stop fighting that.

I found out you have been with a new girl since November. How dare you treat me like this, dump me like I meant nothing and 1 month later, you already fool around with another woman while I cry and suffer, worry about your mental health and hope you are doing fine?! I am sure now you left me because you were after her.

How dare you lie to me, the only one who was there for you, listened to your problems, supported you and cheered you on?! Who comforted you when you were sad, held you when you were scared, tried to help you men your relationships! Who went to your appointments with you?! I really did love you, this is not just a word to me! It meant something!

You don't deserve me, you don't deserve a loyal woman like me who devotes herself to being kind and loving to her partner. You sullied my most sacred beliefs, destroyed the happy person I was, the hopeful and kind soul I had is gone! I have never been betrayed like this before, and believe me, I have been ed over a lot. My life has always been a struggle, it has always been filled with pain and you knew it, and yet you used me! Why did you lie to me!?

I was sad and could barely get out of bed while you were already sleeping with her! I am so stupid, thinking I was special. You gave me false hope, shattered my heart to pieces, lied to me and walked all over me while I was defending you, loving you and thinking, I found the man who I would be with; that I found my happy ending. That I finally got lucky.

I was sad, yes, but now I'm pissed. Heard she doesn't treat you well. Good. You deserve it. While I hope you find happiness, I do, I don't think you deserve it at this moment. I want you to feel the hopelessness I felt when you broke my heart into a thousand pieces. I gave you things I gave nobody before you, I ... told you things nobody else knows, about my past, about my abuse and you spit in my face. A relationship born from such pain can never be healthy, can never work out! I hope this haunts you for a good while.

I hope you find out some other man saw what you didn't and regretted it for the rest of your life, knowing you left someone who would have loved you till the end, would have been kind and loving and would have been good to your family and your friends, like I have been before! They all still love me, they even defended me. What does that say about you? That man will be braver than you will ever be, he will be better than you, he will tell me he loves me and he will show it. One day, I will be grateful you ed me over so badly because I will be with someone who deserves a loyal woman like myself. It will take a while, to get myself together, to start believing love is real again but I won't let you destroy the future I always wanted.

I threw out the dried flowers I kept from you. I don't want to see them. I threw out the necklace you gave me for my birthday. I don't ever want to touch that meaningless again, that made me believe I was something special in your life. I don't ever want to be blinded by my love again!

You made me do this! YOU DID THIS! Don't you ever dare forget it. We could have had it all and now all you will have is just another fling with this woman before she screws you over like all others before her. All I will be now is a regret you will feel for the rest of your life!

Hope you are happy. I wish I never met you. I wish I never wasted 2 years of my life on you. I wish I never told you I loved you! I wish I never wasted all that money on you, to see you, to find meaningful gifts! To take you to diners because I wanted you to know how much I valued you! I wish our parents never met! Now they are involved and suffering too.

How could you do this to me... I thought you respected me... at least cared enough not to break me... I trusted you and you treated me worse than those women who abused you, cheated on you and controlled you. Made me believe I was worthless and ugly, like I was never good enough.

Guess who isn't good enough? YOU!

Good bye, it is your loss in the end, not mine. You lost someone special, all I lost was a lying, cowardly man who couldn't treat me right if it hit him in the face.

Dear Kirsten Maree A

Isang buwan na rin pala yung nakalipas nung nangyari yun lahat. The last I heard was from your friend at sinabi niyang happy ka at glowing, her exact words. I never was the type of person to wish any of my ex ill, pero sobrang nasaktan ako nang malaman yun. Kasi habang ako dito umiiyak at nasasaktan, naka-move on kana pala. Walang oras na hindi ka dumaan sa isipan ko. Walang minuto na hindi kita na-miss. Nakakainis ka sobra. Bakit ganito nangyari satin? Bakit di ka man lang nag-explain? Miss na miss na kita bubu!!! Miss ko na mga pangungulit mo sakin... Hindi ka man lang nakapag-antay na makapag-usap tayo in person at maayos lahat. Pero gradually, natuto na akong tanggapin yung katotohanan na ayaw mo na talaga. Sabi nga nila, it'll always be at the back of your mind... to break up with me. Kaya kung ito na talaga gusto mo, kahit gusto pa kita ipaglaban, pinapalaya na kita. Sobrang saya ko yung almost three years kang nasa buhay ko. Hindi sobrang umaasa na babalik kapa... pero pinagppray ko talaga na magka-change of heart ka parin. Prayers work. Walang imposible. Pinagpray kita at dumating ka sa buhay ko. If you return in kind, then I'll know you're truly mine. If ever that day comes... Handa ako i-work out ang mga pagkakamali at pagkukulang natin.

Pero if hindi na talaga, know that you will always hold this special place in my heart.

DM

I saw you in traffic yesterday, and the day after. Im going to avoid Riverdale so I dont see you so much. One of your headlights are dim needs to be replaced. I pulled ahead of you and got a good look at you, since you dont know what my new car looks like. I couldn't help but notice how much you have aged. You look even older than you did just 8 months ago. I hurried up and turned off on the highway because I didnt want you to see me. Nothing positive would come from an interaction between us. I couldve played with you all day, flashed my headlights, follow you to see where you were going, flag you down, etc. but what's the point in wasting your time or mine? I'm not trying to hold on to you.

Seeing you in any capacity doesnt flood me with good feelings, I only remember how you said 1)I wasnt your priority 2)my special needs son was retarded 3) get the F away from you and get out of your personal space and drew your fist back at me 3)I dont love you and I never did b****. But it's all good though!!

If you and other men in my past hadn't treated me so badly, I wouldn't recognize and appreciate a good man. I am preparing myself to be a great wife, and I could say that I never met a man that I could be trust or be faithful to until recently. I didnt value myself therefore I always untrustworthy men like you ---abusers, manipulators, gaslighters, cheaters, cocaine/weed addicts, porn addicts, alcoholics, PTSD sufferers or otherwise codependent. I am taking it very slow and I'm not pressured to have sex because he wants to wait until marriage like I do.This is the type of men that I've been waiting for all of my life. (Ps. I no longer date older men, or any men with military backgrounds because I longer find them desirable. I switched things up to get a different result.) Even if we dont work, I'm on the right track to getting the type of man I desire.

I really feel sorry for you. I just paid my deposit on an overseas vacation and you continue to live a dull, boring existence, full of anger and rage, if you feel anything else at all--depending on validation, praise from low self esteem women to feel good about yourself. Nobody can make you feel good about you but YOU. You cannot love a woman the way she deserves. Its not that you dont want to- you are incapable. You crave love, yet you cant trust in it. Then You are: vindictive, vengeful, insecure, disordered, delusional, very low self esteem, abusive grudge holding, needy, critical, insulting, controlling, jealous and I could go on and on with the synonyms. You are a broken man who will continue to break every woman that tries to love you. If they have sense, they will get away from you before they age before their time. Loving you will have a woman aging in dog years.

People will assume that any woman you are with will be getting beat behind closed doors because everyone knows the truth of who you truly are now. If I EVER see you out with a woman, that's what I will assume, along with how shes wasting her life- no marriage license, no orgasms, plus getting beat and then getting blamed for it? Yeah, she will be real happy with you. If you do marry a woman, she will pay dearly for that marriage license with torture, suffering and unrealistic expectations.

Adrian left you with a house you never wanted to begin with, and got a larger beautiful home in Greenbriar. And youre struggling to hold on to it, when you've already sunk 20 years of payments into it-- and ain't no closer to having the title than back in 1998. Pam talked about marriage with you, only to disappear on you with no Intention of repayment or marriage because she was tired of your revenge, just like I was. Each time we left and returned, hoping things would be better, you got revenge on us for leaving. You'd pretend to be nice for a week or two, then strike when we were off guard. But if it hadn't been for her talking to me, telling me it will never get better, I'd still be wasting my life with you. That woman who gave you an ultimatum about marriage. She left you because she realized that as long as you can get a dumb woman to play house- help you pay YOUR house note, YOUR Bills, grow YOUR business, cook, clean and sex you regularly, all of the duties of a wife but with no marriage license, or real authority-- that's what you will do. And she left because theres nothing for her to gain from being with you-- and if you dropped dead, your oldest daughter would come right in and take control because legally, shes the next of kin. Damn some life insurance, women want that marriage license, and that's something no woman will ever get from you because you focus on people's flaws, yet don't seem to think you have any yourself. You REALLY DO THINK YOU ARE PERFECT. And that's insanity.

I told you that I was going to get me a husband in the church if we didnt work out. I know you dont believe that any man of substance will ever want me as a wife. That's what you wanted me to believe when we were together. You didnt think I was capable of acquiring a 4000 square foot house, buying 2 vehicles cash in 2018 either though, did you? Well, I WILL have a great husband one day. And the wedding photos will be on my social media page for all to see. So many people wrote me off, counted me out and doomed me to be a failure. Just wait and see!!

We haven't even been divorced a year and a half, but you're married again. I hope this time you stay and don't run off into the arms of another person after a few years like in your last 3 relationships. I think 6-7 years with someone is your magic number. You attempted to email me this past December, I did get it, but I chose not to reply. You're a married woman emailing me about "still thinking of me". I maintain no contact, because it's better for me to move on - even if secretly I think of you often. You left me, you took my step-kids away and you went off on your own into the arms of another. I've come to terms with that, but that doesn't mean I have to keep reliving it by talking to you, seeing you or knowing your business. This song tonight popped into my head, these particular lyrics hit home -- " Cause I wished you the best of all this world could give and I told you when you left me there's nothing to forgive..but I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you've found was heartbreak and misery". Each day, month and soon to be years that pass dulls the ache you had caused with our divorce. I really want you to be happy, which I believe you are so that's enough for me. Love isn't supposed to be selfish so I hope that he protects you, the kids and treats you the way you deserve.

I found out you have been with a new girl since November. How dare you treat me like this, dump me like I meant nothing and 1 month later, you already fool around with another woman while I cry and suffer, worry about your mental health and hope you are doing fine?! I am sure now you left me because you were after her.

 

How dare you lie to me, the only one who was there for you, listened to your problems, supported you and cheered you on?! Who comforted you when you were sad, held you when you were scared, tried to help you men your relationships! Who went to your appointments with you?! I really did love you, this is not just a word to me! It meant something!

 

You don't deserve me, you don't deserve a loyal woman like me who devotes herself to being kind and loving to her partner. You sullied my most sacred beliefs, destroyed the happy person I was, the hopeful and kind soul I had is gone! I have never been betrayed like this before, and believe me, I have been ed over a lot. My life has always been a struggle, it has always been filled with pain and you knew it, and yet you used me! Why did you lie to me!?

 

I was sad and could barely get out of bed while you were already sleeping with her! I am so stupid, thinking I was special. You gave me false hope, shattered my heart to pieces, lied to me and walked all over me while I was defending you, loving you and thinking, I found the man who I would be with; that I found my happy ending. That I finally got lucky.

 

I was sad, yes, but now I'm pissed. Heard she doesn't treat you well. Good. You deserve it. While I hope you find happiness, I do, I don't think you deserve it at this moment. I want you to feel the hopelessness I felt when you broke my heart into a thousand pieces. I gave you things I gave nobody before you, I ... told you things nobody else knows, about my past, about my abuse and you spit in my face. A relationship born from such pain can never be healthy, can never work out! I hope this haunts you for a good while.

 

I hope you find out some other man saw what you didn't and regretted it for the rest of your life, knowing you left someone who would have loved you till the end, would have been kind and loving and would have been good to your family and your friends, like I have been before! They all still love me, they even defended me. What does that say about you? That man will be braver than you will ever be, he will be better than you, he will tell me he loves me and he will show it. One day, I will be grateful you ed me over so badly because I will be with someone who deserves a loyal woman like myself. It will take a while, to get myself together, to start believing love is real again but I won't let you destroy the future I always wanted.

 

I threw out the dried flowers I kept from you. I don't want to see them. I threw out the necklace you gave me for my birthday. I don't ever want to touch that meaningless again, that made me believe I was something special in your life. I don't ever want to be blinded by my love again!

 

 

You made me do this! YOU DID THIS! Don't you ever dare forget it. We could have had it all and now all you will have is just another fling with this woman before she screws you over like all others before her. All I will be now is a regret you will feel for the rest of your life!

 

Hope you are happy. I wish I never met you. I wish I never wasted 2 years of my life on you. I wish I never told you I loved you! I wish I never wasted all that money on you, to see you, to find meaningful gifts! To take you to diners because I wanted you to know how much I valued you! I wish our parents never met! Now they are involved and suffering too.

 

How could you do this to me... I thought you respected me... at least cared enough not to break me... I trusted you and you treated me worse than those women who abused you, cheated on you and controlled you. Made me believe I was worthless and ugly, like I was never good enough.

 

Guess who isn't good enough? YOU!

 

Good bye, it is your loss in the end, not mine. You lost someone special, all I lost was a lying, cowardly man who couldn't treat me right if it hit him in the face.

Be strong.

Hey you,

Hope things are adjusting well. I dunno why I thought about you today but I dunno. Some part of me still remembers the love I felt for you in the past and I had this flashback of us laughing our heads off, drunk with elation as we swayed, hips touching down _________ street.

Maybe this year I'll finally find someone else I can actually love again.

That feeling has been gone for too long.

Running into you last month was totally unexpected. I never would've pulled in that cove had I known you would be there. But seeing you wasnt as bad as I imagined it would be.

You still blame me for the breakup- If thats what helps you sleep at night, ok. You told me to get the f*** away from you and get out your personal space. You told me you didnt give a f*** about me and never did b***h. Then you let me sit in that hurt for 6 days while you pursued another woman. You didn't care about my feelings. When you came back after those 6 days, like nothing ever happened, I just couldnt get past what you said. I tried for the last 7 days that we talked but it was never the same. The trust was gone. I couldn't trust that you wouldn't hurt me again and again if you had the chance to. I have to protect myself from people who cannot forgive and move forward. People who only stay in my life so that they can gather Information to turn around and try to destroy me and my mental well being. People like you and April, who are really dangerous to be around because you hold grudges for a lifetime.

We both know what REALLY happened that led to the breakup. After 8 months NC you still tried to alter the reality of what happened. What I found surprising is that you thought it was acceptable to sexually assault me by grabbing and touching on me, trying to see if I've shaved my private area, etc. I hope you enjoyed rubbing on me though, because that's the last rub you will ever get.

When we were seeing each other, you never gave me oral sex or even foreplay. And I got bored with sex with you, which led to me cheating. There are men out here that are sucking toes, giving oral, licking whip cream, chocolate and other desirables off of womens bodies. You just dont turn me on anymore.

There are men out here who are ok with being a side dude too- and they understand that the side dude is supposed to do everything that the main guy isnt doing. You claimed that you were okay with being my side dude after we broke up on valentine's day, when you called my toddler son retarded. So after you said that about my child, you knew that while i still cared for you, I'd never take you seriously as far as a relationship- because if you got SO mad at me, so full of anger and rage that you would TARGET my special needs son, who was 3 and never did anything to anyone- that I needed to protect my son and my other kids from you. You knew the trust was gone as far as bringing you around any of my kids- then you turn around and demand to be able to come to my house for us to have sex.

You knew this was not an option because my kids father lived there, and you didnt know that from day one but when you found out, you tolerated it because you didn't have to financially provide for me or my kids, and you still had access to effort free sex from me. You didn't have to wine and dine me, or anything and you was okay with that for 2 years. You beat on me, degraded me, put me and my kids down and talked about us. I gave you sex in any position that you wanted it and you still didnt appreciate me. So I cut back on the sex and started distancing myself from you to break that emotional detachment.

I just find it odd that you would want to restart a sexual relationship with me when you didnt appreciate me or our "arrangement" the first time around. I guess you've been dating and you see that these women want money, they want respect, they want to be courted and dated properly- and with me, you got effort free sex on demand and didnt have to give me money or respect.

When you was grabbing on me and pulling me close, it made me very uncomfortable. I had no problem with a platonic, break the ice hug, but getting sexual with you hadnt crossed my mind in damn near a year.

You know good and well I cannot be alone for long, and while I dont have a man per se, I am sexually active, even though it is only once every 3 to 4 months. And you know that I'm not in this huge house alone every single night either. So maybe you were trying to see if I am still that old cheating, dishonest woman but I am NOT. I am terribly lonely at times; but I dont want or need anyone disrupting my peace. I do acknowledge that having a main man and a side man isnt right, even though that's what I would still prefer at moments in time. But I am evolving, and old habits die hard. I refuse to hurt any other men, so I choose loneliness until I am ready to seriously date one man only. No more fwb, no more side men, no more looking for external validation and forms of "love." I am learning to love myself and a sense of peace comes with that too.

That all being said, you never once said you missed me, or that you would like to invite me over for some lamb. My aunts 2nd death anniversary was the day we saw each other, and I talked to you in the hot sun for over an hour because i had nothing but a large empty house to come home to that day. While I may not have had sex with you that day, who knows what could've happened? But you thought that you could toss me a few crumbs of affection and get me in bed. And that old, needy, low self esteem woman that you once knew is long gone now. I listen to what men DONT say. Saying you miss my "chunky" was an insult, not a compliment. There are plenty of men that miss my intense sexual prowess- you're one of many men from my past that try to get me back under the sheets. My Facebook inbox is full of messages from my exes and sexual partners from past conquests. I require mental stimulation,(I bore of men easily) genuine love and affection, and lots of attention among other things- things that I realized 9 months ago that I will never get from you.

I didnt ask you questions about your life or your family-choosing to let you tell me what you wanted me to know. You are an ex and I respect that we are forever done. I am very nosy and inquisitive and always in someone's business-- that I "care"about. So the fact that I didnt share much about myself or ask about Tommi or who you are dating should let you know what it is. I am a work in progress, but I am still impulsive at times. We could've probably had some one time, no strings attached sex had you simply came with a respectful approach; and not grabbing me like some hooker on a street corner. I dont sit by the phone and hope you will call me anymore. When it got to that point with us, you triggered my abandonment. Kinda like waiting for my mother to come back, that never came back. So I have zero expectations where you are concerned. I dont care who you sleep with, where you go or what you do. I'd be lying if I didnt say that I dont miss the 5 and 6 hour telephone conversations that we had though. The mental stimulation is what I miss, not the sex, honestly.

I still enjoyed talking to you though, for what it's worth. I never let a man tell me more than once that he doesnt want me. Telling me how Pam sucked your D like a champ, and telling me to get away from you and out of your personal space, and that you never gave a f*** about me and never did b**** just caused a hurt and brokenness in me that I could never get past with you. You set out to hurt me in every way possible Kenneth, and you finally succeeded. My kids father had already wounded me so deeply, but I didnt love him the way that I loved you. After my aunt died, their father was the only blood relative that they have, other than me. Ann nurtured the girls and Gary nurtured my special needs son. Taking away the last sense of normalcy that my kids had in their father brought a sense of guilt that I just couldnt bring myself to do. If I had taken my son from the only person in the world who loved him, I could never forgive myself. You called him retarded so I knew you could never love me or my son, because he is a part of me and calling him retarded is the same as calling me retarded.

That is why we ended up in the scenario that we had. It wasnt right but I had lived without love, affection and attention for decades. Even now, I wished that I had done things differently but like I told you, it's all in the past and it doesnt even matter now. I hope you find a woman that will make you happy, I really do. And now I will never speak on you here on this forum again- so that I can close the door on you and truly move forward. Seeing you took away the resentment I had. And it also showed me that going back to you would only mean more bad sex, more getting blamed for everything and more bad treatment from you- none of which is more appealing than loneliness.