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Thread: Feeling guilty and wrong towards ex. Should I contact?

  1. #1

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    Feeling guilty and wrong towards ex. Should I contact?

    Hey guys,

    I (F32) was in a relationship with him (M26) for approximately 4 months. The first three months were amazing. There was no fighting, arguing and we were just really a great match. We both did things for each other that we never did for others.

    After the third month we had a big blowout because my then boyfriend accused me of causing issues over petty things. Apparently heíd been struggling with this feeling for a while now but bottled it up until that one moment after 3 months. It was horrible. The last month we kept going back & forth about how to handle it from now on. We decided that we were going to give it another go but he still needed a little more time to go back to where we were.

    I waited a week after that last conversation where he said he needed to prepare himself mentally, until I said listen either weíre gonna go for it or not. He became very angry and upset and told me he was done. I told him fine and accepted it, even though I could feel it was just his emotions talking. I never begged, pleaded, cried and just left it at that. I never truly understood what the issue was in the first place and thought all these arguments in the last month had been over nothing. Not truly understanding how he really felt. Then again not truly feeling understood myself.

    We were still following each other on social media and I tried my very best to never show him I upset I really was. Always posted stuff showing me having a good time. For some reason (probably pride or ego) i didnít want him to know. Also because in that last convo he said some upsetting things to me.
    On the other hand I could tell that he was trying to get my attention on social media by some of the things he posted, but I just ignored all of it. Heís a very prideful guy so he probably wouldíve never just personally talked to me. That was his way of screaming ďHello Iím still hereĒ.

    Eventually I decided that it was time to let go and deleted him of all social media. Didnít congratulate him on his birthday and really tried to move on. Still having a hard time doing so, mostly because all of it just seemed to have ended abruptly. One moment we were living this fairytale, the next were in this emotional rollercoaster with a sudden end. I sent him a text message once after a month post break up, just to check and see how he was doing. He responded politely but short and I left it at that.

    Anyway, last week I had a small inconvenience with a friend of mine, where she tried to put me in my place (once again) over something very minor. I got very annoyed because I felt so under appreciated. I felt like I have been doing a lot for this friend and now sheís trying to pick a fight over nothing. It felt as if she was risking our friendship over this silly little thing. So suddenly I felt how my ex boyfriend must have felt when he told me he just couldnít handle me making issues over small things. Suddenly I understood everything he was trying to tell me during that last month. I have to say communication isnít his best trait, but now that this happend with my friend I understood. And I feel guilt and sadness. Mostly because I acted so cold and aloof after he broke up with me. Never gave in to his seeking attention stuff. Probably gave him the idea I never really cared and this is not the person I want to be or want to come across as.

    It has been 2 months since we broke up. I donít think I want him back. I kind of accepted the whole thing. I just feel bad that it happened so roughly and that I never truly expressed my emotions and that heíll never know how much I did care and that I do understand. I donít know, I guess Iím contemplating contacting him letting him know how everything felt for me. Even though I donít have a particular outcome in mind, Iím still scared as to what his reaction would be. What do you guys think? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You need to let go. Write a letter, but don't send it. Simply continue working on your communication skills.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I've never welcomed communication from exes. Back when you couldn't block someone's number, it happened to me and really pissed me off. How dare they intrude on my closure and stir up all of those bad emotions, setting me back to square one in moving on.

    Leave him alone. If you want to do what's best for everyone, learn from whatever mistakes you make with any types of life experience, and be a better person for whoever enters your life in the future.

    He survived without you four months ago. He'll be just fine without you. That amount of time is the blink of an eye in the scope of things.

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    I get what youíre saying. Although I kind of feel like itís getting in the way of my own closure. I feel like because I havenít expressed my self fully Iím dealing with bottled up emotions. I get that for some it may seem selfish to contact an ex after two months, but for me it feels like it would give me the closure I need cause I pretended to feel nothing for so long.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    This is one those thoughts that I think is best observed, but not indulged.

    When something goes sideways after only three months? It's generally a pretty simpleóif also quite sadóstory of two people who weren't compatible. Not your fault, not his, but just a fragile fairytale. That you "never gave in to his seeking attention stuff," I think, says a lot of good about you and might say a lot about that basic incompatibility.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I don't think it's ever a good idea to open a door that's already been closed just to relieve your own discomfort. That serves you, not him. Closure comes from within. Not from someone else.
    I also kinda suspect there is more to your intentions, though. There is a bit of a double standard when you say that you are trying to show your best self on social media, that you are somewhat carefree and don't care, yet he does the same just to get your attention?
    If you are wanting to open this door again, it's ok. Just admit to yourself.
    Seriously, if you were completely done, all this messy stuf would not even be on your radar.
    Give your self credit for catching your behaviour and going forward take it as a personal lesson learned. No need to broadcast it to anyone in your rear view mirror.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you miss him now that he's gone and hope he replies with wanting to get together. However, many relationships are fairy tale like the first few mos. until the incompatibilities arise and that's when the arguments started. This isn't about closure. Closure was when it ended, not sending your feelings 2 mos later.
    Originally Posted by Xtina001
    I donít think I want him back. I kind of accepted the whole thing. Iím contemplating contacting him letting him know how everything felt for me. Even though I donít have a particular outcome in mind, Iím still scared as to what his reaction would be.

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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    There is a bit of a double standard when you say that you are trying to show your best self on social media, that you are somewhat carefree and don't care, yet he does the same just to get your attention?
    He wasnít showing his carefree self but was posting quotes and lyrics such as ďcall me when you need meĒ and ďwhatever you do, donít give up on usĒ.

  10. #9

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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Seriously, if you were completely done, all this messy stuf would not even be on your radar
    I surely am not over it yet. I am not sure if I want to get back together. I guess for me itís about the closure but then again there is truth when they say itís about finding closure in yourself. Also itís the feeling of animosity between us that I donít like. I feel like itís unnecessary. I am still friendly with all of my exes but when it comes to him, I feel like he resents me for turning my back on him and not appreciating him.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Both of you were not meant to be. If both of you had issues after only a few months of being together, something is very wrong with this picture.

    I agree with others. Let it go. Let him go. Go your separate ways and accept that this brief relationship didn't succeed for a reason.

    No sense rehashing the past. What's done is done. That ship has sailed. Keep moving forward ~ with someone else.

    I remember when my husband and I were dating. We didn't fight, argue, become dramatic, blow up nor any of that. We were and still are compatible. Emotional maturity from both people is the secret to a harmonious relationship and marriage.

    Choose a man who has "emotional intelligence" and Google those words.

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