Post here instead of contacting your ex!

It's so hard not to text or email... I'm loosing my mind... "Take me back..... I'll do anything you want me to, I'll be a better person.... " blah blah blah...

Yeah, I'm right there with you. What I keep telling myself is that it just looks needy/desperate and a huge turn-off. No woman want's a weak guy just groveling. We're stronger than that and if they don't want us, then we find someone worthy of our love. I mean I know that's not how we feel but that's how it needs to look. We have to focus on being a better version of ourselves than they were with.

My recent ex took no time at all falling madly in love with someone else. I'm not mad at her, just sad and wondering how did that happen, and how did she fall so hard for them so quickly. She's a little overweight, a lot bossy and has three really annoying sons, I can't see anyone being that excited about her. (other than me). I know nothing other than he has a decent job and a few kids that get along with her kids, and I don't want to know anything else. I know they are going through the new relationship "honeymoon phase" and it may fizzle quickly but then again, she and I met quickly and jumped into things and it last almost three years.

So shes bossy and has three annoying kids, that's a few reasons I should not be so sad...

I have started dating again. He is a great guy. He is a lawyer. He has an apartment in UES. Everybody said that he is more my caliber - we make a good gay power couple. He has liked me since we were both in Miami. He has been waiting for all these years until I am single. I did not know that until he told me about it last week. I thought I would give him a chance.

But anytime I talked to him on the phone, I am thinking of you. I remember when you said, "Too bad babe, you are stuck with me for the rest of your life." And I loved it. And this is also probably the reason why you are now unable to promise me anything. Because you are afraid that you would give me false hope again.

I really hate Child Gambino's new MV: Made in America. It has been everywhere and it has been the talk of the week. It reminds me of how you have a crush on him. There are times that I was imagining I am dating him. And then you see us on the news and you get jealous. Oh it gives me so much satisfaction.

During the day most of the time I feel ok. But you are always on the back of my mind. I wonder whether you found a new job. I wonder whether you still hang out with those people that are bad influence to you. I know you need to find yourself, but why do you have to through that destructive path? You drink and smoke weed everyday. Incessantly. While you are jobless. While you can use the time constructively to get a better future. I got your message that the vocational school I was registering for you was closed down, and you have nobody to talk about this? Is that because you realize that it was only me who care about your future? Do you realize that those friends of yours are there only for the good times? I sticked with you through thick and thin. Five years. Even though you cheated on me several times. I keep blaming myself for everything. But last night, I was watching this youtube video that made me realize that I have tried my best. That I have to forgive myself.

I am not a perfect person. But I did not cheat on you. When I was busy with my MBA program, I still tried to talk with you whenever I could. I stayed until 3 AM talking to you even though I have to be awake in 3 hours. But it was not enough for you. I hope you see that I did not do it on purpose - I knew that deep inside that one day I would have to end up taking care of you. I do not mind. Because I love you. That is one of the reason why I bit the bullet and went back to school to advance my career. I really want to tell you this. But I do not want to offend you.

I wish you realize you hurt me so much. So very much.

I am jobless now. Struggling to get off bed daily. Have no motivation to find a job or networking. The clock is ticking but I seem not to be able to do anything.

You ruin me.

A-

You are one of the most remarkable woman I’ve ever met. You’re strong, successful, independent, kind, funny, patient, loving, caring and beautiful. And maybe that’s why letting go is so bitter sweet. The sadness I feel is only due to how much you meant to me and the impact it left on my life. You are someone I will never forget and will always have a special place in my heart.

Not to mention the rest of your family. X, Y, the kids, your grandparents, your mom, X, Y, hell even X and Y. I miss each and every one of them every day. And hope they are all doing well and continue to do so. Anyways, that’s all I really had to say. Take care of yourself and maybe we’ll see you around someday.

Love,

N

A-

I'm so sorry I keep writing you. You won't ever read these anyways so what does it matter? I miss you so much. I was such an A$$ toward the end and it took me this situation to realize how selfish I been. You tried to communicate the problems and tried to get us help. And I met it with a brick wall. I was in denial of what was going on and this is the wake up call I needed. But the worst part about is I'll never be able to tell you. I'll never be able to apologize for my actions. I'll never be able to show you how sorry I am. I'll never be able to show you the progress I'm making. I'll never be able to see, hear, your touch you ever again. Everyone tells me I need to do this NC BS instead of just reconnecting with you. I hate it. You probably think I hate you with the way we left things but nothing could be further from the truth. You were the one, A. I had the ring and proposal picked out. We we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together. I'm so sorry I let you down baby. I will regret it for the rest of my days.

I know you're going through a lot right now. I'm so sorry I can't be there for you. Stay strong. Love,

N

Thank you for another sleepless anxiety filled night. The antidepressants aren't doing their job. I feel so alone, I don't know if I can take this much longer. With two words you could heal me, but instead you keep me at arms length, not letting me go, throwing me just enough scraps that I believe their may still be hope of us reuniting.

This could have been written by me, very similar situation and I could be married to her now if I would have proposed to her just two months ago instead of waiting and her meeting someone else.

A-

 

I'm so sorry I keep writing you. You won't ever read these anyways so what does it matter? I miss you so much. I was such an A$$ toward the end and it took me this situation to realize how selfish I been. You tried to communicate the problems and tried to get us help. And I met it with a brick wall. I was in denial of what was going on and this is the wake up call I needed. But the worst part about is I'll never be able to tell you. I'll never be able to apologize for my actions. I'll never be able to show you how sorry I am. I'll never be able to show you the progress I'm making. I'll never be able to see, hear, your touch you ever again. Everyone tells me I need to do this NC BS instead of just reconnecting with you. I hate it. You probably think I hate you with the way we left things but nothing could be further from the truth. You were the one, A. I had the ring and proposal picked out. We we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together. I'm so sorry I let you down baby. I will regret it for the rest of my days.

 

I know you're going through a lot right now. I'm so sorry I can't be there for you. Stay strong. Love,

 

N

This could have been written by me, very similar situation and I could be married to her now if I would have proposed to her just two months ago instead of waiting and her meeting someone else.

I was planning to propose to my ex for a couple years, and she left me because she met someone else. Therefore, she was never worth proposing to, and until she learns the importance of commitment and fidelity, she will remain not worth proposing to -- or even worth being with, to be quite honest. Arranged marriages have better results than laissez-faire marriages because the keystones are commitment and communication, not the short-term feelings that dumpers act on when they choose to go to someone else.

Thank you. It's difficult to see clearly when you're in the middle of it.

I was planning to propose to my ex for a couple years, and she left me because she met someone else. Therefore, she was never worth proposing to, and until she learns the importance of commitment and fidelity, she will remain not worth proposing to -- or even worth being with, to be quite honest. Arranged marriages have better results than laissez-faire marriages because the keystones are commitment and communication, not the short-term feelings that dumpers act on when they choose to go to someone else.

This could have been written by me, very similar situation and I could be married to her now if I would have proposed to her just two months ago instead of waiting and her meeting someone else.

So sorry to hear that. I can't imagine what that's like. I'd like to think I know my ex well enough that she won't be interested in dating anyone for at least a couple months. I'm still friends with her on social media until we get the moving situation sorted out. But after that, I plan on removing her from everything so I will have no idea (and hopefully not care) when she does move on. If I knew she had moved on today, I would be devastated. It make this whole situation 5x worse.

That has to be horrible. So sorry you're having to go through that :(

A-

Me again. I was going to write you today and apologize for these last 2 weeks. I was real jerk to you. I was also going to say you're an incredible woman and thanks for all the wonderful memories we got to share. That was it. I just wanted to say that so we didn't end on a bad note. I have so much guilt for the way I acted and I just wanted to say goodbye in the way that honored our relationship.

But I can't. You won't ever know that. The people on this site told me I can't contact you. But please don't be upset. They just tell me you're response or lack there of is going to destroy me. And while I want to ignore a 100 strangers and email you, they are probably right. They don't know me; they just know what I'm going through. They have all had to deal with the type of loss of their special 'A' walking out of there life. And as much as I hate it, I have to listen to them. They know what's best. They want to see me better and they know I can't trust my heart to you anymore. So, sorry A. I can't send you anything.

You'll never get the apology or goodbye you deserve. You'll never know how much I love you, miss you, and that everything I see and do reminds me of you. Nope. You're last memory of me will be a crappy text message telling you to leave me alone because I was hurting that day. That's it. That's what you get. That's will be our last moment together in the history of our existence.

Anyways, as always, hope you're doing ok. I'm sure I'll write you more tonight or tomorrow. Til then...

N

Many times I have wanted to find a way, a method to fix what I broke. To pick up the intangible pieces of what I remember viewing as special and sacred, glue them together seamlessly.

As days progressed into weeks and weeks to months one truth never left my mind. I had irrepressibly damaged you and us. For a long time you had taken the role of bystander and painfully witnessed as I attempted to throw myself away, drowning in my own self-pity, resentments, bitterness and I was good at it. Really good at it. As my addiction progressed I became more and more willing to throw everything away.

The willingness was not a coherent decision. I was lost in my own world. One occupied with insecurities, delusion and self-hatred.

One of my favourite sayings “drunk kev has ruined it again for sober kev”. I shake my head at this. Were sober kev able to be truthful, drunk kev should never have existed.

I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see anything. I was very sick and my mind was a total mess.

I dragged you along for the turbulent and sh*tty ride you never asked to be a part of. Unfortunately, I couldn’t stop the ride or let you off either.

My ambition, drive and purpose had vanished. I had two things in life, you and booze. I treated you appallingly, I take full responsibility for our demise. The actions and words I enacted and spoke were crazy.

The fun had long since gone and I was gripping on so tight terrified that I was losing you. I would talk of marriage and eighty odd kids in an effort to tie you down. I had nothing in life aside from you and booze.

When I went to AA last year, I truly wanted to get better, I did. I wanted so badly to get sober. But it wasn’t quite right for me. Perhaps the timing wasn’t right, the posting was not conducive to me staying sober but the simple answer is, I chose to drink and to excess again.

*******, I am so sorry for losing myself in alcohol and for putting you through what I did. There will be so many times you would have been hurting I am not and never will be aware of. I realise there is nothing I could possibly say to make it better or right, further, I have wanted to write this for a long time. But knew all too well, my motivation for doing so would be questioned and I told you I wouldn’t contact you again.

I know I have contacted you again, for that I am sorry, it won’t happen again. I just feel that time enough has passed for me to try to make amends. An important aspect of recovery is to be willing to do so.

This will be tarnished as I said something similar last year. Last year I did not work my programme properly or honestly. You are the second person on the list I have been willing to make amends to. The first is the man writing this.

I am just thinking of you. No matter how crappy you treated me, I ing still think of you @$$hole!

Many times I have wanted to find a way, a method to fix what I broke. To pick up the intangible pieces of what I remember viewing as special and sacred, glue them together seamlessly.

 

As days progressed into weeks and weeks to months one truth never left my mind. I had irrepressibly damaged you and us. For a long time you had taken the role of bystander and painfully witnessed as I attempted to throw myself away, drowning in my own self-pity, resentments, bitterness and I was good at it. Really good at it. As my addiction progressed I became more and more willing to throw everything away.

 

The willingness was not a coherent decision. I was lost in my own world. One occupied with insecurities, delusion and self-hatred.

 

One of my favourite sayings “drunk kev has ruined it again for sober kev”. I shake my head at this. Were sober kev able to be truthful, drunk kev should never have existed.

 

I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see anything. I was very sick and my mind was a total mess.

 

I dragged you along for the turbulent and sh*tty ride you never asked to be a part of. Unfortunately, I couldn’t stop the ride or let you off either.

 

My ambition, drive and purpose had vanished. I had two things in life, you and booze. I treated you appallingly, I take full responsibility for our demise. The actions and words I enacted and spoke were crazy.

 

The fun had long since gone and I was gripping on so tight terrified that I was losing you. I would talk of marriage and eighty odd kids in an effort to tie you down. I had nothing in life aside from you and booze.

 

When I went to AA last year, I truly wanted to get better, I did. I wanted so badly to get sober. But it wasn’t quite right for me. Perhaps the timing wasn’t right, the posting was not conducive to me staying sober but the simple answer is, I chose to drink and to excess again.

 

*******, I am so sorry for losing myself in alcohol and for putting you through what I did. There will be so many times you would have been hurting I am not and never will be aware of. I realise there is nothing I could possibly say to make it better or right, further, I have wanted to write this for a long time. But knew all too well, my motivation for doing so would be questioned and I told you I wouldn’t contact you again.

 

I know I have contacted you again, for that I am sorry, it won’t happen again. I just feel that time enough has passed for me to try to make amends. An important aspect of recovery is to be willing to do so.

 

This will be tarnished as I said something similar last year. Last year I did not work my programme properly or honestly. You are the second person on the list I have been willing to make amends to. The first is the man writing this.

I fear that Alcohol has had a large part in the demise of my last two relationships as well despite the women I was with were both drinkers. My ex wife kicked me out of our house because I drank too much but a week later I was there to clean out my stuff and I found HER half gallon of new vodka in the freezer... my current girlfriend complained about my booze consumption but always has a fifth of Gin in the freezer and a half gallon of wine in the fridge and she smokes when shes stressed. No excuse. I too drink more than I should and don't know if I am able to drink only in moderation or even what moderation is. Is 2 to 4 beers moderation? Is three mixed drinks after work moderation? how about when we go to the beach and mix up a pitcher of Sangria that we both drink together? What about the nights she goes out with her girlfriends and gets so smashed she comes home and first wants sex but then passes out only to wake up the following morning with a terrible hang over. I don't know if I can stop but I do know it caused issues in my last two relationships.

A-

Hey, baby. I feel so stupid writing to a memory of you on a website that you'll never read. But it's the only way we can stay in contact for now. We have about a week left until I have to stop talking to you. I pick up my furniture in a week and then will be the end of this. I'm going to have to not only stop writing you but will have to block you from all social media as well. I'm so sorry but it's the way it has to be forever. I need to stop loving you. I need to stop caring for you. I need to stop thinking about you. I need to stop wanting to contact you. It's not healthy. You see, you walked out on me and took a piece of me with you. I'm not mad, you had your reasons and I know I was a big part of that. But damnit, it hurts. It's hurts so much.

Today was the first day sleeping in my new place. No different from the last 2 weeks tho...I have to take sleeping pills to go to sleep. As you know, it's the only way to shut my brain off from you. I wake up at 3 in the morning because of nightmares and I automatically put my arm on where you used to sleep next to me. It's met with empty air and my sleeping state I don't understand why you're not there. It makes no sense. I don't see your beautiful red hair and I'm left with questions. I have to wake up and look over to see why. I just see emptyness. I see a new bed and a new room. I'm confused and terrified. All the memories come rushing back and I have to relieve these last 2 weeks all over again. I hate it. I hate this new life you're forcing me to live.

My friends were amazing today. They took me out to the museum. We walked around. We went bowling afterwards and it was really fun. I tried to keep it together for my friends and pretend nothing was wrong. But you know friends...they can see it my soul. I've never been one to hide my emotions. They know how heartbroken I am but they don't ask me about you or what happened. They know it's still to painful to talk about. They know all they can do is take me out and talk about other things.

We went to see Deadpool 2 aftewards. On the way to the movie theater we walked by your friends restaurant. Remember opening night when we dressed up and went with our friends? We had so much fun. It was so hard not to cry. at that. At the movie it was even worse. I remember how we loved the first one and we couldn't wait to see the second one. All I could think about was you and kept asking myself why you weren't sitting next to me. I was pale white and it took everything I had to keep it together.

I promised myself today was the first day I wouldn't cry. But the minute I came back home to my empty apartment, I lost it. You're ghost won't leave me alone. I just follows me around everywhere

and I have no escape. All I can think about is eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. I wish they had a procedure that would remove all thoughts of you from my brain.It's the only way. Drugs and alcohol are just temporary and the thought of time erasing all the feelings I have for you is just so sadder than the breakup.

I'll write you again, tomorrow, A. We only have a limited window until this is done. Hope you're holding up ok and I'm sorry for the pain that this is causing you as well.

N

Ahhhhhh, maybe it's just pms, lol, but Awww this is heartbreaking to me.

 

Hang in there! Read my private msg to you. You'll be okay :)

 

Follow what I tell you, you'll pull through stronger. I don't do right for myself, but I promise you I'd never misguide you .

Thank you so much SweetGirl28. I know I sound like a broken record but I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate your advice along with everyone else on this site. You guys are the only thing keeping me somewhat sane right now. I can't stop thinking about her. I'm just so heartbroken. I have to keep fighting these dumb urges to call her or go down to the bar across the street and drink her away. So, I sit on this forum (between crying sessions) and re-read every single post. Not only the advice to me but what other people are going through. All of you are such amazing and beautiful people. We don't deserve this...none of us do.

Went NC and see you more than when we were together. ust bumped into you randomly again. What part of no i dont want to go for a drink with you as we cant be friends dont you understand? STOP ASKING.

Was it all a lie? Did you ever actually love me? Why couldn't you just be honest with me??

I wish I would have never met you, but at the same time I just wish you'd snap out of it and see how wonderful life with me would be. How wonderful life with me was before all of this.

You didn't even give me a fair chance. Do you even want a relationship, or are you just out playing.

9 months!! Wasnt it exhausting keeping up a charade for 9 months??? , I just dont understand.

Why did you have to text me today? I tried to be civil this time and pretended our communication didn't bother me. But it did. I know you just had a legitimate question about misplacing your stuff; I know you're not trying to mess with me or anything. But seeing your name pop up on my phone every week or so is destroying me more and more. Please, please, please stop. Everything I own is at your place, take what you want and replace what you don't have/misplaced. It's just things and not worth the emotional heartache you are putting me through by reaching out. It's not fair that you don't care anymore and you're moving on with your life while I'm emotionally crippled because you're ghost won't leave me alone.

If you can't honor that request, then please, I am begging you...just stay out of my head at night. Sleep is the only thing I had to look forward to but thanks to the dreams I had last night, that's no longer safe either. You're everywhere I go and I can't get you out.

I would give anything to go one day...hell even an hour, without thinking of you or crying over you. To know there is some light at the end of this cold, dark, and terrifying tunnel....

Why couldn't you just be as happy with me as you pretended to be? I'm trying not to question my own worth, but its difficult to do when the man who supposedly loves me wont even speak to me and lives on a dating site.

Why? I thought I was all that you wanted. That's what you told me.

I hate going to bed because I know the morning will come.

Mornings were our time to talk.....

A-

It's getting late so thought I'd write you one last time tonight. I still hated that you reached out to me. I have no idea what you're thinking or doing anymore. You're a different person and I hate it. The person I loved and that loved me back is nothing but a memory I'm holding onto. It's funny how that works. 3 weeks ago were picking out wedding rings and today we're complete strangers. It's just not right.

This week is going to be pretty tough on me. It's my first week in a new place. And every day is going to be so long because I'll be staring at the clock trying to figure out ways to pass the time until I can go to sleep. And the week after that I get to look forward to getting all my stuff back from your place. Every single thing that comes off the moving truck is going to have all these memories attached too it. And I know I'll break down...have to get rid of it all...and start from square one. When will there be an escape from you?

As much as I still love you, please don't contact me until the move. I just want to hear your cold, stranger like texts one more time in my life and then I'll take the next odd some months getting over whatever I thought we had. Can you do that one last thing for me? I'm asking you this on here because I can't reach out and ask you over text. It'll show that I still care which apparently I'm not allowed to do. Apparently, I have to be cordial and pretend none of this is bothering me. I have to pretend to be mature and pretend I'm moving past this. And even if I did reach out via text, it would probably start some disagreement I'm not equipped to handle. It'll make things worse. Ah well...

In the end, I still don't blame or hate you for anything. Your'e just human and doing what you think is best. I get it. I just wish you would drop the sh1t and just call me so we can talk things out. But we both know that won't happen. So, goodnight and can't wait to see how you haunt my dreams tonight.

N

I'm so sorry for not contacting you, replying to you, talking to you..

It will only hurt both of us unless you're trying to sort things out with me and are upfront about that.. Maybe I will talk to you then, but it will probably just make us both unhappy..

I'm so sorry for not contacting you, replying to you, talking to you..

 

It will only hurt both of us unless you're trying to sort things out with me and are upfront about that.. Maybe I will talk to you then, but it will probably just make us both unhappy..

Kudos for NC dedication my friend! That takes a lot of strength and self respect right there.

I've done everything right. These past few weeks have been so easy. Like a breath of fresh air.

So why is tonight so hard? I can hear your voice, picture your face so clearly. I know I'll never be around you again. I figure it doesn't bother you. Nothing bothers you.

Not sure why I even wasted time writing here. We're just strangers now.