Post here instead of contacting your ex!

I want to send you a letter saying good things so it ends not with you cursing me out, but with me feeling like I took the high road. But I also secretly hope it would win you back and that isn't healing that is delaying. And I need to heal.

Twice today I have really wanted to contact you. The good times were great. The bad times were horrible. Some were my fault, some were yours, but none of them deserved the scorn and abuse I got. I still miss you though in spite of that and the silent treatments. I'm telling this to the void not you though.

I've been missing you a lot this past week. There's so many things I want to share with you. I miss sharing my life with you and taking so much joy in all these random things with you.

I just got back a midterm grade -- I got 100%. It was a pretty simple midterm, but it's good that I scored well. I'm maintaining control of my classes this semester and it's only a matter of time until I graduate. 8 more weeks and I will finally be in control of my own well-being. I wish I could be happier with my own success, though -- doing well makes me unhappy. I used to try to do well for you, working as hard as I could for you.. without you, I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing.

My diet and exercise routine is going...okay. I'm having good weeks and non-productive weeks. I've lost 60% of the weight I'd wanted to, and I'm starting to receive compliments for working out again. I wish I could have you hug my arm and say "my muscle" again, but I guess you're doing that with your new boyfriend now. I haven't been going to the gym as consistently as before, as I'm trying to make a transition to staying on campus basically all day just to avoid home stress, but I am still going 2-4 times a week. I've also started going to the campus gym with some friends and I've started playing racquetball. It's super fun and I wish I could play it with you. I hope as the weather warms up that I can bike to campus again -- doing that would help me maintain a good exercise regime.

As for diet, I'm forcing myself to be brave enough to actually use the kitchen while my mother's around so I can start being more consistent with it again. When cooking on Monday night, it was both hard to hear and terrifying as she was both mourning the loss of a relationship with me (it's too hard and painful to interact with her now, and honestly, I don't want to) while simultaneously talking about how I need to be gotten rid of somehow; however, those were just things she'd repeat alongside the regular insanity about hating license plates, Elvis Presley, and whatever else the schizophrenia makes her think of. I cooked tonight as well and she kept singing with an imitation of a deep bass voice for men, and while I'm sorry for always feeling anxious when you'd sing, I'm more sorry on behalf of the universe for making things align that way -- I don't think I did anything wrong by hurting and needing time and sanctity to recover. You would have loved what I'd cooked, though -- spicy Mexican-style red and black beans with well-seasoned fajitas-style pork.

As for home life, as you can probably tell.. it's been bad. I'm afraid for my life and it's really hard to keep moving forward, but I will push through.

I can promise that I'm not going to start a relationship with anyone for a long time -- probably until 2020 or later, so after or during graduate school. I want to be sure that I am not too attached to you to healthily be with someone else -- I absolutely refuse to hurt somebody. I can't promise much else, though. At least it's a confidence boost.

Keep working hard. I expect straight A's from you again this semester. Stay safe and healthy, and keep working towards your long-term well-being.

The longer I’m with her the more I think about you

Another night of being afraid that I'll get killed. They come way more often now than in the past.

I don't know what to tell you and I don't know what to feel.

Everything hurts. Everything hurts bad.

Omg.. I know way too much and you would yourself if you knew what I knew. I find it amusing because I am so far away and you assume too stupid to be that clued in. Oh well.. Haha. Still no contact.. well over a year and half ( I think??????) even though I got calls, texts and emails to bait me.

Omg.. I know way too much and you would yourself if you knew what I knew. I find it amusing because I am so far away and you assume too stupid to be that clued in. Oh well.. Haha. Still no contact.. well over a year and half ( I think??????) even though I got calls, texts and emails to bait me.

i WISH TO GOD I'D DONE THIS for the last few months instead of bombarding my ex with desperate emails and texts..but heartbreak makes you crazy. Still, if you lose your self respect alongside the loss of the partner it's too much to bear. Not a good situation. Great idea - thank you :)

I'm not quite at the point where I can genuinely wish you well. I'm mostly competing against you now.

But anyways, good for you on being accepted to the doctorate program.

Wow, what a night. Not the worst night of all, but definitely one of the worst... I guess 10, of the last couple years.

Grandmother's got cuts and bruises, mother was throwing things at my grandmother, broken glass and broken dishes are all over the house, she pulled a knife out of the drawer while I was waiting for the cops and recording audio while washing dishes (to be present but non-threatening as possible. I didn't realize this, she was a couple feet from me. I coulda been stabbed.) She answers the door when the cops are there with a knife, starts threatening them, has to get tased. The floor has been burned the taser wire too.

I don't understand you, or why you broke up with me. I'm just kinda like, "well, screw me, right?"

Things will be okay for me some day. I always wanted to share what I was working towards with you for how much you were there for me. I don't think you deserve it anymore.

i miss you baby. i miss you so much.

I can understand both points of view on this subject. On the one hand, language should be watched because it's polite and respectful to those that don't use that sort of language. On the other hand, it does tone down your emotional release when you have to stop and think about what you're writing instead of just letting it all flow out while you're screaming it at your computer screen.

 

I think this forum self-censors some words. It censored out W-T-F until I put the dashes in-between letters

Lol.... After Monday, and Tuesday even the calendar says W-T-F! That's all I could think of when I read your post.

I miss you so much. I miss us. I dont know how to get out of this and how to push through, but I have to find a way. Everything feels to bleak and hopeless today. I had to stay home to work, my eyes and face were a mess this morning, still are. I have barely gotten out of bed, just trying to type away on the laptop and take ocassional calls for work. I know you know I saw your new FB account and the few girls you added. One of them, I recognize the name, from your past. I know you had a fling with her before me... hopefully only before me. Who knows. I dont know anymore. I guess it doesnt matter. Everytime I think I know you, I realize I dont, I never did, and that is one of the many reasons why we could never be again. I dont trust you. The sad thing is that you have no idea how much I trusted you before, it would have never ever crossed my mind that you would betray me. And I thought your hot temper would subside at some point with enough love and patience.

I get it, you are moving on. A lot better than I am obviously, but that is valid. It hurts. You said you would wait, that you would work on yourself and whatnot, and always love me. But not really, another proof if I ever needed one, that words mean nothing. Mostly for people who are naturally explosive and unpredicatble. FB truly is the devil, I dont even have a FB, I just went looking through it searching your name, and look what I found. I deserve it. I'll deactivate my fake account and see how I can change the password to something I cant remember. I used to have that account to log onto some websites that require FB, now I dont care, I dont even use them anymore.

I just wanted to vent a little, pour my heart out a little. So yes Im hurting a lot, I havent slept well in I dont know how long, I havent eaten or drunk water today, and I feel like Im back to square 1. But maybe not, maybe this little insignificant thing is what I needed to help me push forward just a little bit more, just a tiny bit stronger, even if today feels like the world is meaningless. Maybe. If only all the beautiful happy memories of what felt to me like true intimacy, not just physical, but emotional, deep level emotional, if only they could stop playing in my mind like an effinng movie. Everytime I close my eyes, I see you. Even if I sleep, dreams or nightmares, and I'll wake up crying or scared. I still wake up almost every morning thinking you are next to me, and then the realization has to come all over again. Some days are better than others. Most days are bad. Today is particularly painful.

Even though it hurts to think about it, I hope you dont contact me again for anything. Each time is a new little cut I make to myself, either in the form of some delussional fragment of hope of something that could never be given everything that has happened, or a reminder of everything that has happened and why it could never be. And yet, I still feel so weak that I believe that if you came saying and doing all the right things, I would take you back. But you cant come back doing and saying all the right things, simply because you dont truly regret anything or find fault in anything you've done, not really, not deep down. That is why last year my pain wasnt enough, and my willingness to forgive you wasnt enough. You actually took them as a license to cause more pain. I actually reinforced your behavior and told you with my forgiveness "all of that is perfectly fine, the betrayal and the emotional abuse, all fine". I thought it would bring us closer somehow, that we could rebuild stronger from there, but I was very wrong and did everything wrong. I dont regret our time together as a whole, but I do regret not having ended 7 months earlier.

We live and learn that's all. Live and learn. I hope this pain ends some time soon.

I am so tempted tonight to contact you both from anger and pain. And longing. Yes I still miss you in spite of what happened and what was said. But I didn't. Posting here then powering off phone and locking it up until tomorrow. I have been doing that so I don't contact even though I blocked number. And put away stamps so no temptation to mail anything. I loved you. So much. It was crazy to fall that fast and crazier still to overlook the red flags. But I did. And now I must clean up my own mess and dress my own self inflicted wounds. You have a very good side and a really, really mean side. Both are killing me tonight.

Really getting frustrating when you are driving behind me. Surely it cant happen as often as it does ? What the hell.

I dont get why it has to be this way. I lie. I do. I dont know why I was such a frigging idiot.

I want to contact you so bad.

Really getting frustrating when you are driving behind me. Surely it cant happen as often as it does ? What the hell.

 

I dont get why it has to be this way. I lie. I do. I dont know why I was such a frigging idiot.

 

I want to contact you so bad.

I was about to post from opposite side of this. Me and ex both live off one of the main roads here. Ended up behind her car today and it sucked. I turned off early from where I was headed, sat for a few, then drove on. Felt guilty even though both the university and medical district on same main road so it makes sense occasionally would end up bumping into each other. Really, really wanted to contact to explain that to her and nothing untoward meant at all. That was just excuse though as mainly just wanted to talk to her for a few to see if the nice side was there today. Hang in there. It's hard. I know for a fact it is so, so hard, but long run we will be better off having healed.

I was about to post from opposite side of this. Me and ex both live off one of the main roads here. Ended up behind her car today and it sucked. I turned off early from where I was headed, sat for a few, then drove on. Felt guilty even though both the university and medical district on same main road so it makes sense occasionally would end up bumping into each other. Really, really wanted to contact to explain that to her and nothing untoward meant at all. That was just excuse though as mainly just wanted to talk to her for a few to see if the nice side was there today. Hang in there. It's hard. I know for a fact it is so, so hard, but long run we will be better off having healed.

It really does suck. We work on the same base and probably seen/driven past/behind each other fifteen times in two months? I am really finding it hard to come to terms with this is where I find myself and where we have got to. She has made her decision and there is not a thing I can say to alter where we are. Just walk away and heal. I could write "If in the future our paths cross..." But know I will probably be berated for entertaining hope. Hope is something I want to let go of and simultaneously do not.

I even find myself overtaking cars to put distance between us and she follows, at speed. Its almost as though its a game yet we both dont know the rules? Am I trying to outrun her? Is she trying to say "Im still here and you cant shake me off?" - I dont have answers to questions that I realise should not matter but to me, they do.

I love you so much and I miss you terribly. I will always remember a kiss under the moonlight.

In the rare moments of clarity, I can see I idealized you. I idealized us and the relationship. It was truly good many times, but it was also bad. Many times. The good couldnt truly justify the bad. I can see that clearly. I am just afraid of facing life, really. Without you. Without all my dreams and hopes of a life together, or of a life not alone. I guess I feel you got me, when no one else would? But maybe not really as it turns out. I dont know,it just hurts, there is like an emptiness, like there is no purpose to anything? The mornings are the worst, every time and every day. I dont want to get up and face the day, and then strangely enough it does get better, sometimes, as the day goes on. Sometimes. The evenings are no better, unless Im truly tired. I miss us. And I dont at the same time. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either.

I 100% feel same way, loneliness can be crushing

You,

You messaged me last weekend. You hope I’m doing well and you thought of me. I didn’t reply. It’s not because I don’t care about you, because I do. I care about you deeply. And I miss you so much. But I know if I reply, it’ll only hurt me more.

You are still in love with her, your ex fiancée. It pains me to say it but there’s no room in your heart for me. Which hurts badly because I made room in my heart for you. You led me to believe you were ready. You weren’t. I really wish you had told me sooner... because, well...

I was falling in love with you.

Please, stop giving me false hope. No more breadcrumb texts about how you wish me well or didn’t mean to cause me any pain. Don’t tell me how much of an amazing woman you think I am. Don’t wish me all the happiness in the world. You did cause me pain, whether intentional or not. My heart is burning. My chest feels empty. You didn’t tell me you still loved her. It’s unfair to me that you keep holding on to something you don’t really want. Me.

I’ll never be her. I’ll never be the girl you were with for 9 years of your life and proposed to. We were starting our story from the beginning, from page one. But it never got past the first paragraph. I can’t be compared to her.

If you ever get over her and come running back to me... please, please, please... open up your heart. Don’t let her stay there forever. I will never be someone’s number two. I want you to want me. I want you to love me. I want to be loved.

Yours truly,

Me.

You feel so distant right now, 5 minutes, but 5 months away.

these are not the droids youre looking for[emoji112]

I am feeling better today. And I want to tell you that. But I'm not because it would not be answered or if it was it would be snarky or mean. I'm better than that. Knowing that is why I'm better. When I believe it fully I will truly be on the way to healing. Right now I still just want to cry.

I always treated you with love and kindness. I hope I always will. I feel myself getting angry and try to allow it but I will not allow myself to hate you. I knew what you were from the beginning but I thought we could help each other. I thought I could love you and make you better and I did. We were perfect because I needed to give and you needed...and needed and still need. I am not enough for you but I don't think anyone is right now. I wish I would have met you at a time when you still loved women and didn't hate us or yourself so much. However, we wouldn't have been the same people. Your damage is your appeal. You attract women that need to nourish something and love it back to health. I'm glad I never really revealed why I fell for you, every time I revealed a truth to you, it was used to hurt me. I can't believe how much you need to hurt people. As many times as I have seen people deliberately hurt another person, child or animal, I still have a hard time believing that people actually do it. I am the insane one. I guess I just can't relate to wanting to hurt someone. That is what I would ask you - Do you really not see the pain you cause? Did you really think I would be okay with you bringing other girls to hang out with us? Did you think it was okay because you asked me ahead of time? But really, did you not understand and really think that when I clearly stated my boundaries and this specific behavior was outside of what I would tolerate, that asking me would some how relieve you of the responsibility to breaking the boundary I set. I am feeling so spent, humiliated and completely disillusioned. I am a pathetic person. I think though that this is a lesson for me not to judge others for being suicidal or allowing abuse. Abuse isn't started out of the blue, it is a slow process and manipulators know that and I am beginning to believe you are a master Machiavellian. Or, you were just a guy out to have fun and I took it seriously and you were so kind you didn't know how to tell me the relationship was over so you kept doing things to break up. But, you always came back and acted like you really wanted the relationship. I don't know what you want- other than that I hang out with you and other girls. I understand now why your ex tried to kill herself. I bought into your tragedy and hated her for trying to do that "to you" and now, I completely understand, completely - Karmic.

You,

Did it mean anything to you? Did I mean anything to you? Or did you just say what you did to get what you wanted from me? Do you tell every woman they’re special, like you told me? Do you tell every woman you’re looking for true love when you’re not? Did you have real feelings for me? Or were you using me to attempt to get over her?

How could you allow me to get so close knowing you are in love with someone else? Did you ever think about how this would affect me? Do you know how much you hurt me? Do you care at all?

Lastly... do you miss me? Do you regret letting me get away?

Me.