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Thread: Wife left with children, but I can't hate her

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    Wife left with children, but I can't hate her

    Hello. I've been married to my wife for just three years and together for 6 altogether. We have two young daughters, 2 and 4 years of age. For the last 2 years we have been in constant arguments and bickering and I haven't been happy for the majority of this time. We sleep separately (me on the sofa) and she's been telling me she doesn't love me for about a year (she stopped wearing her ring at about the same time). Last week, I found out she was on dating sites and has been "sexting" various men (which she has never done before, not even with me). Last Sunday, she just left with out girls and moved into her mum's (they took the girls mattresses and put them on the living room floor there). She is now refusing me access to the girls saying I can't be trusted, but I have never done anything to hurt her or the girls. I'm now going through solicitors and potentially the courts to sort out access.
    The trouble is, I can't stop wallowing and thinking of her. I still love her and even though I've been so unhappy, I can't bare the thought of being alone on our flat, surrounded by all her bits. I'm totally cut up and feel so weak, I'm struggling to even muster the energy to fight for my girls. I've not eaten anything other than the odd yogurt since last Sunday and I can't snap out of this. I'm terrified of being alone and seeing her move on with her life. I know there's no chance of us getting back together, so I don't know what I can do. I've been denying the marriage was over for so many months (she has been asking me to leave since January) and now I'm just a complete mess! Getting Ready for a First Date

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What does she mean by you can't be trusted?

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    What does she mean by you can't be trusted?
    Because she thinks I'm going to take the girls and not bring them back (which I wouldn't do). There has been issues with us and yes, I've done some silly things (not cheated or anything like that) but nothing that I've done has shown I'm a danger to the girls or a bad parent! The things that have happened between us for her to not trust me might be for a divorce court, but certainly not for a child access case. I've been so unhappy over the last two years, but the thought of being alone terrifies me and hurts me so much. I'd rather be arguing with her all day (not Infront of the girls!)

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Legally she canít just take your kids and deny you access. Secure a lawyer and court date . She is the that has proved she canít be trusted.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm very sorry to hear this. Separation and acceptance that the marriage is over, not surprisingly, may be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in your life. Your kids deserve a father that's in good shape to play with and learn from. The longer you stay in this situation, in limbo, the worse it gets especially if there is no hope for reconciliation.

    She has already left the marriage. Speak to a counsellor on your own or find a good therapist. What helped me for a short while was group therapy but that's another story. You'll have to come to terms with what's going on and the sooner the better.

    I agree about speaking with a lawyer because you have kids together. When I was in the early stages of separation, all the places I thought I'd be able to find answers, did not have any answers. That darkness was all-encompassing and there was absolutely no way out but through it. Eventually you'll find the answers and start bridging new thoughts, new connections and in that journey, you'll also cross over into a new world and a new chapter of your life but there is a way out and that means being honest with yourself and your family that it's over.

    It's a long and horrible journey but you'll get there. It's time to start.

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    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I'm sorry... You said you've been denial about the marriage and you'd rather be arguing than alone.

    As much as this hurts and upset as you are, these feelings are actually not what is best for the children or for you.

    As impossible as it feels right now. You can and will get on with life. You have to. You just need some help. Legal counsel to start, as you've done. Next you need a therapist that can help you navigate these feelings and get you on a new path to your and your family's new normal.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you allowed to visit them at her mother's place or a neutral park nearby? Does she have a restraining order against you? You need to start acting like a model father and being reliable and accountable.
    Originally Posted by RJB
    The things that have happened between us for her to not trust me might be for a divorce court, but certainly not for a child access case.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Are you allowed to visit them at her mother's place or a neutral park nearby? Does she have a restraining order against you? You need to start acting like a model father and being reliable and accountable.
    I've been able to go round theirs twice just for an hour or so, but either her OR HER MUM has to be present. She keeps telling me that mother's get more rights and that I'll be lucky to ever see them again, maybe every other weekend for a couple of hours round theirs. I have spoken to my solicitor who has suggested we go for 50-50 access/custody, which is what I'm going to go for. I just don't know how I can cope living alone in our marital home, surrounded by memories (none recent though!) Of our marriage and our children. I've been a complete mess this past week

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    Originally Posted by RJB
    I've been able to go round theirs twice just for an hour or so, but either her OR HER MUM has to be present. She keeps telling me that mother's get more rights and that I'll be lucky to ever see them again, maybe every other weekend for a couple of hours round theirs. I have spoken to my solicitor who has suggested we go for 50-50 access/custody, which is what I'm going to go for. I just don't know how I can cope living alone in our marital home, surrounded by memories (none recent though!) Of our marriage and our children. I've been a complete mess this past week
    She is full of crap. What she has done is abducted the kids.

  11. #10
    Gold Member waffle's Avatar
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    Do not let your "love" for her cloud your judgment, which is a mistake many in your position make. You're going to have to put that aside and stick up for yourself. If you don't, I guarantee you no one else will.

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