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If the day should ever come that reconciliation is discussed, my sticking point is going to be communication that addresses the limits of our individual attachment styles. I cannot have a relationship with someone that can’t even communicate enough to maintain a connection. I can’t get involved with someone who is so extremely avoidant that she can’t generate the interest and effort required to have a meaningful relationship with an anxious attacher like myself. I can’t be with someone who’s unyielding avoidance kept my anxiety flared up to the max. I can’t be with someone that keeps a wall around herself, and only lets me in so far and only when she’s ready. I tried to accommodate your attachment needs by giving you all the time and space you wanted without complaint, and you made no effort to even acknowledge mine, which often would have been no more than a brief text asking how I am. And if you did acknowledge them, you labeled them as ‘neediness’ and ‘fear’ and ‘desperation’ when in reality they were only the efforts of someone working to maintain a relationship with you. We could have been steady and solid for the rest of our lives with the smallest of adjustments and a minimum of effort. But they were adjustments and efforts that required the cooperation of two people with a common goal, and we obviously never had that. Your effort was primarily directed at maintaining your own safe and secure little status quo, deep within the protection of your walls. If you can't love me enough to put in some equal effort then please find someone like yourself that doesn’t have a clue about your needs and doesn’t care, and isn’t interested in having you get involved with theirs. Please find someone with a wall around himself so high he can’t even see yours, because then you won’t have to be bothered with nuisances like effort and goals. I sound bitter because I am. You let me in far enough for long enough for me to fall completely in love with you, and now you’re given up and gone.

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If the day should ever come that reconciliation is discussed, my sticking point is going to be communication that addresses the limits of our individual attachment styles. I cannot have a relationship with someone that can’t even communicate enough to maintain a connection. I can’t get involved with someone who is so extremely avoidant that she can’t generate the interest and effort required to have a meaningful relationship with an anxious attacher like myself. I can’t be with someone who’s unyielding avoidance kept my anxiety flared up to the max. I can’t be with someone that keeps a wall around herself, and only lets me in so far and only when she’s ready. I tried to accommodate your attachment needs by giving you all the time and space you wanted without complaint, and you made no effort to even acknowledge mine, which often would have been no more than a brief text asking how I am. And if you did acknowledge them, you labeled them as ‘neediness’ and ‘fear’ and ‘desperation’ when in reality they were only the efforts of someone working to maintain a relationship with you. We could have been steady and solid for the rest of our lives with the smallest of adjustments and a minimum of effort. But they were adjustments and efforts that required the cooperation of two people with a common goal, and we obviously never had that. Your effort was primarily directed at maintaining your own safe and secure little status quo, deep within the protection of your walls. If you can't love me enough to put in some equal effort then please find someone like yourself that doesn’t have a clue about your needs and doesn’t care, and isn’t interested in having you get involved with theirs. Please find someone with a wall around himself so high he can’t even see yours, because then you won’t have to be bothered with nuisances like effort and goals. I sound bitter because I am. You let me in far enough for long enough for me to fall completely in love with you, and now you’re given up and gone.

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Ok can you please tell me why you are acting this way? I got to know you a fair bit now and know that you can answer properly if you want to. And even if I am not a priority anymore, please be kind enough to show some respect so that we can get this over with. You have stuff of mine and owe me money that I want back. Let me know when you have the time so we can deal with this as soon as possible.

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I pray you are doing well, darling. What a beautiful soul you are. You were like an angel sent to push me to the right direction. Now I feel I'm on the right track, but I'm still not who you need me to be. At the same time, you're not who I need you to be :-/ We are incompatible, I wish my heart could understand that. But I love you, darling.

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Hey I just wanted to say that even after us talking yesterday it still feels like we are doing a huge mistake by just giving up and not trying to make this work.

We both agreed what the problem is and should be able to deal with that instead of throwing everything we had out the window. I don't understand why there is no other way for us than this. I thought what we had was special and it deserves fighting for.

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Considering that we parted ways 14 months ago, I went to the bpd website today to see what you said about me. Funny thing is, as I expected, you had nothing but bad things to say about me. "I dont care if i never see her again" and "I dodged a bullet with her," among other things. But then tried to sleep with me-- like I didnt know what you said about me. Couldnt you look into my eyes and see how dead they were? There were no looks of gleaming love in my eyes. There was no emotion in them at all because I know your fake ass cannot be trusted. Period.

 

You've always been a fake, two faced individual. You talked about me like a dog to John, your daughters and anyone else that would listen. And that's why I stopped fu*king with you.

 

I got tired of the constant mind games, gaslighting and manipulation. Constant tests to try and break me, and the mental & emotional torture. It would hurt you more for me to remove myself from my life; after all, you NEED someone willing to stay and take the abuse. Removing myself meant that you cannot get your revenge on me, so the next woman will have to take it. Because you have to release ALL that anger and rage on SOMEBODY- but it damn sure wasnt going to be me anymore. Find someone else to torture and abuse. You like being the way that you are anyway.

 

I didnt trust or believe a word you said when you saw me 6 months ago. Trying to suck me back in your toxic vortex-- so that you could torture me some more or get revenge. I went through absolute hell with you. And it's not possible for me to get sexually turned on by a man that tells me to get the F away from him-- or that you dont give a F about me and never did-- that's where you messed up at. Why would I have sex with a creature that says that type of Bullshi*?? You lost your mind. Your sex is not good enough for you to treat women the way that you do. And it's not good enough for us to want to come back after we leave your hateful ass.

 

Now what if I'd been a dang fool and hooked up with you? I'd probably contact your trustee and let them know you working at MLGW and Security One. But then I'd be vindictive just like your old bitter ballhead ass. But I saw right through that fake nice bullshi* and kept it moving. Thank the Lord for allowing me to see you for what you really are.

 

I saw Pam at a dance competition. Shes a very beautiful black woman. Her hair is long and straight and comes down to her waistline. No weaves or wigs. Shes married too. She has the straightest white teeth and naturally long fingernails. Her phone number starts with 406. Yes we chatted about you and contrary to what you may think, she doesnt want you back. She didnt forward her mail from your house to her new address to ensure that you cant find her and kill her. I told her that you said you had a bullet with her name on it. Well she laughed and said she got one for your ass too. She really is a beautiful black woman like you said. And she has a good man that loves and protects her-- not torture her and busted her eardrum like you did to her. And you have the audacity to say you were good to her? Boy please. I had talked to her online on fb but seeking her in person was cool. Like she said, you brag about the women you "used" to have. But all of them got tired of your abusive ass and LEFT you. You can say all day that you were tired of her and me, but the TRUTH OF THE MATTER is, that you were gonna use us for sex for as long as you could. But that's where you had us fu**ed up at. At the end of the day, WE left YOU alone forever and it was no coming back with us.

 

Then you wonder why your exes dont have a kind word to say about you or why they never call, text, stop by your house or anything. We know how to find you if we really want to. So keep living in your fantasy world where you are perfect and always right. You gone die alone with a line of cocaine just like she said. And you can talk about me bad some more on that website- full of depressed narcissists like Romanticfool and Crywolf. Good riddance fuc*boy!!!

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I don’t understand why you look for trouble in the relationship. Why, when things are perfect, I get blindsided by some issue or insecurity. I feel like I will never be enough to make you happy. And since you haven’t contacted me, that you don’t care anyway. We go from perfect to broken up and not speaking in a matter of minutes.

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Hey E.

 

I was extremely shocked to see you add me. To say shocked would be an understatement. You wanting to video chat and our brief catch up made me really happy. I'm so glad you're doing so well these days. All those dreams of yours have all become reality. It's ironic the timing of it all but I'm really happy I got to talk to you. It still feels the same.

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I should’ve done it but I took a peek at your fb. We are posting the same stuff. Heartbroken memes, quotes. I just wonder if it’s me your missing or your ex husband. I always felt like I was just a stand in for him which really sucks because although we’ve got a totally messed up past you are the only one I’ve ever felt completely comftrable with. And here we are yet again

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You non communicating ass wipe. Im not chasing you anymore for validation your non emotional responses made me sick to my stomach. I didnt deserve communication let you tell it..you think you gods gift to women..boy i bet you didn't think i would cut your ass off like I said im not an emotional fool..chopped for the best

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I hope you're doing well. I don't wish you any ill will. Whatever is going on with you, I hope you figure it out. I truly wish the best for you.

I miss talking to you, but I'm not letting it get to me anymore. It's too bad you acted immaturely. We could've talked things out...like adults do! ( ¬_¬)

What you did was harsh and mean. You really hurt me. (੭ ˃̣̣̥ ﹏˂̣̣̥)੭ु I guess time really does mend things. (I knew that, but.....) I've been working really hard to move on.

 

Every once in a while, I think about things. I miss the times we hung out. I miss seeing you...hearing your voice. Certain things make me think of you. While it makes me sad, I try to look back fondly. I still wonder if I was a rebound. You said I wasn't, but it's hard to believe that. I feel like I was a rebound or temporary replacement.

You seem to have a lot of things you need to work through. I know I have my own things to deal with, as well. Let's work hard for the future.

 

As for me, I had an awesome birthday!!!!! It was so much fun!!!!

I got to hang out with someone new too! ( ̄︶ ̄)

I'm really doing great. ( ̄ー ̄)

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I wish I could speak to you but I know it’s not gonna help. I’m just feeling sorry for myself. I realise now that trying to forget about you by hooking up with other girls is just stupid. It’s just made me feel dirty and like a creep. It isn’t rewarding at all. Maybe it’s being so far from home that’s making me feel lonelier and so I’m seeking a physical closeness with whoever. Anyway, I guess you wouldn’t need to hear any of that. It’s just for all your faults I feel like you did make me a better person when I was around you. Even if it was just to counter your negativity. Maybe it made me forget my own?

 

It’s weird how we just don’t talk at all now. I mean before the break up we didn’t speak much any way because you were so busy but it’s weird how the connection cut so suddenly. I should be grateful to you for not contacting me but another pathetic part of me still finds myself hoping to get a message from you. No idea what I’d want you to say though.

 

I thought I’d be more mature by this point but I feel like I’m going off the rails a little here. I need to give my head a shake. I’m gonna lose friends on top of losing you. I dunno if the damage is already done or what.

 

I guess I just want to know if you’re okay. ... annnd I guess it’d be nice to know if you missed me. Although judging from how callously you could speak about your exes to me I doubt you’re in that bad of a shape. You never were the sentimental type.

 

Even though we didn’t live together, seeing you every couple of weeks was something to look forward to. Now I’m just coming home to an empty house and combating the loneliness by heading to the bar on the weekends. That poor bartender has to listen to my problems all the damn time in my less than perfect Japanese. Hey, it’s all practice though right? I owe what skill I do have in the language to you at the very least.

 

I’m rambling like hell. My thoughts are kind of disorganised now. Speaking to you would put things in perspective sometimes. Like I said, I think I’m just especially low because of how woman crazy I’ve been lately. I need to reel that in. Stop drinking so much. Ugh what a mess.

 

It was for the best we broke up. No doubt about that. But I do miss you.

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  • 2 weeks later...

It's been really therapeutic for me to vent on thia post for the last year and a half. This forum has served as a digital diary of sorts. And it had really helped me to get those unspoken things out of my spirit.

 

The downside to all of it is that it keeps me from moving forward and having a healthy new relationship. I have posted here when I was bored and between conquests- but I am too old for that foolishness now. I have too much too lose these days, which is why I rejected your attempts to reconcile. You are more trouble than what it's even worth. Read that last line again.

 

And a lot of your other exes agree with me on that. Because you have been dumped by countless women. Your body count is high as hell. These women dont want your ass. With everything you got, you STILL get dumped often. Why? Because despite your nice economic situation, you still arent worth 2 dead flies and they know it. Just like I know it. You think you're such an amazing person, so why doesnt anyone else see it?? Hahaha

 

A needy, clingy borderline cutting you off and going full no contact speaks VOLUMES. As a bpd, we tend to tolerate less than what we deserve --because of our self worth issues and desperation to be loved. Well I got tired of "crumbs" of affection, laced with criticisms, physical abuse and constant put downs. Besides, the crumbs NEVER taste good as the whole loaf, that's a fact. I want the whole damn loaf or I want none at all.

 

So for a "BORDERLINE" to realize that SHES BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU and that she can do "better"than you-- has to really crush that fragile ego of yours. I mean, after all, you have your county pension, city job, your locksmith business, all these boats and vehicles, and that nice ass house-- and yet, the "welfare " with a bunch of kids don't even want you. You really ARE a crappy individual if a borderline doesnt even want you. I mean damn, that's says a lot about you as a person.

 

What's crazy is, I spent 20 years with a broke, cheating, toothless, lying dog ass dude that could never keep a job and support me and our kids--- decades longer than I could tolerate YOU. It wasnt just the great sex either- he just wasnt as hateful, cruel, demonic and barbaric as you.

 

Looks like you lied about your ex Adrian, and you lied about many other things. I'm not even worried about it though: for all the gaslighting (my exes penis pic)lying and manipulating you did to me-- I did it to you a hundred times over. Some of which you'll never know about.

 

I triangulated you with Faulkner, with Ricardo, and my ex husband interchangeably-between the physical beatings you inflicted on me. I couldn't fight you back physically, but I passive aggressively got my revenge all while we were together, through these men. I didnt sleep with any of them except my ex husband, but you knew that and tolerated it because we "both" knew you were sleeping around too. I knew, I just didnt care.

 

So when you finally realized that I saw through your bullsh**, you became determined to destroy me and make me jealous. You named dropped "Angela" and the woman with the Mercedes trying to make me jealous- but I didnt care what you did or with who because, unknown to you, I already had one foot out the relationship. I was ready to get back to business as usual with my ex husband at that time. And you cannot make someone jealous that doesnt want you boo.

 

So when you really started torturing me mentally and leaving me alone for long periods of time, thinking that I would compete for you and chase you- I used that as an opportunity to exit stage left. When you came back around, I just wanted distance from you and your abuse. When you asked, "if you dont want me to call you anymore, just say it" I saw an exit and walked right through it. And that was that. I had my life back as it was before you came along.

 

So reaching out to my archenemy, and telling her what I said, could never hurt me i had been away from April for 3 years- and I didnt talk about her to anyone but you, back then when all that was going on and even this year. So when she started making contact, I knew that your hateful, baldhead, small d*** having ass was behind it. So I played cool and pretended to be okay with being "civil."

 

Because I know this vindictive female is dangerous, just like YOU are vindictive and dangerous. Make no mistakes, I'll never trust her again. She wont ever come to my house, or get close to me again. Just like you wont!! But I can speak in passing, a quick hello before disappearing. At least she can get that, you wont ever get a hello from me again. So keep living a lie. You gaslight people to hide from the truth. Who wants a man that lives in a fantasy world of his creation, where hes perfect and everyone else is not? You are all smoke and mirrors. An illusion. You wear different masks to use women for what you want, while offering nothing.

 

That all being said, my ex husband has a new woman and a new life. If he can find love, I know I can. Besides, you've enjoyed logging in here and reading what I've said about you. It makes you feel relevant and important, and that's the last thing I want to do. And it holds me back from healing and getting your hateful spirit out of my memory. For a much as I once loved you, I dont care if you live or die.

 

Trust and believe, I will never trust you again. You are an enemy, and April is one too, despite having her daughters baby shower on my birthday. (Yes she did that to prove her fake love to me, which i saw right through) and you can tell her that i said that too, while you're at it. I got a "second" pair of handcuffs waiting for her as soon as she gets out of line. And that second pair of handcuffs is easier to get, remember?

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  • 2 weeks later...

So I’ve been thinking a lot this hitch, the more I think about our last couple months, the more you remind me of my ex wife. Pouting when you didn’t get your way, telling me I had to change to suit you, judging me. I’d expect that from a 17-18 year old which was how old my ex was when we were together 20 years ago, not what I’d expect out if a 36 year old woman. Why not just accept me for who I am? Would it really be that hard? See here’s the thing, if you try to force me to stop hunting, stop working offshore, and just having a land job and coming home every night I’ll be miserable and in turn make you miserable. I’d also be broke. You say money ain’t everything, your right, it’s not. But we also have two kids, 1 that’s in college, 1 that’ll be a sophomore next year. So that puts us with 1 that’ll need a vehicle soon, and both in college at the same time. As well as us needing a house for the 4 of us, both of our vehicles are getting older, so yea a land job isn’t in the cards any time soon. Or at least not one where I could make a decent living anyway

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