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Thread: Post here instead of contacting your ex!

  1. #19401
    Why are you already with someone else... When you said you needed to.figure things out and I was the best thing you ever had.. why the hell do you think it's okay to mess with my feeling? Why the hell do you enjoy treating me like your dishcloth... You couldnt boss anyone around, so instead... I was the one you could boss around. I was a nice guy and now I feel dead and like a .

  2. #19402
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2018
    I always wonder if you're trying to get in contact with me whenever you're around the corners.

    If you are, then just e-mail me or something.

    You only have a few months left before my life changes in such permanent ways and I sever what little ties you can even access me with.

    Speak now or forever hold your peace.

  3. #19403
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    I know you saw me the other night when I was dropping my ex husband off. I know you saw us because you slowed all the way down to like 40 mph, so as to not catch up to us. It ticked me because for one, I wasnt even driving my car and you clearly recognized me from having the light on inside that car. Second, the more I slowed down, the more you slowed down.

    You gave me a reaction that I wasnt even trying to get. Because believe me, you could pull up beside me with a woman in your car and it wouldn't affect me one way or another. I'm not speeding up, slowing down, trying to get your attention or anything- I'm going about my way as if I didnt even see you. Because that's what I do now.

    My ex husband saw you when we were passing you anyway because I told him that was you. He just laughed because he knew that you were just another dumped side dude of the many that I had back when we were stil together.
    But thank you for slowing all the way down and letting me know that you saw us. I know it still must hurt to see me with the man that I was with before you came along, and while we were together. We recently split and I was dropping him at his girlfriend's house that night. That's how amicable our break up was.

    My ex husband was my backup all while we together anyway so cutting you off and going on was easy. I got out of the way so you could focus on the new victim in your life.

    Because any woman you date is a victim boo. You gone beat that ass, you will never compliment or build her up. You will criticize her and beat down her self esteem so that she wont leave. But they ALWAYS leave- you know deep down you're a cocaine snorting woman beater. You been beating, abusing and breaking women for 50 years. Just another abuser is what you are.

    Please understand that this was just an observation. I know it hurts your fragile ego to see me with another man, especially after I shot down your attempts to reconnect one year ago. Remember that you wanted it this way. You are the one that told me to get the F away from you and get out of your personal space. All I did was exactly what you told me to do- and I've held you to it ever since.

    Because you dont tell me to get the F away, then turn around and ask me for sex. Youre not going to tell me to go away, then ask me to come back to serve your sexual needs. I played with you, but you damn sure wasnt going to play with me. You'll miss my sex before I miss yours, considering that it wasnt good anyway. You never did anything I wanted or needed sexually because it was all about you. Everything was always about you.

    You had it made when I was around, because you could get back door action from me and anything else you wanted sexually. We both were sleeping with other people, and I didnt care what you did and you didnt care what I did. You didnt have to wine and dine me, or even do anything for me. I didnt do pop ups at your house and ruin what you had going with other women while we were together. I didnt even demand respect and tolerated the beatings you inflicted, you putting down my kids, and a lot more abuse. And I still gave you sex, unprotected at that. What man in his right mind would fu*k that type of arrangement up? You would.

    You made the mistake of thinking that another woman would give you a similar arrangement. I CAN be replaced, but there is only one Shan. I'm batsh*t crazy at times, moody as hell, and I've been disloyal in my past life. But I'm also highly Intelligent, educated, hard working, very intense emotionally and sexually. Im responsible and now I am a one man woman. I bought my Infiniti truck cash, along with my car. I'm putting my mini me through college and I'm a a great mother. I'm a high functioning borderline- and after being loved by one, admired by one, worshipped by one, and having intense sex with one- you'll never be the same again. The women you date afterward will be boring compared to us. I'm unapologetically ME. And one thing you'll never forget is, that you were very special and beloved to me. I loved you with a reckless abandon. I love very hard, deeply and intensely.

    You told me that 1(I'm not your priority 2)my autistic son is retarded 3)get the F away from you and get out of your personal space 4)you didnt give a F about me and never did

    And those the reasons why^^^^^ I declined your offer of reconnecting back in March of 2019. Why would I want to go back to a man that said such hurtful things about me and my child? It was very difficult for me to break away from you once and for all. I had to pray to God to let go of you.

    There is a man that I have an extremely huge crush on at my place of worship. I have been observing him and studying him for at least the last 8 months. He is a religious man that doesnt believe in sex before marriage. He is 53 years old, divorced, and he isnt even the best looking guy in the congregation. But when he speaks from the platform and gives his talks, he makes love to my mind. When he hugs me after the service is over, his cologne along with his tight embrace makes my legs weak. The way that he holds the bible for his elderly mother shows me how gentle and respectful he is. The way that he treats his 5 sisters is commendable.

    But as I learned from you Kenneth, men can act one way in public and abuse under a cloak of secrecy behind doors. So as I continue to learn to be alone for the first time since I was 16, I also pray about this man. God knows his heart, his innermost emotions and motives- the Lord knows the things about him that nobody else can see. And as i continue to heal from all the abusive relationships of my past, i also pray that he continues to give me the gift of discernment. That gift of discernment tells me to never trust you again. It's a god given gift and I use it wisely. You dont even like me. Why would I ever bother you again anyway???

    You gave me a response and some attention that I wasnt even seeking from you. Thank you for letting me know that I still matter to you. If only you had shown me that when we were together. Then we would probably still be together right now. Peace
    Last edited by smJackson; 03-19-2020 at 11:25 AM.

  4. #19404

    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Hey, I know that we just started talking and as much as it felt good chatting with you again. I am really hurt to know that you have this new-found friend that you can talk to anything. (your words not mine) while I am left out healing my own heart. I know this is your way of getting even and it hurts like a b%&^$.

    For now, I will back off and see where things go. I canít keep pushing our reconciliation with you especially I know that youíre not ready yet. I can only handle so much disappointment and heartache. You take care.


  6. #19405

    Join Date
    Mar 2020

    Letter 1

    Dear N*

    I guess this is my way of talking to you without talking to you. It was recommended that I write, because it helps with the emotions. So here i am.
    I miss you. More than anything. I miss you. I miss everything. Your face, your smell, your hugs, your laugh, your kisses, your warmth, your smile. I wish I could be in your arms. My home. My favourite place. I love you. You broke my heart but I still love you. I always will. Always. You're my best friend. You're my soulmate. I sit here, wondering what you've been up to. What are you doing. What are you thinking. How are you. Are you ok. Are you happier. Do you still think of me? I'm scared you may have forgotten about us already.
    I dream about you every night. They're mostly nightmares. Ones of you leaving, and I'm running. Always running. Trying to get to you as fast as I can before you disappear and gone forever. Then I wake up in an absolute panic, crying. But it's not a dream, because it's real. You are gone.
    Last night, I dreamt you were sitting in a restaurant we went to, and I walked past and saw you through the window, and you looked like as if you were waiting. Waiting for me. And I ran in, and you looked up at me and we ran to each other and hugged. It felt so real. I felt like you were really there. I woke up, crying again. Because that it wasn't real.
    I haven't slept in my room for three weeks, since the night you left me. I've been sleeping with my mom. I've kicked my dad to the guest room! Because my bedroom reminds me of you. Its where you slept, you've touched everything. All the memories, the magic. where we kissed, made love, talked and watched tv. I can't bear to be in that room. It reminds me too much of what was. I spent the first week hugging your tshirt. But it was bringing me too much pain.
    I've done a lot of self reflection during this time apart. A lot. Reflected on me, on you, on our relationship. What I did wrong. What can I improve.
    I'm sorry N*
    I'm sorry you were screaming to be heard and I was too selfish to hear. I didn't realise the impact our arguing had on your mental health, I didn't realise i was being absolutely ridiculous over such small things. Picking arguments over things that didn't even require it. So stupid. I put you under so much stress. I made you so upset. i ed up a lot. I wish I could take it back. I wish I didn't act on my emotions. I wish I went to other people too, instead of relying on you. I was too dependent on you for my own happiness. I made you my whole world, and because of that you suffered, we suffered. I needed you, too much. I should have shared my happiness. I should have spread it out. I should have made it so that you added to my happiness, not the reason for it. I know that now - although it may be too late now. I'm learning now though. I always try to learn from my mistakes.
    After you left me, I reconnected with people i knew from long ago, I've made some new friends (all be it online, but new friends!), I spend time with every single member of my family, to help drown out this sadness, but I am filling my time. I am cooking, learning anyways. I am reading, new books, self care books, motivational books - you name it. I am back to going to therapy weekly. I've drowned myself in work. Working hard. I've gone off social media, no snapchat and no instagram, to be alone with my thoughts, to find myself, to be present and learn to be alone. Slowly but surely, trying to find myself back again. Finding new hobbies, and bringing back old hobbies. I used to have a passion for fashion, and I'm rediscovering it.
    It should have been something that I kept doing whilst we were together. I don't know what happened there...
    I'm disappointed. In myself. I wish I had sorted out my mental health before I had met you, then it wouldn't have led us here. Or I wish I got off my ass and sorted it out in a healthier way when we were together. I guess i got complacent, thinking it'd just go away on its own. But thats proven to be wrong. ...Man, I was wrong for the most of it.
    My trust issues - I take full responsibility for. I should have trusted you when you told me to. I should have listened. I have trust issues. I know that for a fact. I was insecure. Scared I wasn't good enough, scared I'd lose you for someone better. You told me I was good enough, but I didn't believe it. Because I didn't believe in myself. But I'm getting there. I'm disappointed in myself because I failed. I failed you, I failed myself. I failed us. I let this get in between us. It took losing you to realise it. Funny that. It never should have gotten to this point, but it did. Maybe things happen for a reason ey? Maybe life needed to slap my stubborn self in the ass. It's a huge lesson. A lesson I'll carry with me always. I now know, to love myself. Enough so that if anyone leaves me, it's ok because i have will and can pick myself up. I know to keep my hobbies, and some things in my life separate. So that we can be independent people that come together for good times.
    I don't want to be that S* anymore. She isn't who I really am. The real me, she was sarcastic, almost to the point where she was mean. She loved fashion, music, skateboarding, dancing in her room when no ones watching. She loved watching Netflix, going out to eat, laughing, doing new and trying new things. She was strong, furiously opinionated, to the point where she didn't give a , what anyone thought. She was adventurous, with so many ambitions. She wants to travel the world, make money and build an empire. She loves learning. A total geek. And I'm slowly going to get her back. As for us? Of course I have hope for us, can you blame me? I still want us. I still want you. Flaws and all. I still want you. For now, I can accept you want space and time. To figure yourself out, to find your freedom, to do things you enjoy. To find you. I respect and love you so I can give and do that for you, as much as it hurts me to see you there but I can't reach out to you. It ing hurts. Because I miss you.
    I want to bury our old relationship. The bad part of it especially. I accept it's over now. It's dead and gone. But I hope for a new one. A fresh one. With more and many of the good times, and much less of the bad times. An improved and new me. An improved and new you.
    I'm a real meanie to people, but a huge softie for you. You broke down a lot of my walls, the walls i built to keep people out because I was scared to get hurt. I was scared to feel pain. So I shut people out. I refused to talk about my pain before, I didn't think anyone would understand, and a little part of me didn't want them to understand. Because it's sacred to me that I hide my weakness, so it can never be used against me.
    But you know what, i embrace this pain. Because of this pain, theres room for growth. The more I experience the pain, time and time again, I realised it was me who picked myself up. It was me who helped myself. It was me. And I'm stronger than I thought.
    I have a huge soft spot for you, that's why I don't have a lot of pride, or ego when it comes to us and why i am for the first time so able to speak my mind, my thoughts and feelings and put it into words. I am able accept all my faults and accept all my mistakes.
    Words are no good though, only actions are. So I won't talk about how well I am going to do, thats for everyone to see. Thats for you to see.
    I love us. Our connection. Meeting you in mile end station, our first hug. Our first date. Playing Jenga, eating Wasabi. Teasing each other. Cosey/Cosy Cinema. Holding hands for the first time and it feeling so right. Leaning on your arm. Sitting and talking, for hours and hours, never running out of things to talk about. Talking every day, texting, calling every night. Kissing, and always kissing. Can't get enough of each other. Sneaking you into my house, running upstairs to kiss. Like young crazy kids in love. Sitting on your lap, grinding and hearing you say "dead rabbits dead rabbits". Laughing, always always laughing. The kiss in the kitchen, oh god that kiss. When I was going to leave, and you pulled me back, closed the door and kissed me so hard.
Wanting to see each other, counting down the days, the minutes. Making love for the first time. The moment you opened that hotel door. The first kiss after ages, my heart wanted to burst. You inside me. Felt like my missing puzzle piece. Making love - oh god the making love. Every day, all the time. Getting your first car. Our drives. Driving in the day, driving in the night. Blasting music with you singing terribly. Me laughing. Harrow Viewpoint. Staring at the lights and the stars with you by my side. Valentines day. Woburn Safari. Our long road trip, you surprising me, keeping it a secret. Feeding alpacas. Studying together, sitting side by side. Supporting and motivating each other. You pushing me, me pushing you. Looking for jobs, to getting a job. Wiping each others tears. Frustrated at each other, frustrated with life, frustrated with things. Topgolf, swinging as hard as we can to vent our anger. Cheering when we score points. My 23rd birthday. You bringing a cake, we sat in the car, blew the candles. You singing Happy Birthday. I never knew I could love you more than I did, but I did. More and more each day. Our dates, trying new places, voting on them. Watching movies together, football. You teaching me cricket, football. Messing up the kitchen trying to be master chefs. Learning recipes together. When you started FDM. Cooking for you, greeting you when you came home. Waking up to you. Sleeping next to you. Hearing your soft snores. Feeling your sleepy arm wrap around me. Kissing you softly in the middle of the night. Murmuring I love yous and good mornings. Brushing our teeth together. Changing together. You kissing my shoulder. You kissing my feet. Making love every night. you kissing my body, every inch. You teasing me, to the point where iíd get annoyed but i loved it so much. The first time we argued. We couldnít even sleep. The next day I came over, and we kissed and made up. We never wanted to feel like that ever again. Feeding each other food, fighting over the last piece. We both secretly wanted it but wanted to give it to each other instead. Making love everywhere. Living room, Stairs to the shower. Our showers, oh god how I miss them. Cleaning each other. Washing each others hair. Learning a new language together. Playing chess together. Talking on the phone every night, asking each other about our day. Watching you play football, cheering you on. Always proud of you watching you do things. Making milkshakes. Drinking Falooda. Eating brownies and cookie dough. Make up sex, I canít get enough of you sex, tired sleepy sex. Express sex. Angry sex. Shut up and kiss me sex. I mis you sex. All of them. Feeling your skin against mine. Sweat dripping. Your breath. Moaning. I love Yous and You feel so good. All the queefs, your farts. Reading bed time stories. sending memes every day. Lying in bed and just enjoying each others silence. Playing with your hair, scratching your beard. Arguing, bickering. Two stubborn headed opinionated lovers. Your forehead kisses. Tickling you. Hearing you laugh so hard. Running around the house tickling. Hugging you from behind. Opening up to each other. Talking about our deepest secrets, our fears. Being so vulnerable. But feeling so safe to express them at the same time. Complaining about people to each other. Being each other's cheer leader. You're my einstein. I'm your marie curie. You being my teacher, me being yours.
    Being each other's bestest friend. My confidant. The only person I can speak my mind to without fearing any judgement.
    Falling asleep to the sound of each others breathing.
    I have loved everything. The highs. The lows. The good. The bad. Though, I wish there was less bad. Never have I fallen in love like this, and I doubt I'd find a love like this again.
    I don't know where life will take us from here. I have accepted that old relationship is over. Though I have hope for a positive future for us. I like to think, we are that couple that just needed a break up to realise what we had. To appreciate what we lost. Then come back stronger. As two new people and build a new relationship, different to the old one with new lessons learnt. One where we can feel free. One where we don't feel anxious. No insecurities. Only strength.
    But, that is for you to decide. Ultimately, it has to be whether you want us or not. Are we worth fighting for or not. Are you able to take the bad with the good. Do you have enough strength in you to be with me. Are the good things worth the bad things. Are we worth another shot?
    That is your decision and you can take however long you wish to decide. As much space and time is necessary. I won't rush you. Love is patience and love is kind. Whilst I work on myself, I'll also be waiting. I don't want anybody else. My heart belongs to you. But if your heart belongs somewhere else, thats okay too. And if you don't choose me. That is okay too. I can let you go. I will let you go. I just hope you come back to me in the end.

    "If you love something, set it free. if it comes back, it was and always will be yours. if it never returns, it was never yours to begin with,"

    I love you N* with all my heart.
    Forever, and always. Infinity and beyond.
    You are the love of my life.

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