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Thread: ..to whom it may concern...

  1. #1
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    ..to whom it may concern...

    I started thinking about going to see a therapist.
    Pay someone just to listen to me talk. The more I thought about it, the more I realized just how much talking I would have to do.
    Just to get them up to speed, I would have to go back and tell the story of the last 15 yrs. of my life (more or less).

    So many things have happened to me, around me, because of me, in those years. And I know without a doubt, each piece has led me to where I am today.
    So I have decided that, before I make that leap into therapy, I need to write out my story, as best I can. There are some parts of which I have little to no recollection. And other parts which I seem to relive an a daily basis.

    I will attempt to keep things in chronological order, at times copying directly from old journals I have found. Sometimes I will write new reflections on past experiences.
    Hopefully, this process will lead me closer to answers I must find for myself.
    Hopefully, I can find myself again.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    So ... all the basic stuff.
    born - grow up, blah, blah, blah.
    Was always the quiet, shy one when I was little. Probably because I didn't really speak english til I was about 7 years old.
    And back then, that made you the odd man out.
    I think about what kids have now, the bilingual kids, with aides, and special programs, etc.
    Back then, there was not one single person in the entire school that spoke spanish. Amazing.

    Jump forward...
    1st marriage - 1st divorce. fairly amicable. no major upsets. one child from this union. Share custody and everything else. always made sure that she was first on both our lists. all major decisions were made together. And that seems to have worked quite well. She is now 18, very smart and strong inside. Very proud of whom she has become.
    After 1st marriage, went out on my own for the 1st time in my life. It was wonderful. my clarity grew. I felt good about myself. I had everything going for me.
    great job, house, kid, etc.
    just no one to share it with.
    which was okay, because I had my friends. and they stuck by me, and I to them.
    I would date, even had one somewhat serious relationship(more on that later). I enjoyed my life, my new found freedom.
    Then - I met husband#2 - let's call him Ricky.
    Ricky was argentinian. one of 7 children. Parents both very religious (maniacally so). And Ricky was 15 years younger than me! in other words, when we got married, I was 39, he was 24 !
    I think there is a part of every womans brain that wants so much to be seen as attractive.
    and when younger men fall for you, well you don't think twice. At least I didn't - Big Mistake!

  3. #3
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    The Story of Ricky

    As I said before, Ricky was Argentinian. Which to me was very cool, cuz he spoke Spanish like I do. First boyfriend ever that could talk to my folks.
    He was very cute, green eyes, blonde hair. nice body, well you get the picture.
    I met him at work, at an end of year party. When we met, I never imagined that we would end up together.
    We dated for about a year. Then we got married, cuz he said he had to because of his faith. He didn't feel right being with me in sin.
    Now, during that year we dated, there were many clues as to what was coming. I was just too blind to see any of it. Til it was way too late.
    In the year we dated, I had lent him money to fix his car. rebuilt old mustang. A few dollars at first. Which somehow grew into about $3,000.00! needed a new engine, etc. But I was blind, and more than willing to help out.
    While we were dating, he disappeared for 3 days. When he came back, I asked him where he was. He became furious. He said, "if you have no trust in me, why the hell should I stick around here!" And with that, he left again. This time for 10 days. (Oh, I didn't mention that it was Christmas!).
    Now, I may be naive, but I am not an idiot! Anyone that reacts so severely to a very simple question has something he is hiding!
    So I waited for him to reappear(which he did, of course). He said that he had thought about it, and he forgave me! can you imagine? Then he said that he already had made plans for the evening, but he would see me later.
    What plans? - I asked.
    He said he was going with his sister to her office christmas party.
    Ok, by now, it is January 5 or 6. Christmas parties are over!
    He decided to go take a nap before he went out that night.
    Andas soon as he was asleep, I grabbed his cell phone.
    I scrolled through to find who he had been talking to the past few days.
    None of the numbers seemed familiar. But there was one number that he had dialed way more often than any other.
    So I called it.
    A girl answere the phone. I asked her name . She said "melissa". Gee - wasn't that the name of his ex girlfriend?!?
    "hi, melissa', I said. " this is Kali, rickys' girlfriend? He asked me to call and tell you that he would be a little late tonight."
    "His what?? " Melissa screamed into the phone. "Thats impossible! I'm his girlfriend!" Oh boy...
    I stayed very calm, and explained that he and I had been living together for a couple months now. She asked for my address, which I happily gave her. She said she would be coming by to "talk".
    I hung up the phone, and went to tell Ricky he would be having company in a few minutes. When I told him who, he freaked! His eyes got huge! "you don't know what you've done! She will rip this place apart!" And with that, he grabbed his shoes and went running for the front door.
    She arrived just as he was getting into his car. She went running at the car, hitting at it with a baseball bat! As he drove off, she jumped back into her car (her sister was driving), and they took off on a wild car chase all around my neighborhood!

  4. #4
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    so... while this death match is going on, I'm simply sitting on the porch, watching and shaking my head in disbelief.

    My phone rings...guess who?

    He says" I think I lost her. She is probably heading back to your house." great!
    Sure enough, she's back in front of the house not 5 minutes later. Asking me all kinds of quetions: "How long have you guys been together? Where do you think he went?" etc...
    Somehow I managed to stay eerily calm. I said nothing of any value, told her & her sis that I was leaving & to please leave as well.
    Which they did.

    Now, at this point you would think I had brains enough to get away from him as quickly as possible...Noooo!
    I went to meet him at his friends house. spent the rest of the evening talking about what had happened. He came totally clean with me. Confessed to all the lies he had told me. All the deception. Even told me that every single one of his friends knew, which made me realize what a fool I must have looked like to them!
    Rage grew inside me. which should have had me get up and walk away.
    wrong again!
    for some odd reason, I stayed in the relationship.
    As you can probably guess, things just got worse and worse.
    He slowly alienated me from all my friends (I mean ALL of them). He continued to borrow money. He got laid off from work, and decided to dedicate hours every day to Playstation. And have all his friends over every day to play with him. I would get home from work to find him & his buddies laying around the living room- probably high- surrounded by empty potato chip bags and such.
    My house, which had once been something I was very proud of, had turned into a videogame wasteland.
    but I kept on - I think a part of me did not want to admit that I had made the wrong decision.
    As time went on, I found out about a lot of secrets. Secrets that involved him and his "christian" family...

    both his older brothers had been involved in some sort of gay sex scandal with members of their church.

    His older sisters 1st husband had been sent to jail for raping a minor (the minor being his younger sister - who was 10 when this was happening!)What wasn't mentioned was that it had been the child that seduced the brother-in law - not the other way around!
    Oldest sis - call her karin- had since been married 4 more times over the course of 6 years.
    older sis also used to fondle (etc) ricky when he was younger.
    Older brother ,who was a fireman, had had no less that 41 affairs during the course of his marriage. Most of them being women he had helped or rescued on the job.
    Are you getting a picture of how twisted the entire family was?
    And then there were mom & dad... so religious that they did not allow their kids to celebrate halloween (the devils holiday!). But the biggest hypocrites I had ever met! Always seemed to be the first to judge anybody.
    And all that illicit sex going on right under their noses! they chose to be clueless. I don't know. It was just sick.

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    Anyway...
    even with all the red flags all around me - I still end up marrying Ricky.
    Why? I think mostly because I was naive.
    I have a theory... in this life people are basically divided into two groups. ither you are a giver, or you are a taker.
    Givers will do anything for you. Takers suck every last drop of life out of you.
    Of course, there are ranges within each of these types.
    But I am a giver on the far end of the scale. He was a taker at the complete opposite end.
    And I had never been around someone like him. Someone that would manipulate any and every situation to their advantage. Like his first thoughts are alway "whats in it for me?"
    (I remember one day, he had just come home from going to "church" with his family. And he was so excited!
    He says to me "See, prayer does work!" I asked what he was talking about.
    " Well, the preacher was talking about the bible and where it says ..'ask and you shall receive'. So I figured I would try it out. I prayed for a new stereo for my car! And when I left the church, a friend told me about a bunch of car stereos he had come accross, and asked if I wanted one!"
    there was no doubt in my mind that they had been stolen! But when I mentioned that he said "Thats not the point! the point is that I asked for something, so God gave it to me!"
    AAAAGH!!)

    oh yeah - givers and takers...
    the worst thing is when an extreme giver ends up with an extreme taker. This is where the abusive relationships come from.
    I tried to do right by him. and somehow it was never enough. I ended up practically afraid of my own shadow. He never hit me. but it was the verbal and emotional abuse that left me scarred. He would scream and yell at me,tell me to get out because he was going to smash everything in the house. And the second I would try to leave, he would block the door so I couldn't get out (he was a big guy!). I remember one day hiding under my desk and frantically trying to contact one of his friends to come get him, I was sure I would die that day! He knew how to scare me into submission.
    When I finally got out of that relationship, I was an absolute mess. He had mentally beat me to within an inch of sanity!
    He had put hidden cameras all over the house. The first time I found them, I confronted him and of course he said "never again"
    that lasted maybe 6 weeks.
    He finally ruined my credit, spent all my money and charged all my credit cards to their limits. I ended up having to file for bankruptcy, and sell my house. Remember, most of the 4 years we were together, I worked and he did not.

    At the very end of it all he even stole my wedding ring (which I had paid for), and pawned it to get the cash. That was just before I filed the restraining orders and had him physically removed from the house.

    Okay, so now Ricky is gone. I still get a bit fearful that one day he will show up on my porch. But that fear has lessened as the years have passed.

    What I am left with is a shell of myself. I have become untrusting, and very skeptical of everything. I'm afraid of allowing anyone to get too close. I used to be such an optimist. Very easy going. I miss that part of me.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    a word about spousal abuse...

    This is something that I am still amazed by.
    After all the years of emotional and mental abuse I endured with Ricky, he still had me convinced that I was the one with problems. That I was the one doing "wrong".
    Until one day - I had agreed to see a marriage counselor with him - to seek help.
    I had booked a two hour session with this lady - he, of course did not show up until the last 15 minutes.
    So basically, I caught her up to speed on the situation as best I could.
    But while I was waiting for the session to begin, I came accross a brochure in the waiting room. It was something called "the violence wheel". Suddenly, all I had been going through, all the pain and the confusion which had become my life now had a name! that was the first time I realized that I had been a victim of spousal abuse! I could literally see the light bulb turn on! He had used almost every single thing on the chart against me!
    (here is a link to the violence wheel):
    link removed

    That was the one thing that made me realize that I had to get out of there asap!
    Wanted to share that in case anyone reading might need the help I needed.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    During the time I was married to Ricky, another major, devastating event occurred.
    My father passed away.
    Everything still is so clear in my head; I would swear that it all happened just a few days ago.

    I had spoken to my father on the phone a few times that day. He had been working on a family recipe book, something that held immense passion for him. The book contained not only recipes from our homeland (Cuba), but stories and photographs of many generations past.
    Being the creative one, I had been given the task of designing the layout, pages, and cover for the book. I had finally completed these tasks and was going to his home to show him the final proofs. He lived only a mile away. When we talked on the phone, he had complained of pains. Advil did not help. So I told him I would bring along some pain meds I had at home.
    Before I did that, I had to pick up my 12 yr. old daughter from her church group. When I got to the church, she told me that she was hungry, so we went to a
    drive-thru to get her something to eat.
    For some reason, the drive thru seemed to take an incredibly long time. I had a feeling of urgency, that I needed to get to my dad’s ASAP.
    When we finally arrived, I saw that he had left the kitchen door unlocked for us- this was his normal routine.
    But as soon as I walked into the kitchen, I knew something was wrong. I called out his name, and he did not answer. I told my daughter to wait in the kitchen and quickly made my way through the house.
    I found him collapsed in the bathroom.

    He was still breathing, but it was very labored. His eyes were closed. He was on his back.
    I quickly called 911 - had my daughter sit on the front porch to wait for them.
    And then I froze. I sat by the phone, waiting for paramedics to arrive, trying desperately to recall my sister’s phone number. But I couldn’t remember. I was afraid to go back into the bathroom. My father was the most wonderful person I had ever known. Life without him - it was unfathomable.

    After what seemed an eternity, I finally saw the red, flashing lights of the paramedics through the window. I directed them to the bathroom where he still laid.
    The first paramedic came back to me and asked “How long ago did he stop breathing?”. He then started CPR on my dad. They continued CPR all the way to the hospital, but never revived him.
    To this day, I blame myself for his death. See, I’m a teacher. By law, I have to take CPR courses every couple years. If I had gone back into the bathroom, and started CPR on my own, he might still be with us. But fear paralyzed me. And that paralysis allowed him to die. Which is the thing I feared more than anything.
    I miss him terribly. I feel as if I let him down. I have no one to blame but myself.
    Some days are better. Some are worse. But just thinking of him always brings the tears - always.
    And it’s been six years.
    I miss him terribly.

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    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    So. dad's gone. And I am still struggling with all of that. but there is more top this as well.
    See, mom and dad divorced when I was in my 30's. Very nasty divorce. well, mom was very nasty about everything. She told all her family that the reason for the divorce was that dad turns out to be gay! can you believe that? And her family, being who they are, swallowed every word.
    So, needless to say, lots of tension there.
    But even that is beside the point.

    This is the part that's important...
    Two weeks before dad passed away, my mom's sister died (on my mom's birthday). And a few days after her funeral was when I found dad collapsed in his house. And then, just to make things even more exciting, a few days after Dad's funeral, Mom suffers a massive stroke. The kind there is no full recovery from.
    Doctor showed me the cathscan pics. Pointed out all the parts of her brain that had been affected. Which was pretty much the entire left side.
    So, my sis and I put her in a rehab hospital for about 6 weeks. They were able to get her semi- ambulatory, and she started speaking a little again.
    and from that point forward, it was all downhill.
    For the past six years, we have been watching her die a very slow, very painful death. No one should be made to suffer as she did. We kept her at home, hired two nurses to take care of her 24/7. The last year she could not speak, walk, had no recognition of anyone or anything (including her home). She contracted a disease which turns your skin into thin paper, so anything that touched her caused severe bruises, or her skin would just peel off like onion skin.
    She finally passed away in November. I truly hope she is at peace.

    See, from the moment Dad passed away, we were thrust into another crisis. and it wasn't 'til mom was gone that we truly were able to grieve either of them.
    But then another issue crawled up out of the muck.
    All the while mom had been ill, my sister, without my knowledge, had made herself power of attorney over all of moms stuff. She decided that she had the right to do as she pleased with it all. So, she refinanced Mom's house.
    I would have understood if she had done it once, to cover mom's expenses, etc.
    But she ended up refinancing the property 3 times. And where there used to be no mortgage, there is now a mortgage of over $600,000!
    She claims that it was all for my mothers care. But I came accross papers showing that she bought herself 5 or 6 properties during that time. Even found copies of the escrow papers, showing the check from the refi going directly to the purchase.
    I confronted my sister with all of this. She confessed to a little of it, but not all. And now,with the economy as it is, she is trying to dump these properties she bought at a loss.
    Ans she's about to give my mom's house back to the bank as well.
    I have no money. I have no way of stopping this from happening.

  10. #9
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    Ok, getting ahead of myself. I have a tendency to do that...

    So, after Ricky, I'm on my own. Which is a good thing. Except by now, almost all my friends are long gone. I'm working as a substitute teacher, which really doesn't present the opportunity to meet new people.
    But that was okay, too. I needed to get some time on my own.
    I find out that the mom of one of my old friends is in ICU at a nearby hospital. She had been walking accross the street and got hit by a car! (She healed well, thank goodness)
    So I go to the hospital to see her. There I run into Sam.
    Sam was some one I had dated pretty seriously for awhile (btwn hubby 1 & 2). I had thought about him often, but had not seen him in at least 10 years!
    We spoke for a bit, and about 3 or 4 weeks later, we started dating again.
    Sam renewed my belief in life. He was so kind, so gentle. He seemed to understand me, and all the crap I had gone through. I felt safe with him. We both truly believed that we had found each other again for a reason. We were soulmates. Destined to be together always.
    that was almost 4 yrs. ago.
    He broke up with me about 6 weeks ago, and I haven't stopped crying since.

    (more on this later)

  11. #10
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    After thinking about it a bit, I realized that, really, we broke up with each other.
    If you've seen my thread in "families" you'll know why.
    Before his daughters decided to live with him here in the U.S., things were amazing! Life was the best it had ever been.
    And I had know the girls before they came here permanently. They had their share of issues, but what teen doesn't.
    I guess that since we would only see them a month at a time, it did not seem like such a serious situation.
    I'm sure that living with their mother had negative effects on them. She is extremely manipulative and somewhat psychotic.
    When all the stuff started manifesting with the girls, I started seeing patterns of behavior that I had seen in my "bad" students (i taught kids that were on probation, or involved in the court system).
    I pointed these out to Sam, only because I wanted to help him avoid the problems that could arise from these behaviors.
    At first, he listened. But when nothing changed, I tried to clarify some of it, and give him ways to deal with it. Help the girls get on the right track.
    He got very upset with me. Said I was always trying to get his girls in trouble. So I stopped offering my advise.
    One day he comes home and says "well, I hate to say it, but you were right!". He proceeds to tell me that "megan" his oldest daughter, was spending the night in jail. She had been caught shoplifting by the stores' owner. The worst part of it, was that the day before had been her 18th birthday. She had $100 in her purse that she got as a gift from grandma. So she was just shoplifting for the thrill of it. really pathetic.
    So Sam goes and bails her out the next morning. ($1000.00)
    He brings her home. tells her she is "grounded". Then she asks if a friend can come over to stay the night with her, and he says okay!
    This was the same friend that was with her when they arrested her!
    The next day, he decides to send her up to her uncles house in northern california for a week. Which seemed fine. Until we found out that she had friends up there, that came and picked her up and kept her drunk & high pretty much the whole week.
    And still, there were no consequences for her behavior.

    See this is the problem - the girls always do as they wish because they know dad is a pushover. there are never consequences for their actions. He tells me that it is his Method of parenting - Give them all the tools they need and let them make their own decisions (hoping they will make good choices). Which is all good in theory. But if they have demonstrated nothing but bad choices over and over, wouldn't you think that it was time for a new method??

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