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Thread: ..to whom it may concern...

  1. #21
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    this is the last email I sent him:


    thank you for talking to me. I wish it were easy for me to let go.
    But I will.
    I wish you had trusted me enough to tell me right from the start that you had doubts. That you no longer believed in us. might have saved me a lot of pain.
    I have no doubt you will find a new love.
    I have no doubt you were mine.
    I want no other.

    I was ready to give my life for you. I would have done anything and everything you asked of me. whatever it took to make this work. That's what has been thrown away. You taught me to believe in something. In what there had been for us once upon a time. in a love that was true - unconditional.

    boy, what a crock of * * * * that turned out to be.

    You said to me once that we would always be together. that this was it. committed to each other for life.
    I believed that, too.
    You took away the fears. I told you my deepest fears - that one day you would just wipe your hands of me. have nothing else to do with me.
    and you made my worst nightmare come true. And that is what I live in every day now.
    so, yeah, thanks for that.
    I love you.
    I despise that I believed you.
    its that fine line, y'know?

  2. #22
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    ok - yesterday and most of today - a little better.
    I have noticed that I can keep it together fairly well for most of the day now... until 4PM comes around.
    Because that's the time he finishes working for the day. And that was the time that he would call me, or me him, every single day.
    And I still get that very empty, hollow feeling around 4 every day, because the phone doesn't ring.
    And I know it isn't going to ring. but I somehow still expect it to.
    In my head, I start going through his "after-work"routine - home by 4:30; goes out on bike til about 6:15; home, shower, eat, feed dogs, etc.
    I guess that is my next quest: stop thinking about him & what he is or isn't doing.
    the pings of sadness hit me - it's harder knowing that he is home and choosing not to call (as opposed to while he is at work, and too busy to call).
    OK - deep breath...
    exhale .. let it go

    On a better note...
    loan proceeds were deposited yesterday in my account. I know I should be happier about it. guess what I really feel is relief. Knowing that I can finally pay off some very old debts (left over from my dad's estate).
    And I can go to the market and buy food without counting every penny in my wallet.

    once everything is paid, still not sure how much will actually be left for me. But I'm sure it will suffice. At least til a job comes along. Hopefully that will be very soon

  3. #23
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    having one of those days where I just can't seem to get myself moving. here it is almost noon. So many things on "to do " list. but still sitting in my jammies in front of computer.
    My brain is on overdrive - thinking way too much about everything else. Almost like, if I don't go out there, nothing else can happen to me.
    But i know that's nonsense. 'cuz if something is going to happen, it is going to happen. guess I believe in the fatalistic part of fate.
    okay - in the shower...now!

  4. #24
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    here we go again...

    after my epiphany from yesterday, after realizing why I get so depressed around 4pm, guess who calls me today... at 4pm?!
    none other than Sam. Called to shoot the breeze. talked about day trading (which we both do at times), and how crazy the dow was today. talked about how his ex wife is bugging him (as usual), how the girls are doing in school, etc. just a bunch of silly, unimportant chit chat.
    talked for about an hour (on his drive all the way home from work) about nothing of any real importance.
    After the conversation, I felt somewhat elated (at first). Felt nice to think that he had thought of me.
    Then everything else started to resurface. The sadness in knowing that he and I would never be "we" again. The anguish and pain he had caused me over the last few months. So deep and so severe.
    already feeling disappointed, knowing that he would not call me later, or tomorrow or the next day.
    I feel like I am still in a sort of limbo state. I know I need to move forward and let go. I need to realize that what once was an amazing and beautiful relationship, no longer exists.
    and has no hopes of resurfacing. end of story.
    and just when I start accepting these things to be true, 'bam!', he strikes again!
    makes me understand just how badly I need to get away from here, even if just for a couple of weeks. no phone, no email.
    wherever and however he can't reach me.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    money - money-money!

    I hate it. I have always seen it as a necessary evil. The way it divides families, the fact that people will kill for it. And those that have it often don't appreciate it. those that don't- well they will do whatever it takes to get some.

    I have never been a materialistic person. Live by my fathers words: a roof over your head, food on the table... that's all anyone needs.

    My mom, however was extremely materialistic. No, I take that back. She just had an unnatural craving for money! She liked to show off that she had a lot.
    Money is really what ended my parents marriage of 37 years. When my dad retired, he was given a decent amount of money from the company he had run for over 20 years.
    Mom wanted to spend it frivolously; to travel and buy trinkets.
    Dad ended up giving a lot of it away. To a local homeless shelter, to different churches, etc.
    He even started volunteering at one of the shelters, and took a couple of people under his wing. Trying to help them get back on their feet.
    This made my mother furious. She demanded he stop. He said no. and so began world war 3!
    But that wasn't my point. Point is - my sis is a lot like my mother.
    While my mom was alive, my sister moved into her to be with her during her illness. We had 2 nurses that covered shifts 24/7.
    And my sis was always gone - traveling all over the world.
    Well, about a year before my mom passed away, I was staying over there during one of those weekends sis was scuba diving in the caymans. I came accross some loan documents that were dated only a month before.
    Turns out that dear little sis, had refinanced my mom's house 3 times in 4 1/2 years! When she had first moved in, mom had a mortgage of under 200K.
    Suddenly it was up to 650K!
    I knew that some of it was to cover moms expenses (nurses & meds, etc.). but 450,000? no way.
    So I did a bit of investigating. Turns out, sis had purchased a few properties with that money! One in miami, 2 in new york, 2 or 3 in texas!
    all in her name only.
    Now, understand that by the date on the last refi, mom was already in an almost catatonic state. Didn't recognize people very much. rarely spoke. could no longer walk.
    And yet, somehow, mom's signature is on the paperwork for the loans!
    (later on, one of the nurses told me that she remembered when the notary had come to have the papers signed - they held my moms hand and moved it to write her name!).
    Oh, this is a long story... more later

  7. #26
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    Ok, back to my sister..
    As far as the money goes, I finally confronted her with all the info I had found. And she admits (a little) of what she has done. But she has still not come clean - not completely. She is still trying to convince me that most of the money from those refi's went for mom's care. She is only admitting that she used $100k for her own purposes.
    But I have copies of the cashiers checks that were written specifically to the escrow companies that handled her transactions. And her debt to my mothers estate is close to $350k!
    Okay - I don't push it. I let her pay back towards what she is claiming to owe and let it be. Why?
    Because she is my only sister, and mom and dad are both gone. I would rather try to salvage even a piece of our relationship, than to alienate her forever.
    Wait... there is soo much more to this story:

    1) My sis also had my moms trust written, after mom had the initial stroke. When mom signed it, she was more aware at that point, but she had also started down the dementia path (she saw waterfalls coming out of her bedroom walls). Sis also had her policeman-boyfriend come to the house, in uniform, to convince mom to sign the trust.
    2) What I didn't know until about 6 months ago was that there was already an existing will, and in my sisters new version she had completely written out my daughter. My daughter was the only grandchild for my mom and dad. they both loved her beyond words. Especially my mom. My mom lived for her granddaughter. nothing brought her more joy. and to find out that sis had cut her out completely killed me.
    also came to find out (more recently) that mom had already had a will in place before she had her strokes. Sis had received a letter from mom's lawyer stating that many years prior. But chose to ignore it. and never told me about it.

    there's more, but these are the biggest issues. I feel like I have forgiven her for so many things. Yet I see that still she shows no remorse. She feels fully justified in all her actions. Why? maybe because she lived with mom the last few years, even though she didn't stay in town very much. I don't know.

  8. #27
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    the core of things now...

    The reason I started writing all of this down was my inability to heal from Sam. I can't let go and move forward. I miss him every single day. I cry, still, every day.
    With all the things I have lived through, all the pain I have endured, I would have thought myself to be strong enough to get past this. But it doesn't seem to be happening.
    I never imagined that this relationship would be the thing that would finally break me.
    I try to not have contact with him, but the loan thing gave me no choice. And I am still moving stuff from his house (I'm doing it by myself, so it is taking a long time). I do everything I can to go there when I know that he will not be around. But half the time he shows up. And when he's not there, I actually feel a little disappointed.
    I keep trying to see a new life for myself. Try to make plans without him included. It isn't working. Where I used to see my future, I just see an empty void.
    I think that I understand a little better why I am having so much difficulty with this.
    I allowed every thread of my life to get intertwined with his. And he cut the strings.
    He helped me find my strength after being in an abusive relationship. He made a promise to me that we would never separate. That this was it!
    And I believed him.
    how am I supposed to believe anyone ever again?
    Don't see that happening

  9. #28
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    Seems like the more I try to keep the NC rule, the more he tries to contact me! Yesterday, I go3 text messages and 2 phone messages. Nothing important, really. So I made a choice not to return his calls, etc.
    But just hearing his voice, sounding so care-free, well that was enough to ruin my mood. In a big way!
    Today I feel like I am almost back to square one. On the edge of tears all day. nothing made me happy. And every little thing reminded me of him! I almost had a full meltdown in the middle of Target, because I saw some heels I knew he would have liked me to wear (he had a shoe thing). I literally had to walk out of the store and sit in my car for awhile, convincing myself it was okay to go back in.
    And yesterday, after I heard his messages, I was so upset that I (honest to God) let out a primal scream... in the middle of the post office!
    Surprised they didn't haul me away.
    This is insane! I don't want to linger. I don't want to keep hurting! So why do I still allow it to affect me so much?

  10. #29
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    guess that , if nothing else, I'm learning a lot about myself through this process. For years, I've had this thing that I call the "black hole"... it's where my brain runs off to when I'm having a difficult time dealing with something. Basically, I remove myself from the situation and pretty much from everything else, too.
    I try not to dwell on the problem; instead I draw, watch movies, anything I can do that doesn't involve interaction with people. this all started many years ago when some idiot doctor had me on 90mg of prozac a day! can you imagine!? When I finally weened myself off the meds, I vowed to never again let anyone or anything dull my senses. So now my brain just takes a break. And I know when I am ready to rejoin the real world because, in its silence, my brain finds resolution.
    This process used to last for up to a week. But I had gotten much better at it - could get from beginning to end in half a day.
    This situation, however, has had me spinning in and out of the black whole for almost three months. And as hard and painful as its been, I've always realized that it's a "necessary evil"- part of the process that will eventually get me to where I need to be.
    So, while I have been in this blackness these are the things that have clarified for me:
    1- what I have been holding onto is not much more than a wish that things would be as they were when we first found each other again. It was a magical thing. I wanted to believe that we had been brought back together (after10 years!) for a reason. not to get chewed up and spit out yet again.
    2- yes, by the end there were massive issues. mostly things that were wrapped around his kids, and definitely things which I did not have the ability (or the right)to change. What he chooses to do with the girls, and how he chooses to deal with their behavior - thats completely out of my control. The only thing I have any control over is how I choose to react to those decisions. this was always one of the major problems in our relationship. I would see them use and abuse his good nature constantly. And I would get upset. I would try to protect him from his own kids. but he didn't want to be protected. He would rather live in denial and pretend that the girls were "sweet angels". In my opinion, all this does is open the door for worse things to happen. these girls have no sense of right and wrong - life is all about what they can get away with. And thats one thing when you have a dad that will take all your crap and swallow it whole. Its a whole different thing out there in the real world.
    This is one of the things I am still trying to detach from. Its hard to watch someone you care for get beat up day after day by his kids. But the path he is leading them down... lets just say I'm afraid it will get much worse before the end.
    3- some of my pain - not all of it, but a chunk - comes from this "aging" thing. I'm getting closer and closer to 50 - which I can't even believe to be true. I don't feel that old!
    But at this point in life, chances are slim to none that I will find someone else. Not only that, But I really don't feel up to the whole "meeting someone, dating" etc. I don't want to have to start all over again. stubborn? lazy? yeah, guess I am. And I will not drag my daughter through one more failing relationship. think she's dealt with enough of those.

    (three a.m.... more later)
    its my birthday...think I'll go into hiding today. its going to be a rough one, I can tell already.

  11. #30
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    got thru my birthday as quietly as possible. which is what I wanted.
    Received a"happy b-day" text from sam (woop).

    So the next day(tues.), I started making stuff happen that had been a long time coming.
    First, I rented a big moving truck. I drove it down to "home depot" where there are always guys looking for day work. I hired 2 of them for the day. And we went and took almost all the rest of my stuff from sam's house. my dresser, couches, all the big stuff.
    Have to admit, it was a very bittersweet feeling.
    Took some of the stuff to my teeny apartment. The rest went to storage. I can figure out what to do with it all bit by bit.

    On Wednesday, I finally went and did all the paperwork to renew my US passport. YAY!
    I even paid extra for them to rush it through. Not sure where I am going yet, but at least now I will be able to go at the drop of a hat.
    Took a dance class on Thursday. God, I am the oldest person in there by about 20 years.
    Tough! I refuse to let something so insignificant as age get in my way. We have no control over our physical age. It's our mental age that counts (at least that's how I see it).
    Yesterday I told Sam that he is not allowed to text me or call or email me anymore. That he needed to allow me the chance to heal. Which is impossible with him lurking around every corner. He seemed to understand perfectly. And he has not contacted me at all. Thing is, I miss him.
    I'm sure it's like we just broke up all over again. Knowing that I won't hear his voice, knowing not to expect his calls... I don't know. I thought it would give me more strength. But it seems to have left me pretty much empty.
    He was more than just my boyfriend. He was my best friend. Pretty much the only person I hung out with. Now it's just me, my dog and the TV. My daughter is here, too. But it's not the same. And god knows I am not going to start hanging out with a 19 year old and all her little friends. That would be too creepy!
    Have no idea what's ahead of me. But I'm going to try to keep a positive attitude. Hold onto the tiny bit of faith I have left.
    Ayudame, sujetame- adelante voy
    (help me hold me- forward I go)

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