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Thread: ..to whom it may concern...

  1. #11
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    This behavior continues to get more and more out of control (hence my other thread). It all finally got to boiling point.
    His reaction ends up being to protect his daughters from everything, including me. In his eyes, all I have done is make the situation worse by pointing out the danger signs.
    I understand the need a parent feels to protect their children. But, honestly, I think that more than anything, he felt as if I was trying to sabotage his relationship with his daughters.
    Since then I have realized a few other things. I can see know that he is a very co-dependent person. What he has done with the girls is become an enabler. I doubt he sees that.
    I have also come to realize that he and his girls are jealous of my daughter. Or they feel inferior, I don't know.
    My daughter is great! not into the partying thing at all. Graduated high school last year with a 3.95GPA. Started at the local university a month ago. She's taking philosophy, math, history, poli sci, womens studies AND music. His oldest took one photography class at city college and couldn't take the pressure! Gee - maybe because she was high all the time!
    When my girl graduated H.S., I was very proud of how well she had done. I told Sam that she was graduating with high honors. You know what the reaction was that I got from him??
    "Better not tell my girls, 'cuz it will make them resentful!"
    Ok - I don't get it.
    Their relationship (the 3 of them) is very complex and twisted. I know that I would never have been given a position of respect in that house. I know that I could talk til I was blue, and I would still be seen as the "enemy". I swear, I am not a bad person.
    And even though all these things are apparent to me, and my brain knows that there was no other way but to separate and move on, my heart will not let go.
    I have felt more pain, and cried more tears these last few weeks than I have in my entire life.
    I know there is no "fix"for this. but I wish to god there were.

  2. #12
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    I think that if there were any way possible to have completely no contact with him whatsoever, the healing might possibly begin. At least it would have a chance.
    But I am still in the process of moving all my stuff out of his place. And since I am moving it all by myself, it is taking a very long time. I go by once a day, fill up my car, and take the stuff to a storage garage I have. He has not lifted a solitary finger. Hasn't even offered. But why should I expect him to?
    He is also helping me refinance a piece of property I own ( that was left to me by dad). With the bankruptcy, I couldn't qualify for a thing. so he offered to sign on as guarantor on the loan. For that I am very grateful. But because we have not closed the loan yet, there is conversation that has to happen pretty much daily.
    If all goes well, the loan should close by the end of next week. Thank goodness, because I am down to my last $100.00. And without a job right now, life pretty much sucks. (Yep - I am one of the casualties of the financial meltdown).

    I'm thinking that once I get the money in the bank, it might very well be time for me to make major changes. I have lived in the same city my entire life. Think it will be very cleansing to start over somewhere else.
    Nothing has me tied here anymore. And there will be enough money from the refi to make sure my daughter has a nice little apartment close to school. Even if for just one semester.
    Thinking that maybe I will look into some art schools in Italy. doesn't hurt to dream, right?

  3. #13
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    think maybe I am turning a corner. Well, not really a corner - maybe just a slight curve in the road.
    I still miss him terribly. Still cry everyday.
    But I realize that lately, instead of just dwelling on him, and what once was "us", I've been starting to look at the bigger picture.

    Why can't I have what I want? Somehow I always end up on my own. I always imagined that someone you loved, or claimed to love you, would do anything for you. 'Knight in shining armor" - protect you from the evils of the world.
    Just as you would do for him.
    Really, am I asking for too much?

    I feel deceived. Again. I thought I had found the one person who accepted me for who I am. No matter what. And loved me for me. period.
    And he says he still loves me. And I know I still love him.
    So why am I so miserable?
    All those books you read growing up, and all the movies that have the same underlying message:
    "With love all things are possible."
    " Love conquers all"

    that isn't real, is it?
    its only in fairy tales, and in Sandra Bullock movies.

    Why don't they tell the real story?
    That its all just a bunch of bull. every man for himself.
    No matter how much you love someone, no matter how much you willingly give of yourself, or sacrifice in the name of love...
    there just are no guarantees.
    Fairytale endings are few...very few.

    with all the other stuff I had survived, I thought that, finally, I had made the right choices. Found the right person.

    but, no. Here I am again. heart in hand.
    honestly, its enough for me to not ever trust anyone ever again. 'Cuz I just don't want to go through all this pain ever again.
    easier to be on my own.
    at least that way, I know who's watching out for me. And protecting me.


    I am.

  4. #14
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    ... I had a feeling today would not be a very good day.
    (hate it when I'm right!)

    Remember the refi? that sam is signing on to as guarantor for me?

    Well call came in today. All loan documents are ready. He just needs to go and sign them.

    He calls me at 11am. tells me "I left without signing the papers."
    WHAT???

    he says the language on the papers is very convoluted, and is trying to get bank to change their wording. says that if I default on loan, he is at risk to lose everything.

    Ok, I understand his hesitance to some degree. But I have told him over and over that I will not allow anything to go bad on this.
    Guess he doesn't trust me.

    Now I get an email from him, stating that he will only sign documents if I agree to certain conditions:
    1) account must be established where checks have to be signed by both of us.
    2) that account must maintain a minimum balance of $150k.

    Okay, how am I supposed to get over this if I have to get permission from him every time I want to write a check? And 150K is every penny that is coming out of the refi. that is supposed to be my starting over fund. He knows I am having a hard time finding a job right now. He knows I want to go away, take some classes, etc.
    But how can I do any of that if the money has to all stay in the bank? what's the point of going thru with the refi on the property if I can't use any of the money?

    I wrote him back. explained the things I mentioned above.
    told him I was willing to compromise. I would maintain $50k in a "controlled" account.
    if that's good enough for him, I asked him to sign papers.
    if it isn't then he shouldn't sign.
    It would be pointless to sign anyway if I can't at least get some use out of the funds.
    So, I am either 100k closer to moving forward. Or I go apply for food stamps tomorrow.
    life is strange...

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  6. #15
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    He signed the papers today.

    I should be jumping for joy.
    but I'm not.

    this is the guy that just recently broke my heart. The guy I thought was to be my final destiny. That I still love. That I'm having such a hard time letting go of.

    I thought that with this money, I could go away. clear my head & start fresh.
    What I've realized is that by getting this loan, I am tied to him for at least the next 5 years.
    I will have to have contact with him on at least a weekly basis.
    And I'm not sure how to that and heal at the same time.
    I've realized that when one or two days pass without contact, I start to feel stronger, more sure of myself.
    But then I see him (while I'm packing stuff up at his house), or talk or even just get a text.
    And it's as if all this just happened yesterday.
    And I fall apart all over again.
    I think the hardest part of it all is watching him just go on with his life, as if nothing had happened.
    We used to spend Saturdays watching college football. Now, the season has started & I can't bear watching the games alone.
    But he does. Even better, he gets a bunch of people to come over and watch the game with him.
    And it makes me feel so unwanted. so heartbroken.
    hopefully all of this will pass soon.
    But feeling that I am somewhat under his control for the next few years - that's going to make it a lot tougher.
    Oh, well... at least I'm not having to go stand in line for food stamps.
    Hopefully, things won't be too much more delayed.
    Would love to get cash this week. But if I have to wait, so be it.

  7. #16
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    gitmo...

    just one quick entry today.

    My sis called me last night and asked me to come over & help her look for Gitmo. gitmo is my daughters puppy. He had been staying with my sis while my daughter & I resettled into the apartment we moved into.
    They had been walking in a nearby park and he suddenly disappeared.

    We searched til midnight with no luck at all.
    This morning a neighbor calls to tell us that he saw Gitmo laying on the side of the road.
    Sure enough, it was him. poor baby - only 8 months old. such a sweetie.
    Don't know how to tell my daughter. Will wait til end of the day, after she is done with her classes.
    This breaks my heart.
    How much are we supposed to be able to handle at once?
    I miss him so much..

  8. #17
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    still dealing with the trauma of the puppy. My daughter seems ok one minute, and falling apart the next. I guess we are all like that right now.

    Had the distinct priviledge of attending a lecture by the Dalai Lama. He spoke of the "4 noble truths" which are the core of buddhism.
    the 1st truth= Life is suffering.
    In other words, people strive all their lives for happiness. And when they can not achieve that goal - life becomes intolerable.
    It may be one little thing, or many events, but until you master how to deal with the bad stuff, the good will be unattainable.
    Lots more on this later!

  9. #18
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    So... life is suffering.
    Think I've mastered that one.
    truth # 2 : we must identify the origin of that suffering. What is causing you to suffer?
    Their belief says that there are two main types of origination- or two basic places that paincomes from: dependent origination and independent origination. the first (dependent) is actually created from an internal response to a situation. the second comes from an external source.
    and although most of us would think that external situations cause the most suffering, it is really just the opposite!

    we create our own suffering for many things. It's not that someone just left you for somebody else: it is your reaction to that persons action that causes the pain.
    So just choose to not let their actions affect you, and "boom" - innerpeace!
    way easier said than done.
    The thing that he spoke of which I really couldn't grasp was this: He said that compassion for others is the key to unraveling yourself from spiritual turmoil. He also said that to not allow things to get you upset, you need to maintain a certain amount of detachment. I don't know how you are supposed to stay detached, and yet feel compassion for something. that's almost like a catch 22. It must be a very thin line, separating one from the other. something which is almost impossible to achieve, I think.

  10. #19
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    So... dependent vs independent origination.

    Dependent origination is something that has manifested from within. Attachments create anger, envy, jealousy, etc.
    By removing the attachment, you remove the breeding ground for all those things.
    Independent origination comes from something that you have absolutley no control over.
    I lost my job because of state budget cuts to education. Could I have seen that coming? if so, could I have changed it?
    I don't think so.
    Once you see the origin of the thing that cause you pain, you must know decide how to approach it.
    If it is something you have the power to change, then do so. If not, learn to accept it and move on.

    Funny, budhism is starting to sound like a twelve step program....

  11. #20
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    the reason I'm going on & on about this stuff, is because I am trying to find a way to let go of Sam. There still are tears every day. still a lot of pain. But today I have realized something...
    When we split up, I kind of understood why we had to separate. With his daughters & their behavior, I knew I could no longer live in the same house. But I thought that we would still be together. Take a step back. go back to dating as opposed to living together.
    That wasn't his plan.
    He was done. And he had known that for quite awhile. He just didn't bother to let me know that til he had already resolved everything in his own head.
    And since I was so cluless, I couldn't understand how a 4 yr relationship could just go to nothing so quickly in his head. He moved on without a hitch. no regrets. Man, that hurt.
    so through the Dalai Lama and other means, I am looking for the best way for me to deal with this in my head.
    I still love him. Even with all the pain he has caused me.
    What I realized today was that a lot of what I have been carrying these last few months was due to the fact that I had false hopes of this fixing itself.
    I had one last conversation with him last night (hopefully the last). And he finally told me that, no there is no hope. and No, this is not temporary.
    and as harsh as that may seem, it was exactly what I needed to hear to be able to let go.
    today feels a bit less weepy. step in the right direction.

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