My husband wants a "trial" separation

Basically, my husband is unhappy and depressed. (He takes his meds.) He feels like he has no control over anything. He feels overwhelmed, isolated, and for the most part has lost contact with all his friends. He says he longs for freedom or wants the chance to live on his own, etc. I think he has felt this way for years, and I have tried all sorts of things to help him or improve our marriage, including therapy. Ultimately, I know that he must help himself, and that I can only be here to support him if he wants my support and help, but I think he's too scared to make any decisions or commitments, and so we are left in limbo. We don't argue or disagree very much. He's a good guy and a good father. We have sex regularly. Yet, we don't connect somehow. I want to plan a future with him, but I can't. Nothing changes or gets better. If I ask him anything or suggest things, the reply is usually "I don't know." I think that's partially an honest answer, but if I'm doing anything wrong, and I'm not even sure if I am, I don't know what it is because he says that he loves me and I'm not doing anything wrong. He's just unhappy. That is just an ambiguous cop out! He usually follows if I take the lead, and I try not to do that because he feels this great overwhelming loss of control, but sometimes, I'm forced to lead by default. We've been together for 10 years. We've been married for almost 4 years. We have a 2 year old daughter. I love him. I want him to be happy. I want to save my marriage. I don't want to give up and fail. However, I feel like I've hit a wall. I think I am on the verge of accepting that my marriage is going to fail and that I'm just scared to admit it to myself. I desperately want to get on with my life. I want more kids. I want to be with someone that is happy. I want to be with someone that engages me in life, that participates and shares himself with me. I haven't lost hope, but maybe he really wants a divorce and just can't bring himself to commit to that decision out of fear. Once again, I'm being forced to decide. Give up on him and divorce or keep on keepin' on. It's hard to give up on someone when you've invested 10 years of your life with them. What about my daughter? It's exhausting to think about the process of splitting up, but I will do it if that's the right thing to do. Is it? I would welcome a slap in the face. At least that's not limbo.

Has he always been like this?

It's possible. We were in our early 20s when we met, so I was not as emotionally mature or aware of the signs of depression, and neither was he. Plus, the beginning bliss of relationships always blinds you from seeing the bad parts. I think he's been like this for at least 4 or 5 years.

That's really tough, he's hurting, you're hurting, and your child will hurt for both of you. If you could gently suggest that he could continue seeking treatment from professionals until he feels substantially better he might go for it. Unless you've already done that.

I even suggested it tonight over the phone, again. I wouldn't say my tone of voice was gentle though. My mistake. I was upset, but I can't go back in time and change things. He thinks it's futile, and I could try and force him, but we all know that is clearly going to create more problems than solve them.

If he left then I don't see where you have much choice. How are you at taking care of yourself?

Well, he left a day ago, so maybe I'm overreacting out of pure stress. Please let tell me if I am. We both work. My daughter goes to daycare, so I have been picking her up and dropping her off so that he can "take some time" for himself. Nothing major has changed yet, other than he's not here at all.

If you can try an relax a bit you'll feel a lot better. Look at it like a vacation from each other right now since nothing's been decided. Let your mind be free of it, thinking more won't change anything. Look at your child for inspiration.

he might have been having an emotional affair and then got confused and left....perhaps you could ask him outright without judging him...if he was having one, then he was feeling something lacking in your relationship...you can then both work on it together to get through it

if you love someone, let them go....what i mean here is that you cannot force someone to stay with you if they don't want and you wouldn't want that anyway....but he may be confused and acting irrationally (if he was having an emotional affair, that is)...perhaps he just needs time to understand what he really wants and the implications of his choices

good luck....

what i forgot to mention is that you need to remain calm (as much as you can) and try not to show you are breaking down....at this point, calm logic would be more appealing than too many emotions to him, i think...especially if he is comparing you to anyone in his mind

i may have got this all wrong, in which case i'm sorry, but you never know....

You are actually right on the money, so don't be sorry. He had what I define as an emotional affair two years ago(he still denies that it was an affair and gets defensive when I use that word), while I was pregnant, which without going into the entire dramatic story, ended with us still being together two years later. I have come to terms with this, which just means that it has been a long and difficult road since that time and I have learned quite a few things along the way, but I have found some peace with myself. Though, you may be right. Maybe he is comparing me to something or someone, searching for that thing we lack. Whatever it is, he's not telling me or he doesn't know, or I just don't understand because I'm utterly stupid, or he is not communicating it in a way that I understand. I guess I kind of feel like I have hit a wall, and I need to scale it even if the other side is not so sunny. I wish someone would just throw me over it. Anyway, you are pretty in tune with my situation so thanks. Nothing is really resolved, but it's nice to feel some validation.

I think you should consider having him get a second opinion from a doctor for his meds if he is willing.

I have seen this before in my own marriage. She decided she wasn't happy and set out to find something or someone in my case to MAKE her happy. He will never have lasting happiness unless he learns to be happy and not look to others or things to make him happy.

Google "Walk Away Wife Syndrome" or more accurately "Walk Away Spouse Syndome". The information you read may help you understand what it is you can and can't do to help. In the end it is his choice to continue on this distructive path. True happiness will never be his by running away.

You have been a more than understanding and he is lucky to have you. Try and not react to his words or deeds. The reactions by you will just feed his problems.

best wishes

PM me anytime

Lost

hmmm...i am sorry to hear that 1stTH...lostandhurt may be right about about some of us needing to learn how to be happy...

it seems like you still don't know what is lacking in your relationship because you still refer to it as 'that thing we lack'....if you can listen without judging at all, then i would try to help him and yourself what is it you lack

it doesn't mean that you may be the person to help him fill what is lacking but at least you will know...