Look at my red hands and my mean face

Well I wonder

And I writhe and I twist

My mind starts wandering

Then I stop..there it is.

Mmm.

A warm, rheumy substance

dancing on my lips.

Ethyl, I say, my darling where have you been?

You know I can't sleep without you

and I begin to ache within

I stand in awe, appreciating every inch of her full figured shape

Eyes steady..sliding up her neck

I can hardly stand it

I pull her in for the finish

Pressing my lips against hers

There it is again, the warmth.

Ethyl, I whisper, you've done it...

all my problems? Diminished.

That's been bothering me lately. Avoiding it makes me feel weak. Vulnerable. I'm contemplating giving it a try, seeing if I can handle it. But what benefits will I reap besides proving to myself that I have control? I wonder if it's even worth the risk. I don't know.

"I have no ambition in this world but one, and that is to be a Fireman. The position may, in the eyes of some, appear to be a lowly one; but those who know the work which a Fireman has to do believe his is a noble calling. Our proudest moment is to save... lives. Under the impulse of such thoughts the nobility of the occupation thrills us and stimulates us to deeds of daring, even of supreme sacrifice."

- Edward F. Crocker

The first line in that quote pretty much sums it up. Somewhere along the way I always forget that. I always forget how much getting there means to me and what it's going to take. I've been screwing lately, royally screwing up. And slacking off. So many distractions, but I've gotta get past them. Shrug that crap off because there will always be distractions, that shouldn't be an excuse. I haven't been studying like I should. I haven't turned in any applications to ambulance companies. Haven't been working out like I should, although this is my first week I've been able to in awhile, I still should've started by now. Haven't been going to my prep class. Nothing.

So I'm cuttin' all the crap. What I can take care of this week, I will. Starting today. Get all my papers and folders, etc. organized and hit the gym later. No matter who calls or drops by, screw em. You don't get picked out of 3,000 or so applicants by slacking off.

I've just been so concerned with frivolous crap as of late. I have had fun, I've had a blast, but I've gotta learn to balance fun and work.

So, I'm gonna let that quote stand as a reminder of what it is I need get done and honor my personal deadlines and goals. Do work son!

o noes. We fought, kinda. She can be so..what's the word? Unemotional? Uneffectionate? Uncaring? One of those un words. Whatever, I don't like that shhhh. Mr. Perry says I can do bad all by myself, GIRL. I don't need you for that. I've got a palm..TWO, in fact.

Maybe if I was a complete saint, I'd agree with the majority. Maybe if that were so, I would've at the time given some kind of "alpha" response or retort and simply turned my back on the situation, with a "to hell with her/it" attitude. Or maybe that just isn't me. In my eyes we're even. I can't point my finger at her any higher than she can point hers at me.

I listened to a friend talk about her best friend yesterday. It prompted me to realize that.."damn, I don't even have one of those anymore." I don't know what that feeling is like. To be able to finish someone's sentences and have them finish yours. To say the exact same thing at the exact time. Like clockwork. To go on and on and on about topics that most people really don't care about. And having that weird, twisted, what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-you sense of humor. Yeah, I miss that. That's not such an easy thing to forget and turn your back on. It's easy for others to say move on, ---- happens and so on, but really, how easy is it to find someone to click with again?

Maybe it's my ego talking, but I do believe that she treats me this way because she wants to forget her past. She doesn't wanna remember any feelings associated with me whether they be positive or negative. As long as she surrounds herself with her "church" family, all is well and she can forget who she was/is, or make up for it, and as long as I'm around...she'll remember who she used to be or who she really is underneath the facade. I hope this girl is right in saying that she'll come to terms with who she is and was. I just hope it doesn't have to be in a negative way.

But I truly hope she takes care of things first. There's a big difference between wanting attention and needing constant male attention and acceptance. I hope she learns to distinguish the two.

If she comes around, she comes around. If not, she doesn't. I'll keep keepin' on.

Anyway, it was nice talking to someone who didn't shun me and make a comment about how beta my actions are/were. Because so what if Christ never gave up on people? Aren't there exceptions? I'm sorry that I don't give up on people and toss em out cause they're imperfect just like me. No one has to agree with my beliefs, you can even call 'em fairy tales, but I know you can agree with the basis. With the moral. Cause I know we all dabbled in a fable or two by Aesop. But yes, I appreciated the advice given by her, and the bit of praise. It was nice to hear for once. Thanks.

And that isn't to say that I don't have a connection with my gal. It would just be nice to have a close friend like that again as well as a partner. Because I know some things go in one ear and out the other, and my sense of humor can sometimes leave her thinking I'm the weirdest thing ever. So if you have a best, realize how lucky you are, cause I can't even understand what that's like anymore.

Phew.

Yep. That's it. How long did that last? So much for finding a nice girl, huh? It's ok, I'll find my way into a pants party thursday night. CAN'T WAIT.

Best line a girl has said to me while mad: "I want to scoop your eyeballs out and shove half of your junk in each socket." Hahaha. Not her exact words, but, pretty much.

Hahaha. The end result of our fight? "You're such an ass. Only a pr*** would laugh at that. Just come "fluff" me already." She's great, lol, I think I'll keep her around for awhile.

Things are looking GOOD. I got a call back from an ambulance company and I made it to the next step of the application process for a local FD. Even if I don't make it all the way for either job, I've still got the academy coming up. It will be a bummer if I don't get hired, but either way it goes, I'll still be on the road to achieving short and long term goals. One route I finish up school right away, the other route, not so much.

My school's baseball coach approached me as well. That felt good, it was ego boost, I wont lie, hah. Not sure if I'm going to go through with that or not. It doesn't really fall under the category of goals, but it would be fun and challenging..that's for sure. I don't know.

What ever happened to quality cartoons? I turn on my TV and I see all of this...just crap. No other way to describe it. I hate Jimmy Neutron. And after awhile, Patrick just isn't enough to save the day. I miss the Ahhh!!! Real Monsters era, but even before that..the bread and butter of cartoons. The good ol' toons. You know...Tom and Jerry, Bugs Bunny, Wiley Coyote, etc. Well anyway, they taught me about having a conscience, or at least what I thought a conscience should be. The whole angel on one shoulder telling you to do the right thing and the devil telling you to live for the moment basically. During grade school we had an assignment about consciences. What did our consciences tell us to do? Did we listen? Write about a time you listened to your conscience, and so on and so forth. I sat there at my little desk, pencil hand, staring down at my blank piece of paper, "Why haven't you started your assignment? You won't be done in time for recess." "Because I don't have a conscience Ms.______." "Well that's sad, because everyone has a conscience."

Yeah, of course I grew up and learned what a conscience really was, or so I thought. Is it really as simple as an inner voice? Or is it parts of my brain going at it? A battle between my head and heart? Or this ongoing internal conflict?

I'm so textbook, or so I think. For the most part, I'm a good kid, just as he wants me to be. But there's that part of me that wont die...that wont quite settle down. That part that wants to be so much like him. Is it because I am so much like him or cause I want to be? I don't know..

What I do know is that's a dumb route to go down. The last thing I want is to end up like him. I want a secure future...not...that.

I don't know if I would agree with me being a "good guy" but I'm not a "bad guy" I'm not really anything. What is even good or nice? I'm definitely no white knight..I know that much. My thoughts are just...all jumbled.

I remember there being a thread and the title being something along the lines of "can anyone think of a truly selfless act" or something or other. I replied that I thought what I want to do as a career was selfless..blah blah blah. And I truly believe that. You know why? Because I don't feel better about myself when a heartbeat comes back..or when breathing becomes spontaneous again. Yeah, it gives me a little surprise, but do I value myself more? Not really. I don't feel more righteous by giving medical care or by putting a fire out when I'm lucky enough. I enjoy it, I do, but does it make me more righteous? Nothing I do is going to make me any more of an upstanding citizen than the next guy. Can I be better than the next guy at some task? Damn straight.

I'm just like my old man. Maybe not t*t for tat, but pretty close. That doesn't really bother me anymore. Probably because of my little conflict as of late. Where we differ is what really matters, and I'd rather not give up that sliver of myself.

Maybe what "humbles" me is that, while everyone else can take off their blood stained gloves, mine are permanent. And while I can put on a show as my mouth curves into a smile or smirk and those crow's feet start to form it can just as soon be completely devoid of any emotion or warmth. With no remorse. I don't go around sulking, nor do I hate the world and all of it's inhabitants, or blah blah blah. I just know I can't buy forgiveness or righteousness.

That probably doesn't make sense, but it does to me. I just go on and on and on and on and on. Blah blah blah blah blah. I feel better now. That's my form of confession for today.

I wonder how a person can just totally forget about you? No matter how much of a POS I can be...there's still something inside of me that cares about people and their wellbeing. I'm not completely devoid of any compassion. I wonder how you can do it? I could never fathom how Jesus dealt with those who didn't love him back, in fact..they did the exact opposite. Or they were neutral. How do you deal with that? I do it, but it's not easy. Makes me feel pretty weak actually.

It's always cars, you know? It's not the little things anymore, thank God. But the cars and when people have passion for writing..because those two things mattered most. I wish it wasn't the case, cause I know you don't think of me at all.

Vulnerability. I'd rather not.

What's that STENCH you're wearing? Oh? Hypocrite you say? How lovely.

YES I AM. A hypocrite. Least I admit it. I'm also a jerk and a full time a-hole(but man I've got an awesome lion mane going on). Accessories included: fear of one-itis, slight misogyny, and internal conflict. Conflicts, rather.

It is so time for bed, and I of course can't sleep.

You've made a mistake. Once it's done, I most likely will have made one as well. And I don't really care.

Thank God I kept my cool yesterday. Really. I put myself in that guy's shoes and I thought, you know what? I'd be pretty pissed if I was him too. What good does it do talking with someone who wont do anything about the problem? Can't blame him. It just makes me see crimson when I feel like someone is trying to do harm to a person in my family.

Please tell me why the AHA is so hard to follow. Or maybe it's just this crap computer that NOTHING WORKS ON. What the hell.

It's insane the crap people will go through and put up with just to feel a sense of love, or what they think it is. To feel cared about or wanted. I pity that guy and at the same time it's a shame he puts up with her. I've been there. Got cheated on twice. I don't know why I took her back the first time, cause I loved her and cause I knew I had done my wrong, too I guess. But to be so blatantly rubbed in my face? I guess I'd be a dbag to the guy my girl was all over half the night as well and I wouldn't wanna leave her alone either. But is that really your girl then? The alcohol isn't an excuse..I used to believe that too. You didn't know what you were doing? Oh, you've got 3 aces, but I just had 2? BS. Bull. Nah doll, you just didn't know what to do with that liquid courage, huh? Didn't know what to do with that spanish fly.

But last night did strengthen my beliefs that a girls relationship between her dad and male family members plays a pivotal role in her choice of a boyfriend. Why? Because he is everything that they are not and that appeals to her cause she's not used to it. Trying to hold onto something different..almost better. Clean. And why me? Cause I'm just like them. And why the other guys? Cause they're just like them as well. This kid is the odd guy out. Not sure how that plays out. I wonder if he's like me. Holding onto hope of her becoming a better person? And feeling like they're even cause he does/has done the same? Whatever.

It just amazes me. The crap people do to each other, and the crap people put up with.

So we're cuddling, and she laughs at me. I say to her, "I love your laugh..it's cute" She says, "I love your ____." hahah, that was great. A keeper? We'll see.

I've been trying to face every single one of my fears since my break up. Because I'm afraid of being weak. Afraid of having vulnerabilities. Because of the role I played in the relationship and the role I played afterward. So far, I've been pretty successful.

I know, it sounds like I'm letting the end of the relationship affect me more than it should. It's not so much the relationship or her, but rather the end of it prompting me..forcing me to see myself in a different light. I'm not running from myself, I'd just rather not be that guy. It's not an escape run, but..a metamorphosis. An improved version of myself.

It's not about being a badass or living up to those ridiculous "no fear" shirts--not that anything is wrong with that..I just don't buy into it--everyone has a fear or two. Long term, short term, whatever. I know I've got fears that come and go. Fear of rejection, failure, etc. We all face those every day. But what I mean are my "long term" fears. Such as my fear of heights, lol, I've never came accross a firefighter that was afraid of heights. My mentor took care of that as well as myself. Started rock climbing and was forced up an aerial ladder. I'll never forget trying to back out of that:

"kid, you want a shot at the ladder, too?"

"nah cap, it's ok, I'll just watch you guys"

He gave me this devilish grin and said, "you're afraid of it, aren't ya?" Oh yes..afraid was not the word. So I kinda looked down, laughed nervously and told him I'd go put on my turnouts. Helped me get over that fear..for sure.

Spiders. I freaking hate them. I'm allergic to 'em which doesn't help matters. I've improved, I can look at them now. And I can even play with 'em. But if one is on me? It's done. A done deal. I'm not going into any small spaces for a day or two. Still gotta work on that. Then there are snakes. It takes me awhile to warm up to them. Don't mind them so much anymore. I don't really understand that one, I used to love snakes as a kid.

I guess that's little stuff. It still matters to me, though. Like I said, it's not about having no fears, but facing them. Being able to just...live. Without fear.

But there's one that I can't get over. That I have to face without getting over it in a day, or week, or month. It scares me to no end. And I just have to face it and hope for the best. That fear is having kids..or raising my kids right if I ever do have any. The topic got brought up in conversation the other day. So I asked my girlfriend if she knew what the spartans used to do to female babies, she said no, so I told her that they practiced exposure and explained it to her. Then I said that's what I was going to do if she popped out any girls. Or I'd try to push them back inside the womb.

That's a legitimate fear. Have you stepped outside to see how women dress and act? And have 80% of the women you've dated turn out to be harlots? I'm not women hating. Don't hate the wimminz, only a lil bit. If anyone knew me well enough they'd know that if I had daughter I'd love her just the same and she'd be my little princess. It's just scary. My cousin is what really made me think about it. No matter how much he looks up to me or respects me..no matter how much influence I have..no matter how good his life has been. He's angry. At what? I have no idea. And I can't change that. No one can. That's a scary thought. No matter how good I am to my kids, no matter what I give them..they could turn out rotten. Mal.

It's what I fear most. And I can't change it.

Did I ever say that I'm done making excuses for her? That it doesn't really matter why things are how they are? I read that thread about the guy whose ex girlfriend wouldn't respond to him. At all. Forget it. It's a done deal. I don't care if she doesn't talk to me because she's afraid of feelings, afraid that I for some inane reason still want her, or cause she just doesn't care. It really doesn't matter what the reason is.

I feel for that guy although I'm sure by now he's probably over it. Damn if that wasn't an eye opener.

Why the hell didn't someone slap some sense into me and ask me why I even wanted to be friends with someone who could care less about me? Why? What the hell was wrong with me?

I'm done guise. DONE. I'm too cool for sunday school. And she can't handle it. OH WELL. Gonna end this kanye style.

Yo C, I'm real happy for you, and Imma let you finish ignoring me, but Joe Pesci had the best betrayal of friendship of all time. OF ALL TIME.

I guess I was being rash. I just...don't understand how "booger face" is offensive.

At this point I don't even care. Yes, I can feel that something tugging at my heart. Begging for me to hurt and to break..but I just don't care. Everything had to have..a policy if you will, regardless of the situation. I don't know. Maybe relationships just aren't for me.

Maybe I'm just a jerk, but I think that's such a stupid fairy tale to buy into. Yes pessimistic tonight. Or maybe..quite possibly..I'm just being realistic. Who knows.

I'll go take my pessimism, realism, angry-manism, whateverism you want to call it..out on the iron.

Back ON it. Had a mini-session last night at the gym. I've lost quite a bit of strength..pretty sad, but I'll get back to where I was and then some in no time. Nothing but a peanut. Tried front squats for the first time. Felt like a party all night, yesss.

Oh, I forgot that I stumbled upon another Taylor Lautner thread. And it's official, I'm gonna stop hounding this guy. Kid got kinda big, I have to admit.

I know I’m just diving further into the hypocrite sea…

It makes me want to rip tracheas out, left and right. I know what it’s like to be at the bottom, to be at an all time low, to feel like the bottom of a shoe fresh with dog poo. Undesirable. Unwanted. Rejected. Is it because I’m too short? Too scrawny? Not funny enough? Smart enough? Not this or that? What was it? All of those negative thoughts and feelings because one girl didn’t want me. I figured it had to be me, and if it was, then who else would want me? She deserved better, so did everyone else.

It was in fact me. I was the problem. Not because I became undesirable to her, but because I did to myself.

I compared myself to this guy—this new guy, who didn’t even like her—constantly. What was so special about him that made her reject me? Rejection. It doesn’t always mean that something is wrong with you. Not physically, anyway.

Somehow, I pulled myself out of that ditch. Despite all of the contusions and abrasions..the broken bones, and the herniated organ in my chest. Once all of that healed, I realized I was selling myself short. I stopped whining about how the whole fiasco was unfair and started to love myself, more than ever. I didn’t wait for someone to pull me out of my dark place and dust me off to fix all that was wrong. I just needed to have heart.

The negativity..the lack of self love and appreciation..the lack of confidence. All of that can be sensed and is far worse than any physical “ugliness”. I am an ugly mofo, maybe I’m even average, who knows. I don’t really care, but I know one thing is for sure. Nothing about me has changed physically besides my body. But I know that alone isn’t enough to swoon anyone. And my luck has changed significantly. Of course I still get rejected, but it isn’t the end of the world.

Of course there are people, both men and women, who want someone they find attractive. And yes that might kill your chances, but why kill your chances even more by being negative?

Here comes the hypocrisy..

All we can do is better ourselves. That’s all we’ve got. Why compare yourself to the next guy or gal when we’re all so different? Why? So what if that guy can pull x amount of women in a week and you can’t? Or if she gets married before you do? Or whatever it is that may bother you? Everyone’s got different attributes, a different path they took, different advantages, different genes, and so on. You work with what you got and you improve on that. You make it better. Because what’s your other option?

I know I’m guilty of this myself. “that guy is only x amount of years older than me, younger than me, my age, and he’s already a paramedic/emt/firefighter/[insert some profession here]” So what? I don’t know that kid’s background, what he put in, or what path he took. I should use that to drive me, not bring me down. The same with weightlifting, “that guy is my height and my weight, maybe give or take a few pounds, how does he look like that and I don’t?” Who needs a motivational poster or quote when you have that?

I realize the hypocrisy in that. Not everyone can look at things as a challenge or as motivation. And it’s not always so easy to not beat yourself down.

And my words are just that, just words. You can’t fix what doesn’t need to be fixed, right?

Back ON it. Had a mini-session last night at the gym. I've lost quite a bit of strength..pretty sad, but I'll get back to where I was and then some in no time. Nothing but a peanut. Tried front squats for the first time. Felt like a party all night, yesss.

 

Oh, I forgot that I stumbled upon another Taylor Lautner thread. And it's official, I'm gonna stop hounding this guy. Kid got kinda big, I have to admit.

He has such a nice body..

but I refuse to conform and swoon over him, the publicity over him and robert pattinson is ridiculous.

They're just people - I honestly don't get it.

Sorry, i'm ranting in your journal.

He has such a nice body..

 

but I refuse to conform and swoon over him, the publicity over him and robert pattinson is ridiculous.

 

They're just people - I honestly don't get it.

 

Sorry, i'm ranting in your journal.

 

He honestly wasn't that big before. Then BAM he ate the governator's leftovers with his dna all over 'em or something. But yes, I give him props, he paid his dues and it shows.

 

Don't be sorry! I hated hearing about this guy so much. *holds up a mug* to ranting! cheers.

I don't know how I feel anymore. About anything.

He honestly wasn't that big before. Then BAM he ate the governator's leftovers with his dna all over 'em or something. But yes, I give him props, he paid his dues and it shows.

 

Don't be sorry! I hated hearing about this guy so much. *holds up a mug* to ranting! cheers.

mug of what?

because I could use something strong.

meh, cheers!