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Thread: Trust issues.. this is gonna be long.

  1. #1
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    Trust issues.. this is gonna be long.

    Sooo.. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 4 years. He’s a truck driver. So he’s on the road a lot. I get to see him a couple times per week.

    I broke up with him in March. We were broken up a few weeks, and spent the night together a few weeks later.

    While he was sleeping, i picked up his phone and found a notification for “plenty of fish” i was fuming.. but i tried to maintain my composure because we were broken up.

    I couldn’t though, i confronted him about it. And i searched the website until i found the profile. Upon finding the profile, i seen a picture of him and another woman! And i knew when abouts the picture was taken because of the clothes he was wearing. It was from a previous time we’d broken up.. (i know, i know.. but it was 2 years ago) i lost my ever loving mind.. I confronted him about it.. he told me everything. We were still broken up, and he STILL HAD THE FREAKING PLENTY OF FISH. I felt like he was trying to move on too fast. We stayed broken up but maintained a “fwb” kind of thing. Finally, the plenty of fish got to me too much. I told him I was going to move on, because clearly that’s what he was doing. He deleted it immediately.. again, we maintained a “fwb” type of thing.

    My anxiety got to me one day, i decided to check for him on plenty of fish in another state that he frequents on the road.

    There is was. He’d done it again (wow.. writing all this makes me feel unbelievably stupid.)

    I called him and told him i never wanted to speak to him again.

    He begged me to let him fix it. After some convincing.. i told him, fine.. that he could try. But I didn’t think it would work.

    , i was so hurt i just wanted him to fix it.

    I told him I didn’t think he could.

    This was a few weeks ago.

    I’d really like for things to work out.. if it were a case where we were together and this had happened, i’d be so far gone.

    But now i’m left with all of these negative feelings. And trust issues. And I’m really hard on him. I’m becoming toxic, i think. I insult him a lot. Im just so angry.

    My OCD has kicked in, & now i search for him everyday on multiple platforms 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ This is emotionally draining. And sending my anxiety into a tizzy.

    I love him, and i don’t really feel like he would cheat. But I continue to search, and if I don’t i become so anxious...

    How do i stop the searching?

    How do i heal?

  2. #2
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    Everyone has their ways of healing straight out of a relationship. Some people can be over somebody the next week (not saying that’s what he is) but just because he’s “moved on” doesn’t mean you should do the same thing. People tend to move from one relationship to the next without giving themselves enough time to heal and get over the past. If you are not ready for another relationship then DO NOT. it will only cause more pain. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

    When you continue to give someone chance after chance they become comfortable and think you’ll just keep forgiving them. You need to be strong and know your self worth, you do not deserve this. If you really think he’s capable of being faithful to you and you think things can work out then he needs to earn your trust, with out trust you will never stop searching.

    If he can not be continues to do the same things then you need to let it go. focus on yourself and your mental health and focus on the people and things that are more important to you. Take time for yourself and don’t let anymore make you feel less than what you know your worth.

  3. #3
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    How many times do you have to break up, before you realize that you are not compatible? You do not trust him, that means there is no relationship.

    You should not be playing detective with your partner. End it.

  4. #4
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    This relationship is dead in the water, OP.

    The chances that you two can come back from all of this resentment and drama are slim-to-none. Sometimes it's best to just walk away and move to healthier pastures.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    You don't get to break off a relationship with someone and then turn around and tell them what to do. FWB relationships with an ex never work out because one or both parties expects more than what that level of involvement entails.

    If you want to continue to be used for sex and comfort while he plays the field, by all means continue with him. Eventually you're going to break, actually cut him off, and feel pretty f-ing stupid though.

    You should take away from this situation that breaking up with someone to manipulate them is not an effective or healthy way of managing relationship conflict.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    Way too much drama. If you were broke up, what he was doing really was not your business... hard as that is to believe or understand you need to see it from HIS POV also. Maybe he was lonely and just looking. You said it was “too soon” for him to move on. For who?? You or him?? You can’t decide that for someone else.

    As for the snooping and stalking..again, you are broken up and really you have no business looking at what he’s doing . Turn that energy inward toward yourself and stop focusing on him. You can’t police his life or activities... Even if you were together, it’s wrong and will suffocate the life out of a relationship.

    I think this relationship is better off done .

  8. #7
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    Some people go online the day after breaking up for a form of self validation. That they are still worthwhile to others, still attractive, to gain attention to feel temporarily better within themselves.
    That’s what he did. He didn’t instantly dismiss the time he spent with you or stop caring instantaneously like the conclusion you have jumped to. And likely just deactivated the profile and reactivated it again!
    No big deal!!!

    No one is ever fwb’s with an ex.
    It’s exes sleeping with each other because one or other or both is still wanting the relationship.

    And to even think you are having a fwb thing with your ex is simply you wanting the relationship to work with resolving the real issue at hand. Which is NOT his Pof profile but the reason you have broken up a few times that had NOTHING to do with his Pof profile.

    So, why have you broken up a few times? What were the issues that went unresolved?

  9. #8
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    Sorry - I think you are making YOURSELF crazy.

    Either you are in a relationship or you are not.

    If you are not and you are only FWB, he can (and should?) talk to all the girls he wants. He can have a profile. You don’t get to be judgy on how fast he has moved on. It’s very unreasonable to say to someone “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you but I don’t want you to be in a relationship with anyone else”. I get why you find it hurtful... but you are turning it into “trust issues” and turning yourself inside out being an investigator over something he is 100% in his right to do. You are attributing all sorts of meaning to it... but it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care or he doesn’t want to be together or whatever... it simply means he’s single. Which he is.

    Otherwise, just be in a relationship. THEN you get to reasonably be upset if he has a profile, etc.

    You are either in a relationship or you are not. This “middle ground” of having expectations but not even being in a relationship is confusing and not clear for anybody.

    I think you need to decide if you are all in or all out. The middle never works.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Stop seeing him and go no contact. Delete and block him from all social media and messaging apps. He's dating others/sleeping around, why jump in that circus?
    Originally Posted by sbeezii
    I broke up with him in March. We were broken up a few weeks, and spent the night together a few weeks later.

    While he was sleeping, i picked up his phone and found a notification for “plenty of fish” i was fuming.

  11. #10
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    Thanks for not being aggressive & judgy.. i feel a few people on this thread are. Maybe I didn’t explain it right? It was 2 different profiles. I thought we were working things out, but i guess we weren’t on the same page.

    The reason we’ve broken up in the past is because we didn’t get much time together. I feel like he didn’t make as much effort as me in spending time and nurturing a relationship. He always said he did as much as he could but his line of work leaves him very little time for anything.. but that he was trying.

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