People who don't want kids = wrong?

I don't go on and on ablout this all the time, I just saw a discussion on this subject on another site that got me thinking. I may be young but I decided long ago that I wouldn't have children. My reasons include having a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (as I have mentioned elsewhere, I even have nightmares about it), feeling claustrapobic when picturing motherhood, a short temper and lack of patience, depression and anxiety issues, wanting things from life which would be harder with a child there and being someone who seriously cannot cope without enough time to herself. I don't hate kids, I would much rather be a nice auntie than a mother though. I don't believe it's what life has intended for me (well, biology has but mentally I don't think I'm mother material).

I'd like to get married one day, and I do have a wonderful boyfriend. He said to me we'll wait and see if we're together in about ten years, as he would never dream of having kids before then anyway, and if I still feel the same way then we'll just do something else with our lives together. If we get to that point and he is adament on having kids all of a sudden while I'm not then it'd mean we were not meant to be really in the end.

I totally understand why many people do want children. The love a parent has for their child in my eyes is the strongest love there is. People may want to experience that special kind of love for themselves. People may want to live out all the big events in a child's life they'd experience. People may want to shape someoen and watch them go out into the world with all they've given them and watch them make them proud. I never ever talk down on other women for wanting children, as long as you raise your kids to be good citizens and to have manners then I have no problems.

But I have seen some really patronising and annoying comments including

*Oh you'll change your mind when you're older.

*All women want to have babies at some point.

*Don't you want to pass down your genes?

*You'll end up having five kids, I know it. Just you wait.

*How could you not want kids? That's weird!

*What'll you do when your boyfriend/husband says he wants kids?

And some downright rude comments

*You're not fulfilling your duty as a woman by not having kids.

*You're not fulfiling your debt to society by not having kids.

*Women are designed to be nurturers so therefore you're unnatural.

*You're going to die alone.

*Because of people like you our country's native people will die out as immigrants are filling most of the population now.

*God you should just be glad your mother didn't share your views!

*Your life is going to be empty and meaningless, it's kind of sad really.

*Ugh you feminists are ruining society!

*People like you mean that *my* kids are going to have to pay for you when you reach old age instead.

*People like you are selfish and letting down your genetic train that's been going for thousands of years.

*You're just selfish, you don't want kids because you'd rather be able to go out and get drunk every night rather than be a responsible parent.

I just think this is rude. I respect the choices of others but they're so rude about mine. Who knows, maybe in ten years will change and I may have a child or two. I can't predict the future. However I feel it is unlikely. Why do some people refuse to accept that life can be just as rewarding without children. It just depends on who you are and how you feel about children. I think parenthood is not the right path for everyone and those who don't have kids are not to be pitied as their lives are just as fulfilling *to them*. Some people's lives would be empty without children, and these are the people that *do* go on to have children. Those who want kids but are unable to have my sympathies as that's very tragic for them

I just think nobody should be socially pressured into having kids. I think being childfree is much better than people like myself having children and neglecting them.

I am curious to find out what people here make of this. What is your stance on parenthood personally and what are your opinions on people who decide they don't ever want to be parents?

Ah... no children? You are "child free," not "child less."

It's not for everyone, and plenty that get talked into it regret it later.

And on the other hand, many were born to it.

You just have to pick the path you want to follow.

But those who try to guilt the ones who elect to remain child free? Give it a rest. It's not the same as eating live puppies, just b/c someone doesn't want to have children That's what I got for most of my life, even after I adopted.

I agree with you 100%. Parenthood is a choice, not a requirement for a fruitful life.

People should only have children if they really want them. Otherwise the kids suffer and the parents suffer.

If people decide kids aren't right for them then that's just fine. There's no requirement that someone has to be a parent in order to live a perfectly happy and joyful life.

Ah... no children? You are "child free," not "child less."

 

It's not for everyone, and plenty that get talked into it regret it later.

 

And on the other hand, many were born to it.

 

You just have to pick the path you want to follow.

 

But those who try to guilt the ones who elect to remain child free? Give it a rest. It's not the same as eating live puppies, just b/c someone doesn't want to have children That's what I got for most of my life, even after I adopted.

I know it's silly but I feel too that "childless" is showing that such people are lacking something which I don't believe is true when people make the active choice not to have them. I sometimes worry though that I'll get overly sensitive mothers yelling at me for saying "childfree" as if I'm making out children to be a disease or something. I don't see it in that way but I see my words twisted a lot. I didn't know what responses I'd get here so I played safe

Also I think it's great you adopted I always found the idea of adoption a much more possible idea. I once again don't think I'll ever want to be a mother, but I think I am more likely to adapt to adopting a young child/pair of siblings than having a biological baby of my own.

Thanks for your responses so far everyone.

I just spent the day at the State Fair.

I can't even begin to tell you how GLAD I am I never had children....and that was a decision I made when I was, oh, 15-16. That was about a decade before I discovered I was pretty much infertile anyway (PCOS).

I dunno...it's been so long since someone's commented on my choice I can't remember what snappy reply I liked to use....

But knowing me it was some very smart-ass remark meant to convey the message that it was none of their business and not up for discussion.

I'm happily childfree. People tell me I'll change my mind when I meet the right guy but my right guy will also not want kids.

My sister is having a baby in november and I'm ridiculously excited. I'm going to be super aunt! So I obviously don't hate kids and I'm not evil. But I think I'm just getting the best of both worlds with my nephew: I get to be fun and have fun but I get to give it back to them and they have to be more responsible for it. I'm ok with that!

I think pregnancy is so gross. I just don't want to go through it. There's nothing beautiful about it to me at all. I can't help that. I'm not evil for it.

I've always said I'd adopt if I ever had kids. Even as a small child I was saying that. I never wanted to do the pregnant thing.

I've been thinking lately if I will actually change my mind, but even still if I do, I will adopt. Too many kids need homes. Plus with the well being of our planet dwindling, why wouuld I want to bring anothjer human to help destroy it more?

In response to whenm people call mme selfish for not wanrting kids, I just tell them it's less selfish to not have kids than to have a kid and be a selfish parent b/c then only the kid suffers.

It's no one's business if you don't want kids. Just tell them point blank "it's my decision and I'd appreciate if you allowed it to be my decision" and then change the subject.

My sister is very accepting of my desire not to have kids. So is my dad. My sister even invited me to be with her in her delivery b/c I'll still be able to experience childbirth and see what it's like, so that way I won't feel like I'm "missing out" on anything.

Don't sweat it. There are a lot of people like you. There are lots of threads about it too already. I'll see if I can dig some up in case those same people don't respond!

It can be tremendously satisfying to know that you are filling a void in a child's life... that would not otherwise be taken care of if you weren't there There can never be too much love in the world... so if you have extra to give, being a big brother or sister or adopting or even just mentoring an at-risk youth is an amazing contribution to make.

So for those of you who don't want to bake one in the oven, there are A LOT of alternatives that can be just as satisfying and less life- (and body-) altering... just sayin'...

the negative comments are likely a reflection of the women in question. they feel the need to attack because they feel inadequate themselves. they feel that the only way for them to be fulfilled is through having children...and to encounter a woman who doesn't share that need for fulfillment in that sense is threatening...it makes them question who they are.

be grateful that you're not searching for salvation in a role.

what an interesting post by the way.

cheers

oh and we're "childfree", not "childless". "Childless" makes it sound like we're suffering. "childfree" means we're actually just free of children. much more liberating!

I think it's great that you know your own mind so firmly on this subject. I have kids and have never regretted it for a minute, but I respect 100% the decision of those who choose not to.

And those who make condescending remarks about it? Just plain rude. They're probably the same people asking cohabiting couples when they're going to get married.

*You're not fulfilling your duty as a woman by not having kids.

Being a woman has nothing to do with having kids. I don't have a "duty" to do anything. I do as please.

*You're not fulfiling your debt to society by not having kids.

The world is overcrowded as it is. I am probably doing society a favor by not having kids.

*Women are designed to be nurturers so therefore you're unnatural.

I'd like to think so. I'm not nurturing at all, there's nothing maternal about me.

*You're going to die alone.

Obviously. And I care because? Once I am dead it won't matter anyways.

*Because of people like you our country's native people will die out as

immigrants are filling most of the population now.

Well I am an immigrant. lol

*God you should just be glad your mother didn't share your views!

Well, to be honest I never asked to be born. If she never would have had me I wouldn't be aware of the fact because I never would have been born obviously.

*Your life is going to be empty and meaningless, it's kind of sad really.

Meaning in life to me is not determined by children. I don't see how that would give my life "meaning". I like the freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want. I don't want to dedicate my life to raising some child.

*Ugh you feminists are ruining society!

No comment?

*People like you mean that *my* kids are going to have to pay for you when you reach old age instead.

I am successful and I will have enough in investments to live very well when I am of old age. I am not of low or average income. Most likely I earn more than *your* kids and I will pay more taxes throughout my lifetime than they do anyways. Don't worry, I won't need SSI or even one penny from *your* kids.

*People like you are selfish and letting down your genetic train that's been going for thousands of years.

Nothing wrong with being selfish.

*You're just selfish, you don't want kids because you'd rather be able to go out and get drunk every night rather than be a responsible parent.

I don't drink actually but to be honest I would rather go shopping and travel and buy things for myself rather than be a responsible parent.

oh and we're "childfree", not "childless". "Childless" makes it sound like we're suffering. "childfree" means we're actually just free of children. much more liberating!

 

Oh I completely agree I was just playing it safe some people interpret "childfree" to be saying that having children is some sort of horrible shameful thing and I know it's not meant that way at all.

 

At Jackie100, I love your comments, it's completley true! I hate hearing all those things as it's just plain rude. I don't question people who do want kids and I respect polite and good parents out there. I agree with all your responses, and I too could end up an immigrant if I one day to my boyfriend's country (we're debating how that'll go down when the time comes XD England vs Denmark!)

I had a vasectomy in my early 20s and at 56 I don't regret it. Some people just know they don't wanna be parents. I love kids, but I also love okapis and elephants. You can't always own what you love.

You don't need to conform.

Ok that's all I've got for now. those are just the ones I've subscribed to. But it is all about the same thing you posted about!

I could have written that original post myself. This is exactly how I feel.

One thing I can't understand is why some people think being childfree is selfish? How can you be selfish towards something that doesn't even exist?

I could have written that original post myself. This is exactly how I feel.

 

One thing I can't understand is why some people think being childfree is selfish? How can you be selfish towards something that doesn't even exist?

Apparently we're selfish towards society

Wow, I love this thread, I too could have written that post, it is exactly how I felt from a very young age...parenting is the hardest job in the world and admire people who do it, but it's not for me, even though my body seems mad at me for not procreating,lol, I can feel that primitive urge to procreate, it's weird...

The thing is no one has made rude comments to me about it as you listed, in fact, most women who have children that I discuss it with, tell me I made the right choice..I think they feel comfortable sharing with me how hard it is and they encourage my choice.

I love on all my girlfriends kids, and I'm an auntie and love them so much, it's so overwhelming receiving the love of a child, I get all teary that they love me so much when I didn't do anything but exist, good stuff, and you get to give them back, lol

As much as I always wanted kids and as much as having my first child at age 42 fulfilled that dream a thousand fold, I have always understood and respected those people who choose not to have kids - especially given societal pressures on women to have kids.

I will add a potentially controversial comment to the mix - one thing I discovered while pregnant and after I gave birth was that I was treated better by strangers when it came to things like giving me a seat on the bus, holding doors open for me, offering to help with heavy/bulky packages, etc.

And, well, wrong though it may be, while I am VERY appreciative of that kind of "preferential" treatment I also feel like I deserve it to a degree. When I was pregnant I felt that way because I felt very tired and fragile and it was akin to a disability (well, it is considered one for certain purposes although I chose that disability).

Now that I have a baby I feel that way because there is a part of me that thinks that since it takes a village to raise a child, people should go out of their way a little bit to help a mom who is trying to get a stroller up a step or off a high curb, or who is trying to juggle the baby and packages. I went out of my way countless times in those situations before I had children and I continue to do so as much as I can.

But, there is a part of me that knows this is silly - I chose to have a child, I get joy out of it, so why do I deserve preferential treatment? I never felt I deserved preferential treatment at any other time in my life and indeed I fought for everything I achieved. I don't act on this feeling meaning I don't ask for preferential treatment (other than, for example, asking people to let me use the curb cut with the stroller).

 

The thing is no one has made rude comments to me about it as you listed, in fact, most women who have children that I discuss it with, tell me I made the right choice..I think they feel comfortable sharing with me how hard it is and they encourage my choice.

 

I love on all my girlfriends kids, and I'm an auntie and love them so much, it's so overwhelming receiving the love of a child, I get all teary that they love me so much when I didn't do anything but exist, good stuff, and you get to give them back, lol

 

this is the same with me. i love my friends' kids so much. i'm nuts about them! i get so excited to see them and new pictures and stuff. i love them!

 

a friend of mine has a 3 year old. every time my friend calls me, most of the phone conversation is "Olivia! Come here NOW! Stop it! Go put on yoru shoes! YES YOU WILL" and then Olivia screaming "NO!" and crying in the background. I don't mind it...it just reaffirms my decision and my friend knows that haha. She always says "Be glad you don't have kids!" She loves her daughter but her husband is in the military and overseas so she's doing most of it alone and it's stressful for her. so she fully supports my decision...

I am a mother of 4 children and now 5 grandsons...and believe you me being pregnant was NOT fun, but I have to say when I look at my children and see how much they look like me it's truly amazing.

To me it's not the kids who are the real pain in the butt, it's the person you have them with and the parents of your SO...always trying to butt in and give their advice. I feel like shut up ! If I can have these babies in my body for 9 long months and give birth I don't need anyone to butt in how to change their darn diapers.

I know alot of my co-workers men and women who don't have children nor want them and I applaud those who don't because why bring a defenseless human being into the world for the sake of having a kid...I say honestly, if you don't want kids then don't have them and never let anyone make you feel bad for not wanting them, because they are not going to be up every 2 hours breastfeeding them, changing diapers, worrying if they have a temp, or they are screaming bloody murder when they start cutting teeth...and the free time you have for yourself goes right out the window, along with your checkbook.

Nah that's not controversial that's just manners. The only time I would ever not give a struggling mother my seat on the bus was if she barked at me to get up. I will not go out of my way to help *rude* mothers but there are pleanty of good and decent mums out there who'd appreciate a little kindness

It's nowhere even close to being wrong. You have the right to live your life they way you see fit. I myself don’t want kids.

Main reasons being:

1) I certainly wouldn't make a good father.

2) I don’t like kids and I find the majority to be annoying.

3) I honestly don't believe I have enough good genes worthy of being passed on.

4) Financial reasons.

If more people would plan having kids and just simply stop and think * * * they are doing, the planet would have a short and more happy human population. I cringe at the thought of some country’s population especially China and India.

Thanks for the responses from the childfree and the parents alike. It's nice to see this matter being discussed with respect to both sides

Something else I've heard from men (not all men, I've seen some reply here and you're great! ) is that "Oh well you're a woman you'll naturally get that instinct, you can't argue with biology."

I hate these remarks. Sure, many women do get that want to have kids but it's not a guarenteed thing. People claiming they know your own mind more than you do. I find it so patronising and offensive. As if a woman is incomplete if she hasn't had children. The only man who should ever worry about my choice not to have kids is my boyfriend. Not all women fit this stereotype for our gender. Biology intended a lot of things that we don't follow. Humans have also developed traits that the other animals don't or don't have quite to our level, even when it comes to reproduction. We as humans don't (usually) go out and start reproducing as young as we can and have baby after baby with various different mates. We wait for times suited to us, we plan how many children we want if any, we find someone we believe will be there with us through it all. We have already changed so much about reproduction so women not wanting children isn't really so shocking.

"My reasons include having a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (as I have mentioned elsewhere, I even have nightmares about it), feeling claustrapobic when picturing motherhood, a short temper and lack of patience, depression and anxiety issues, wanting things from life which would be harder with a child there and being someone who seriously cannot cope without enough time to herself. I don't hate kids, I would much rather be a nice auntie than a mother though. I don't believe it's what life has intended for me (well, biology has but mentally I don't think I'm mother material)."

well it sounds like you really dont need to have children anyway. so not wanting them shouldnt be much of an issue.

after your explination i'd respect your view on that.

no one can tell you its right for you if you know its not.