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Thread: People who don't want kids = wrong?

  1. #1
    ~Unknown~
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    People who don't want kids = wrong?

    I don't go on and on ablout this all the time, I just saw a discussion on this subject on another site that got me thinking. I may be young but I decided long ago that I wouldn't have children. My reasons include having a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (as I have mentioned elsewhere, I even have nightmares about it), feeling claustrapobic when picturing motherhood, a short temper and lack of patience, depression and anxiety issues, wanting things from life which would be harder with a child there and being someone who seriously cannot cope without enough time to herself. I don't hate kids, I would much rather be a nice auntie than a mother though. I don't believe it's what life has intended for me (well, biology has but mentally I don't think I'm mother material).

    I'd like to get married one day, and I do have a wonderful boyfriend. He said to me we'll wait and see if we're together in about ten years, as he would never dream of having kids before then anyway, and if I still feel the same way then we'll just do something else with our lives together. If we get to that point and he is adament on having kids all of a sudden while I'm not then it'd mean we were not meant to be really in the end.

    I totally understand why many people do want children. The love a parent has for their child in my eyes is the strongest love there is. People may want to experience that special kind of love for themselves. People may want to live out all the big events in a child's life they'd experience. People may want to shape someoen and watch them go out into the world with all they've given them and watch them make them proud. I never ever talk down on other women for wanting children, as long as you raise your kids to be good citizens and to have manners then I have no problems.

    But I have seen some really patronising and annoying comments including:

    *Oh you'll change your mind when you're older.
    *All women want to have babies at some point.
    *Don't you want to pass down your genes?
    *You'll end up having five kids, I know it. Just you wait.
    *How could you not want kids? That's weird!
    *What'll you do when your boyfriend/husband says he wants kids?

    And some downright rude comments:

    *You're not fulfilling your duty as a woman by not having kids.
    *You're not fulfiling your debt to society by not having kids.
    *Women are designed to be nurturers so therefore you're unnatural.
    *You're going to die alone.
    *Because of people like you our country's native people will die out as immigrants are filling most of the population now.
    *God you should just be glad your mother didn't share your views!
    *Your life is going to be empty and meaningless, it's kind of sad really.
    *Ugh you feminists are ruining society!
    *People like you mean that *my* kids are going to have to pay for you when you reach old age instead.
    *People like you are selfish and letting down your genetic train that's been going for thousands of years.
    *You're just selfish, you don't want kids because you'd rather be able to go out and get drunk every night rather than be a responsible parent.

    I just think this is rude. I respect the choices of others but they're so rude about mine. Who knows, maybe in ten years will change and I may have a child or two. I can't predict the future. However I feel it is unlikely. Why do some people refuse to accept that life can be just as rewarding without children. It just depends on who you are and how you feel about children. I think parenthood is not the right path for everyone and those who don't have kids are not to be pitied as their lives are just as fulfilling *to them*. Some people's lives would be empty without children, and these are the people that *do* go on to have children. Those who want kids but are unable to have my sympathies as that's very tragic for them .

    I just think nobody should be socially pressured into having kids. I think being childfree is much better than people like myself having children and neglecting them.
    I am curious to find out what people here make of this. What is your stance on parenthood personally and what are your opinions on people who decide they don't ever want to be parents?

  2. #2
    spinstermanquee
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    Ah... no children? You are "child free," not "child less."

    It's not for everyone, and plenty that get talked into it regret it later.

    And on the other hand, many were born to it.

    You just have to pick the path you want to follow.

    But those who try to guilt the ones who elect to remain child free? Give it a rest. It's not the same as eating live puppies, just b/c someone doesn't want to have children That's what I got for most of my life, even after I adopted.

  3. #3
    waveseer
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    I agree with you 100%. Parenthood is a choice, not a requirement for a fruitful life.

  4. #4
    avman
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    People should only have children if they really want them. Otherwise the kids suffer and the parents suffer.

    If people decide kids aren't right for them then that's just fine. There's no requirement that someone has to be a parent in order to live a perfectly happy and joyful life.

  5. #5
    ~Unknown~
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    Quote Originally Posted by spinstermanquee [Register to see the link]
    Ah... no children? You are "child free," not "child less."

    It's not for everyone, and plenty that get talked into it regret it later.

    And on the other hand, many were born to it.

    You just have to pick the path you want to follow.

    But those who try to guilt the ones who elect to remain child free? Give it a rest. It's not the same as eating live puppies, just b/c someone doesn't want to have children That's what I got for most of my life, even after I adopted.
    I know it's silly but I feel too that "childless" is showing that such people are lacking something which I don't believe is true when people make the active choice not to have them. I sometimes worry though that I'll get overly sensitive mothers yelling at me for saying "childfree" as if I'm making out children to be a disease or something. I don't see it in that way but I see my words twisted a lot. I didn't know what responses I'd get here so I played safe

    Also I think it's great you adopted I always found the idea of adoption a much more possible idea. I once again don't think I'll ever want to be a mother, but I think I am more likely to adapt to adopting a young child/pair of siblings than having a biological baby of my own.

    Thanks for your responses so far everyone.
    Last edited by ~Unknown~; 08-02-2009 at 09:17 PM.

  6. #6
    shes2smart
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    I just spent the day at the State Fair.

    I can't even begin to tell you how GLAD I am I never had children....and that was a decision I made when I was, oh, 15-16. That was about a decade before I discovered I was pretty much infertile anyway (PCOS).

    I dunno...it's been so long since someone's commented on my choice I can't remember what snappy reply I liked to use....

    But knowing me it was some very smart-ass remark meant to convey the message that it was none of their business and not up for discussion.

  7. #7
    hers
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    I'm happily childfree. People tell me I'll change my mind when I meet the right guy but my right guy will also not want kids.

    My sister is having a baby in november and I'm ridiculously excited. I'm going to be super aunt! So I obviously don't hate kids and I'm not evil. But I think I'm just getting the best of both worlds with my nephew: I get to be fun and have fun but I get to give it back to them and they have to be more responsible for it. I'm ok with that!

    I think pregnancy is so gross. I just don't want to go through it. There's nothing beautiful about it to me at all. I can't help that. I'm not evil for it.

    I've always said I'd adopt if I ever had kids. Even as a small child I was saying that. I never wanted to do the pregnant thing.

    I've been thinking lately if I will actually change my mind, but even still if I do, I will adopt. Too many kids need homes. Plus with the well being of our planet dwindling, why wouuld I want to bring anothjer human to help destroy it more?

    In response to whenm people call mme selfish for not wanrting kids, I just tell them it's less selfish to not have kids than to have a kid and be a selfish parent b/c then only the kid suffers.

    It's no one's business if you don't want kids. Just tell them point blank "it's my decision and I'd appreciate if you allowed it to be my decision" and then change the subject.

    My sister is very accepting of my desire not to have kids. So is my dad. My sister even invited me to be with her in her delivery b/c I'll still be able to experience childbirth and see what it's like, so that way I won't feel like I'm "missing out" on anything.

    Don't sweat it. There are a lot of people like you. There are lots of threads about it too already. I'll see if I can dig some up in case those same people don't respond!

  8. #8
    spinstermanquee
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    It can be tremendously satisfying to know that you are filling a void in a child's life... that would not otherwise be taken care of if you weren't there There can never be too much love in the world... so if you have extra to give, being a big brother or sister or adopting or even just mentoring an at-risk youth is an amazing contribution to make.

    So for those of you who don't want to bake one in the oven, there are A LOT of alternatives that can be just as satisfying and less life- (and body-) altering... just sayin'...

  9. #9
    90_hour_sleep
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    the negative comments are likely a reflection of the women in question. they feel the need to attack because they feel inadequate themselves. they feel that the only way for them to be fulfilled is through having children...and to encounter a woman who doesn't share that need for fulfillment in that sense is threatening...it makes them question who they are.

    be grateful that you're not searching for salvation in a role.

    what an interesting post by the way.

    cheers

  10. #10
    hers
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    oh and we're "childfree", not "childless". "Childless" makes it sound like we're suffering. "childfree" means we're actually just free of children. much more liberating!

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