Jump to content

Husband Refuses to Get a Job


LoraLou

Recommended Posts

My husand refuses to look for work. I'm so tired and can't take his excuses anymore, I think he enjoys collecting unemployment and has developed a lifestyle that he doesn't want to change. I own a small business that is very physical and lately I've been picking up more hours to offset my worry that we will run out of money. I'm physically breaking down and mentally I'm just plain scared.

 

We've talked, argued, whatever and he doesn't want to change. I've tried to explain that women depend upon security, just like he depends upon me to cook, clean and fullfill all the typical gender rolls. I've saved up some money as I knew last October his work was coming to an end which it did this April. He looks at the money as just something he can live on when the unemployment runs out. He keeps telling me he needs time to think about everything and find his way again and swears there is no work. Oh, he's taking one class through our local community college 1 day per week.

 

He thinks he wants to start doing handyman work with our neighbor who is on the verge of losing his house. When they did the bathroom floor of our house it consisted of the neighbor doing the work and my husband drinking beer.

 

Each time we discuss the subject he just says he wants a divorce. I keep saying he'll pick a divorce over 8 years together? We did draw up the paperwork a couple of weeks ago and I'm thinking of at least having an attorney review it. I do love him but have zero respect. He keeps telling me not to 'bully' him...really? Advice please!

Link to comment

I'll tell you what you do. Stop cooking for him, cleaning and whatever else. What he's doing is probably one of the most selfish things a partner can do. If he wants to divorce you because you don't want him to live off of your hard earned money while he sits at home and you work over time to make ends meet then you should really think about if this kind of man is right for you in the long run. Put your foot down and dont let him be this lazy! Seriously!

Link to comment

Love him or not, he needs to contribute to the household in some way. If not monetary, then HE should be doing laundry, cleaning, etc. since you're working and he's not.

 

No one gets a free ride in this world. Even my developmentally disabled brother has a job.

 

You mentioned you own a business. Is there some reason he's not working at that business with you? Depending on what your business is, I can see where he may not be able to help you...I mean, I do freelance voiceover work, and while my husband would be willing to help, he can't voice the auditions or actual work and he knows nothing about audio engineering....so the most he can do is help out with the bookkeeping and calculations when I have to deal with quarterly taxes. I have a part time office gig and there's a guy there whose wife owns/runs a print shop....and if she gets busy, he's often there assisting her with simple tasks after he's done with his workday. So, depending on what your business is, there may be a job there for him....or not.

 

Personally, I don't know if I could stay married to someone who I didn't respect. Lack of respect does tend to erode other positive feelings over time. And being with someone who acted like they expected me to support their laziness would have me looking for the door, too. I mean, it'd be different if your spouse had some sort of legitimate phsyical or mental condition that prevented him from working....but it sounds like he's of reasonable mental and physical abilities and choosing to take the path of least resistance.

 

BTW, I got downsized last year and was on unemployment for a whopping 6 weeks before I got my part time office gig. I couldn't stand being on unemployment. My part time gig alone doesn't pay much more than unemployment was paying me (and some weeks, less)...and I know there are people who would've passed up the job and stayed on unemployment in that situation, but I just couldn't do that. Consequently, I have a really hard time understanding or having much empathy for someone like your husband.

Link to comment

Honestly I don't know how you take it either. You've tried to talk with him and his reply is to get a divorce? That's not exactly what I'd call problem solving. You've already drawn up paperwork which hasn't seemed to motivate him either.

 

I don't think you've got a lot of choices here. Either you accept it or you divorce him. It's ok to still love someone, yet realize that a relationship together is impossible.

 

I will warn you though that if you allow this to become the "norm" where you do all the work and he isn't employed then if you were to divorce later on he could claim the need for alimony. After all, he'd state that you had set it up to be the breadwinner and he needs money from you to continue his standard of living.

Link to comment

yeah that would infuriate me.

 

There still are jobs out htere, even if they pay nothing.

 

He needs to get a paper route, anything!...so what if it is low pay???

 

And I agree with the others, if you are employed, and he isn't, HE should be doing the cooking, cleaning or contributing in some way.

Link to comment

Thank you for the advise. I really want him to 'stand up' and be a man but he doesn't seem to see the need. His father was the same way, he would work only to get by. His parents have been married for 40 years and HATE each other. I don't want to end up that way.

 

I've asked him to move out just so we can get our heads around this. Plus I'm hoping he'll wake up and see he does need to look at his life and see he should get a job to help put his family back on track. I'm 42 and goodness knows I don't want to start again.

Link to comment

I wrote a thread the other day on this subject "Women and Security", thank you for your post, as sad as it is. I completely understand how you feel, normally I try and see the conflict from both sides but I am in agreeance with you. Your post is truly what women and security is all about. No aspiration on his behalf, and no motivation is very much unacceptable. How long has he been unemployed.

Link to comment

I know this is difficult, but I think you need to prepare yourself for divorce. If he's not willing to try, you can't be willing to pick up the slack. As a first step, stop cooking and cleaning for him and move forward with the proceedings. I would bet that he mentioned divorce as a way to shut you up and control you. Let him know that you will not put up with that nonsense.

Link to comment

He's known about the pending layoff since last October that's when I really starting putting money away. He's be out of work for 3 months and is very happy with the situation.

 

In the divorce agreement I will keep the house and the $2,500 per month mortgage payment and in return he wants everything I've saved about $21,000. He even was kind enought to let me know he didn't want any payments from my business that I've worked so hard to start and make successful.

 

I'm just so hurt he will throw me away and everything we've worked for instead of just looking for employment. SIGH.......

Link to comment

I'm really sorry about what's happening between you and your husband. Honestly, I think if you care about someone, you don't treat them the way he's treating you. He's completely taking advantage of you. And he doesn't seem to have any interest in keeping the marriage together. You'd be better off on your own.

 

I've tried to explain that women depend upon security, just like he depends upon me to cook, clean and fullfill all the typical gender rolls.

 

Vehemently disagree.

Link to comment

Stop cooking for him, cleaning up after him, doing his laundry, etc. If you're working more than fulltime and he's not working at all, he should be doing all the household chores.

 

You are just enabling him to lead a comfortable life without lifting a finger in return.

Link to comment
In the divorce agreement I will keep the house and the $2,500 per month mortgage payment and in return he wants everything I've saved about $21,000. SIGH.......

 

If it were me, I wouldn't even make that concession. Invest that money in your business.

 

Do you have children?

Link to comment
  • 9 months later...
  • 1 year later...

I also share the same pain. My husband has not worked in the last one year since we've been married. He gives excuses time over time. I've been told to calm down and be patient since he is trying to get his own business started. I disagreed with him because there is no way you can start a business with no income coming in. He has never helped to pay utility bills, his kids live alone in Europe and that alone does not even push him to get a job. We have had huge arguments over this issue to the point that he even left for a day. I'm a nurse and due to my career path I do make six figure salary so he feels he does not need to work. The little I get to save goes into his hands for little "needs" that frequently pop up. I don't know what else to do and to keep my sanity I don't discuss the issue anymore to keep my mind at ease. What can I do?

Link to comment

I think that the only choice you have is to proceed with the divorce. The only thing I question is you giving him half of your savings. You are assuming a large monthly mortgage that he is also technically responsible for. How much equity is in the house? I assume you have discussed all the financial details with an attorney. I think a review of the financial offer to your soon to be ex-husband is in order.

Link to comment

Joy, I married a man who didn't like to work (didn't know that before I married him) and he found every excuse under the planet not to work. And also did his best to try to LOSE a job when he did work, so that he could again ride the unemployment train and lounge around not looking for a new job until I threatened to cut off the cable TV becuas we couldn't afford it if he wasn't working. His excuses as to why he couldn't look for work or get a job or keep a job changed over the years, but the bottom line is he really didn't want one and preferred to let me support us both. He was perfectly happy if he had a roof over his head, food on the table, and cable TV so he could watch ESPN all day. He also refused to do any kind of housework at all because that was 'woman's work' and he didn't want to be 'labelled a househusband', so i had to earn all the money, support us both AND do all the housework while he lounged around. He was pleasant when he got his way, and really nasty when he didn't so he basically bullied me into always getting his own way.

 

I lost respect for him as time went on when i realized he didn't want to be an adult but instead a perpetual teenager. I eventually divorced him after waiting (and wasting) 8 years for him to grow up and turn into an adult (which he never did). I found out later that his second wife who he was married to for 12 years also through him out eventually because he refused to work. I just wish i hadn't wasted so much time on someone so immature and selfish and such a user and I'm sure his second wife regrets it too. and I imagine he's out looking for wife #3 to support him now, as lazy users will do.

 

My suggestion would be to sit him down and tell him that you expect him to work since he is an adult, and you will not continue in the marriage if he continues to avoid work. And don't fall for the 'i'm starting my own business' routine if most of his time is spent in leisure activities and he has no real business plan or way to finance his business. Tell him he has to just get real and get a job and if he wants to start his own business, then he'll have to save up enough money to do so and not just sit around and watch you work.

 

Sadly, i think if he won't take responsibility for himself, you'll either have to accept that he will not work (and be OK with that) or else decide you don't want to support a grown man who refuses to work and divorce him. Just make sure you don't add any kids to this mix before you've decided what to do about this, because he could just use the child as a means to manipulate you. You also don't want to support him for so long that if you go to divorce him, he files for alimony saying you have always supported him and should continue to do so and files for half your savings and assets even though he has contributed nothing to them.

 

If you have a short marriage, and he has refused to work and you can prove that, then most judges will not award him alimony, though he might get half of your savings account for anything in it if it is a joint account.

Link to comment

That sounds extremely tough. I agree with a lot of the advice you've already been given. My guess is that he has sunk into depression but that is no excuse whatsoever for this kind of attitude.

 

I think the essence is what lavenderdove said:

 

My suggestion would be to sit him down and tell him that you expect him to work since he is an adult, and you will not continue in the marriage if he continues to avoid work.

 

As others have already said, you also need to stop cooking and cleaning for him. I've been the breadwinner in my household for several years and there has been no question about my H doing the majority of the housework during the week. You shouldn't even have to ask him/ tell him that.

Link to comment

You're willingness to settle for this leads me to think two things; you're either the most optimistic woman on the face of the Earth, or for some reason you don't think you'd ever find a man who will treat you any better than this. What has happened that left you so emotionally damaged you'd be willing to put up with this?

 

Divorce him. You'll be glad you did.

Link to comment

In response to the other poster, you stopping cooking and cleaning will do nothing. I'm sure this so called "husband" of yours wouldn't pick up the slack, and you'd just have a messy house. Divorce is the only option, people like this don't change and have problems stemming from childhood. You can't fix this, only a shrink can. Maybe.

Link to comment
Thank you for the advise. I really want him to 'stand up' and be a man but he doesn't seem to see the need. His father was the same way, he would work only to get by. His parents have been married for 40 years and HATE each other. I don't want to end up that way.

 

I've asked him to move out just so we can get our heads around this. Plus I'm hoping he'll wake up and see he does need to look at his life and see he should get a job to help put his family back on track. I'm 42 and goodness knows I don't want to start again.

 

 

You may love someone, but a relationship will not work if one of you does not respect the other. Right now, neither of you is respecting the other. You stated outright that you have no respect for him, and he clearly does not respect you if he does not seem to care about your feelings on this issue (or at least not enough to really do something about it)

A marriage cannot possibly thrive this way, especially since neither of you seems willing to budge on this issue. I wanted and hoped my ex-husband would " wake up and change" in some ways, but he never did. And since, like I did, you've told him outright how important this is to you and he hasn't taken that into consideration, that pretty much shows you where his head is. He doesn't care enough. IMVHO, I don't think he is going to change, no matter how much you may wish it. And to be honest, at this point I think it would be naive of you to believe he is ever going to change. So then, really, it comes down to Can you accept things as they are so you don't have to "Start again" ? If not, your only option may be divorce. Contrary to what some people think, divorce isn't always from love being gone, but often from issues like this where one person refuses to change for the better and the other cannot live that way indefinitely. My advice to you is to really take a hard look at whether or not this is something you can deal with for the rest of your life. And then weigh what kind of marriage you want against your desire to not have to "start over". All the Best !

Link to comment
  • 4 months later...

I'm so sorry to hear your situation, but its really quite common. Usually its a spouse with a sense of entitlement, often with a cash business. They prefer to relax, play golf, hang with their buddies and pretend to be President of XYZ Corp when their business is nothing more than a $15 box of business cards. If they actually worked for someone else, suddenly they are laid off and not willing to work for anyone anymore. They leave you to pick up the slack. Next step is you do. Ultimately you'll get too resentful and you'll try to throw them out. They leave for a day, get a sleazy lawyer who tells them to move back in to protect their 'rights'. You wont be able to evict him EVEN if he doesn't contribute to the bills. Its all about their rights not their responsibilities. The kids go without? Oh well they don't mind. It builds character they'll say. They grew up poor and did "fine"... Blah blah blah. Next step is their lawyer will extract tens and maybe hundreds of thousands of dollars from them (and you because you'll have to hire a different lawyer doing the same thing) turning everything into an argument. Soon he'll shut up and let his lawyer speak for him (remember that he's lazy and relies on others). You'll be frantic that you'll lose all you've worked for and value (home for you and the kids? college funds? retirement accounts?). So, if its a cash biz he had, get as many records as possible copied and put safely outside the house. Try to gather proof of what he spends on himself versus the family contributions - because ultimately its what you need to convince a judge of 'wasteful disposition of assets' and underemployment. The needle in all states starts at 50/50 split (even equitable distribution states). From there you have to convince the judge of wasteful disposition and underemployment to move that need a smidge in your favor. Try to photograph him wasting his time -- playing golf, hanging with buds, etc. and date the photos on any days he 'could have' been working but chose not to. If he spends money, be able to prove it. If you pay bills for the family/house that should be shared, keep a record of each payment and where you got the money to fund it (your work?). Have a separate checking account to prove this. Ultimately you'll be asked to give him something of the assets and he'll have lived rent and work free for years but once you are done with a divorce he'll have no choice but to stand up again. Try not to be mean -- I made that mistake. Stay calm and do the best you can to protect yourself. Natural consequences will ultimately get him but you don't need to create consequences for him. Get yourself to Al-Anon meetings cause you are a co-dependant, like many of us.

Link to comment

Wait wait wait...you are doing all the income earning AND coming home to cook and clean as well? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot???!!! That is not cool. A divorce would probably be the best thing that happened to you. That doesn't mean it's easy or something to look forward to experiencing...but sometimes it's the best option. My previous marriage was just like that. She just wanted to stay home all day and play MMOGs all day long and did nothing around the house. I got home and did laundry and cleaning and much of the cooking too when we didn't eat out. We actually ended up having to sell my newer car because she "didn't want to have to work just so we could afford a car." Aargh. I loved her too, and I really didn't want to get a divorce, but when it did finally happen it was the best thing for me and actually making some sort of progress in my life again. You definitely will be better off in the long run.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...