Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 24

Thread: Husband Refuses to Get a Job

  1. #1
    LoraLou
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Seattle, Washington
    Posts
    4
    Gender
    Female

    Husband Refuses to Get a Job

    My husand refuses to look for work. I'm so tired and can't take his excuses anymore, I think he enjoys collecting unemployment and has developed a lifestyle that he doesn't want to change. I own a small business that is very physical and lately I've been picking up more hours to offset my worry that we will run out of money. I'm physically breaking down and mentally I'm just plain scared.

    We've talked, argued, whatever and he doesn't want to change. I've tried to explain that women depend upon security, just like he depends upon me to cook, clean and fullfill all the typical gender rolls. I've saved up some money as I knew last October his work was coming to an end which it did this April. He looks at the money as just something he can live on when the unemployment runs out. He keeps telling me he needs time to think about everything and find his way again and swears there is no work. Oh, he's taking one class through our local community college 1 day per week.

    He thinks he wants to start doing handyman work with our neighbor who is on the verge of losing his house. When they did the bathroom floor of our house it consisted of the neighbor doing the work and my husband drinking beer.

    Each time we discuss the subject he just says he wants a divorce. I keep saying he'll pick a divorce over 8 years together? We did draw up the paperwork a couple of weeks ago and I'm thinking of at least having an attorney review it. I do love him but have zero respect. He keeps telling me not to 'bully' him...really? Advice please!
    Last edited by LoraLou; 08-01-2009 at 01:21 PM.

  2. #2
    Casey13
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Somewhere beautiful
    Age
    39
    Posts
    846
    Gender
    Male
    I'll tell you what you do. Stop cooking for him, cleaning and whatever else. What he's doing is probably one of the most selfish things a partner can do. If he wants to divorce you because you don't want him to live off of your hard earned money while he sits at home and you work over time to make ends meet then you should really think about if this kind of man is right for you in the long run. Put your foot down and dont let him be this lazy! Seriously!

  3. #3
    Twist Down
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    42
    You are being taken for granted, i am surprised he would bring up the topic of divorce or say he wants a divorce, what would he do without you? what would be the plan then? Don't continue to be taken advantage of.

  4. #4
    shes2smart
    Platinum Member shes2smart's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Shrine of Seven Stars
    Age
    53
    Posts
    6,509
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    83
    Love him or not, he needs to contribute to the household in some way. If not monetary, then HE should be doing laundry, cleaning, etc. since you're working and he's not.

    No one gets a free ride in this world. Even my developmentally disabled brother has a job.

    You mentioned you own a business. Is there some reason he's not working at that business with you? Depending on what your business is, I can see where he may not be able to help you...I mean, I do freelance voiceover work, and while my husband would be willing to help, he can't voice the auditions or actual work and he knows nothing about audio engineering....so the most he can do is help out with the bookkeeping and calculations when I have to deal with quarterly taxes. I have a part time office gig and there's a guy there whose wife owns/runs a print shop....and if she gets busy, he's often there assisting her with simple tasks after he's done with his workday. So, depending on what your business is, there may be a job there for him....or not.

    Personally, I don't know if I could stay married to someone who I didn't respect. Lack of respect does tend to erode other positive feelings over time. And being with someone who acted like they expected me to support their laziness would have me looking for the door, too. I mean, it'd be different if your spouse had some sort of legitimate phsyical or mental condition that prevented him from working....but it sounds like he's of reasonable mental and physical abilities and choosing to take the path of least resistance.

    BTW, I got downsized last year and was on unemployment for a whopping 6 weeks before I got my part time office gig. I couldn't stand being on unemployment. My part time gig alone doesn't pay much more than unemployment was paying me (and some weeks, less)...and I know there are people who would've passed up the job and stayed on unemployment in that situation, but I just couldn't do that. Consequently, I have a really hard time understanding or having much empathy for someone like your husband.

  5. #5
    avman
    Platinum Member avman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Minnesota
    Age
    49
    Posts
    8,710
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    221
    Honestly I don't know how you take it either. You've tried to talk with him and his reply is to get a divorce? That's not exactly what I'd call problem solving. You've already drawn up paperwork which hasn't seemed to motivate him either.

    I don't think you've got a lot of choices here. Either you accept it or you divorce him. It's ok to still love someone, yet realize that a relationship together is impossible.

    I will warn you though that if you allow this to become the "norm" where you do all the work and he isn't employed then if you were to divorce later on he could claim the need for alimony. After all, he'd state that you had set it up to be the breadwinner and he needs money from you to continue his standard of living.

  6. #6
    shikashika
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Age
    40
    Posts
    5,651
    Gender
    Female
    yeah that would infuriate me.

    There still are jobs out htere, even if they pay nothing.

    He needs to get a paper route, anything!...so what if it is low pay???

    And I agree with the others, if you are employed, and he isn't, HE should be doing the cooking, cleaning or contributing in some way.

  7. #7
    LoraLou
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Seattle, Washington
    Posts
    4
    Gender
    Female
    Thank you for the advise. I really want him to 'stand up' and be a man but he doesn't seem to see the need. His father was the same way, he would work only to get by. His parents have been married for 40 years and HATE each other. I don't want to end up that way.

    I've asked him to move out just so we can get our heads around this. Plus I'm hoping he'll wake up and see he does need to look at his life and see he should get a job to help put his family back on track. I'm 42 and goodness knows I don't want to start again.

  8. #8
    ramonymone
    Bronze Member ramonymone's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Age
    34
    Posts
    144
    Gender
    Male
    I wrote a thread the other day on this subject "Women and Security", thank you for your post, as sad as it is. I completely understand how you feel, normally I try and see the conflict from both sides but I am in agreeance with you. Your post is truly what women and security is all about. No aspiration on his behalf, and no motivation is very much unacceptable. How long has he been unemployed.

  9. #9
    Ms Darcy
    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    United States
    Age
    35
    Posts
    31,754
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    6229
    I know this is difficult, but I think you need to prepare yourself for divorce. If he's not willing to try, you can't be willing to pick up the slack. As a first step, stop cooking and cleaning for him and move forward with the proceedings. I would bet that he mentioned divorce as a way to shut you up and control you. Let him know that you will not put up with that nonsense.

  10. #10
    LoraLou
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Seattle, Washington
    Posts
    4
    Gender
    Female
    He's known about the pending layoff since last October that's when I really starting putting money away. He's be out of work for 3 months and is very happy with the situation.

    In the divorce agreement I will keep the house and the $2,500 per month mortgage payment and in return he wants everything I've saved about $21,000. He even was kind enought to let me know he didn't want any payments from my business that I've worked so hard to start and make successful.

    I'm just so hurt he will throw me away and everything we've worked for instead of just looking for employment. SIGH.......

  11.  

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Top Threads
Dealing with boyfriend's apparent mental health problems
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months. For about the first 3 we got on brilliantly, but as time has gone on his behaviour has become more
Seeing my boyfriend for the first time :P
I was on the phone with my boyfriend earlier today so while we were talking he was also talking to his cousin and, yes this is guy I lied about my
My boyfriend's wealth makes me upset?
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now, and we're best friends. Our communication is wonderful, and we have the healthiest
Don't know what to do now
I have been dating a guy since 6 months. Recently he said that we should try being friends for now and rethink of relationship in future. I told him
Found disturbing emails in boyfriend's secret account
I'm at a loss and not sure where to go from here. A few days ago before my boyfriend was to drive me to the airport for a 5 day business trip, I
He has feelings for someone else
I have been with the same man for 8 years and we are engaged to be married in just a few short months. He recently confided in me he has really
I'm not sure what to do anymore ...
I have been in a relationship with this guy for 4 months now .. with that being said we are living together and we also work at the same work place

Expert Advice
Featured Threads
I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
So my fiancÚ of 7.5 years has decided she isn't in love with me anymore so has broken up with me. Our situation is very complicated we have a 2.5
How far should I go with unfriending/blocking on social media?
Hi all, I'm going hard no contact. She originally unfriended me on Snap and Twitter. I recently unfriended her on FB and IG. I also went a step
missing atm
I think what I miss at the moment is having a friend to talk to like we used to. She became the only person I really talked to for the better part
Mum boyfriend inapropriate
Hi everyone, thought i would share an update on whats happened so far. Thankyou all for helping me out yesterday, everything you all said was really
Girlfriend always mad at me
Me and my girlfriend have been togetehr for almost a year. I love her more than anything and i know shes not cheating on me or anything like that
I [F/26] found underwear in my boyfriend's [M/30] pocket.
I've been with my boyfriend for over a year. Recently, my boyfriend asked me to look for some money, so I looked everywhere and I couldn't find it. I
Ex gf text me out of the blue
I guess I just want some feedback and honest replies as my head is completely gone again. Me and my ex gf have been in no contact for a few months
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •