Dishonesty/hiding things and a bachelor party

Hi everyone,

I've been lingering around for awhile and this will be my first post. I just don't really know how to go about this conflict in my relationship and some unbiased opinions would really help me out.

A little info- I have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years now. I really love him and we plan to make it final in the future. We get along like 2 peas in a pod and he normally is a pretty damn good guy. We live together as well. We aren't the party type of couple.

Well, he's in NC for his buddies wedding. He gave me a call after he got there. Told me they were going out to drink that night. I guess he made me believe it was kind of an "unofficial" nothing too fancy bachelor party. Well I told him to have fun and give me a call before bed. His response was, yes if I am sober enough. I thought, okay well I guess that's cool. I sat at home, started thinking... hmm...wonder what they are up to. So, as wrong as it was..... I snooped.

I looked in his email. The only other time he's hid something from me was a couple years ago when he bought something for 800$ when I could've used that to pay the mortgage instead of me paying pretty much everything. I felt like we were a team, and then he hid this and lied his pants off. He made all these excuses and I caught him in a big stupid lie blah blah blah... I just flat out forgave him. That was that. So I thought.

The groom is not into the idea of a bachelor party. He is marrying a marriage counselor and he is a very straight guy. Would never want to be pressured or even go to a strip club. Well, in the emails I found that he and his friend had been orchestrating this so called bachelor party. They went on the NC Craigslist and put out an add for an "attractive 21+" outgoing fun girl to help them keep the party alive and assist with games (whatever that means) and to help the energy so everyone will take shots. Now that right there rubbed me the wrong way! My bf cannot take chots for his life. He just says he can't. I can shoot shots and I always encourage him to do it with me. He says, " I can't, I can't". But he can take shots with some dirty girl from Craigslist. Apparently he had been accepting pictures of girls. One girl replied and he said "okay that'll do and he gave his friends info to make the arrangements". Well he normally makes fun of the craziness that is Craigslist. Next thing I know is he wants to party with one of the girls from it.

I trusted him before and I don't know if I am wrong to make this a big deal but It really hurt me. I feel like I'm not sure who he is and even if his intentions were for his friend, I lost a lot of trust in him.

I confronted him. He claimed they didn't go through with it. I poked back and stated my points. He just apologized, said he was dumb and felt stupid.

That's just not doing it for me. He found some time to go delete all his emails. Isn't it a little late for that? I printed the stuff out for our talk when he gets back sunday.

I just feel like this was pretty classless of him and disrespectful to want to make your friend feel "uncomfortable" (his words) he's not single. Well last time I checked he wasn't single either.

Well, he's acting like it's no big deal but I'm hurt and I want to handle this correctly. I feel like he can't be trusted anymore and I need to check everything he does. I know that's not a good thing but I'm not sure what else to do. I'm thinking I need to go visit my cousin who is like my sister out of town and stay with her for awhile. I feel bad for really going off on him and saying he was disgusting and what not but It was the truth.

Any suggestions, experience, insight would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!!!

It sounds like he was just messing around and being stupid. If he really had so much interest in partying it up with other chicks, why would he even be with you right now?

Try to look at it from his point of view. Think of the situation in reverse, with you planning a bachelor party for your friend. You going over pictures of males that you think she'd like to have there would be pretty harmless, right?

I'm not saying you have nothing to worry about, I'm just trying to give you a different perspective. It's not automatically a cause for alarm, is all I'm saying.

If I were in your situation, the part that would get me the most is your boyfriends disrespect for the wishes of the groom and probably the bride. Imagine how, if it were actually carried out, this would likely make the bride feel? Personally, I'd be angry if I thought my fiance was going to a harmless bachelor party, only to find out there were strippers and such characters present. It would ruin my trust in the fiance and could easily ruin the marriage. I know that's thinking a little too much into it, but I'm again, just trying to offer a perspective, not necessarily saying that's exactly how it would be.

It sounds like your boyfriend was being pretty shallow.

Well, he's acting like it's no big deal but I'm hurt and I want to handle this correctly.

It is a big deal simply because you are hurt. If he doesn't want to handle it, that to me, equates to not caring about your feelings. I would reconsider being in a relationship with him if this is the case.

I feel like he can't be trusted anymore and I need to check everything he does. I know that's not a good thing but I'm not sure what else to do. I'm thinking I need to go visit my cousin who is like my sister out of town and stay with her for awhile. I feel bad for really going off on him and saying he was disgusting and what not but It was the truth.

Your reaction is understandable.

Hello, I think it's understandable you feel hurt and it's okay to express your feelings but I think you treat him like you are responsible of his actions which is not the case.

You don't have to check on him or judge his behaviour, you either accept it or you don't, he won't change and he still has a right to do things you won't know about. If you disagree and find some of those things disrespectful (and it really was) you dump him and find a person you can fully trust.

He sounds extremely immature and perhaps that's why you think you should discuss his actions but like I said, a relationship is not about you becoming the person that's going to be constantly worried about what he could be getting into.

It's a very good idea to consider leaving for a while, think about how you work on handling problems, it's of course great when everything in a relationship goes perfectly but it can't be the same all the time and when issues appear you have to be able to sort them together.

Thank you all for advice. We have had a pretty drama free 3.5 years together and rarely ever argue for more than 10 mins., so this is pretty upsetting to me. He is a good guy, he really is. He's responsible, sweet, intelligent and treats me well. So you can clearly see why this just really surprised the heck out of me. Though I think he just didn't think and peer pressure played a small role, he showed very poor judgement in his actions. We will sit and talk, I think I may ask him what he thinks should be done instead of me going bonkers. I don't want to leave him, that's not what I want. I want a full explanation, a sincere apology and his word not to do something I would not approve of again. We have already built a life together... own a home and we both show and work our dogs- who are everything to us. It's too much to lose and not what I want.

Thank you again!

I mean, someone has to get the stripper for a bachelor party... I'd be upset too if I found out which is probably why he didn't tell you anything about it.... Isn't that the usual thing though, people have bachelor parties and SOs don't ask about them?

I think he was just trying to get a girl for his buddy. You shouldn't have snooped.

I think he was just trying to get a girl for his buddy. You shouldn't have snooped.

I agree. There's a fair bit of indignation and condemnation of this guy's behaviour here, but I really don't think what he did was so terrible. Certainly no worse than breaking his privacy merely because you wondered "what they were up to" at the party. If I were your partner, I guarantee that your own transgression would not be glossed over - not once you made this about the (perceived) shortcomings of my own honesty, trust, fidelity, good judgment, and so forth. This whole drama is built upon a knowledge gleaned from your own breach of trust.

Ultimately, if he was cheating on you (in even a broad sense), I wouldn't much care about your snooping into his email (and thus breaching his privacy), but clearly he was not. He was trying to hire a girl for his mate's bachelor party. That's normal. Tasteful? No. Requested? Apparently not. But hardly unusual nonetheless. To be so offended, and so baleful towards your partner over this, strikes me as both over-the-top and, in this case, something of a double standard concerning trust. I see no sign of anything suspicious or worrying here, except the severity with which you judge him, whilst forgiving yourself. I recommend that you either ease up on him, or begin hammering yourself for your own mistake with equally strong moral outrage and conviction.

A different perspective...

Oh, I agree I was wrong to do that. But we are not so private as to it being a big deal to go onto each others emails. We live together and have done this on occasion for various reasons and to check things etc. He didnt care I did it. But, it was wrong of me and I feel bad. I was hard on him, I admit that. I just think extremely highly of him so this made me absolutely freak! I know he wouldn't cheat it's just I was kind of appalled at his lack of class and judgement and the fact he told me they weren't doing anything much that night where he clearly was preparing this for awhile. I know why he didn't tell me actually, because he knew it was very unbecoming of himself and I would be upset. So if he knew it would be something I strongly dissapproved of, why would he do it???

Why do that to your friend you know doesn't want it!?

Also, I just realized something. He'd been telling me for days what a pain this wedding is and all the money he has to spend to go up there but he's doing it because he's his best friend. Well, I saw in the emails him and his other friend had been telling each other, "this weekends gonna be crazy, good times" and so on back and forth.

Why act that way? I just do not understand. I asked him tonight if he was behaving himself and he replied "of course, I have enough explaining to do when I get home"..........

I just can't get closure in my head.

Thanks for replies

Guys are like that when they are hanging with their buddies. He's not going to be like "oh dude, this wedding is a pain, I'd rather stay home with my girlfriend and have her scratch my belly while I eat some chicken and she plucks my eyebrows".

It doesn't necessarily means that he is looking forward to that partying and what not.. just let it go. Strippers are common at Bachelor parties.. so why worry?

And as to the fact that his friend didn't want it, well, I'm sure he wouldn't mind it. I know it's silly but it reminds me of a scene of Friends, when Joey organizes Ross' bachelor party and he hires a stripper even though he tells him to not, and Ross ends up liking it. I don't know.

Just let it go If your relationship is otherwise good, there's no need to linger on this.

If I were in your situation, the part that would get me the most is your boyfriends disrespect for the wishes of the groom and probably the bride. Imagine how, if it were actually carried out, this would likely make the bride feel? Personally, I'd be angry if I thought my fiance was going to a harmless bachelor party, only to find out there were strippers and such characters present. It would ruin my trust in the fiance and could easily ruin the marriage. I know that's thinking a little too much into it, but I'm again, just trying to offer a perspective, not necessarily saying that's exactly how it would be.

 

It sounds like your boyfriend was being pretty shallow.

I totally agree with you that it was a shallow decision. However, that has nothing to do with the OP's relationship with her boyfriend. Yea, he was a jerk for pulling that and causing problems for another person's relationship (a minor issue), but how does this affect the OP? She doesn't need to get involved in someone else's relationship and cause drama that could end their marriage. If I were the OP, I wouldn't go far off by pointing this out because she is not 100% clear of what boundaries the other couple has established. Plus that's really not her problem- it's the groom who is the one that needs to take a firm stance and say "no strippers or I'm leaving."

Though I think he just didn't think and peer pressure played a small role, he showed very poor judgement in his actions. We will sit and talk, I think I may ask him what he thinks should be done instead of me going bonkers. I don't want to leave him, that's not what I want. I want a full explanation, a sincere apology and his word not to do something I would not approve of again.

You're making a serious demand here when you yourself are not innocent either. This will cause serious conflict between you and your boyfriend. You snooped into his own privacy when he was making contact with a person other than you. He was making plans for a BACHELOR PARTY to do with his bachelor friends. He wasn't going off and cheating behind your back- he was doing something for a friend. You had no business snooping into his plans and making a demand that he apologizes to you is very uncalled for. He will accuse you of snooping through his e-mails and this will create a LOT of trust issues between you and him later on in the relationship. It's already beginning to because you're not letting this drop.

Like I said. He knows I looked in his email and he does not hold this against me. He's the type who, if he knows he is wrong, he's not going to fight back. I'm not looking for a fight. I just want to make sure this does not happen again.

It is unacceptable to me. He is not single, not a "bachelor" in my opinion. He needs to respect me and my feelings.

My thoughts are this. If I or this relationship mean anything to you. You will not disrespect me and do something you KNOW I will dissapprove. If that's what you want to do, then you can go do things I dissapprove as a single man. There are no hiding things and dishonesty, period. That's my argument and I'm sticking to it.

I looked in his email because like I mentioned... he's hid something before (as stupid as it was). Then, also, he knew it was something I would not approve but did it anyway hoping to get away with it. When I found out, he was not angry but was apologetic and admitted his mistake.

Lets put it this way. He would not be cool had I did something of this sort. He would be upset.

Lets put it this way. He would not be cool had I did something of this sort. He would be upset.

Of course, and that's why you were not supposed to know.

Brittney, honestly your idea of relationship doesn't strike me as viable. I know exactly why he was saying to you that he is doing this bachelor party only as a duty of friendship, when in reality he was anticipating fun. He did it because he knew that you will disapprove.

You expect and demand from the other to live up to your life standards. You are not accepting the person, you want the person to match your approval. The fact that you snooped is more understandable for me than your conviction that he must apologize and promise not to do so in a future. He is not a kid. I think, everyone has a right for some fun and if the person can not have fun with you, he is free to find it somewhere else. If you can not accept it, you are free to go. However, nobody has a right to demand from another to change their lives. He has no right to demand that you should go curly and blond if your hair is straight and dark. It is for you to decide which way you want your hair. You have no right to demand that he would stop hiring a stripper secretly from you. It is for him to decide.

Besides, if you already tamed him and he was behaving well enough (like a good dog) then WHY are you surprised that he wanted to appease someone else? It is in his nature. Now he is going home and will be appeasing you. If you do not appreciate this quality of his, then stop exploiting it by laying approval/disapproval games.

He will be given his options. I am not forcing him to stay in my house. If he wishes to lead a life in which it is okay to act like a bachelor and hire a stripper or * * * * * or whatever then he may leave.

I guarantee he will stay. Thank you all for your insight into this situation. I know it may seem like not a big deal to many but I hope to marry this man in the near future and I want there to be a clear line of where I stand and the behavior that is unacceptable to me as a mate.

Thank you.