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I am telling her parents


BusyNAbroad

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I have found my way back to myself, my path, my values etc.

 

But all these months - 9 to be precise - I keep realizing one thing: that it has not been MYSELF to stay silent about it and not tell anyone directly related to her.

 

All this time we have been in NC. She didn't attempt to contact me in any way. And the last time I ever had any contact with her or her friends/family was when her mother added me on Facebook ( ). I ignored her because I wanted to keep my emotions safe in a period I was finding myself and my inner values again.

 

I have an impending feeling that I MUST tell her parents. That she was 17 (a minor in my country) when she started her affair with a married man 30 years older than her. And that she simultaneously pretended to be in a relationship with several other guys - including myself - occasionally visiting them for sex (it didn't work out with me since I had discovered part of her plan by investigating and was very uncertain the day she visited me).

 

I first mentioned my intention to a friend in common (a classmate of hers) but this friend answered "I have no idea" and found an excuse to go away as quickly as possible. This was also the first time that I told anyone she personally knows that I know the whole story about her affair games - I even mentioned the name of the 50-year old man she was/is in an affair with.

 

My only fear is that she might be able to do everything. The man is a powerful person in my country of residence (Italy), and her mother is also in a high position in our government.

I don't want to find myself trapped...

 

This is what I already told the friend "I discovered some creepy things about her, and this involves the man she was in an affair with. Should I tell her parents / her father?"

 

Please advice.

 

There are two forces in me: righteousness, the will to finally clarify things vs fear, that I might be threatened by these powerful people

 

Thanks

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I honestly think this has more to do with spite than anything else. What are you going to accomplish by telling her family besides causing major problems in her personal life? Besides, they may shoot the messenger. Leave her alone.

 

I don't know what I'm going to accomplish. It is simply my gut feeling telling me SINCE NINE MONTHS that it is the right thing to do if I am a moral and ethical Christian person.

 

Also to merely express my repressed emotions, to say what I think about the whole issue, and to take a responsible stance about the thing.

 

To relieve myself of this great burden in my head.

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I honestly think this has more to do with spite than anything else. What are you going to accomplish by telling her family besides causing major problems in her personal life? Besides, they may shoot the messenger. Leave her alone.

 

I agree. This is about a personal vendetta, not about anything else. Besides "I'm going to tell your mother" is something that children do, not adults.

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Please advice.

 

There are two forces in me: righteousness, the will to finally clarify things vs fear, that I might be threatened by these powerful people

 

Thanks

 

I think you might better describe the "righteous" force as "self-righteous." I'm not saying that this girl didn't wrong you. And I'm not guessing that her parents would be pleased to learn of her behavior. But I don't see why you think it's your place to tell them. Weird that her mom added you as a Facebook friend, yes. But I don't think that indicates a connection of any intimacy or obligation on either side.

 

I think you're motivated by revenge. You mentioned that the mutual friend you've discussed this with ended the conversation and escaped from your company as quickly as she could. I have to say that I would also keep my distance from someone who clearly is out for revenge.

 

Also, consider how you'll look: you've apparently known for nearly a year that this young woman has been conducting herself in a grossly inappropriate way, but you said nothing? It's going to be clear to everyone that you're speaking not out of concern for her, nor out of respect for her parents, but out of spitefulness. You will look petty and foolish.

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I don't know what I'm going to accomplish. It is simply my gut feeling telling me SINCE NINE MONTHS that it is the right thing to do if I am a moral and ethical Christian person.

 

Also to merely express my repressed emotions, to say what I think about the whole issue, and to take a responsible stance about the thing.

 

To relieve myself of this great burden in my head.

 

Make an appointment with a therapist and relieve yourself there.

 

What is ethical about this? Her getting what "she deserves"? That's not a moral or a Christian principle, that's revenge.

 

If you had genuinely been concerned about her welfare at the time, and concerned that she was being taken advantage of, then was the time to talk to her and possibly report this man to the police (if this was illegal and 18 is the age of consent in Italy, which I don't know). It's old news now, and her parents are not owed the truth. If SHE wants to get this man in trouble, she can.

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I'm not concerned about her welfare. I'm concerned about MY welfare.

 

I simply want to tell this to her parents in the tone of, "Look at what beast you have brought to life. If you care about her, do something or there's no hope for her."

 

P.S.: Therapists are very expensive in Italy

But then again, why should I go to the therapist, when she's the crazy person who brought me into this situation? A chain of events that made me financially broke and homeless?

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Even if it was spite, do I not have a right to express my emotions, to release all these repressed feelings and anger, and be able to openly face the causes of those events?

 

Yes you do, and therapy would be an excellent place to do that. Confession, a discussion with a priest, perhaps, since you sound like you are religious. Don't try to derail this girl's life.

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Its none of your business.... bottom line.

 

You figured out who she was and vacated... good for you... now it is strictly her business. If you can't handle it - then defriend the mother and move on with your life.

 

Nothing good for you will come of this... and trust me... you will end up looking like the bad person... LET IT GO.

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I don't know what I'm going to accomplish. It is simply my gut feeling telling me SINCE NINE MONTHS that it is the right thing to do if I am a moral and ethical Christian person.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't buy this. The moral/ethical thing -- if that was your concern -- would have been to reveal this a year ago.

 

You do have a right to express your anger and hurt emotions. Express them to your friends and family. Express them to this girl, if you think she'll listen (or care). But you're just trying to drag other people into your melodrama by denouncing her to a wider audience. Revenge, my friend, is decidedly un-Christian -- at least it's not aligned with what I was taught in Sunday School. You can tell yourself all you want that you are only seeking to do the "right thing" -- but that won't make it right. And it's very likely to blow up in your face.

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I'm not concerned about her welfare. I'm concerned about MY welfare.

 

I simply want to tell this to her parents in the tone of, "Look at what beast you have brought to life. If you care about her, do something or there's no hope for her."

 

P.S.: Therapists are very expensive in Italy

But then again, why should I go to the therapist, when she's the crazy person who brought me into this situation? A chain of events that made me financially broke and homeless?

 

Because YOU are the one having difficulty dealing with it. Like you said, it's been nine months and you are still extremely angry and bitter. That's not healthy, and venting those emotions in a constructive way would be a very good thing for you.

 

Is there really "no hope" for this girl? She sounds like she is manipulative, and she will probably get hurt one day when her stringing guys along backfires, but she hardly sounds like a beast. Let her make her own mistakes. Unless she is suicidal, in danger of dying, homeless, or in a drug-addiction spiral, I don't think she needs an intervention.

 

What did she do that left you broke and homeless?

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I'm not concerned about her welfare. I'm concerned about MY welfare.

 

I simply want to tell this to her parents in the tone of, "Look at what beast you have brought to life. If you care about her, do something or there's no hope for her."

 

You take care of your welfare by finding constructive ways to deal with your emotions. Your proposed path is destructive and doesn't address your emotions at all.

 

And even if you were right to accuse her parents of "bringing a beast to life," again, the time for alerting them to this all-important danger would have been 9 months ago. Not now.

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You say this as if I am the bad person and she's totally sane and normal...

 

I can't say whether or not she's a bad person, but she doesn't sound like someone I would want to be friends with. If you do this, neither do you! I don't think it will make you a "bad" person, but it would be a "bad" thing to do.

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You take care of your welfare by finding constructive ways to deal with your emotions. Your proposed path is destructive and doesn't address your emotions at all.

 

And even if you were right to accuse her parents of "bringing a beast to life," again, the time for alerting them to this all-important danger would have been 9 months ago. Not now.

 

It's a release of energy. Who would be destroyed? How? In which specific way? Examples?

 

About time: I don't know. Isn't late better than never?

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I really don't understand why everyone is against me in this

 

Sweetie, we're not against you, we're against your proposed course of action. It is not in your best interests. I understand that you are angry and hurt and outraged. Your feelings are legitimate. But your way out of the unhappy place you are in is not by trying to drag her parents into your problems. Believe me, it won't work out the way you're imagining. You will gain nothing but more trouble.

 

Think about it: your mutual friend couldn't get away from you fast enough. That ought to tell you something about what you were saying.

 

If you made yourself vulnerable to a scheming 17-year-old, you must ask yourself why. Most women are generally decent and reasonably kind. Why were you drawn to and taken in by one who wasn't? That's what you should be asking yourself. The solution lies within you.

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I'm sorry, but I don't buy this. The moral/ethical thing -- if that was your concern -- would have been to reveal this a year ago.

 

You do have a right to express your anger and hurt emotions. Express them to your friends and family. Express them to this girl, if you think she'll listen (or care). But you're just trying to drag other people into your melodrama by denouncing her to a wider audience. Revenge, my friend, is decidedly un-Christian -- at least it's not aligned with what I was taught in Sunday School. You can tell yourself all you want that you are only seeking to do the "right thing" -- but that won't make it right. And it's very likely to blow up in your face.

 

I agree. The person to express your outrage to is her..but if she has left you alone all this time then why bother. I can understand if she was hassling you then you want to have it out with her..but if she has left you alone then there is no point. You will have to get it out of your system by talking to your own support system.

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Think about it: your mutual friend couldn't get away from you fast enough. That ought to tell you something about what you were saying.

 

I didn't understand this. sorry. What do you mean exactly?

 

If you made yourself vulnerable to a scheming 17-year-old, you must ask yourself why. Most women are generally decent and reasonably kind. Why were you drawn to and taken in by one who wasn't? That's what you should be asking yourself. The solution lies within you.

 

(Now she's 19) It was one of my first loves... the first girl I ever kissed in my life... she promised me that we would marry and make a happy family.

Those were the things I looked for in a girl.

She looked very decent and intelligent. She volunteers at churches and helps poor children.

I would have never discovered about these schemes if I hadn't investigated and asked more people.

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Yes, I'm curious about this too? Where are you online?

 

If this is the case, I think you need to focus more on yourself then this girl.

 

Leave her where she is, in the past.

 

I'm using the free wireless network of my university and during these days I'm rotating at friends places, but they won't keep me for very long either

(I wrote more about that here: )

 

Well, it was a chain of events. I got so depressed at that time I couldn't focus on studies, and I was also dealing with chronic pain (SHE KNEW VERY WELL I HAD), I am of a poor family and at an elite university. Didn't get scholarship due to poor performance during this academic year, can't finance accommodation, etc.

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