Rape porn...red flag?

I have always known that my boyfriend enjoys rape porn, as he has commented on it several times within our relationship. I never really thought much about it, and even on occasion role-play with him during sex that he is "raping" me. (I actually find this kind of kinky in an odd sort of way). However, today I was watching some of his porn videos while he was at work (something I do often and he knows about; we share porn together and have a very open relationship concerning that). Anyway, I found around five or six videos that frankly, really disturbed me to watch. They are rape porn, and yet some of them look quite disturbingly real, as if it were an actual girl being raped and the act being videotaped at the same time. He also has a few of drunk/drugged women being taken advantage of, and those as well seem quite disturbingly real. Is this a red flag? These videos disgust me. For some reason they also are all of Asian women being taken advantage of, I have no clue why. This man and I are talking of marriage, and I want to know if this is something I should be concerned about, or just a normal part of male fantasizing. Thanks for any responses.

i would take that as a red flag, yes. i don't like porn in which women are getting raped.

how is the relationship otherwise? does he have any control issues?

i would take that as a red flag, yes. i don't like porn in which women are getting raped.

 

how is the relationship otherwise? does he have any control issues?

Not really, no. It's kind of odd. He is actually a very tender, sweet and gentle person. He never raises his voice to me, issues altimatums (spelling?) or anything of the sort. He even prefers slow, sweet "lovemaking" to the rough, passionate sort. So this is quite confusing for me.

There are no REAL rape videos. Please understand that. Rapists are not foolish enough to videotape one.

Anyway the Asians are famous for making realistic rape porn. So whatever you see, it is just pretend stuff. Nothing serious. I don't think you need to be disturbed. It is just an outlet for his fantasies. Nothing more.

I think it is cool you do the roleplay thing. That is also a healthy outlet for his fantasies.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. I would talk to him however and just let your concerns be known. It's definitely not a deal breaker unless you see him as a violent person or that he has an out of control temper

Honestly it would only really bother me if it were real, or if he THINKS it might be real. Because if it were real, I would hope he would be bothered by it, instead of feeling turned on, you know? But if it's all fake, then it's whatever to me. I just don't want my boyfriend getting turned on by someone ACTUALLY being hurt/raped.

Honestly it would only really bother me if it were real, or if he THINKS it might be real. Because if it were real, I would hope he would be bothered by it, instead of feeling turned on, you know? But if it's all fake, then it's whatever to me. I just don't want my boyfriend getting turned on by someone ACTUALLY being hurt/raped.

That's what I was saying - they are not real. No matter how realistic they look.

That's what I was saying - they are not real. No matter how realistic they look.

but still, it's something i can't get off on. very disturbing to me. i prefer porn where the woman is enjoying herself.

i get the 'fantasy' aspect, but part of me would worry about why it is he gets turned on by watching a woman getting raped.

There are no REAL rape videos. Please understand that. Rapists are not foolish enough to videotape one.

How very naive of you.

How very naive of you.

Exactly. Paul Bernardo immediately springs to mind.

Exactly. Paul Bernardo immediately springs to mind.

Hmm I am not exactly aware of what he did. Did he videotape his crimes? If he did, he was pretty stupid, I would say.

How very naive of you.

Agreed.... just like child pornographers are smart enough not to post things?

I would agree it's not likely real, but it's still disturbing either way. Maybe not something to get super upset about, but if you feel it is becoming an obsession, I would leave.

That's what I was saying - they are not real. No matter how realistic they look.

You are not correct. The rules are quite a bit different in other countries, and bad things happen here as well. The stuff they do in Thailand boggles the mind.

Also, a friend of mine, his sister once decided to participate in a porn. When she arrived, she was surprised to discover more than one man on the premises, each of whom was older, gluttonous. She was not allowed to leave, and they proceeded to go through with video, the details of which I shall spare you. After, she was paid, but was so humiliated that the experience inspired nightmares and post-traumatic stress. Finally, she begged the producers not to sell the tape and they said they'd give it back to her in exchange for an exorbitant fee (far more than what she was originally paid). She had to go to her family for the money; even more humiliation. Of course, the men put their video on the market all the same.

If that's not rape, I don't know what is.

Everyone has their taste. Another friend of mine was engaged to a girl who had fantasies about being raped. He was never into that kind of thing and, as such, tension built over time. Eventually, she broke up with him in order to be with a man who suited her particular style (there was a lot of cheating involved, too). That may not be how it is, in your case. While it is not a red flag per se, I do think having a talk would be wise, one way or the other.

Many women are being raped for real in those videos.

And real or not, the fact that your BF enjoys that is disturbing.

Do you really want to be married to him?

For me it is a dealbreaker. I could never have sex with him again, period. I'd be walking right out the door.

Good luck, whatever you do.

Keep your eyes open. This is probably only a fantasy. While i understand that some women fantasized about being rape, I highly doubt that they want to be rape by a complete stranger. Same with your boyfriend, most men like to be in control and dominant when it comes to sex.

If he never treated any women badly in his past then there is probably nothing to worry about.

Hmm I am not exactly aware of what he did. Did he videotape his crimes? If he did, he was pretty stupid, I would say.

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Photographing criminal activity is not a new phenomenon. Sex crime investigators have known for years that some individuals who engage in various sexual acts - both consensual and nonconsensual - chronicle their behavior through photography and video. Cases include one in the northeastern United States where an individual photographed and videotaped various "customers" using drugs and having sex in his home. He later used these records for his own sexual gratification and to blackmail his customers.

 

Most of these sex-related videos come from the perpetrators' desire to relive the experience at a later time through their photographic records. Much as some members of the general population use pornography to stimulate sexual fantasy, sexual deviates use their homemade pornography to satisfy their specialized deviance. This most often occurs in cases of more extreme forms of paraphilia. Because they find little excitement in general pornography, they develop their own to reflect their particular pathology. In addition, individuals involved in autoeroticism(5) frequently videotape their activities.

It's a common occurrence.

most men like to be in control and dominant when it comes to sex.

 

If he never treated any women badly in his past then there is probably nothing to worry about.

About the first sentence: Not true. there is a beautiful thing when it comes to having sex: fluidity and openness. Exchanging and exploring. Playing. Not dominant and submissive.

About the second, how can any sane woman enjoy having a partner and further, having sex with him, when he is enjoying seeing woman being raped. Whether it is actually really happening to the women or just acting (though it is worse if they are really bing raped), he is still enjoying and getting off to those images. I'm sure he is not thinking "ok, I'm getting off here, and it feels really good (how disturbing), but it's not real. They aren't really being raped for real."

The whole point is that it IS that fatc that it looks so real that IS getting him off. And there's a reason why it looks so real: either they are being sexually assaulted for real, or they (the "film makers") have taken every care to make it look real and disturbing, cause that's what the viewers WANT.

And I totally agree that the person who said it doesn't happen (rape caught on tape) is absolutelly naive and ill informed.

If it's just a kinky fantasy there's nothing wrong with it. If it's something he wants to try for real then that should be a cause for alarm. There's no real way to tell whether or not a person has any sort of criminal intentions. You just have to trust that he doesn't. I would say a serious discussion is definitely called for.

Everyone has strange fantasies.

I kinda get S&M dominating eachother type porn. But outright rape? That offends me as a woman and i dont think its nice to get off on that.

"A recent analysis of 20 studies over the last 30 years indicates that between 31% and 57% of women have rape fantasies, and these fantasies are frequent or preferred in 9% to 17% of women. Considering that many people are ashamed to report rape fantasies, these stats are most likely lowball figures."

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If it is that common among women, I think it should come as no surprise that a lot of guys have rape fantasies too. A lot of people have fantasies that they do NOT want to act out!

I would go by his conduct in the rest of his life. If he has never shown any inclination to be violent or cruel, then I would not be worried. For him, this is probably more a fantasy about getting to roleplay at being dominant in the bedroom than wanting to hurt anyone for real. If you are worried about if the rape videos are real or not, then maybe you could ask him where he got them from, but don't act like you're judging him for looking at it.

rape fantasies?

it's amazing how screwed up people can be...

anyway, for me, it would be a dealbreaker if my bf was into that...

free world, right? to each his own. Not my cup of tea.

It’s just a fantasy. I don’t understand why people on this thread are so closed minded about the fact people have different types of fantasies. Yes, some people are going to have “out there” fantasies. I had one boyfriend was a furry… That bothered me a little more then the idea of him having a rape fantasy. But that’s all it was. A fantasy. He didn’t want to go out and sleep with an animal… he just like the photos of foxes and stuff with human traits to them.

But to me…sounds like you’re looking for an excuse to break up with him. I’d find it very close minded/harsh/overreacting to be broken up with just because I had a sex fantasy that my partner was against. –Especially if I had felt comfortable enough to share my fantasy with them in the first place. Just because I may fantasize about something they wouldn’t understand or agree with doesn’t mean I want that fantasy to ever really happen…it’s just for some reason at that time It turned me on.

A lot of WOMEN have rape fantasies, as another poster pointed out. That does not mean they really want to be raped.

Women are traditionally socialized to believe that suppressing their sexuality is a desirable and moral thing to do, therefore a rape fantasy sort of takes the control and accountability out of their hands, leaving them free to be as sexual as they want. Women even buy into this suppression of each other, using words such as sl*t and 'ho to classify other women they see as having had more than an acceptable number of sex partners. Crazy.

It is not surprising that a man might have a rape fantasy. Where women are socialized to suppress their sexuality, men are often socialized to unleash theirs, and a man having lots of sex is socially approved.

For this situation, I would have to look at this and then reconcile it with his personality. IS it just a fantasy? How long have you been together? What general attitude does he demonstrate toward women? Does he use the word b*tch a lot? Does he trust women? Is he respectful toward them in general, even in unguarded moments? Do you trust him?

I never thought that I would say this since I'm a single 26 year-old male, but anymore, I find myself repelled at even the more "normal" porn (if there is such a thing). None of it is any good. It all represents nothing more than pure negativity. Sure, anyone can say that it all boils down to values, and in reality, it truly does, but does that psycho-philosophical perspective own any jurisdiction when it comes to the simple fact that the ethics involved require common sense? People videotaping themselves having sex? People videotaping themselves raping others? People videotaping themselves doing things with inanimate objects?

Where does it stop and how long will it be before people begin to realize that this crap does nothing for any culture which advocates its usage?

None of it is any good. Period.

(But of course, this is just my own opinion. )

Hmm, I do agree that people have odd fantasies they would never act on, so it's not necessarily a cause for concern if you don't see him being cruel or violent elsewhere in his life, but the realistic videos would make me a little leery, too. Can you ask him why he thinks he finds the rape fantasy appealing? That might give you some insight into whether you should be disturbed or not.